therandomavenger

[therandomavenger]

Love this!

this is your gentle reminder to stop fighting against your adhd and instead structure your life around it

buy a pack of chapsticks and put one in the pocket of all of your coats and jackets because you always forget to bring one and chapped lips is sensory hell

leave important things where you can see them. if they go in a box or a drawer you will forget they exist

put any appointments or deadlines in your phone calendar As Soon As you get them. set a reminder for a week before, a day before, an hour before, as many as you need as often as you need them.

when that little voice in your head says "i dont need to write that down, ill remember it" that is the devil talking!!! write it down anyway!!

plan for down time. have a few hours at the end of every day to just do fun stuff like engage in your hyperfixations. even if you didnt get all of your work done that day, have the rest anyway. you probably spent the whole day beating yourself up for not doing what you Should be doing, so you still need the break.

if you never eat vegetables because its too much effort to chop and cook them, get the frozen or canned shit. it doesnt go off for ages and you just have to microwave it. theres no point buying fresh vegetables if they just keep going off and being left to rot in the bottom of your fridge

if you struggle to decide what to have for dinner every day, take the decision out of it. choose a set of meals and eat those on rotation until you get sick of them, then choose some new ones and do it again.

its not stupid if it works! our brains literally have a chemical deficiency. you are allowed to accommodate yourself. go forth and stop making your life more difficult than it has to be because "this shouldn't be this hard". it is hard, so make it easier.

[therandomavenger]

Don't Let the Bastards Grind You Down

It’s been a rough time to be a person with any sense of empathy and moral responsibility. I probably don’t need to go into the reasons why. The worst people are in charge and they’re proud and boastful about the harm they’re doing to the most vulnerable. Many of these people are supported by friends and family we once thought we could trust, and that betrayal hits harder than almost any other part of this.

Those of us who are in populations of marginalized people are constantly told that our demands for equality are too much and we should be grateful for whatever scraps we are given. The taxes we pay are being used to fund our oppression, and if there’s a way to make peace with that, I have no idea what it is. We can’t really be sure that the nation we thought we grew up in actually exists anymore, or if there’s any way to get back to a more just society (Don’t get it twisted, The US has never been a Just Society for the majority of people).

There’s very little good news, but this is an opportunity for us to make common cause together and use whatever power is left to us to bend the arc of history back into a more reasonable shape. It’s going to be hard, but it’s not impossible. I don’t have a specific plan for this, but there are some smart people who do, and there are a lot of us who want to see it happen.

And, right now, it’s okay to feel your feelings and be sad and angry. Rageful, even. But these horrible people are not moved by our despair. They laugh at it. It motivates them to do even more awful things to us. So, we can feel despair, but we can’t give up. All of those people with coffee cups labeled ‘liberal tears’ want to see us demoralized and hopeless. So, let’s not give that to them. What they want to do is rob us of our joy, and that’s something we absolutely cannot let them do.

So, get mad, let yourself be mad, but keep seeking, through all of this, ways to connect with joy. Celebrate the small wins. Read books and listen to music that makes you happy. Let joy inspire us to create a world that is better for everyone, yes, even the people who hate us. Do not give the assholes any sense that they’ve one. Let them wonder how we stay motivated for the fight. Let them wonder why we’re still laughing at stupid memes. Let them wonder why their taste of victory is turning to ashes in their mouths.

This is not a ‘bury your head in the sand’ strategy. Joy is survival. Joy is resilience. Joy is defiance. Joy is hope. They want to take all those things from us, and it’s okay right now if you feel like they have, and to be in your feelings about it. But don’t let the bastards win. Don’t let it take your joy and hope from you. Seek out sources of joy, wherever they are. Joy is giant middle finger to the assholes. Keep flipping that finger at them, in whatever ways you can.

