thepositiveturtleblog - Tumblr blog

[thepositiveturtleblog]

hi, it's been a while but my brain is heavy and I'm trying to figure it all out I wish there was a roadmap of how to do everything and I wish I didn't feel as lonely as I do. I have friends but even though I socialise with them it doesn't erase this underlying thought of loneliness. I have just been having a rough run of life recently and I hate everyone and no one at the same time. I can smile and be happy but it doesn't erase how I feel at the end of each day...

I don't understand people and don't know how I end up in these situations. I recently had a work accident where the chef "accidentally spilt" hot oil onto my wrist leading me to go into A&E and being seen fast because of how bad it was. It is painful and it may potentially scar me for life and I'll have to adjust to how stupid it looks. I know scars aren't something to be ashamed of and I know some people consider them beautiful but to me, I just feel gross and ugly. Mostly because I didn't deserve this and now I have to live with it. I have 100 people it seems telling me what I should and shouldn't do about this, but at the end of the day, it's my potential scar and my body and I'm allowed to be hurt by this as it is quite traumatic. I also hate the way my work handled this the chef not apologising and the boss trying to sweep it under the rug like it is nothing. I AM HURT and I have the people who did this to me pretending like it never happened it really makes me question if I'm just making this a big deal for no reason because I am lacking validation of how I'm feeling and it genuinely feels wrong to be this upset by something.

I know this feeling is temporary but I just need someone to tell me that it's okay to feel like this. I need someone to let me know that I'm not alone :( thank you for reading - Turtle

[thepositiveturtleblog]

bro seriously said "you're like an adult child" and "you should probably lay off the carbs" fuck off!!!

[thepositiveturtleblog]

Do you ever do things because they’re familiar even if you don’t like them.

I find myself often falling into familiar and destructive patterns and sometimes it scares me that I am often the curator of my own downfall. I usually convince myself that the moments that I am happy are only temporary so I shouldn't deserve them. I know from experience that as soon as I feel love I gaslight myself so that I end up believing that I don't deserve it or that I am not allowed to feel this way about something or someone.

I cry when I feel positive emotions because it's been years since I could feel them let alone take myself outside and be happy to exist in the moment. I have an okay job and good friends. I'm making plans and I'm doing well with uni.

And despite this, I have negative thoughts that like to tell me I'm not doing enough or not being productive. This often leads to an unproductive cycle where I don't do anything for days and weeks because there's no deadline forcing me to work.

I've lost friends I thought were close and although it hurt I know that it's for the best. I'm not the person they once knew and that's okay. They weren't ready to change but I'm constantly striving to change to become a happier version of myself.

I often find myself wanting to listen to my intrusive thoughts but I know my brain is only doing this to find some sort of familiarity in the chaos that I would then create. I know that through experience I've done this numerous times and hurt a lot of people and that wasn't my intention. I just get scared when life becomes peaceful because I haven't really felt at peace until recently through the help of therapy and allowing myself to work on these issues and find their root causes.

I know I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to work on getting better so please try to be patient with me.

Things I write in the hopes someone understands or can relate.

[thepositiveturtleblog]

I want to know what it's like to not be traumatised. I wish I could go about my day and not worry about how my words might impact people. I wish the voice in my head wasn't as negative. I wish I loved myself more. I wish friends didn't leave. I wish a lot of things but that doesn't mean I'll get them... I have had to learn the hard way that I can't fix the voice in my head. I can talk about it, and I can try and heal but I can't erase it. I have to live with it and myself and I have to find ways to come to terms with losing people, who were once close to me. Recently I have found out that I often blame myself because it's "easier". After all, I constantly overanalyse the situation and attempt to find faults which inevitably only hurts me. Some people are just unable to recognise when they hurt people or when they're in the wrong and I can't force them to apologise for the pain they've caused... I just have to learn to live with it. I wish I was happy but you can't force it. I can have good days but I know that the majority of the time the next day I will be fighting against myself. I know my head is often a bad place to be and I wouldn't wish this on anyone, which is why I overanalyse the way I talk to people, and what I do so that I won't cause the pain I've been through to others. I know I have friends who care and love me but some days when my head gets bad I blame myself for being a bad friend when in fact I don't think I am.

[thepositiveturtleblog]

Hopes for 2024 <3

I want to write down all of my goals for 2024 but realistically it creates a false sense of achievement and a goal that you may not reach which leads to disappointment. despite my opinion on it, I do think sometimes it is beneficial to have a list of things I would've liked to have achieved throughout the year. I want to be able to save money this year. I don't care about the amount I just want to start building a fund to sort a house for myself further down the line. I want to have money so that I don't have to depend on anyone and know that if all fails I have a stash I can fall back on. Secondly, I want to organise projects and my time a lot better so that I feel for fulfilled and less stressed all of the time. I want to organise birthdays and I want to sort Christmas a lot better for next year. On top of that, I want to find a job that is stable and can give me hours to earn a decent amount so that I can live comfortably which will allow me to save a lot more than I currently can.

