thelibraryofeyonthee

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

Want this is my cafe

hot cup of joe

[ID: A traditional painting of a cup of coffee on a saucer set against a purple background. Brush strokes are visible, and there are colorful accents from pops of light. End ID]

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

always .. a good idea.

http://www.instagram.com/evakoskomasflores/

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

only the 1% know this secret

maybe there is no secret. maybe the ultra wealthy decided to become ultra-wealthy. if rome wasn't built in a day neither does wealth. ive never seen an ambitious person fail. sure they have setbacks but i always see then accomplishes every goal until they were all checked out the list.

think about the drug dealer turned rapper who wanted a life of success. how'd he do that? with total focus of this is goal because nothing else will do. or the gold-digger who decides they're gonna bag a wealthy man or woman because they want an easy life. how'd they do that? by deciding there was no other answer.

so we are told that the 1% are evil, but you know what wealth affords? the ability to make your own world. you get to play lil jesus, and create the world you want to experience. now of course you can do this without monetary wealth but to me that removes the amount of fun i could have; i'd like to try the wealth please. i'd like to experience what i'd like to experience. its my mind and my world anyway internally so my outer world should reflect my preferences even if for a bit, and thats ultimately what keeps me goin because i want to know what happens, i'm excited to see how it plays out and what i get to experience.

so are the 1% evil geniuses? or evil? or geniuses? idk because not all are corrupt, we just typically dont hear about the opposition. so even that is a life choice but theres so many ways to live your life and people go towards the one they align with. its only when you fit that alignment that you continuously experience the same life over and over but there's something in you that keeps you from taking the leap.

change is scary yes but what actually happens in that leap is like 5% experience point added to who you are. change chips at your rough edges that you either dont need or have outgrown and you shouldnt fight it; trust me the stakes are actually very low. you dont turn into a better version of you over night; again rome was not built in a day, and by taking your time to enjoy each phase you will change, but only if you're open to it. change will not take affect in your life until you agree to it. change is god.

change is god (for the ones in the back).

so decide today to choose change. all it is is an introduction. ya'll wont get married unless you agree to it and then its forever, but it'll be a forever that you dont mind building the story with.

so literally marriage means i want to do life with you no matter what comes. its you who i want to have my experiences with. i want to know your journey and i want you to know mine. we're apart of each others journeys and that my friend is a choice.

and heres the point, whatever you choice can be a now choice, but if change comes to you starts taping you, remember its only an introduction and with time you'll gain more clarity –if you're open. because its your life and you choose whether marriage fits into where you wanna go. . . (and im not talking about literal marriage, its metaphorical)

i hope all this makes sense.

may this post reach its intended audience so that someones life can be forever changed.

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

what do you want?

what do you really want? to experience what i love when/as I love it. or maybe its just something i want to try all for the experience. im expansive i enjoy experiencing life, because life was meant to be experienced. and based on you, as you, will dictact those experiences.

you ever wonder how 2 people grow up under the same roof, but all turned out differently? well they were all having the same experience and then some chose to take different paths other than experience they were are used to having. this my friends is diversity! not only are we diverse in skin colour, hair texture, finger prints, blood type, all the other types, but we are literally diverse in thoughts, choices, perspectives, etc., nobody will quiet see the world as the other person. sometimes our prospectives align and other times they won't; however, the goal is to figure out how to co-exist under the same roof.

the human experience is how you grew up; over and over and over again; with different players. ecclesiastes 3:3 says 'theres nothing new under the sun;" ever wonder what the meant?

so yea read this again everytime you doubt your path in life.

cheers

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

Sleep in a treehouse by @chloebarryhang

Get Inspired, visit www.myhouseidea.com

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

almost autumn by ines perkovic

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

Car living. And building life alone.

I’m currently living in my car and building life alone. It wasn’t what I chose, it was birthed out of the “only option” type of situation.

I had to make a quick decision to go with no clear path ahead; only that movement was the only option. It sucked because I was living with my extended family for a few months for a chance to reset my life, as I had just drove from LA to TN due to a needing shelter, rest, and help!

Then plans shifted and my family had to move so that meant; here I found myself homeless, again, and needing a place. So I decided to say f**k everyone. I’m tired of asking and needing help and nobody helps me. I’m tired of being hyper-independent and nobody seems to care. I was tired of not being able to help myself, due to just needing a foundation to launch from.