For me, I’m worried, yes. My ACA premium might go up significantly and all of my grandchildren are aided by food assistance and Medicaid. I can envision a turn of events where my entire career is made illegal and I am even punished for writing about queer joy. But I’m not going to stop doing it. I will not comply in advance. I’m out here with my full legal name on my books. If they want to stop me, they’re going to have to kill me. I will find ways to distribute my work even if censorship does come full force against us. I am not going back in the closet. I am not going to withdraw support from my trans siblings, or the immigrant community. I am even going to fight for services to help the very people who voted for this, because they are at risk too. I will fight disinformation wherever I find it, even though it feels like it doesn’t even matter if we can prove that truth is on our side. And I will never stop side-eyeing the people who brought us to this place through their action or inaction.

They want us demoralized. They want us to give up. They would like nothing better to see us all crying and decrying what’s happened. And while we need to process our big feelings and make plans for ourselves to keep each other safe as much as possible, we need to practice joy. Find things that are worth celebrating, whatever the source of that is for you. It will fuel us and inspire us to do everything we can to lead our nation, and the world, into a better, more equitable place.

It may not work. Things may get worse. But they may get better too. I wish I had a way to make a reliable prediction. There are more of us than there are of them, and if they see us embracing joy it will affect them, maybe make them lose a bit of their immoral resolve. There is no one way to do this. Do whatever you can, for however long you can. Rest when you need to.

Don’t let the Bastards Grind You Down …     

[therandomavenger]

Meet the Cast of World Enough and Time

Here's the main cast of World Enough and Time, my new contemporary sci-fi romance, including the obvious most important character, Sergio!

get the book here!

[therandomavenger]

Dmitri feels like his life is a hot mess, but he actually has his shit together. Jay seems like he has his life together, but he's actually a hot mess. Oh, and one of them is secretly an alien? What will happen when their worlds collide?

[therandomavenger]

Do It Until It Doesn't Suck

Late last year, after the worst year of my life, I decided to throw another project on the pile (and on top of the wreckage): getting into shape. I had just been dumped. I was finishing up my graphic design degree. I’d been living with my parents for several months. Everything had fallen apart, but I thought, this is something I need to do to feel better about myself. So, I joined a gym, and started going, trying to make it there at least twice a week.

I kind of knew what I was doing? I mean I knew what exercises I needed to work on based on when I’d done this before in my early thirties. I also knew not to overdo it, or I would hurt myself. I did an hour of lifting, and an hour of cardio on the treadmill twice a week (or so).

Here’s what no one tells you when you start something new, especially something hard. It absolutely sucks at first. All these fitness influencers who tell you how instantly good you’re going to feel are full of shit, and then have extra shit stuffed in. It’s the worst. It’s painful. It’s frustrating, even if you start slow. Your body protests. It begs to stop. You feel stupid because you’re not good at it yet. It absolutely sucks.

For me, it sucked for about six months. I kept with it. I had a vision of myself as someone who could do hard things, and that helped. I had the goal of going twice a week, but sometimes it was once a week and sometimes I would skip weeks altogether. But I kept with it. Then, about the first part of April, it just became something I did. I didn’t love it, but it started to bring me joy. I was finally seeing tangible results. My conditioning had improved to the point that it didn’t feel so much like a struggle. I started lifting heavier weights. My body was changing. I didn’t look like a Hemsworth yet (someday …) but there was visible definition in my arms, chest, and shoulders. I’d lost about fifteen pounds. All of this gave me motivation to double down and up my workout to three times a week. And then I started making more progress.

But that first six months? It was awful. Fortunately, I was stubborn enough to stick to it, and now it’s just something I do and challenge myself with. It’s still not FUN, but it is enjoyable on some level. When I miss a workout, I notice, and I sense the lack. But I had to get through that first six months of suckage. I’m told six months is typical for something like this.

It's like this with a lot of things. Whenever you start something new, whether it’s a fitness routine, or a new career, or an artistic pursuit, or a new habit like writing, there’s maybe a two-week period where you’re excited and it feels easy. Then, it starts to suck. Like, hard. Like should be illegal amounts of suckage. And a lot of people give up at this stage. I think the stats say that something like 85%+ on new year’s resolutions are abandoned by the time the calendar flips over into February. And it’s not surprising. Things that seem like a clever idea when you start absolutely do not feel that way after two weeks or so. You’re struggling and, worse, seeing no progress, so you wonder why you’re wasting your time. Surely, you say to yourself, if this were meant to be I would be having an easier time with it?