I also want to let myself have bad days and I want to take myself places because I want to go also because I think it's fun to explore new places. There are a lot of things I want to do but I think most of them are already goals I am already partially achieving. for instance: climbing 2-3 times a week swimming twice a month? eating healthier no "easy meals" Trying and reduce my sugar intake including "fizzy drinks" They already make me feel gassy and ew so it's a good idea to try and cut them or just get rid. I want to be happy in my body and although everyone says I'm "healthy" I think there's a boundary where I know I will be happy and I would like to stay there. I want to have a good work/uni and social schedule so that I don't sit in my loneliness. I would like to try running again possibly even if it's once a week or once every 2 weeks I would like to try just because I've missed it a lot. I would like to meal prep so that if I'm having a hard day or a long ass day I know that I have food in the house. I want to spend more time with the new friends I've made and try and move on from people who have hurt me recently or have tried to make my life difficult to live. I know I will have to wait for these things to become habits but I know if I do them I might be a happier version of myself hopefully. I would like to travel next year as well, I think my best plan for that would be when I have my tenancy crossover so that I wouldn't have to go home and I could create some amazing memories along the way. it will work out <3 ily <3

[thepositiveturtleblog]

“A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes when everyone else sees the smile on your face.”

— Unknown

[thepositiveturtleblog]

You are not a bother. You are not a burden. You are not a waste of space. You are not annoying every person you talk to. Your existence matters. Your presence makes a good difference.

[thepositiveturtleblog]

I am annoyed by how people can push others around like their own personal slave like who tf do you think you are. I recently started a new job and I worked 40+ hours for them over the space of 2 weeks and they then proceeded to let me go. They didn't really let me go for a valid reason as I'm actually good at my job they fired me based on the sole purpose that I hadn't memorised their menu in 2 weeks and this menu is complex and has about 10-20 sub-categories for most of the dishes that they served. On average, I spent about 20-30 hours out of work trying my hardest to learn this menu, giving myself headaches and migraines. I struggle to memorise most things and I've never been really good academically so being forced to memorise a complex menu was draining me and making me depressed after a while. Part of me is glad I lost this job because I can find a job that will actually appreciate me, but in the city where I live, it's hard to find a job that will value their employees. I really hope things work out and I'm not constantly being treated like crap... I love you so much you've got this.

[thepositiveturtleblog]

I wish things wouldn’t hurt me as much as they did and I wasn’t as emotional as I’ve become. In a way, I’m great full for feeling things but at the same time it's so draining…

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I just wish you could understand the pain of healing yourself to then getting hurt by other people who need to heal. This pain sets you back a few days, weeks or maybe months’ worth of therapy. I don’t like to complain or try and blame anyone for the issues they have. I want everything to be peaceful and I don’t want people to hate me. Recently, it’s become a theme that the unhealed people will do something I know I used to do, like not communicating well etc. I know I shouldn’t get mad or annoyed, and I know I should understand but it sucks so much when you tried so hard to become a better version of yourself. To realise that this trauma that you've healed has hurt you can slowly take more of a toll on you. Although you no longer hurt the way you used to, other people you care about can sometimes hurt you. I know I was selfish before I got help and I know used to put my problems on others or get mad when they wouldn’t listen. I never asked to be treated badly or pushed to the side when I was younger those things just happened… I like to think I’m happier now but on the odd occasion there is something will come up and trigger the younger version of me who just needed someone to hug her when the world seemed hard or cruel. She just needed someone to sit down and listen to her and the thing that sucks the most about this whole situation is that now, the only time she doesn’t feel guilty now is when she’s paying someone to listen and help her. 

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I guess moving out and living on your own you come to realise that we are all just people trying to figure it out. Judging someone based on them living their life trying to figure shit out Is a dick move in and of itself.

[thepositiveturtleblog]

I can’t wait for the day I will sit in a room and it will finally feel like home. knowing one day I will own it. Getting to decorate it to my taste and organise it so it’s not a mess like previous homes I’ve had </3 it will be my own personal pond and i will only allow people who haven’t hurt me into it’s wall’s. I just can’t wait to know I’m getting somewhere in life and things I dreamed of are starting to come true 🥹

[thepositiveturtleblog]

I’m scared what would happen if I didn’t make plans what would happen to me?

[thepositiveturtleblog]

hey silly little blog! 

been a while huh? 

I want to talk about how I’m doing. After all, I think it’s important I talk to the void about myself seeing as I don’t have therapy this week cause I’m moving out of my flat currently! It’s so weird to be in a place where I’m happy about the fact I have progressed so much in the time I’ve spent in this room and changed into a sophisticated person. This means that I can finally understand my emotions and idk just finally understand that it’s okay to do what YOU want and it’s okay not to please everyone around you to make them comfortable. 

