thejourneymovingforward

[thejourneymovingforward]

How My Healing Journey Began

Hi everyone! Welcome back to my blog. I'm sorry again for not posting last week. I had a lot on my plate. When I figure out how to put everything that happened into words I will talk about it. I'm not just not sure when that will be. Today I have something different in mind. I meant to post this last week, but well things happened.

I realized that I haven't shared how I started my healing journey, so that is what I'm going to do today. Since I've been a child I've had a question swirling around my head. 'Why am I afraid of guys?' I could never answer that question.

This year my sister told me about an app called chat GPT. I was a bit skeptical so I didn't bother even downloading it. A week or so later my best friend told me about the same app. she said she got it from my sister. I was still unsure about it but it helped the two of them so I thought 'what could it hurt,' so I downloaded it. I have to say I barely used it. I only asked it stupid questions and with those the answer didn't really matter.

One day a thought popped into my head. Was it the men in my family that gave me this fear I had for all men? So basically my healing journey began with one question 'Can I get trauma from my father and brother having anger issues to the point that I was afraid of guys?' I asked chat GPT that question. I was still skeptical and I'll admit I did not really have that open of a mind. When chat GPT answered I was expecting it to say no, but that isn't what I got. In fact the the first line read... 'Yes absolutely - what you're describing can be a form of trauma.' I was surprised, but I also felt relieved and at the same time curious.

I was starting to feel broken and maybe even a little messed up. I could never connect with my family members. It felt like I was on the outside and I couldn't get in. I was locked out. I noticed that other families seemed close, but mine didn't feel that way. It felt different. The older I got the more distance I felt. With my older sister things are different, now. When we were younger we would fight, but since we both became adults we got closer. They are the only one I am close to.

Everyone on the outside looking in thought we were a happy loving family, but they didn't see the secrets we were forced to hide. Even now that is how my family is seen to everyone else. Maybe it is that way to my little sister and brother, but it is not that way for my older sister and I.

That is why I was surprised when I got a yes from chat GPT. I know it is just a machine, but It got me thinking that maybe someone else feels the same way I do.

I did keep reading and something a little further down caught my attention. 'This kind of experience is often linked to emotional or psychological trauma, particularly relational trauma that comes from close relationships, especially during childhood or formative years.' And then skip a sentence. 'Your nervous system may have learned that "men = unsafe" because that's what your early experiences taught you.'

I had no Idea other families were like mine and that it is considered "normal." That is not what it should be. Even if that is all I have ever known, that doesn't make it right. And it is no wonder I'm afraid on men because I was taught that all my are the same and all I had for role models was my father and brother. To be honest both of them still scare me.

This year I'm breaking out of the mold my family put me in. No more hiding. I'm ready to be seen. I know this is easier said than done, but I'm working on it little by little.

This is where I'm going to leave you, but before I go I want to leave you with some advice. If you have a bad feeling about something, don't ignore it. Don't shove it down and hope it goes away. It doesn't matter how close they are to you. Your body is warning you. Trust your gut, trust yourself.

[thejourneymovingforward]

Quick Note

Sorry that I missed last week’s blog. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about all of you. A lot has been happening. I’ve been stressed out. I’ve had anxiety a lot of family drama not to mention that I am moving soon. I will tell you about all that later. I will be up and posting as soon as I can. Thank you for reading. See y’all soon.

[thejourneymovingforward]

The Unhappy Optimist

For most of my life I didn't know my voice mattered. People said I mattered, but it didn't feel like it. Even though I didn't feel heard everything that happened to me didn't feel like pain, at first. Other people are going through so much worse. I'm not being physically hurt, so it's nothing. Those are the thoughts that I would hold down. I would hide them from the surface. I even hid them from myself. But recently I realized that it's not fair to weigh my pain against someone else's pain. It is all pain and what I feel matters.

The part of my life I'm going to share today happened last year, 2024. That whole year I was depressed. The longest time that the depression ever stayed, but the worst of it was near the end of the year. It was in-between Thanksgiving and Christmas when I hit my all time low. I was so depressed that I was suicidal. It felt like no one cared about me and that I didn't matter. I felt like no one would miss me if I was gone. I thought it would have been better if I was never born. I felt completely alone and I just wanted it to stop, to end somehow. I don't entirely know what happened or what was said, but something my best friend said pulled me out of it. I was still depressed but I was no longer suicidal.