But no. New things suck. Sometimes suck hard. You gotta get through the suck. Which led me to a new rule for myself when I start something:

Do it until it doesn’t suck.

That’s it. No matter how much it sucks after the first month, if it’s important to you, stick with it. IT WILL GET BETTER! I promise!

Now, if something just seemed like it would be purely fun and you have no more motivation than that for continuing, you don’t have to continue to do things you hate. But if something is important, stick with it. Do it until it doesn’t suck.

I wish I knew a way to make it easier, beyond simple awareness. Do whatever it takes to get though the suck. If you must bribe yourself with sugary snacks, do it! If you must make a substantial wager with a rival to give them money if you stop (people have found this very motivating), do it. There are no easy ways to get through the suck, and also no rules about how you do it. Whatever works is on the table.

Just realize, no matter how slow you start, the suck is coming. You can’t avoid it. Get through it to the other side, and you will have found new levels of strength within yourself, and you will start to make substantial progress toward your goals. There is no shortcut.

But I will say, it’s worth it. Here, after eight months, I am, at the age of 52, in the best physical shape I’ve ever been in my life. I have not achieved my goals yet, but I’m only 15 pounds away from my goal weight, and I keep getting stronger. I joke about having accomplished FEATS OF STRENGTH, but it is actually motivating to be more physically capable, when that has always been something you felt you lacked. I can see myself continuing this habit for the rest of my life. I’ve even designed a tattoo that I will get when I’ve reached the goal of being able to bench press my own body weight (It’s a Celtic knot symbolizing strength). The best news is I don’t hate doing it anymore.

So, whatever you’re doing, Do It Until It Doesn’t Suck. It’s a simple rule, but it will open many new ventures for you. It applies to everything, sadly. New things can suck for a log time, but if you just keep going, they will stop sucking and they will become an important part of your life.   

[therandomavenger]

In Defense of Theme

I’ve run across a lot of people lately who say something like, ‘I’m not writing with a message. I just want to write fun stories that entertain people,’ and also, ‘Thinking about the big ideas you’re working with is misguided, it’s not a writer’s job to work with a theme in mind, it’s the job of the critic to think about theme.’ There’s also the old wisdom that says, ‘If you think about theme too much when you’re writing your work will read like an after school special.’ And while I can see where those people are coming from, that is not an approach I can go along with.

First, let’s define our terms. Theme is a big word that gets bandied about a lot, but for me, it’s not something that only belongs in Lit class (a common argument). Themes are the big ideas your work is engaging with. They are more specific than obscure concepts like ‘Justice’ or ‘Love.’ They’re like a thesis statement. ‘Love can’t always save us but it’s worth fighting for, anyway,’ is a theme. ‘People who want power often can’t be trusted with it,’ is a theme. A friend writes YA fantasy, the theme of which is ‘No matter your place in the community, you always belong to yourself.’ Those are themes. Those are big ideas that provide a moral and often narrative framework.

Can you be too didactic about your themes? Absolutely. No one likes a heavy-handed allegory. But this is an issue of skill, not about the appropriateness of engaging with theme at all. You certainly don’t need to have theme front and center in your writing, but it’s good to at least be thinking of the messages your work is sending or reinforcing. You don’t have to set out with a theme in mind when you start writing. It’s best not to. Let the themes emerge as you write. And if you’re writing something with at least a little bit of depth, they will. You might discover what you think about some big issues when you write the story, and this can become your theme.

And here’s the thing, whether or not you do it purposefully, your work will have a theme. The problem comes when your theme is something you did not intend. This is how we get JK Rowling writing an entire book touching on the theme ‘Slavery is good actually, if the slaves are into it!’  Did she mean to say that? Maybe, maybe not (At this point she deserves 0 benefits of the doubt). But that theme was definitely delivered. It’s also how we get book after book populated by nothing but cishet white people because the author ‘Didn’t want to get political.’ It is impossible for a human being to create a written work of fiction that does not have some sort of theme, intentional or not. I’m not asking for people to get preachy, but just to be aware of this and be intentional about it.

