thesethoughtsinmyhead-blog1 - Tumblr blog

[thesethoughtsinmyhead-blog1]

7.6.16

Less than a month until I move out with the love of my life. I can’t even begin to describe how excited yet nervous I am! I do think that it’s going to work out though, like I don’t really have any doubts about it. I’m just super stoked to wake up next to him every morning and go to sleep with him at night. 

HURRY UP AUGUST.

[thesethoughtsinmyhead-blog1]

6.13.16

Planning on moving out is the absolute worst... I have so much I need to buy for August 1st that I am losing my mind!!! Hopefully my love pulls his weight and helps me buy some of the crap we need...

I’m really excited though as this will be our first apartment together! :) I can’t wait to go to sleep with him every night...

[thesethoughtsinmyhead-blog1]

6.6.16

Job hunting. Ugh. I’ve been trying to find a second job for about a month and a half now with no luck at all. I had one interview but I had turned it down as the workplace was basically a disaster. I desperately need a job because working two 5hr shifts a week at $12/hr isn’t cutting it when my boyfriend and I have an apartment viewing tomorrow.

I NEED MONEY.

[thesethoughtsinmyhead-blog1]

6.1.16

Well it’s a new month. I think my goals this month should be as follows:

1) get a second job because this two 5hr shifts a week thing is not working out for me, especially with the boy and I talking about moving out.

2) I desperately need a new vehicle. My car has passed 347,000km on it. It’s just a lil 2000 Saturn too. I fell in love with this jeep but my dad’s boss is a piece and can’t commit to anything.

3) love myself. I find that I struggle a lot to really accept who I am but I’m working on it. It helps that Nico is caring and amazing. He compliments me all the time and whether he does it for shits and giggles or not, it still makes my day. 

Here’s hoping that this month goes well. My classmates from third year graduate in a few days so that’s cool. My one friend is graduating with a second diploma in Bioscience too. I still have one more year, even though I was supposed to graduate this year with all my fellow CYC’s, but life happened. OH WELL.

[thesethoughtsinmyhead-blog1]

5.25.16

I used to have this best friend. Or so I thought that they were. We were friends for like, 9 years. Things were pretty good, most of the time. I was pretty stubborn and believed that we would be friends forever. That didn’t last much longer.

She got married, I was supposed to be one of her maid of honours but once we were at the ceremony that changed. I tried to not let it bug me, it’s what happens when you have two I guess. I was pretty upset. We fought the night before the wedding however because I knew nothing about the following day, Like, when do I need to be at her place to get ready, when should we be at the church, I didn’t even know when the rehearsal was the day before until I got a text. Pretty fucking frustrating. 

A year went by and she visited. She wanted to go to wonderland and I couldn’t afford a ticket nor did I even want to go. I only go on 4 rides anyways because I don’t like roller coasters. She bought my ticket so I was forced to go. I was miserable sitting on the sidelines the majority of the day. She later got mad at me for thinking that I would spend the next few days with my boyfriend at the time because it was his birthday. Well, I was a terrible friend for even thinking that. I ended up visiting him anyways because like, she would ditch me almost instantaneously for her husband. Once I was back, she still had like two weeks left of her visit in our town. Not once did she answer my texts, or even try to get ahold of me so we could hang out. She talked a lot of shit apparently to my ex-boyfriend, Raymond according to my other best friend at the time.

Safe to say I was pretty fed up with her. I removed her completely from my life. I deleted her off everything because I wanted to completely erase all the shit she caused me. She was never there for me, had everything to possibly say about my life, and made me feel so small. 

Once I removed her from my life, I was able to actually able to find myself. I didn’t need her permission to make new friends. I didn’t need her negativity when I was struggling, I didn’t need her. 

So here’s a big ol’ fuck you man. I’m so much happier without you.

(ps. does your husband know you cheated on him yet? Sometimes I wonder why I even keep your secret sealed.)

[thesethoughtsinmyhead-blog1]

5.17.16

I remember the period of my life when I wanted to kill myself. It was a few years back and I sometimes think about it all. How lonely I felt when I really wasn’t lonely at all. How pathetic I felt when I had to go to work with my cuts all up my arm. It amazes me how I survived the pill popping or trying to suffocate myself with my pillow. Every day felt as though I was drowning, like I couldn’t inhale enough air to fill my lungs. I spent a lot of my nights crying and thinking about leaving this life that I was trying to “live” behind. I like to say that my depression arrived in the end of 2010 and was severe right through until 2012. That’s two years of feeling like a piece of shit. I know that a lot of people have been struggling for years, don’t get me wrong but it’s such an awful feeling to go through nonetheless.

Things have started to look up since then though; my mental health hasn’t really bugged me a whole lot. Obviously I still struggle some days but I’ve been really trying to look on the brighter sides of things and resisting the urges that come and go every so often when things get bad. I’ve been in and out of shitty relationships with boys who never loved me. I failed a year of college and had to stay back and graduate the following year (2017) and I work shitty hours and barely afford to do anything. Even with those shitty relationships though, I met someone incredible.

It’s really surprising: to think that at one point in my life I really wanted to die. I really wanted to end it all. That seems so crazy now. Like, I wouldn’t be in this program at school, I wouldn’t have met the friends I have, I wouldn’t have met and fallen in love with the most incredible guy. I could have thrown it all away. I think that the greatest strength was choosing to live... even through all the bullshit that made me feel like I was drowning.

I’m so glad I didn’t.

[thesethoughtsinmyhead-blog1]

5.12.16

I miss a band. I miss you Theatria. This band literally is the reason that I am still here today. I used to be extremely depressed and whenever I needed something to keep me going, I threw in my headphone and listened to them. I bought all their songs, I went to every show, sang my heart out to the point that I lost my voice, and even two and a half years later I’m still listening to them when I need some sort of thing in my life. I’ll never forget the energy this band gave me to carry on. The rush that came with being at a show. Nothing can compare to that feeling, and since they split it’s always felt as though something was missing. When I went to counselling back in 2013, I told my counsellor about you. I played you guys for her and she saw first hand the smile that spread across my face even though I was sobbing.  

So Theatria, or even Todd, Dan, Brandon and Nico. If any of you ever stumble across this post just know that I thank you and even 2 and a half years later... I’m still listening to you ♥. 

Forever your number one fan,

R.

[thesethoughtsinmyhead-blog1]

5.9.16

I love you. I love you so much. I have never loved someone so much and so whole-heartedly as I do you. Whenever I think of you, I just can’t get enough. I love how I can’t help but smile whenever you look at me. I can’t help but laugh when you laugh. I feel so safe and happy whenever you’re around. I’ve never felt so in love before. I feel as though I was made to love you. Like I needed to date those before you in order to learn from my mistakes and meet you.

You’re the first person I’ve ever truly wanted forever with: my name to change, a family, to grow old and happy with you. When I think about it, your face is the first I see, clear as day. I know you’re the one. I can see us in our own house with you out in the yard with our children while I watch from the porch. I see you staring at me when I walk down the aisle. I even see you when the stress gets almost unbearable for whatever reason and I turn to you.

You’re everything I could ever ask for. Please don’t ever, ever go.

[thesethoughtsinmyhead-blog1]

5.1.16

First day of a new month. Kind of stoked about that seeing as I haven’t quite felt myself in a while. I really need to start looking for a second job or even just trying to land more hours at my current. My mental illness took quite the toll on me lately but luckily I feel as though I am coming out of it (at least I hope). I just have to remember that just because my anxiety or depression is arising, I can’t take it out on those around me. That’s definitely something I need to work on.