thevarelse

[thevarelse]

Beginning

What is the cure for sadness?

Why do I feel like

The more I hold on,

The more I lose

Why do I get hurt when I love?

Or, rather, why does someone else's love hurt me?

The word "wrong" related to my sense of self

The word "perfection" given and retrieved shortly after

The push and pull of the image of me

("An image" of me)

I come with open arms, open palms

Empty hands and bare feet

Wounded heart that never heals

Because whenever I'm close to being back

I regress, I become patient zero of the sadness epidemic

I do not wish to diagnose destiny

I leave everything to the universe's will

But maybe, by being so helpless, so defenseless

I become vulnerable to the sharpness

Of the things I'm told

[thevarelse]

Haiku about longing

The bed holds his shape— creases bloom like soft echoes. I sleep where he breathed.

[thevarelse]

Kilometers

Kilometers,

I study your distance

the way a cartographer studies a coastline

that keeps receding.

I have become

fluent in implication,

attuned to the grammar of delay—

the long pause where you used to be.

And still, I hesitate

to name it ghosting.

That word feels too modern,

too casual

for the sacred erosion of what we had.

But I know

what silence means

when it is no longer soft.

So I say nothing.

Not because I have no questions,

but because I am beginning to understand

you are already answering them

with your vanishing.

[thevarelse]

The Palette

Why twist my words, distort their frame, And cast them in a counterfeit flame— Within a vortex, sharp and spinning, Of half-truths, echoes, and false beginnings?

You trespassed where my silence slept, A home of secrets closely kept. You rifled through my unvoiced fears, The guarded thoughts, the unshed tears.

I trace the halls of memory’s art, Where once you held a kinder part. What summons you now, after years gone cold, To rewrite the past with colors bold?

Was I not there—your quiet guide, When grief and weakness would not hide? Did I not sing you through despair, When even you were scarcely there?

Yet now, another voice you send— A second Madonna to condescend. She bears disdain in cruel attire, Each word a match, each breath a fire.

Is that what’s left of me in thought? No tremble? No remorse? No second shot? Just scorn where once affection lay— No shadow of the light we knew that day?

So go—depart, and fare thee well. You've broken more than I dare tell. Not just your mask, but every hue Of unconfessed and bitter truths. The palette within you...

[thevarelse]

A name

Here I lay, wide open

And my heartbeat syncs to the rhythm of

Drums—

Your name still sweet on my lips

[thevarelse]

A Game

We spoke in sparks,

on the edge of something tender,

your words—a gate I dared not pass,

though my heart, it longed to wander.

You drew the lines with careful grace,

said, “This is all it ever can be,”

and though you dressed it up in care,

it still felt like unraveling me.

I answered not in anger’s voice,

but with the quiet ache of parting,

each word a trembling, gentle choice,

each breath the sound of hearts restarting.

You spoke of laughter, fleeting light,

and all the moments small but true,

but I can’t hold a ghost at night,

nor build my joy on half of you.

You said you saw the light in me,

the kindness carved into my name,

but only wanted company—

not love, not risk, not anything that came

with staying.

So I stepped back

though every cell still leaned your way.

Because love,

for me,

is not a game

we play

and walk away.

[thevarelse]

Fire

The two of them, I saw them

Looking at me in the dark

Under the gaze of the Moon, who loomed over a field of sylleblossoms

Your dark eyes studying me

I saw you coming, from afar

Your silhouette highlighted by Her Grace

Artemis' strongest warrior is a Man

And he conquers, conquers, conquers...

I heard your voice before I heard Her, saying

"You cannot hide forever, Princess of Solitude.

For I am made of Fire, and my Light will reach you.

My touch will burn you and brand you as mine"

You came forward with elegant strides, like a feline

Bowing your head with an evident smile on your face

Painted like the ink on your skin

Telling me of your amusement

She cast Her light over your face as you lifted your visage

And I saw them again, this time clearer

The eyes of a Man who would burn a garden

For a Maiden

[thevarelse]

The Wall of Sadness

Unheard, my voice is

Lost in the wind of others' ego

Found its way into debris

That follow suit as I go

There is a wall between the Thou and I

Cold, tall, and unforgiving

It keeps me thinking all day and night

This wall, it doesn't seem to be receding

For I am reading the tone of your voice

Burlesque and patronizing

I can hear it rejoice

As I just see myself antagonizing

As opposed to being seen, or heard

Shunned, shushed, rushed

And in the quiet darkness, I wept

There's nothing truer than sadness

It truly hurts when your voice becomes transparent

And it's no longer apparent

That you're also a human being

[thevarelse]

A woman's solitude

It is surprisingly difficult

To tie a rope around emptiness.

