this-hazbin-quoted

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Vox: You see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way… I know your friends better than you ever did!

*Charlie, tears streaming down her face*

Vox, grinning widely: Would you like to know which of them were cowards?

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Angel Dust: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and take their stuff?

Vaggie: Um, murder? Robbery??

Niffty: Adventuring!

Alastor: Tuesday.

[this-hazbin-quoted]

*Alastor, Laying face down on the bar*

Husk: So Angel said he liked you?

Alastor, muffled: Yeah...

Niffty: ... And you asked him to marry you?

Alastor: Yeah...

Charlie: ... And?! How’d he react?!

Alastor: Don't know, I ran before I could scare him even more.

*Meanwhile*

Angel, kicking in the door to the Cherri’s room with 12 bottles of champagne: Cherri! Babe! Holy shit! I'm gonna get married!

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Vaggie: You better have a good reason for doing that!

Alastor: I have several!

Alastor: Pettiness

Alastor: And anger

Vaggie: That’s it?

Alastor: Oh also I have a deep seated need for attention.

[this-hazbin-quoted]

[The Harbin's cooking skills]

Alastor and Angel Dust: [master chef]

Lucifer: [knows a few recipes]

Vaggie: [can follow instructions on a box]

Husk: [made toast once]

Charlie and Niffty: [banned from the kitchen]

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Carmila, over the phone: Just send your replacement over quick...

Vox: Oh don't worry, that Bitch Tornado is headed your way.

Valentino, passing by: What did you just say?!

Vox: Gotta go! (Hangs up)

Vox: I didn't say anything.

Valentino: Well, it sounds like you said something...

Vox: No! ...You bitch tornado.

Valentino: Try not to asphyxiate yourself in a closet this weekend!

Vox: It was one time and I only came close.

Valentino: Oh you came, alright.

Vox: God, I love you.

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Sir Pentious: My gender is wanting to look as eccentric as possible.

Cherri Bomb: Mad Scientist Dysphoria?

[this-hazbin-quoted]

*Alastor trying to buy a Father's Day card at Hallmark*

Alastor: Excuse me, do you have any that just say "You are my dad?"

Associate: Well, I-

Alastor: How about "You impregnated my mother?"

Associate: No...

Alastor: You know what, I'll just get a blank one.

Alastor, writing: You are a father. This is a day. Here is a card.

[this-hazbin-quoted]

My kink is doing stupid shit and watching Alastor speedrun the five stages of grief as he realises he still wants to fuck me.

– Angel Dust

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Velvette: So, uh, Verosika...

Verosika: Yes?

Velvette: I was wondering if you'd... maybe...

Vox: This is so gay.

Valentino: What did you expect? They're baby gays, give 'em like... five minutes.

Angel Dust: Lock 'em in a closet.

Vox: Now theres an idea!

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Alastor: All of you, explain. Now.

Husk: It was Angel.

Niffty: It was Angel.

Vaggie: It was Angel.

Charlie: It was Angel.

Angel: It was Angel.

Angel: Damn.

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Velvette: If a beautiful woman disagrees with me I will immediately change my views. I have no principles.

Verosika: Well maybe you should have principles.

Velvette: You're right maybe I should!

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Vox: I think we should kiss.

Alastor: And I think you should die but we don’t always get what we want.

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Charlie: Are you going to be part of the problem, or the solu-

Alastor: The problem. Definitely the problem.

Charlie: It was a rhetorical que-

Alastor: I have some ideas on how to make the problem funnier.

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Alastor: I knew you were going to be stressed so I brought back some whiskey.

Husk taking the whiskey: God I love you.

Alastor smiling: I love you too Husker.

Husk: ...

Alastor: You were talking to the whiskey, weren’t you?

Husk: I can love two things.

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Rosie visiting Alastor and Lucifer after Rowen was born: Congratulations, Alastor

Lucifer: Congratulations... ALASTOR?? He is not the one who carried that creature for NINE MONTHS and SUFFERED the whole process of expelling it out from his body!

Rosie:...Well… Congratulations Sire-

Lucifer, flustered: Aw, No need for that, it was nothing!

[this-hazbin-quoted]

Vaggie: I have a bad feeling about this.

Niffty: What do you mean?

Vaggie: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if something is going to get you in trouble?

Niffty: No?

Vaggie: That actually explains so much.