Theme is not something I have in mind when I first start envisioning a story, but it does emerge very early in the planning process, and that gives me the freedom to either lean into it or complicate it as I go along. It is something that I can articulate and talk about by the time the book is ready to be published, and knowing the theme helps me make sure those books get into the hands of the right readers. I like that my books are about something real, alongside the worldbuilding, plot shenanigans, and smut.

Now, if all you want is for a story to be fun, that is valid as well. But you’re always making story choices, no matter your intent, and there will be a theme. I mean the Itsy-Bitsy Spider has a theme (Persistence is important. I’m not even kidding.)

So, to summarize, theme is not something that needs to be centered in your writing, but it is something you need to be aware of and intentional with. Get readers to help you suss out your themes if you’re having trouble finding them. It can only help you.

[therandomavenger]

[therandomavenger]

I stand by this.

[therandomavenger]

Saving My Spoons: Social Media for the Chaotic Author

Ok, so a while back I decided to be more intentional about what and where I posted on social media. I developed a couple of flavors of posts I felt comfortable with, and (and this is important) that I enjoyed. I upgraded to a Facebook professional account and became verified. I started posting on Instagram, Facebook, Threads, and BlueSky. Those were the places I had the biggest audience, and the biggest reach.

No, I was more intentional, but I still posted mostly text and picture posts, thoughts off the top of my head. Anyone who’s paid any attention knows that there’s not a little bit of feral chaos in what I post. That is because I enjoy it, and if it becomes part of my brand (ick. I’m sorry), so be it. I’ve seen my audience grow and get more engagement, and I’ve actually seen a growth in book sales, which was not necessarily the goal, but was a nice side benefit.

So, after a couple of months of this, I’ve noticed a few things. My percentage of engagement comes from Facebook. That’s where I’ve built the most relationships. I don’t have a really high number of followers, but they’ve grown lately, which is nice. People who follow me on insta are almost exclusively people who also follow me on Facebook. By cross-posting, I am basically spamming them twice. That’s unnecessary, and annoying. I have friends who get a lot of traction on insta, but they also post reels and have a more aesthetic feed than I do. And are more plugged into bookstagram, which has never felt natural for me. They also tend to write YA and cishet romance. I know there are queer authors doing well on insta, but I don’t think I’m destined to be one of them. The vibes are off. So, going forward, I’m pretty much going to abandon posting on insta. I will use it to collect hot guy thirst traps (don’t judge me) which is its greatest utility to me anyway.

Which brings me to threads. Ah, threads, we had such high hopes for you. But honestly, the place is as toxic as twitter ever was. I have a lot of followers, but they are not people who fall into my natural audience. It’s mostly newbie writers and people with hot takes. The algorithm pushes conflict, and I find myself constantly annoyed and in internet fights which are a waste of everyone’s time. Theres a lot of performative everything. I don’t think it’s doing me any good in any capacity, so today I took the step of removing it from my social media home screen. I can go into apps and look at it if I really want to punish myself, but I needed to get out of the habit of checking it reflexively. Honestly, if I never look at it again, I will probably be much happier. So, I’m tossing that site into the bin.

BlueSky, I adore. There’s been a lot of ‘BlueSky is dying’ handwringing lately which I just don’t get. I have 1500 followers there and fairly good engagement. Also, I’ve had great conversations there with people I would otherwise never have met, and isn’t that what social media is supposed to be for? It’s less of a ‘hot take’ factory. It’s unhinged at times, but more contemplative. And the threads book drama is largely absent, thank dog. Also, BlueSky is the online home for a massive number of Queer nerds, and they are my people.

Now, the social media site I vibe with the most is definitely Tumblr. It seems like I would be made for that platform. As much as I love it, though, I never get any traction with anything I post. It’s actually heartbreaking. It’s like I’ve been rejected by the weird kids. But I’m going to keep trying because maybe one day something will hit.