It’s okay to quit a job if the people you work with make you uncomfortable. It’s okay not to stay somewhere because it’s comfortable (financially) I know that I will find somewhere that will respect me for who I am and not use me for my looks or tries to be little me because they don’t think I’m intelligent because I chose to get a job as a waitress. I want to be respected and not sexualised in a workplace and as stupid as it sounds this has never really happened before in all the experiences I’ve had before this and the first time I work for a man he seems alright to start out with and then slowly turns into a misogynistic prick who asks you to wear shit to work that's just inappropriate or professional at all. I’m glad I got out of the situation but I shouldn’t have had to leave somewhere I enjoyed working because of the management.  I am looking forward to the new house and although it seems a while away currently I know spending time with my dad for the first time in years and sort of moving in will be a good experience because he will let me continue to live how I have been for nearly a year now without trying to shove me in a box. He understands that growing up means allowing space for me to have a life outside of family life. I might try to get a job whilst I’m up there just so I can try and make new friends and earn a bit of money over the summer.  My dad will be coming down on Friday and I get to show him the city and just let him see how well I’m doing and how much this year has allowed me to grow! He will also be helping me finish moving out which really helps to heal parts of our relationship because it shows that he really cares and wants to be there for me and it shows that he likes to put effort into the relationship to make sure that I don’t struggle alone. I don’t think I could ever vocalise this to him but it honestly means so much to me. I am so thankful to have him in my life and to have somewhere safe that I can call home. I just wish I had this when I was younger but I know now that it wasn’t he didn’t mean for any of the pain/ trauma I’ve been through. he really loves me. 

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I am scared? yes!  am I scared that I actually like you and think you don’t want the same as me? yes! Do I think you like me as a friend and wouldn’t want more? yes, I am scared that the more you learn about me, the more you want to leave and you feel guilty about that because I have explained how people leave after they get what they want. Do I find it scary that as silly as it is that my brain constantly wants to make you happy despite if I don’t get the same reciprocated yes! And does it annoy me that you sometimes ignore half of the questions I ask, yes? Is it silly that when I ask questions like Are you mad at me? far too often it then leads to you getting angry or telling me how you hate that question? well, I fucking hate it too and I’m sorry that I have endured so much trauma I have to ask it. I wish I felt secure in my relationships despite how hard I am trying to improve I know this situation is far too similar to the little monsters I believed were under my bed when I was a kid. I know they aren’t there but my brain puts them there hypothetically until I confront them with a night light and only then will they go away. The scary reality is I will ask these silly questions, no matter if we are friends or something more it’s something you will have to answer as my favourite person because I need the reassurance that there aren’t monsters under my bed that will take you away. I need to know that you’re okay and that we are okay because if we aren’t you might become one of the monsters under my bed. I am scared because I lose most of the people I care about to these hypothetical monsters under my bed. After all, the reason I am scared is that this hypothetical nightlight will die out If I lose you again. I know that will then lead to me Losing myself to this darkness and that's what scares me the most. I will repeatedly tell you that the responsibility isn’t yours because I don’t have any intentions to manipulate you, but I know that it’s the only way I can think to explain what happens when I lose someone I really care about. The darkness that looms in the corners of my brain or under my hypothetical bed never leaves. I just know with reassurance it will keep my nightlight burning, and I won’t lose myself in my stupid fucking brain. So if there is one thing you can take away from this is that I need my reassurance to not spiral and convince myself of 1000′s of scenarios of what I might’ve done to annoy you or piss you off which will cause me to lose you. 

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I know I shouldn’t get so worked up over things I can’t control but sometimes I  want to be happy and I want to be loved. I know I struggle to be alone and I know this stems from me being left out of things when I was younger or just being forgotten about unless I started crying or lashed out at my siblings. I was an angry child and I had a right to be. I just hate how this abandonment and lack of attention made me want to search for validation from my loved ones. I wish someone would just hug me when they know I’m not doing okay and not push me to tell them word for word what's wrong because I need to be comforted before I can tell you what's wrong because I’ve spent most of my life hiding how I was feeling. After all, it bothered people. I know I have my issues and problems and I am slowly learning how to communicate my needs and finding ways to make myself happier in general. I know healing fluctuates but sometimes it kills to know that underneath all of this healing and trauma is just a misunderstood version of myself that a few friends are slowly healing. I know it’s stupid but one of my closest friends bought me a small plushie because they knew I wasn’t doing as well as I have been this small gesture genuinely healed the girl under all of this facade it made her feel loved and appreciated and it honestly meant the world knowing that I don’t have to ask her to love me she just does. when I’m around her I feel like someone genuinely cares about me and it’s not for any moral gain or to try and get anything from me. it’s genuinely because she cares about me and wants to spend time around me and loves to.  I am so lucky to have found someone like her and I honestly can’t thank her enough for being here for me through all of the pain I've been through and also for being here for some of my happiest moments in years.  I guess I just love her because I know we both heal each other's inner child and it’s honestly just nice to be understood for once in my life.  she is my platonic soulmate and I wouldn’t change her for the world <33 (not me crying about how much I love her lmao)

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