So I decided to stop the people in my life for help. Even when I’d speak with them; all they’d know was my life was good and I was doing well (even if I was living in my car & barely making money). I’ve just decided that my life will only belong to me and people who can actually help me. People who are along my journey, see I need help, and just help me.

I’m creating a life for myself that is only for me. Because I am so tired of past family or friends that have been in my life, knowing how I’m struggling and not doing a damn thing to help. F**k yall. I have a right to be angry and angry I shall be.

Living in my car has been difficult, trying to quality sleep, finding a safe place to park, and all of this because of a failed/non-existent support system. Even the shelters are full.

*sighs*

So this means I’ll have to rely purely on myself. I guess as an only child, I was being prepared for a life all on my own. But honestly, I don’t want anything to do with anyone. I’ll disappear until I’m pleased with my life. Until I’m stable in housing, finances, and quality community.

I may even make a group for people living in their cars, who are single & alone because we need the type of support that makes us feel seen and less alone.

I’ll keep writing here though, but it’s cathartic to realize these emotions honestly. And not give a f**k. I’m looking forward to connecting with people who are like me and hopefully we can help and support each other.

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

𝐒𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠🌸🌿𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐮𝐥

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

𝐭𝐰𝐢𝐠'𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬🌾

https://www.pinterest.com.

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

you are exactly where you need to be, it’s gonna be okay WNRS, i am better than i was, you don’t have to be perfect, ur gonna figure it out

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

Our Parents Created Our Patterns.

I'll go first. My life right now is wild af, and I say that based on my past, but my past also makes sense as to why I'm here right now.

I got here based on existing in constant survival mode, and choosing directions based on trying to get my immediate needs met. Hyperindependence and burnout have been my constants.

I'm a product of a single parent household, low-income, moving around constantly, from Chicago, to Minnesota, to Houston, all by the age of 4, from homeless shelters, to living with family, to living in different apartments & neighborhoods around Houston, living in the final homeless shelter by 12, and finally being in a stable home by the age of 13 onward.

My father was in Chicago, only reaching out to me on birthdays or holidays, so he wasn't present, so I've never had much expectations of him. He has never been interested in me. Even when I've expressed interested in him and asking him to try to be present with me or call me more or come to see me, he has never followed through with it.

I grew up experiencing job, housing, & emotional instability and as a child I knew life was hard, inconsistent, and I'd have to setup and rely on myself, because the adults around me didn't seem to have it down to provide for themselves, so introduce me into that. . . there was no hope unless, I created hope for myself.

I have always experienced joblessness, career instability, and homelessness, from birth until now. I followed external advice, got a BA-Political Science & MA-International Policy & Development, trying to create what seemed to make sense, but could never find career stability due to layoffs and honestly not knowing what direction to go in. It's a pattern that has followed me well into adulthood. And I've always done the best I could, with zero support, as I don't have an immediate support system from parents or family.

Sure, they're alive and I can call them, but they've never provided a true support system, where if I fall I can count on them, because often times, they themselves have been falling their entire lives, so of course they couldn't create a space for me to exist when I fell.

What made it even worse is that I'm an only child and have felt so neglected, emotionally, directional, physically, etc., as if they projected the ability to be self-sufficient and independent upon and therefore didn't need to intervene because they assumed I got it? Yes, I've heard my mother tell me, I seemed to have it all together. . .and therefore thought she wasn't needed. And I'm thinking, you created this, you made me believe I couldn't rely on you because when I'd ask for help I wouldn't get it; you made me believe I had to rely on myself because you & my father were always in the struggle. So how do you expect me to rely on you when you literally cannot be relied upon?

I've navigated many hardtimes by myself, not because they didn't know, but because they couldn't offer anything other than prayer and well wishes, they supported me being in my own survival mode. And for a while I was angry at them, I still am disappointed because I thought that I could rely on them no matter what, but I've been letdown by them constantly and their inability to show-up for me in tangible ways as I've seen my other friend's parents be able to do. It's hurtful because I always believed otherwise, even when the proof was there because they were my parents and I gave them grace even when I shouldn't have.

However, my goal is to not become my parents, I have to get it right, and break this pattern and cycle of not existing in survival mode, because I want to thrive and I'm meant to thrive!

I will create my own support system and create a stable foundation for me and my future generations to exist upon.

Right now, I've been house-sitting through the US because I needed shelter and now I've found myself on the east coast, homeless, and seeking entry into my career field.

This will be my last time starting over. . .

or I'll die trying.

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

Not longer accepting the minimium

Yea, I am no longer accepting the minimum, because where has that gotten me?

