thejoyofnihility

[thejoyofnihility]

So I suppose, now it's time for a change.

What a fool I am.. knowingly falling for someone I knew I had no chance with.

Crying over him, writing about him, drawing him, making a gift for him, dreaming of him.

I reached for the sun, only to burn down in laughter at how foolish I am.

[thejoyofnihility]

♡

"I understand I'm not the only one For you"

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I had confessed.

I got rejected.

But I am not surprised.

If anything, I expected it the most—so why does it hurt so much?

I'm not angry at him or heartbroken though. He didn't feel the same, and that's okay.

But how does one stop their heart for reaching out and wrapping their arms around another? I love with my whole heart. And it hurts, knowing that I love someone who did not feel the same.

But I know it'll be okay. I know I'll be okay, even if it hurts.

Sure, I miss him, his voice, his presence. I miss all of him.

But he isn't mine. Its okay.

We're friends, and that's that.

I respect him and his wishes.

I will gladly fight for him, not just because he's my crush, but because hes my friend, first and foremost.

But then it makes me wonder, what were these mixed signals you gave me?

Holding my hand, yet not wishing to pull away when I tried to?

Dancing with me multiple times, hand in hand, in one night?

Buying me something?

Yet, all along, I feel like I knew you liked someone else. Did you like her? I always felt like you liked her. And I knew you didn't like me, and pure delusions were dragging me on.

I feel like a fool, crying for a man I never even dated.

It Hurts.

It hurts so much.

[thejoyofnihility]

"A"

"I don't wanna kiss someone else's neck And have to pretend it's yours instead

And I don't wanna learn another scent I don't want the children of another man"

-Undressed, Sombr

A song I happen to think about him a lot with.

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I never realized how much I missed him until I saw him in person.

Seeing him, standing beside him, hearing his voice.

Oh, how I missed his voice. I still miss him.

That moment I heard him speak a sentence, I felt my heart leap in my chest.

How I missed his voice.

Hearing him talk,

just being in his presence.

Sitting beside him, walking side-by-side—

Ah. How far I've fallen for him.

And he doesn't realize it.

I miss him.

I miss him already.

When will be the next time I see him?

Will he even want to see me?

If I confess, will he even want to see me?

What if I mess everything up?

I only want for him to be happy.

Even if it's at the cost of mine.

It's okay.

Because to love him, is to let him go.

Even if I don't want to.

If that's what he wants, then okay.

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You know, in all my life, my child-self telling myself I would never get a boyfriend or a relationship, I would have never imagined that I've fallen and torn myself apart for a man.

A man whom I'm not even dating.

Why does love hurt so much?

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[thejoyofnihility]

"If You're A Writer, Write 'I'm Jealous, Without saying I'm Jealous."

"I need your help right now,

Tell me how to forget,"

-Tell Me How, Jellyfishjoy

More music from his taste.

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And so, even if it was a moment, I felt this pit swell up in my chest.

We spoke for a moment,

and only then stood in silence before you left, only to be swooped up by another.

I couldn't help but turn back, to take a glance back at you.

And then the girl beside you.

My heart ached and my mind felt heavy.

This heavy feeling in my chest, was it because the attention of another had gotten to you?

Or was it those seething thoughts of how her beauty shined compared to mines as the two of you spoke?

I wish it were me, talking to you like that.

I wish it were me, making you smile.

I wish to hear my name across your lips, even if its just one last time.

Even if my heart aches.

But what am I to say?

We are... mere friends, yet I think of you as more.

It feels so wrong, my heart aching for you; my tears falling for you, loving you.

Because why would you feel the same?

Many women flock to you, but I dont blame them.

You have that allure to you.

That.. appealing nature of yours that makes you popular.

And it's a good thing.

People like you.

I envy how easily they speak to you. How they approach you with such ease and talk to you.

In contrast to how we stand in silence.

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Title credits to: @odessa.author on Instagram

[thejoyofnihility]

If I Could,

"I saw you in a dream,

you came to me,

you were the sweetest apparition,

such a pretty vision"

–I Saw You In A Dream, The Japanese House

I wish I could run my fingers through your hair.

If I could, I would wrap my arms around you, to hold you, touch you, feel you.

Even if it's for a moment, a small touch would suffice. I want to hold onto you as your touch lingers against my skin.

I wonder how many moles you have. Where are they?

