thenumbedgrace - Tumblr blog

[thenumbedgrace]

Chris || REceived two days after

Junk Yard King

I hope that you do not miss me. I hope that you stay happy. I have so much hope for you. Chris, I love you. You’ve touched my heart in so many ways, I think you were my happiest friend. I care about you so much, and its weird to think this is the most painful letter for me to right. Maybe its because you were my escape you know. The one person I can go to, to your kingdom and just forget about my problems. Forget about being sad. Forget about being hated.

But most of all, I was never forgotten. I can’t. I can’t do this. Not with you. Its too painful with you and I literally don’t know why. Chris, you have the most beautiful mind and soul and sprit. I will miss you. But please, please, never think this was your fault because you were the one person who made me feel like I didn’t have to be so sad all the time.

Calum Grace.

[thenumbedgrace]

Raphael: REcieved two days after

Raphael Fucking Salvatore

I hate you so much. I hate you so fucking much I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I hate you. You piece of fucking shit. I lost almost fourteen years of my life to your fucking bullshit. I can’t fucking stand you. I never fucking could. But no matter how much I fucking hate you, you’re my best friend. I guess it makes sense. Keep your friend closer and your enemies fucking closer. You know, I never really understood what I was to you. I was a nuisance who just kept showing up, I stole the person you love, I fucked you so many times, I slept over, I cuddled, you bought me things when I needed them, you kept in touch when I didn’t want anyone else to. Everything was you.

                And yet, this still isn’t your fucking fault so don’t you fucking do anything stupid you piece of shit. You have Ren to look after, because the most torn up person---Sita, you, Chris and Ren---is going to be Ren. Ren is the one, for both of us, the one who was everything, and the one who kept us together even when he wasn’t here. Ren is the one person that I actually care about leaving like burning. As much as I love Sita, as much as I consider her my wife, Sita’s strong enough without me. As strong as I know Ren is, this will kill him as much as it literally kills me. Haha. I hope that you to get married. I hope you have kids. I hope you don’t name them after me. And I hope you survive. I’ve been messed up in the head for too long, I was bored messed up and I don’t think I can stay messed up anymore.

                Still, you were always there when I needed you. As much as you hated me. As much as I pretended to hate you. You are a part of me. This isn’t where I confess my fucking love to you or anything you piece of shit. Because as desperate as I was to cling on to you, it was because I didn’t want to lose another person I cared about. But you don’t feel my heart. You don’t understand it, because I got so good at hiding it. I got good at tricking myself. And I thought being in love with you would keep you with me. But, it obviously didn’t because I got tossed aside. This is me tossing you aside. I’m throwing you away and you’ll never get me back. I hope you’re finally happy. You know, without me. With Ren. There are so many things I want to tell you, but I’m not going to bother, because just like all of my preaching its going on deaf ears.

Or maybe you’d finally want to hear it in my suicide note. Every fucking word you ignored finally being the last ones you’ll ever hear. Or, well, read. I hope you forget my voice. My eyes. The way I made you feel in bed. I hope you forget my feelings, my life. I hope you forget me. I’d rather not be remembered by someone I couldn’t stand in the living. But I guess you’d have to. The one person I want to never forget me is your boyfriend. The one person who means the world to me, who never casted me aside is the person who loves you. And I’m happy, because I fucking told you, Ren loves you, you fucking dumbass. But, then again. Who knows. You might have given up after the first paragraph.  Or maybe Ren’s crying reading his letter and you go curious about yours. Maybe you’ll keep this letter forever to remember me. Maybe you’ll burn it right away; maybe you don’t even care at all. But I thought I owed it to Ren. Because someone needs to know. I did this because I’m done. I didn’t do this because of anyone but me and I feel like you’re the only person who’d understand that. As much as you hate me, you’re the one who gets me.

                So, good bye my friend. Take care.

                I want you to take my stuff and donate whatever to charity

                Let anyone who wants to keep anything keep it.

                Send my leather jacket back to Parker in New Orleans, you remember him right?

                Tell Ren I loved him every day whenever he starts breaking down

                …

Calum Grace.

[thenumbedgrace]

Ren || REceived two days after

Dear Ren. My brownie.