Now, by focusing on three sites: Facebook, BlueSky, and Tumblr, I’m hitting three distinct audiences. There’s very little overlap, so I can cross-post and not worry about wearing out the same people who already saw my posts on one of the other places. This will save me a lot of mental energy and probably annoy fewer people (That number will never be 0).

So that’s what I’m going to do moving forward. Don’t look for me on insta and threads, but the chaos will continue on Facebook, BlueSky, and Tumblr. Those are the places I feel most at home, anyway.       

[therandomavenger]

Square tap: dead. My will to sell books anyway: immortal. Catch me keying in card numbers like a retail cryptid because people are actually buying my stuff.

[therandomavenger]

An Excerpt from World Enough and Time

[therandomavenger]

I was driving up to a friend’s for the weekend on Friday and nearly broke down in tears because I saw a billboard on the side of a southern highway. It had the same yellow background with red text that those awful, ubiquitous “Jesus Saves!” billboards have. I nearly missed it.

It said:

“Rejoice! God loves trans kids!”

[therandomavenger]

New Blog Post!

[therandomavenger]

Your Support System

            No one is an island, least of all creative people. All of us who are engaged in creative work need to have lives that support that work. But what does it mean to have a support system? What forms can that take?

            A major kind of support, and perhaps one of the most important, is the support of the people in your life, at least some of them. No matter what kind of creative work you’re engaged in, you need people that will support your dream in major and minor ways. These are people who will help you protect and keep you on track. None of these people necessarily needs to understand the in and out of your specific projects, but they should agree with you that your work should be a priority. This support can take many forms. It’s the partner who keeps a job maintaining health insurance so you can go part time in your job. It’s the best friend who listens to you babble about your rough drafts. It’s the parents who brag about your accomplishments to your friends even though they really don’t understand them. These are also people who hold you accountable for not squandering your creative gifts.

            To properly utilize these people, should you be lucky enough to have them, you need to be clear about what you need, how they can help, and understand what is reasonable. But the most important thing you need from these people is belief, belief that your work is a valid pursuit and a good use of your time. And when you find these people, you owe them something. You owe them the courtesy of using your time wisely and working on your craft to the point that you’re making progress. If these people come to believe that their sacrifices aren’t actually being beneficial, they will come to resent them.

For years, my former spouse supported my writing dreams. But there came a point (and we’re talking about 15 years here) where I still wasn’t finishing things. I’d made progress selling short stories, but I was constantly abandoning projects and chasing the newest idea, and she saw all that effort as a dead end. And from her perspective, she was right. Writing was not a useful use of my time anymore, and she made that clear. She wasn’t indulging me anymore.

Now, the reason I couldn’t finish things was complex, and had a lot to do with living in the closet and needed to be out of that situation in the first place. Her withdrawing her support of my dream gave me the kick in the ass I needed to change my life, which meant ending the marriage and freeing both of us from the trap we were in. Not to get into all of that, but I eventually started finishing things, and then publishing them, and though our marriage had ended she was incredibly happy for me. So, you owe it to the people who support you to make progress, so their sacrifices feel worthwhile. And if you can’t for some reason, do your best to figure out why.

So, people are the first level of the support system you need. Something else you need is a location to pursue your creative projects. This could mean a dedicated home office, or craft room, or workshop, or art studio, or even a corner all to yourself. Somewhere you can go to work. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a dedicated space. Maybe it’s a rolling organizer you keep all your scrapbooking supplies in. Something that belongs to you that other people will not mess with. This could also mean using a co-working space or having regular hours at a library. There are many different ways to make this happen for yourself, depending on your circumstances. But stake out some territory in the actual geography of your life where you can say, ‘This is my creative space.’ This will be easier for some people than others. In my old house, I had a dedicated office, which I loved, but when I had to move, I made do with an office are in the corner of my new bedroom. This works just as well as the dedicated office did. I put everything in there that I needed and purchased a room divider screen to partition the space, and to provide an attractive background on zoom calls. It helps that I don’t use my home office setup for anything but actual work, whether that’s writing, or design work out schoolwork, which helps it feel even more like a sacred space for creativity.

