thinkinginverse-blog - Tumblr blog

[thinkinginverse-blog]

Happy is a big word I have struggled to define It got complicated when I found myself smiling, but empty and I thought, this must be how sadness feels It was heavier than I wish I have better clothes I wish I had more money and it was a lot like I wish I had more life And I know I've got a lot of blessings I am grateful for all of them and you you you are a bonus, an answer to my prayer.

[thinkinginverse-blog]

You said you don't say goodbye So I shouldn't cry. You convinced me that there are only see-you-laters And as I reflect over what has vacated me I realize that the sunshine and all else Are waiting for me in another place. I am not saying goodbye to them They are just somewhere else It's the same sun that shines over us. Seems different but it's all the same Like love - love is love At the end of it all Love is love

[thinkinginverse-blog]

cannot be found

Some cravings I easily satisfy: something sour or sweet, wine and cheese or freshly-baked bread, a shot of espresso. I will walk to a nearby store and get what I want. There is a way around it even if it's not exactly the thing I wish to have, I'll settle for what resembles it as long as my taste buds are crave-free. The itch to run I can do something about. The high for it, I know where to climb, how to reach. There are frames that try to hold you together but you are bigger than the 10x10 hanging on the wall. The traces are merely traces the sentences, a lifelong sentence, like all the other not-quite-you representations, only reminding me of an attempt to capture your true essence, your fluorescence. I awoke disoriented from a dream where you appeared. I looked everywhere but you cannot be found. No corner store nor avenue nor street nor road nor jar nor box contains you. Only the past. Only it's passed. Only too fast.

[thinkinginverse-blog]

[thinkinginverse-blog]

life or death

You have given me transcendental experiences, lifted me up from the earth. Someone is now waking me up from the dream, out of an alternate Milky Way's dark unknown abyss back into society. I was floating; the current will now stop carrying me but I must stay afloat. I may have to be the current, or a different electricity will have to flow through me. Will it be as fiery? Probably not. Must I choose to live without the fire? or shall I die ablazing?

[thinkinginverse-blog]

conflict of interest

for every no I tell you I tell myself yes--

no, I don't want to come over; no, I don't want you to come over.

NO

I'm sleeping and I'm not sorry I didn't hear my phone beep.

These no's I know are better imagined. For when I see you or hear your voice, forget it! Those irresistible eyes, oh yes, yes.

[thinkinginverse-blog]

black hole

The news come pouring in during mornings and all I can think to do is run to you and converse. A black hole eats stars but January 6: “black hole burps gas” Astronomers believe that it may possibly create, not only destroy.

I remember how we sat side by side, our eyes were closed and our sun-kissed souls were travelling to the blue skies along the cool water swimming underwater until our breaths can no longer be held close to each other. We’re not there yet time is already passing under the stars, we’re dreaming.

I wonder sometimes about you. You fit the profile of a destroyer. What if you suck all my light out and I end up as a dead star -- unnamed, no chance with a constellation? I do wonder about that possibility; Do you have that ability?

Then you smile

I forget your colour and all else, only clearly remembering the star I discovered one night. You are beaming of wisdom and life and you are not light years away. No telescope required, naked eye to eye, skin to skin, mind to mind. I see you looking at me admirably. You get me thinking, writing, going, going, going on, and that is the answer to the hovering wonderings:

Yes, you destroy my ideals and expectations but catalyze a beautiful destruction born into verses. Your gravity continues to pull me “Closer,” you whisper I take the leap of faith and fall freely into your galaxy.

[thinkinginverse-blog]

goodbye girl

"How she loved fiercely Man' Jack, Tita, Deng, Mommy Ever she'll be missed. Few words but one look Subtle, all it ever took Was a smile, or a gentle touch After that, none of us need much. You’re a book; one needs no eye to read Better for our hearts to feel Who you were, how you lived. You modeled it: better to give than to receive."

[thinkinginverse-blog]

When you say “I feel blessed,” it is not to echo pride, but the opposite: stay humbled. By what? A momentary glimpse into divinity through the most human of interactions - an eye contact, a stranger’s smile, a single second connection... Feel blessed because God manifests His love and kindness to you through the universe.

[thinkinginverse-blog]

What is 2015?

2015 is GROWTH. Everyday was a constant search of definition and an experience of redefinition, an endless encounter with meaning. 2015 is LIGHT. Every person met, every heartbreak felt, every lesson learned brought an enlightenment and clarity like I have never ever had.