          I am so sorry. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Forgive me, I love you. I tried so hard to be happy for you. I tried so hard to be happy for me. I tried so hard but I love you. I’m so glad that you’re with Raphael. I wish that I could be your best man when you get married to him, because you guys are it.

          I love you. Forgive me. I’m just not happy. I tried so hard, but its so hard and I’m pretending. I’m too good at acting and I can’t even tell anymore. I guess you’ll never have another broken mirror to fix. I’ve decided to sign my apartment over to you. It’s yours. Sell it if you want. I only have rented out of the four. But I don’t even know if you want it.

          I don’t even know if you want me. But please, stop. This isn’t your fault. This letter is my last words to you. They’re honest, and they’re yours. No one will take them away from you. I just guess I spent so long chasing after you that I didn’t know how to be anyone else’s. I guess that’s why I didn’t work out with Sita and messed everything up.

          Ren, I love you. You made me truly happy when I wasn’t sure I’d ever be happy again. My death is not your fault. My death is my beginning.

          Have kids Ren, and don’t name them after me. I don’t want you to forget me again either, because this time I won’t be here to help you remember.

I love you.

Calum Grace.

[thenumbedgrace]

Sita || REcieved two days after

Dear Baby Doll,

Attached to this, I’ve left you the one thing I care about, the one possession above everything. The wedding ring. My mom’s ring. I didn’t love you first. And I didn’t love you last. But I know that I’ll love you always. You’re my baby doll. My beautiful Sita, my best friend, my girlfriend, my fiancé, my ex, my world. You are my everything.

                But now all I can do is ask you to love someone better. Someone more. Someone who’s not messed up. Someone who can love you and only you until all the love in the world runs out and all you can do is pretend. I want you to love someone who plays the piano with you. Someone who will sing to you, but not like I do. Sing badly, so you laugh. I want you to find someone who is the opposite of me. But I want you to love them more than me. Even if you think you can’t, I need you to.

I think you should know that I’ve been depressed for a long, long time. Bipolarity is not something easy to deal with—but I was dealing with it. With losing you. With whatever as long as you were there in some way. As my friend, as anything. I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not. But I can’t do that anymore. I can’t pretend to be happy. I can’t smile until I feel like its real even though its not. Sita, you are the world to me, but my actual world is crumbling all around me and I don’t think I can hold on anymore. You are so perfectly wonderful and to me you, you’ve changed me in so many ways. I don’t think I’d be the person I was today without you, the happy one. Even though, I can’t be honest. I don’t know what times I was actually happy and what times I was not.

I hope that you understand. This is not your fault, but I love you truly. You are my wife. Even if we never did get married, you are my wife. And I’ve loved you in life and I will continue to love you in death. You’re everything. Even if we stopped seeing it, or remembering it. Goodbye, Baby Doll.

You should see Ren and Raph. Raph has the way I want my funeral to be done. I hope you’ll attend.

Calum Grace.

[thenumbedgrace]

The Suicide Of Calum Grace

“Hey Adina.” The hybrid asked as he leaned against the railing. Oh how he loved heights, he was going to miss them. “Do you know where we go when we die?”

      “You mean like supernatural creatures?” The beautiful angel asked. She looked at him with the tilt of a head. “No. Why, Calum?” She asked pursing her lips.

“Just curious.” He said pushing back against the railing and smiling at the angel. “Hey, Adina. You know, in another time—in another life time. I used to love you more than I loved air.” He said and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Goodbye.”

                He took the four letters, stamped with addresses on them, and read them over one more time. Each other, slowly, smiling at them. There were four people who had touched his heart in both a poisonous and perfect way. Acidic. He was happy to have them. He hoped they’d keep each other after him. Taking the chain off of his neck, he took the ring off of it and placed it in an envelope. Kissing each other, and closing his eyes he placed them on the table of his studio.

He paced.

                                                 Back and forth

                                                Back and forth

He bit his lip, his finger, he closed his eyes he paced back and forth. This was happening. This was happening. He was getting what he wanted. He was getting what he needed. He was escaping. And even if he didn’t go—maybe he’d forget. All the pain. Maybe he’d forget everything. Maybe he could start over. Maybe the pain would go away. Maybe he wouldn’t have to pretend to be happy—ever, because for once he really was.

Maybe, they would finally be happy too.

They defiantly deserved to be.

Maybe he should have stayed numb to his feelings. Then none of this would have happened.