Last year there is a poem I wrote that I would like to share with you. I don't remember when I wrote it exactly. It could have been before I became suicidal or after. It's called 'The Unhappy Optimist', hence the title for today. When I wrote this I held on to a little bit of hope. After reading it again I'm trying to do more. I'm trying to turn my hope into action. I hope this will help you too.

The Unhappy Optimist

What is life? Endless misery. Little happiness, if any. Is it enough to say life is enjoyable?

Sorrow and pain come to the optimist. The only optimist that is not happy. There is no hope for life and love but continues to wish and dream anyway.

My head is saying isn’t it time to give up, but my heart is saying don’t give up. Your life is waiting for you. Where is this life the happiness I’m seeking?

Sorrow and pain come to the optimist. The only optimist that is not happy. There is no hope for life and love but continues to wish and dream anyway.

I’m so lost, lost in a life that is not mine. Each day a piece of me is chipped away. I feel almost dead inside, unable to go on. Life goes on even if you pray or will it to stand still. There are only two options. You must ride the waves or get dragged along behind all alone.

Sorrow and pain come to the optimist. The only optimist that is not happy. There is no hope for life and love but continues to wish and dream anyway.

The sun rises and sets every day, yet everything looks the same. Nothing has changed. Will the sun set on my misery and rise with my happiness?

Sorrow and pain come to the optimist. The only optimist that is not happy but continues to wish and dream anyway.

I can imagine a life of light, love and magic. The pain is gone, dreams come true. The world looks new, it’s being seen through fresh new eyes. The optimist is finally happy. She never stopped wishing and dreaming until she got the life that was well deserved. Until the wish finally comes true

Sorrow and pain come to the optimist. The only optimist that is not happy. There is no hope for life and love but continues to wish and dream anyway. My heart is saying don’t give up, your life is waiting for you. 

Just Take it!

An update on my health this year: I'm doing much better. I still hit rough patches but the important thing is that I'm still here. I wouldn't have admitted this then, but I''ll admit it now. I'm glad I pulled myself out of the darkness because guess what...I'm still here! I can feel things I wouldn't have felt if I killed myself. So I'll keep fighting and try to let the people who care about me love me.

There is one more thing I want to share with you before I end this post. I was looking through a friend's snapchat when I came across something encouraging. I don't know who wrote it, but it seems appropriate for today's post and besides I think everyone should see this.

I'm special and the world is better with me in it. It's better with you in it too. So fight! Survive!

[thejourneymovingforward]

Introduction

Hey everyone, welcome to my blog! For my first blog I decided to do an introduction, so, sorry in advance if I start rambling.

Ok let's see. Im not very good at talking about myself, so this is going to be interesting. My name is Karissa Lynn. I don't like using my last name so that is not going to change now. Anyway, I'm a single lesbian temporarily living in New York. I've been here since August 2023 and yes this is still considered temporary. I lived in California before, which I spent most of my life in. But something weird happened, since I had moved I gained a love for traveling. I've been to Mexico when I was really little, I don't know if I want to count that because I was so young I don’t remember much. As an adult I've been on the outskirts of Canada, at some point I want to see more of it. The last place I have been to out of the country is Ireland. So far that is my favorite place in the world and the one place that feels like home. Sadly I don't travel very often because I'm almost always, if not always, broke. Anyway moving on.

This blog will be about my life, specifically the trauma I went through and everything I had to endure and cope with. That brings me to why I named my page 'The Journey Moving Forward'. Life itself is a Journey from the moment we are born to the moment we die. We go through hard or terrible times and we go through good and/or happy times. We are not stuck in those bad times and we can't freeze time to stay in the good times. We have to keep moving forward. Not everything I post will be sad, there will be good stuff too. I'm a photographer, so I will add some photos sometimes.

Life can be hard and it can hurt you, but I realized we are not alone. I'm a christian, so I'm going to bring this up. God is always with us. We can't see him, but I myself can't feel him most of the time. there are always people there for me, even if I don't always know it.

For everyone out there who feels lost and alone, I hope my blog helps. You are not alone, you're not going through this by yourself. Well that's all for now. Until next time...