Related to the issue of having a physical space, is having the proper tools for your craft. This could be a writer’s laptop, a set of woodworking tools, the proper brushes and paints, or special quilting scissors. Having the proper tools will make you more successful and the work more rewarding. You are not doing anything wrong spending money on them (a reasonable amount anyway). You are not being selfish. Also, depending on how you file, you might be able to deduct some of these expenses from your tax burden. (consult a professional not some rando on the internet). And it’s probably best to invest in the highest quality tools that you can afford. You’ll get more use out of them, with better results, and you won’t have to replace them as often.

But perhaps the most important part of your support system is the one thing I know you have. You. You need to be fully behind deciding that pursuing creative work is important. You need to give yourself permission to pursue the work, seek the training, and bring out what you create. You need to be the first person who is on your side. That means taking yourself seriously as a creative person and seeing it as a worthwhile pursuit. Also, it means accessing and protecting your sources of inspiration and taking a break when you need to. It means taking the time you need to work and putting an appropriate number of resources toward it. (I mean don’t let your family starve, but still …) It is a fundamental way of seeing yourself. Even if you don’t think the things you create are important, I promise you they are. In a world progressively more industrialized and automated, we need to be in touch without creativity, and people respond to work that is created by actual humans. Even if you can only do it every other weekend, or occasionally, because your life is busy, and you have responsibilities. Seeing yourself as a creative person is the best gift you can give yourself. It is a gift only you can give yourself as well.

Support systems come in all sorts of formations. It may be tough to assemble all the pieces I’ve outlined here, and really, the only one that’s absolutely necessary is that last one. Be your own biggest fan, lay a foundation for yourself upon which you can build. The other things will come in time.

[therandomavenger]

The Unbearable Beauty of Circular Progress

It would be nice sometimes if life worked according to video game rules. You could overcome the challenge, level up, and be able to use that new skill in subsequent levels. And to a certain extent, it kind of does work like that. You usually only have to learn how to ride a bike once, for example (as long as it takes you). Driving also tends to get better as you go along. But a lot of stuff, especially personal development stuff, does not progress that way. We keep having to learn the same lessons over and over. This happens in relationships. How many people do you know keep dating different versions of the same asshole (The asshole with a thousand faces).

A couple of years ago, I think it was December of 2022, I had a major crisis of confidence and a prolonged depression. When I discussed it with my psychiatrist, telling him everything about my life that was bothering me, he said, “Let me introduce you to a concept called Radical Acceptance.” He suggested some books and podcasts, and I read and listened to them, and it actually helped a lot.

The core of radical acceptance is not just accepting everything that happens to you without complaining. It comes from an understanding that we cause ourselves the greatest amount of pain when we resist reality being what it is. When we get wrapped up in the ‘shoulds’ or ‘shouldn’ts.’ If I do this, I should … This shouldn’t be happening … that kind of thing. That is not to say we shouldn’t do our best to face problems head on and try to resist injustice. It’s when we get mortally offended that the world does not seem to be acting the way we think it should that we get stuck and paralyzed. Once we accept reality, we can roll up our sleeves and get about the work of making it better or adjusting to it in healthier ways.

In December of 2022 I was not seeing much progress in my life. I’d put out a couple of books to very little reaction. My dating life was going nowhere. I’d lost 30 pounds the year before, but that journey had gotten stalled. The concept of radical acceptance taught me that the world was under no obligation to conform to my expectations, and If I stopped being mad about that, I could get to work on the real problems. It took a while, but that’s what I did.

It basically comes down to understanding that the world is not fair and is not meant to be. We can be upset about things not being fair, and yes we can try to change systems so they are more fair, if that is within our power, but getting stuck on the ‘it’s not fair!’ of it all doesn’t actually do anything to help you. It helps you infantilize yourself. Whining is the antithesis of action. I’m not saying we shouldn’t care about things being unfair, just to acknowledge that doesn’t mean a whole lot.