                He took off his shirt and put on a pair of shorts. Grabbing a picture frame, he made his way down to the basement. Calum stopped at the door of the basement, and allowed his hand to touch his back, stretching awkwardly. His fingers brushed across a part of his tattoo that he knew too well. The one that said a name that was literally burned into his skin. He wanted to laugh.

                So, he looked at the picture frame. The only picture frame with the only image he had. The only time he knew he was actually, truly happy and not pretending. The day he had met Ren and Raphael. On the back, that was exactly what was said. Their names, the date, and one quote. A quote he wrote after everything went down. “The best friends a monster could ever have. The only friends that can make a monster feel human.”

Walking into the basement, he placed the picture down and--------

[thenumbedgrace]

"'cause the truth is, I'm about to lose it. Don't think I can do this if I'm not with you." Shit. Calum didn't mean for this to happen. As much as he loved music, it was like Pandora's fucking box. One song could come along and change everything he was feeling, unplug the hold on his emotions. Honestly, be blamed Ren as much as be blamed himself... well not for the feelings, but for the song. "I don't love you, I don't need you. I don't ever want to see you again." So what if he as blasting the song on a constant repeat at his house. It was his apartment and all three groups of his tenants were away on either vacation or at work... no one would be bothered by how loud it was playing.

"'cause I don't think about you every single night; I'll be fine without you.    Can sleep tight when I'm not beside you; I'm moving on.     No, I don't cry about you; never seen tears in my eyes about you.     Gonna be fine if I die without you; Baby, I'm gone.                  → These are the lies that I tell myself at night.                   →These are the lies that are keeping me alive."

"Fuck."

[thenumbedgrace]

♚ Independent Original Character ♚ 

 leт мe нear yoυ 

      ѕтep тo тнe r н y т н e м                   

 oғ тнe вeaт 

               → One-liners · Paragraphs · Novella                 → Multi-verse · Open to suggestions.                → 4+ years of roleplaying                → Open to OCs and Canon Characters                → AU Friendly                 → What do I even write here anymore send help                → This mun is really kinda dumb idk

[thenumbedgrace]

How about instead of “I should be doing threads,” (◡‿◡✿). It should be “I should be doing what makes me happy.” (◕‿◕✿) If someone is being pushy, or you’re just not comfortable, — or Hell, you don’t even have to feel like it — it’s okay to reply to threads late, or not at all. (◠‿◠✿)

I know...

[thenumbedgrace]

♚ Independent Original Character ♚ 

 leт мe нear yoυ 

      ѕтep тo тнe r н y т н e м                   

 oғ тнe вeaт 

               → One-liners · Paragraphs · Novella                 → Multi-verse · Open to suggestions.                → 4+ years of roleplaying                → Open to OCs and Canon Characters                → AU Friendly                 → What do I even write here anymore send help                → This mun is really kinda dumb idk

[thenumbedgrace]

Send me ╰☆╮if you want to ship our muses. Bonus, send ❀ for smut.

[thenumbedgrace]

So can I just ask what's the deal with Calum? Like relationship wise or whatever. I'm surprised that he's not more upset about Ren/Raphael because of how deeply he felt for both of them. And then there's Sita, and Chris seems to have completely disappeared. Um, sorry just curious.

→Whoa, that is a loaded question with so many parts to it so I’m sorry of this gets long and rambley. Calum is generally the definition of messed up, but the thing is he keeps trying to find balance. Through his character development (or what little of it idk how people see it) he attempts to become more open and mature but stay playful. Thing is, he kinda didnt. He went from closed and masked off to open and accepting and loving fun, but not always knowing how to balance. He’s kinda off balanced, but the thing is he’s good at reacting quickly to a situation. I find myself pondering what I’m constantly going to do with him, and thus I choose college. Theater because he is so good at reacting. But the thing is, he’s very scattered and complex sometimes finding meaning in his own words after saying a lot of them. With him, he rants because he was taught it was the best way to share his emotions positively and it’s the build up and the constant talking which brings him to his realization.