It is even harder to impress the dead;

Phantoms have a twisted sense of humor.

Hauntingly beautiful is the landscape

Of a woman's solitude.

Precious are the tears of the good and pious,

For they turn into pearls.

To embrace what does not exist is to recognize one's madness

And for some, that equals power.

For her, it is only natural to attempt to kiss a shadow

And to give into the void every night.

It is surprisingly difficult

To hear a voice without a speaker,

And to feel a touch without a hand.

Phantoms have a twisted sense of humor,

But not more than hers.

[thevarelse]

Liminal Space

You come hungry, so I feed you

You come sad, so I comfort you

You come lonely, and so, I am with you

You demand from me, and I deliver

But when your belly is full

When you are no longer sorrowful

When other voices fill the room

And your demands are met

You leave;

And I stand there, like an awkward tree

Like a misplaced rock

Like a mistranslated passage

I realize that I am just liminal space

I was never meant to be your home

[thevarelse]

To grow is to let go

[thevarelse]

In My Island

In my island, I am always waiting for you

To come back to me

In my island, time stopped

On the day you left

I walk around after reading your letters

Tending to crops that never grow, never flourish

I am waiting for Thanksgiving, perhaps next year

To harvest and dine with you

[thevarelse]

The Crumbling Pass

Disappointment is an old, dilapidated bridge

Do not attempt to cross it;

There is nothing for you

On the other side.

[thevarelse]

Where did the ocean go?

The words I said to you, ocean

You carried them away with your fierce waters

Your waves shattered against the cliffs of my heart

Like broken pieces of glass

Like broken promises

My sky and ocean,

I waited for you to come to me

Yet, you moved further, and further away

The more I stayed, caressing the delicate sand,

Looking at the dubious horizon,

The more you ran away, escaping my grasp

Until it was too late for me

Until I realized that the shoreline had receded too much

Until I could not escape what was to come

And your fierce tsunami washed me away

Washed our love away, all of our dreams and laughter

All of our perhaps and maybes

Because I was too naïve and green

Because I did not know how to handle your love

Because I hurt you, when I tried to hurt myself

The ocean ran away and never returned

And my beach became a desert

[thevarelse]

Thinking

of course I think about you

every morning, when I wake up

i hear your voice in my dreams,

like sweet and warm honey,

it captures me, in a way you may never understand

but when has it ever been about understanding

what we have or where we stand?

the way you say my name

and call me in the dark

the thought of you breathing raggedly

under the caress of the image of me

that is nestled within you

drives me to the cliff of longing

i hear you patting my head with your timbre

nestling yourself in between my lungs

breathing my air

for i yearn for the touch of your thoughts

over my beautiful name

[thevarelse]

The Beacon Through The Smoke

He yearns for her

Thirsty, hungry, tired

She appears in front of him like an oasis in the desert

Of his solitude

But, alas, is she merely a mirage?

Is she just an apparition born from his inherent desires?

He searches for her, shouts her name into the void

Because he loves her

And she is a beacon of light to him

A pure torch that shall never be extinguished

But he harbors a specific kind of hunger

And wants to keep her fire all to himself

He wants her, and he will make her his

The wanderer wanders,

Through time and space alike

In search for what shall be his

His maiden, his goddess, his woman

She is his, his, his

His to hold, she is his to protect

His to love, she is his to worship

She is his to devour

And when he finally finds her

He will not hesitate

[thevarelse]

I Am Your Home

Because I gave you everything I had

I opened my arms, and they were wings so I that could take you under

I planted my feet and grew roots, so that our love would be grounded

I gave you my voice, so that you never knew silence

I opened my eyes, so that I could always protect you

I gave you my lap, so that you could sleep soundly at night

My lamp was your sun, my candle was your moon

I gave you all my tears, so that you would never need to cry

So come, come rest on me

Take up all the space in the room that I've built you

Lay upon the longitude of my body

Sleep comfortably under my wings

Sing proudly with my voice

Our love will never be shaken by storm, tide or earthquake

Your days will never be gray, your nights will always be tranquil

You will never need to cry

I am here

I will always be

I am your home