2015 is HOME. Every place I have been, although fixed points, has become relative. The time, the month, the year was what made it meaningful. I was where I was supposed to be AT THAT VERY MOMENT, and it had to be that way - so necessary for me to realize that home is beyond how I have always perceived it. Especially as we (my siblings and I) celebrate finally owning our own place, an absence is felt at home. It isn’t necessarily a lonely absence, but merely an undeniable one. ‘Home’ as a concept has always been puzzling to me since last year when Mom fell ill and it has constantly kept me wondering. When she died, I had to leave and “go home.” My 88-day trip to the Philippines was a collage of moments of enlightenment. It was barely fun and adventurous; it was truthfully pained and realistic. It was not dreamy or fantastical. I denied that for a little while, but I have now come to accept that it was that way because it was meant for awakening, which I ignored at the time. Now I see… That episode was necessary for me to realize that home is not a person, or a place… Home is God, and God lives in me as love. God is love. God is home. Home is love. 

2015 is, therefore, LOVE. I witnessed myself open up even when I am afraid or uncertain. I learned that to give love, one must find love and to find love, one must commit to a certain degree of vulnerability. I found love where I never expected I will, and in every person I surrounded myself with. 

On that note, I proclaim: 2015 is GRATITUDE. I have never been as grateful as I am now for all that this year has been. How can I ever be resentful when the Lord continues to remind me, every single day, that to live is God’s greatest blessing and that to love is the best response towards that life? It is ironic that due to the losses of the past, this year and all gone, one grows aware of the gains, and only until you have experienced the loss yourself could you TRULY understand the wisdom embedded within that “cliche.” ‘You don’t know what you got ‘till it’s gone.’

With a grateful heart, I welcome 2016! I come, with overflowing inspiration, a newfound relationship with my own self, a driven mind, body and spirit to accomplish the goals I have for the future, humbled before the Lord. “Thy will be done.” My prayer isn’t one of wishes for abundance in worldly matters, but one of thanks. I thank our ever-loving and good God for YOU who is a part of the beautiful whirlwind that is 2015. 

2016 is HOPE. As each day begins, the Sun rises… Remember that life is so beautiful and there is always something bright to pay attention to. Here is another empowering opportunity for you to begin again. Seize it and believe in your beauty, goodness and loving nature. Do not resist it anymore. Change. Grow. Inspire. Light yourself up. Glow. Beam. 

2016 is YOU.

[thinkinginverse-blog]

You are the mist on a wintry night I find my face turned towards the heavens Eyes closed, mind open Warm heart melting the world’s iciness 

[thinkinginverse-blog]

peaces

We're wounded in some places And healed in other spaces Pick up your broken pieces You're whole; define your peaces.

[thinkinginverse-blog]

You continue to come through. How am I supposed to unlike you?

[thinkinginverse-blog]

the imperfection of now is human but between you and i void of circumstances and prejudices only our straight, unending glances, in sync dances, heavenly trances the perfection of now is divine

[thinkinginverse-blog]

I can feel myself form an attachment Not asking for an immediate commitment I know it's my predicament If I should find contentment from our seemingly little moments I am leaving it as it has been assigned. To God, I have resigned I can merely design words together to express how this is malignantly benign

[thinkinginverse-blog]

i can stare at you staring right back at me i imagine you saying so much with nothing but that look (i miss you) the kitchen is yours we've opened it tidying up endlessly admiring its concept (i miss you) it's spacious once you walk in it's clean now the floors and counters are clutter-free (i miss you) we've shopped for a lamp and picked out a gray rug to match the gray couch which goes perfectly with our gray countertop they pop out so well against the dark wood floors (i miss you) i made one of our first home-cooked meals on tuesday: mushroom soup and ribs come wednesday, I gave your pork chop recipe a try and they loved it aren't you proud? (i miss you) last year, you insisted "uwi na tayo" ma, uwi na tayo halika na, handa na ang bahay the curtains are up (i miss you) i think it needs steaming (i miss you) the tub has been scrubbed (i miss you) we still need a rack (i miss you) the beds have been built (i miss you) it's time to put the new sheets (i miss you) it's good but better if you were here it's clean but cleaner if you were here it's here but you are not here (i miss you) it's furnished with your spirit it's painted with your love it's blessed in your memory it's occupied on your behalf today, last year, in a few hours you will go home forever yet remain in me forever we're home, ma i miss you i just miss you.

[thinkinginverse-blog]

Between you and I swimming alongside all my doubts and fears is the sincerity of that moment.

It’s the only certain thing I can pin to the wall: I didn’t mean to meet you then, I didn’t mean to like you now.