→Calum, as we know, is a musician even though he’s been a bit less musically inclined lately. Lyrics are his get away place even though he doesn’t share them with others, creating a sort of journal. In them is where he balances his feelings—-

Thus,

Ren/Raphael; Calum and Raph would often talk about who would date the brown haired boy, always saying it was the other. Thing is, Calum always believed that no matter how much Ren loved him, he alway loved Raphael more. His reasoning? When Ren had the choice between him and Shizuo, he was left for dead. Not that he entirely minded as heartbroken as he was, because he wanted Ren to be happy more than his own happiness. It’s kind of like a repeat, watching it happen with Raphael. Thing is, this time he wants it to happen. His relationship with both of them was destroyed, but the two of them, they always stayed so strongly attached to each other. Raphael cut him off so easily but remnants of Ren were seared so deeply into his heart that, Calum was the only one who understood that pain—and joy. It’s why they were able to stay so interconnected themselves, even with a weaker bond that Calum can only hope will get stronger. And well, there has always been a strong awkwardness with Ren and him after the Shizou event and I don’t think it ever really entirely went away. Thing is, Calum realized what he thought was love for Raph, even after all the sex, was not that. It was his need to have his best friend stay with him and what better way than by love right? Worked with everyone else. No, he was confused. Calum doesn’t think about it anymore with both Ren and Raph, but it still lingers, which is why he’s okay watching from the sidelines. He’s so happy for them, but he feels a bit out of place with them in his search for balance.

→Because ultimately I think that’s what he wants. Not love, not even sex really, just balance. But he doesn’t know how, so he keeps getting tipped back and forth, and with his bipolarity he kind of just doesn’t always handle it right.

Kai: I know Kai wasn’t mentioned, but I feel it’s important. Kai was after Ren, and in his own way similar to the other brunette in many ways. And that’s not why Calum fell in love with him, but I believe it helped. Losing a love and finding one similarly. But the problem was, for Calum who can wait, it was just too pure, and Calum couldn’t handle it any longer.

Sita: is a hot mess for Calum. Probably worse than Ren if I’m honest. God, as gay as Cal is, Sita is someone he truly really very seriously loved and saw a life with. Trauma after trauma, Sita was always, always there. She was his best friend, his family, and his love. He just got so, so, so blissfully enveloped in her love that he forgot all his issues with commitment and all his fears that they would fall apart. Sita was his rock, his chance at something he wanted, balance and sanity. He was ready to give her everything he was. But I don’t really know what happened. One day something just happened. It just didnt fit as well anyone, maybe being so enveloped in each other had them needing space. And it’s what they got just—not in the way he was expecting. The family man he was dissipated with her, and again his balance and stability was tipped.

Chris: was Calum’s getaway and safe haven. Oh god was he. They met when Sita was with Allen and he just broke up with Kai. He just wanted to get away to a place where it didnt matter what happened with his mentality and Chris took him with open arms. Calum, of course, teased the guy, it was in his blood and sure he really cared about him. But after the break up with Sita, he was so used to being in a relationship he was sure he was in love with Chris, and he was probably, but not in a healthy way. He was in love with Chris being the idea of a haven where he would always be accepted and he loves Chris for that. For the security, for caring, but Calum was also messed up even more then, and he was imploding. Chris just helped to soften the blow, and while he re expanded, Chris helped him shape back to who he was, just his heart remained twisted.

→Calum ran away after that. In search for balance and happiness those ten years he was gone, but I don’t think he found it. But he found his own form of content that paved a road. And this journey, as much as he loved it kind of made him want to be a normal boy, and so he started college, hoping for balance as he attempted to cast away negatives and bring back positives. He’s vulnerable and humiliated. He’s sad but climbing his way to happiness. But one thing for sure, he never ever gives up. Once he’s in, he’s in for the long haul even if he strays for a while, which is why he attempts to make piece with everyone he loves, because even if that love is not what he’s been searching for and momentarily given up on its something important that balances him little by little. Pieces of a puzzle Cal is still trying to fit together to make a shape. Therefore, I don’t think Cal can have a relationship with someone unless they’re willing to deal with a lot of emotional baggage, and that’s something he won’t shy away from sharing. It keeps people honest.

[thenumbedgrace]

[thenumbedgrace]

I honestly don’t know how to write a legitimate ‘Thank you’ — But know that I am grateful and I’m hella excited about this. This account is a little more than a month old and hasn’t been totally abandoned which is honestly an accomplishment for me recently. I know I’m lazy and haven’t roleplayed with a handful of you but wow— 100+ followers? Really? You guys are awesome. ( bitter laughter— sorry this is like my second or third time posting this. i keep noticing some mistakes. sorry. ;;; )

But who cares about my rambling? Let’s get to the spotlight of this whole damn post already!