I decided even from God.

I feel sort-of taken care of, while still crying that it's not enough!

No God you don't get to sit around and watch me cry; while not intereving. You don't get my trust without proving why I should trust you. This is a 2-way street. And I know my heart and how easily I have your back, but do you have mine?

I've been asking for the same things for a while all for you to maybe show up or maybe not show up. And the things you do show-up for are ok, but they aren't revolutionary or life changing at all. In fact they are beneath what I should receive, which then leads me into a loop; a pattern of sorts.

If I have to do this myself I will. I will play God and make sure I want for nothing. If its up to me and the power is mine then I will do a great job and you can do what you've been doing but I'm tired of sitting around hoping you'll show up larger than I can for myself.

I'll make the decisions. I'l do it all. Maybe this is my ego talking but damnnit I am so tired. If me needing or wanting help isn't enough to garnish having help; then fuck it; I can be God for myself. I can save the day. Cus I am tired of hoping and waiting that the story will go differently when deep down inside I know it wont.

Sometimes it will and sometimes it wont; but if I decide to make it go differently then it will. Everytime; without fail.

I think the only God I feel is the one that I have peace about without fail; things I don't have to worry about it think about, like my safety, or knowing good people from bad ones. God is in that. But in the other things like business, money, career, relationships, living, etc., that's where I'll have to be God and supply all my needs because I haven't seen nor experience it going a different way.

Things happen when I make them happen. And that is God.

When I have allowed it to unfold it unfolds less than. It unfolds in bullshit.

My expectation is the best and maybe I have to show God what my expectations are and have God rise to my occassion. So God, I will not be accepting the bare-minimum from you. You are God and you made me and I am not the minium, so our relationship is going to have to change too, cus you can't be my God if you can't be more than my expectation.

You said you can do more than I can ask or think. . . PROVE IT!

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

You Being Gay Upsets Your Mother

My mother was afraid of my queerness and subsequently, felt they were "demons" when in reality, the energy they displayed towards me and the energy that I displayed towards them was romantic in nature. These women were interested in me and I was interested in them. My mother says its a "demonic-spirit" but in reality it's her belief that "homosexuality is wrong" and her uncomfortability about her child being interested in women.

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

Nowhere to Be. Everywhere to Go.

Currently, I find myself in a lose-lose and win-win situation, both are indeed true. The win-win is I am completely unattached to my current life and there now presents an opportunity for me to create a new one.

The lose-lose situation comes from the fact that since I graduated with my MA-International Policy and Development Spring 2019, I haven't gotten the opportunity to work in my industry, I moved from Texas back to California. I became a property manager for slumlords 2021-2022, after being let go, I was an uber/lyft driver, lost financial and housing stability, and left a 4-year relationship.

Currently, I have been job-less for over a year now, surviving on next to no income, most of the money goes to rent which is $800 for a room in a home (LA you suck), then my car note, few dollars for gas, and hopefully enough for food. I have to move from the current dwelling because as time goes on I realize that having a roof over my head is becoming more and more detrimental cost-wise, but also my landlords decided to cut their losses prematurely and cut me out of my year-long lease; which has accelerated my move out process, so December 31, 2023 I will be officially moved out. Now of course, this does suck, but it's time to move on, as being in this part of the world does not serve me.

I'm realizing how not from here I feel, how much of myself I never saw reflected in my environment. If anything my environment loathes me, ignores me, dismisses my feelings, and generally makes me feel like nothing I am is good enough -its completely disinterested. It hears me, but doesn't actually care for my needs nor would it provide for me even if it could. I might as well be invisible. What's more is that I've always felt this way growing up and at different points of my life. Also confused and shocked by the way I've been treated. Loved on one hand and completely disregarded on the other. Knowing I was good enough, but having my environment disagree, its almost as if I don't exist.

I won't go into much detail as this post is less about specifics and moreso about tiny pockets of my life collectively coming together in order to show me a picture of my overall dissatisfaction of life. The sad part is I've learned to accept is breadcrumbs. Wanting so much and being so much but constantly being in environments that do not even recognize me as a whole person/being, but will capitalize and use my gifting, talents, and abilities, and when I ask for more or ask for help, it will discard me. Which in turn leaves me shocked. I cannot believe it.

But, now I can believe it, now I see it. And that knowledge is powerful.

Currently, I have be slowly detaching from my environment. I began with social media, slowly backing away from it and everyone on it. Telling people I am disappearing indefinitely. And would you believe this has created so much joy in my life? Because I am detaching from a digital life that has been breadcrumbing me.