Anyway, this realization helped me get my head on straight, for a while at least. I ended up getting into a relationship soon after, I had more success publishing, I wrote more books, I felt better about how things were going because I took material action to change them.

Fast forward to 2024, which was the year that wrecked me. I’ve written about it before, but I lost pretty much everything, including my sense of who I was. But in the middle of all that, I got a certificate in graphic design, I wrote two books, and I landed on my feet, in a much more sustainable situation than I’d been in before.

But for the past couple of months, I’ve started getting lost again in questions of fairness. People with a lot less experience than I have got great book deals. I placed a couple of short stories for publication, but my career seemed to be going nowhere. I wasn’t happy with my book sales. Single again, I got back on the dating apps and everyone on the dating apps said, “Thanks but no thanks” (which, fair). I was having some conflicts with some good friends who were also stuck in crises of confidence. It didn’t seem like anything I could do would materially change the circumstances of my life. The universe didn’t give one flying fuck about how hard I was working. I cycled in and out of depression. I talked about this a lot with my therapist, but I didn’t get into the nitty-gritty with her, because I already knew what she was going to say, and she’d be right.

Here's the thing: my life is pretty good right now. I am able to spend all my days being creative. I don’t have to have a crappy day job that sucks up my energy. I have a safe and comfortable place to live, rest, and work. I don’t have the money for a lot of extras, but I can pay my bills. There are people who would kill for my life. Twenty years ago, I would have been one of them. The only thing that was wrong was that I wasn’t as successful as I wanted to be. Which …. Ok? And? No one is as successful as they want to be. And when I’m not selling books, it’s pretty much because I haven’t advertised. Maybe nothing has taken off and sold a million copies, but I have readers. I’ve put out nine books in the last four years, after a lifetime of not being able to finish things. And I’m proud of the work I’m doing. I am not homeless. No one is breathing down my neck about anything. My children are grown and have turned into pretty cool, capable people (who, yes, struggle like the rest of us do). I have a functional relationship with my family, when that had always seemed like it would be in doubt if I ever came out. I’m able to be myself wherever I go, and I don’t have to hide the way I did for the first 46 years. After a cancer scare, my body is healthy and does everything I ask of it. I’ve found a faith community that accepts me for who I am. All of these are objectively amazing things, things that I had once not even dared to hope for.

Which led me back to radical acceptance. Again. I was getting caught up in the ‘not fair’ of it all and wasn’t doing the basic things I needed to do to make a difference in my own life and the lives of the people I loved. I wasn’t appreciating the many good things I had, or the fact that I wasn’t as stressed out anymore. Maybe being stressed out had kept me from getting focused on the wrong things. I don’t know.

So, here I am, a knot freshly jerked in my tail, appreciating the things I have, accepting that life is never going to be the way I want it or the way it ‘should’ be. I get to devote my life to work that I love. And I get to work on fun side projects. And all the while, I am not homeless or starving. The fact that my life looks nothing like what I’d always imagined someone my age’s life ‘should’ look like is irrelevant and unhelpful.

I don’t need to be outrageously successful to be happy. How dare I demand that as the price of my contentment? I have goals I would like to reach, but if I am never more successful than I am now, well … fine, I guess. As long as I get to do what I love to do.

I’m not saying Radical Acceptance is the cure for every life problem, but it can be a helpful first step if you find yourself getting stuck on the unfairness of it all. When something bad happens, you can parry with, “Well, that sucked. Now what?” and move on sooner rather than later. And that can give you the strength to work on the things that you can affect,             

[therandomavenger]

Gotta love the people who email my author email telling me they love my books and really want to work with me and then in the VERY NEXT SENTENCE ask, 'what kind of books do you write?' and sometimes even 'do you have anything published?' like, which is it babe? You love my work or you don't know anything about it? You probably need an editor to read your scam emails so you don't make basic mistakes like this. Do me the courtesy of at least being consistent with your grift.