♚ ;  k i n g  seaweedbraxn

haha yeah, i’m doing special little shout-outs. but just a couple. but no seriously— Blair has been my friend for how long? IDK if feel like decades even when in reality it’s only been a few years. She has put up with so much of my shit and muses ( whispers u will always be the cadet cloud to my zack— ) and I’m amazed we’re still friends. ( Amazed as in, Jesus Christ when am I ever going to ditch her stupid ass?  a HAHA NO KIDDING. ) Her Percy muse at the moment is on unstable water ( haha ), mostly because she hasn’t finished to HOO series. But hey, I’m hella biased and I think she’s doing just fine.~ So check her out.

♛ ;  q u e e n  varomaour

gods bless cress

this woman right here is downright fantastic. Sadly, she’s so mind-blowing that I don’t have much to say. But she’s an adorable little dork who I just want to keep so close that it suffocates her— ( i wouldn’t actually then i’d be v sad if i did ) Cress has only become my friend recently but I still cherish her and I want to share this beautiful individual with everyone. ( she also has an annabeth account tbh. she’s the real deal okay. if you ever wonder if annabeth is real then just look to cress because cress is annabeth. that is a fact. )

♔ ;  k i n g  virtuousandsinful

first of all, let me apologize for always forgetting to reply to you on either a roleplay account or skype. ksdfgh but do you see this person? This person has been with me since I roleplayed Zack as thepuppynamedzack / thatpuppynamedzack. ( so has blair but that’s besides the point. ) I remember when he was zack-anon and I would just stalk his threads like no one’s business. You wanna talk about a true sweetheart? Meet Kii, my twinnie. He makes awesome OC’s and cool little worlds to go with them. So please check out him out, you’d be doing yourself a favor. 

♕ ; q u e e n paleinsecurity

goddamn plaid.

First of all I fuckin’ love this woman. She is superb and I just love her to pieces. Plaid is a ridiculous dork who has amazing art and creates/has the most wonderful characters. She basically is like a mother to all and is the best babe, okay? She’s one of the sweetest little shits I’ve ever met in my life and how could you not be drawn to her? Honestly I don’t even want to look at you if you haven’t checked her out yet. ( Haha, kidding— but you really should. )

♚ ♕ significant monarchs. ♔♛            ( they’re just as important / amazing as the four above tbh. )

runravager · waterlilyren · thenumbedgrace · pxrzen · solauctor ·  deftsledge · lastlivingpotter · mortiuum

♚ ♕ influential monarchs. ♔ ♛           ( this list is a mix of people are still v important and amazing;           i just don’t know them on much of a personal level.           that and/or i just really like the way they roleplay )

thegraveheart · disputationix · impertinentpunk · thethundersson · strikephoenix · ihadwarnedyou · p-raesaepultus · magic-gems · di-angelx · infernointerra · umbrafatum · vxvacious · bloumiddel · thekeeperoferebus · intxllect · infectius · medraoux · rosannean · kizu-mono · enticingmalign · gravesradium

[thenumbedgrace]

Just a little test

Reblog this if I can tag you in random starters with no prior planning what so ever.

[thenumbedgrace]

"Now its three in the morning and I'm trying to change your mind." The hybrid hummed lightly as he scribbled into his journal. It was a cool night, so he dawned his soft leather jacket, it was worn out and didn't really belong to him. He paused and tapped the end of his pencil on the paper. "Left you multiple missed calls until my message you reply." Sighing he put the pencil down and closed the book with it left in between. He couldn't come up with any lyrics while he already had a song stuck in his head, as well as the massive writers block. "Why'd you only call me when you're high?"

[thenumbedgrace]

Go on ANON and tell me what you think of me. I do not want to know who it is, at all. Don’t tell me who it is, don’t give me hints, don’t say your screen name. Tell me exactly what you think of me. Don’t sugarcoat things. Don’t lie. If you hate me, tell me why. Tell me what I’m doing wrong. If you like me, tell me why. Tell me exactly what you think of me.

[thenumbedgrace]

Ask my Character 'Have you ever" questions