And now with the world around me, I am also backing away because I am realizing that in everyway of my life I've been casting my pearls to the swine and I'm dissatisfied because I'm now waking up to the fact that my life has been built around people, places, experiences, that were merely breadcrumbing me and I've been getting upset. Taking what is available because it's good enough.

But good enough is NOT ENOUGH! And that is pissing me off. So now that I am fully being demystified I am planning my escape. I don't have a true destination, but I want it to be away from anyone and anything familiar because that's where I've gone wrong in the past. I can trust that I know the difference. And normally there's safety in familiarity, but honestly, trauma is familiar and its not good for you. So, I am beginning to start following things that aren't familiar but that give me truth and peace.

I will stay in touch with a few intimate relationships but I have to reject everything of the past because its actually holding me back in ways that I never liked. In ways I've always hated, but had accepted as normal. But I wasn't meant to be normal. I've never wanted that life. I've always wanted to be around exceptional people, people who are larger than life, people who live outside the boundaries of "normalcy."

So this is my lesson to you about running way. Question whether or not the life you're experiencing is one of your own design or one of your own sense of familiarity? Do you find it satisfying? Do you feel the same feelings over and over? Do you experience the same life over and over in new ways? Just like with your relationships, you know how they say you continue to experience the same person but in new bodies? What if you've been experiencing the same life that you hate over and over again, its' just in a new year? Yup, thats what I feel too.

Only way to change it, is to leave it. So, I am leaving my old life, it wasn't for me. It never was. This is not to say I am dying, moreso I figurative death, so I can run to something new. Can't bring the old into my new life.

Ciao for now.

P.S. Feel free to share your thoughts too.

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

Wow. I Am So Through.

I am exhaling for a moment because this time period has been so exhausting. I've literally been holding my breath trying to handle it all. So, I just want to dump out everything that has been in my mind and my heart to say. There's been a huge lesson and an even huger transition for me and I believe it worthwhile to document it for me and for you dear reader.

I recently had a huge move-out on Wednesday, January 31, 2024. It was expectedly -unexpected because I had assumed where I was living would be a place of refuge and somewhere I could stay until I got back on my feet –well if anything I was probably better off before I arrived and exiting was saving me from further damage.

Originally, when I went to this place, it was marketed as a place for people to get back on their feet. A shared living space no doubt, with the Christian goal of providing low-cost living, for those needing a helping hand. . . or so it seemed. The first host, Bert, one an older gentlemen in his early 70s, White, seemingly God-fearing, a man put on this earth with his self-proclaimed purpose to help house the houseless, primarily youth and young adults. A self-proclaimed poor millionaire who owned a few properties with this purpose in mind, saying that he hadn't set out to be a millionaire but God willed it for this overarching purpose. Ironically, my departure from said establishment was the complete opposite of the his stated purpose, but I'll get to that later.

The second host, Hamilton, was a young gentlemen in his early 30s, Black, a creative who used to purpose a singing career, who now found himself pursing a degree to work in the medical field. Also, a young God-fearing man who shared the same sentiments of helping as his older counterpart. They'd done this many of times and felt drawn to one another for this mission. Bert was the owner of the property, where Hamilton was able to live too, as Hamilton had fallen on hard times and Bert showed up to save him, allowing his to live in his personal home. On the property, there were 2 homes, the main house where the tenants lived and Bert's private home. Bert was renting out the 3 rooms in the main house and Hamilton was living with Bert -such a kind gesture.

When a space became available for Hamilton to live in the main house he did. Bert was even so gracious as to help Hamilton convert the one of the 3-bedrooms into an airbnb rental to help Hamilton increase his income. The pair had been living with way for a while. So when I entered the picture, especially after hearing these stories, I knew this was a place that would certainly provide a helping hand for me. Originally, I was an airbnb guest when I'd moved to this new town. I found the pair to be exactly what I needed, God-fearing, and queer, and interesting mixture that I myself had not truly interacted with. They'd let me know that they would have an opening in the house if I needed a more permanent stay of which I obliged.

They assisted my move-in and were always there if I needed help or had a question. They wanted to create a new system and myself and another roommate (Hamilton's mother), were going to be their first test subjects. They wanted to create 1-year leases, offer below market rent for a room, but most importantly, help those who needed to get on their feet by providing all they had. They were seemingly a Godsend. Thus, I began my journey with them in April 2023, working doubly hard to make sure the rent was on time to show my appreciation, trying to find employment after I'd been let go at the end of 2022, working 12hr days driving for Lyft & Uber, and all around trying to keep my head above water living in LA.