Can I count the moles on your skin?

Could I kiss every single one?

Being in your presence makes me act up. I dont know how to behave.

With you, I get quiet and flustered. I get shy and nervous.

The feeling of wanting you, but not wanting to force or rush anything if you don't want it holds me back.

Every moment I stand before you, I can't help but glance at that mole above your right eye.

Well,

Glance wouldn't be the right word.

I stare at the mole above his eye when we talk, admiring it, admiring him

"I want to kiss it," I can't help but think.

I want to kiss his moles,

to kiss him softly,

gently.

Not in a lustful manner.

Not at all.

I despise thinking about him in a lustful manner.

I feel disgusted—guilty for thinking about the one I yearn for in a lustful manner.

Because he's not some object of desire, he's a real person.

My strange history of hypersexuality does not help. If anything, it increases the guilt and disgust I feel in myself for thinking about him sexually.

He is more than that.

He is a real person, one that I admire and wish to know more.

One I wish to spend my time with.

I want to do cute little things like hold his hand,

Lay down next to him,

Listen to music with each other.

I wish to hear his voice more.

It can be from anything.

Recordings, videos,

In person.

Something as small as hearing my name from his lips... I love it.

I love his voice.

So I indulge in every moment I can, to remember his voice.

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[thejoyofnihility]

To "A,"

"Darling, dont you give up on a Monday"

-Monday, Quadeca

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It's so stupid how I keep on thinking about him.

His songs, slowly adding them to my playlists.

Listening to them everyday.

He's all I really think about.

And I love him, but its tearing me apart.

Does he like me back?

Why would he like me?

Is he being friendly?

Is he just really nice?

He's introverted and quiet. I feel like I shouldn't get my hopes up. I mean, this year he's actually talking to people and making the effort, so he's likely just being nice.

Right?

A part of me feels so delusional.

And then I just start to think logically.

I am the creator of my own downfall.

I put together reasons why he wouldn't like me, and then I put together reasons why he would.

Im tearing my heart apart.

But I want him.

I want to get to know him.

I want to find out how he became the person he is.

'What do you like?'

'What do you dislike?'

'What makes you happy?'

'Do you like physical touch?'

'Do you like long walks or laying under the stars?'

'What games do you play?'

'Whats your favorite food?'

Do you feel the same?

I don't wish to pry into his life though. I want to get to know him. But I dont want to force the answers out of him.

Only if he wants to answer them.

If you ever asked me to help you, I would. Even if you don't feel the same, I would always help you—be there for you.

We can just stay friends. I'm okay with that. As long as you're happy, I'm willing to give you up.

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[thejoyofnihility]

To Him,

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"And the paper plane was crumbled Dismantle everything that we once stood for And I'd even walk in quicksand If you dragged my hand, if you told me, if you told me to" -Paper Planes, Twikipedia A song from the album he likes.

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Aki Hayakawa,

For the longest time, I could never understand the attraction to him. Sure, he was that stereotypical quiet emo guy in anime that girls and women alike fawn over. Don't get me wrong; I find those traits attractive.

Well, I usually do. But for some reason, I couldn't find the appeal.

It was odd. Really.

I would watch Chainsaw Man and think about how dorky it was, how he always put up his hair in that stupidly tight ponytail on the top of his head.

Or that one scene when you see him from the side, and his face looks so fucking stupid.

I never understood the attraction at all. I thought he was cool, definitely. But attractive? I can see the appeal, but I felt nothing.

But it's so odd.

How your perspective of a character can change from a single thing.

A single person.

Aki Hayakawa, I never found myself attracted to you.

But all it took was a man who tied his hair up in a similar manner for me to like you.

But it's not even you, I like.

It's him.

I like you, Aki Hayakawa, because you remind me of him.

My, Aki Hayakawa.

His dorky, fluffy hair tied up on top of his head with a little loose ponytail, and his lanky, tall frame.

He can even match that stupid frame of Aki's side profile.

I don't hate Aki Hayakawa, but I didn't like him a lot.

But now... I can't help but feel my heart race. My lips twitch upwards to form a smile before I even know it from the sight of a thirst edit. Not because of the character, but because whenever I see Aki Hayakawa, I see him.

So I am grateful to you, Hayakawa Aki.

For giving me a piece of happiness, for reminding me of him.

My Aki.

My "A"

Him.

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