Now, here's where the facade slips and true intentions come to light. September 2023, the small gig I had gotten was undergoing layoffs, I couldn't do Uber & Lyft as my insurance lapsed due to my income lessening. I then applied for unemployment to supplement for rent and all of my living expenses, but of course it wasn't enough. During this time, I drew up a proposal to let them know about my income change and to see how we might work together, or if I could provide services or resources to help supplement due to my income change. They were doing construction to expand the home and provide more space for their mission people needing help and a home. My thoughts were that they'd been so kind and helping before so surely we could come up with a plan that could help them and me –boy was I wrong.

They told me that there was nothing they could do. That they weren't here to save people from drowning (Hamilton's words). Bert said if rent is not paid then he has to go out and give massages/side gigs and do random handyman work to make ends meet, which was counter to this millionaire persona he upheld from the beginning. Almost talking down on people who went to school and got a degree. He seemed to loath people who were 9 to 5 workers because he would exclaim how much he wanted to be in charge of his time, so he never would take a day job. Little did I know, he was no better off than the rest of the working world, he just knew how to make it sound different –as though he was an entrepreneur who God had wildly blessed with properties and real estate that allowed him to have more than enough. However, they both were dependent upon the low-cost housing tenants, such as myself to make ends meet, so the switch-up in their energy towards me made sense because I was interrupting their flow.

They drew up a new contract that said my 1-year lease had been shortened from April 2023 - April 2024, down to April 2023 to December 2023, they'd take off $120 from monthly, and instead of rent being due monthly, it was now due weekly. The utter shock; that was not what I expected, but it was their home and their rules. I thought, wow, I didn't see that coming, as it wasn't that I couldn't pay the rent it was moreso my income was shifting and I was trying to get ahead of it and hoping together we could find a solution that allowed us to all win. I was hoping to leave in a better condition than when I'd gotten there, which again, was what their mission entailed. Their mission: to provide below market-rent for people needing help and/or to be housed. However, that statement was only true under-condition. The condition being, they weren't truly there to help, they were only there to look like help.

It was in September that I realized the switch and change in their attitude and behavior towards me, once they were helpful and asked me to come to them if I needed anything, but now there was cold and distance. I truly believed they had my back, as they had dealt with all types of people in the past and allowed them to live in the house until they got on their feet. Even Bert, would look for homeless people to house in his home, so of course I'm thinking surely someone like me, who is a hard worker, and had just fallen on hard times could receive the help that they offered.

As December 2023 was upon us, I was trying to figure out my next moves, I still hadn't found decent income, my unemployment was nearing its end, and trying to find new housing was impossible. I'd told them if they had other resources or knew a place where I could go –no was the answer. I couldn't seem to understand why they didn't seem to care that I was alone and needed help. Why the mission they'd stated from the beginning of being a helping hand for the houseless seemed so far from what I was experiencing.

Then, one day Hamilton came to me, and said because December 31 was coming soon, if I would like to stay until January 31, and I wasn't sure because of my income situation and the lack of housing, what I should do. He gave me about 3days to answer, and now I can only question if I was asked that because they needed the money. Oddly enough, they were doing construction inside and outside of my room. Adding a beautiful bathroom onto my room, so I was living in a construction zone from September - January, sometimes until late at night. I even inquired about a construction schedule and for them to define hours because myself, along with the other tenant, literally couldn't be in the home sometimes due to the noise and huge drilled holes on the floor in the common room, right outside my bedroom door. I could tell there had been zero preparation or thought about how this would affect our living condition. They truly did not give a damn, what was important was building what they wanted to build so they could make more money.

I'd been paying rent to help them further their housing expansion, while spending my last unemployment money, barely having enough for food, living expenses, etc., and yes they were aware of this, but were fine with continuing to take. I did not matter.

Finally, the day is coming for me to move-out and I was so ready to leave, because I hated being there. Zero boundaries, Bert would always walk into the house to do random fixes to the construction, as if we the tenants weren't paying to live there. Oh and all hours of the night too, just zero regard for others, although this was his whole mission, seemingly living for others' benefit as Jesus did. But, I digress, its hard for me to have lived it and not be totally put off by the hypocrisy of it all. Now, I have a heavy bed, a temperpedic, with the adjustable base, and a bed frame, all queen-sized (super heavy). Boxes of my items ranging from small to large. Would you believe never once did they ask if I needed help moving or if I had found a place to live? I told them I hadn't found a space and didn't know where I'd live; zero concern or care for me. Thankfully, friends were able to send me funds so I could get a storage unit & a van to move my heavy bed, but between my car & a small van, I moved my entire self to a small storage unit. And on the night of my move-out after I was all done, Bert, who originally helped me move my bed in his moving van, yes he owns a moving van, had the nerve to ask me "how were you able to move your bed?" Of course, I said by myself. All of those items, I had to move alone. Two adults that didn't even lift a finger to help. It's also noteworthy, that a week prior, Bert didn't even recall helping me move my bed originally, he tends to get selective amnesia, (he claims he can't remember a lot of things after he began taking care of his mother), however on this night, he seemed to remember that I had a bed and that it must have been heavy enough for him to question how I moved it –wow what a selective memory.

Hamilton also wanted to extend a helping hand by stating that if things got bad and I had to live in my car, that I could park on the lot and sleep in my car and I could ask to come in and shower. These two are quite the generous pairing. Just, wow. I don't even need to comment on that part.

A friend commented saying "hmm seems like you were paying for their generosity."

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

This is gonna be wild

This is gonna sound wild but the answer is to NOT do. Every impluse that tells you to DO, only pulls you further away from "I will supply all of your needs."

I remember during 2020 when I was going through the most upsetting time of my life; i told my mentor all about what I was experiencing and what did I need to do in order to get here or there and she told me. . .nothing. She told me you are a human being; not a human doing. Doing is such a distraction. We are always doing. In fact we do so much that we inturn miss so much too.

I'm currently sitting in silence and realizing how much of my internal thoughts I drown out simply by doing noise. sitting with myself in silence is so peaceful. Its so calming. Its so wonderful. Yet I allow so much noise in by DOING.

I read something today that said "what is a hobby you do just because you enjoy it. It's not transactional. And I forgot that writing my innermost thoughts is just that. I'm not monetizing this, because I'm simply being this.

My thoughts were what do I need to DO in order to make the money I need to pay for this and that? Then earlier, I thought about something my ex said when I asked her what did I do that would've caused her to fall in love with me so quickly, to which she responded "what makes you think you had to do something for me to love you?" Even now this brings tears to my eyes, because I have been programmed to feel that I have to always DO in order to recieve anything. Even simple things, because me simply being is not enough. But me being is why she loved me. Me being is why life has worked out. Me being is why I receive the best. Me being is how I got the job that I didnt even look nor apply for. Me being is how I got the friends and opportunities that I got.

During the moments of being was when I received so many unexpected things. And I wonder if the reason why we don't truly experience the power of God is because God only can exist when we chose to Be; not do but Be. How can God showup if we're playing God?

Money is always in the back of my mind because I chose to believe that I have to do something in order to get my bills paid, but what if they weren't getting paid easily because I was deciding to do? What if I allowed me doing or trying to figure out a way to pay them was off the table. That it was not my job. I picked these bills because they are what I wanted; however, how they got paid isn't up to me. It's only up to me if i make it up to me.

I know this sounds insane but this is the divine download I got for my own healing. Being a child that never felt truly taken care of, because I got in the drivers seat to take care of the things outside of me so I never learned how nor had the space to take care of me. And now that I am learning my true needs and how to take care of myself, that is my only job. God has removed everything fimilar from me to get me to focus on myself and all things I love and enjoy. I believe God is willingly to handle the rest if I give it to Him. If I give it to Him.

And the loop is because I am so use to not being taken care of it is hard to trust that He will take care of me.

-an intense cry I just had-

God please teach me how to trust you. Please teach me how to trust you without having to do anything to figure out how to trust you.

Even today I told my friend to say more, but talk less. Everything revolving around doing less. And during this season I've been doing less while trying to fight it by doing more. I've only dipped my toe in the less, while simultaneously doing more because I don't believe that I have the right to do less, but the gag is I do.

I have so much time to do less. I have some much time to be a child and do things I love. I used to love caligraphy. I would get my black water colour paints and write chinese script out on brown paper, because that's what the emporers daughter would do. I love piano and would play it because I thought it was beautiful and cool to know. I loved playing dress up, taking photos, making music videos, playing with barbies/make believe, writing, oh and reading. Watching music videos and dancing to them, over and over again. Playing video games, making audio recordings.