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[thisispiperspeaking]

From Margaret Stearns' chapbook, Sap Semantics, available from Bottlecap Press!

[thisispiperspeaking]

Wild horses

They run around me, stamping in a circle

They run faster and faster and I dance to the beat of their hooves

Waving my arms around

I stamp my feet too

Their black mane blends into the dust and the purple sky falls on us

Take me away, I’ll forget my name and together we’ll become wild animals

[thisispiperspeaking]

I had a dream about you and I just listened to you laugh for hours

There was nothing else I could do but kiss you

You smiled and so I did too

You are lovely, divine, stunning

I’m so lucky they make people like you

Beauty wraps around you from head to toe, mind to soul

Please stay a while

I want to lie down in the glow of your presence

Tell me about your childhood or your favourite movie

And I’ll never wake up again, I’ll build you a house and we’ll live together in my dreams

[thisispiperspeaking]

I tripped over my skirt and skinned my knee

The pain reminded me of you

[thisispiperspeaking]

My breath circles my head. The silence of my mind soothes me.

I pluck at the strains of thought that pass by my eyes. I trace my fingers over each of their outline and let them lead me where they please.

You can find the most beautiful spaces when you’re not in a rush.

I’ll sit here for a while and enjoy gentle sound of solitude.

Peace falls on my head, runs over my shoulders and trails down my spine.

The sweet presence of oneself, here I am alone but not lonely.

[thisispiperspeaking]

It’s an end and beginning

My all consuming life packed neatly into a small trailer

It takes up less space than I thought

My heart longs for those I leave but yearns for who I’m yet to meet

Memories float around my head

They orbit my mind as I reflect on my life looking at the trees blurring by in the car window.

It’s an bittersweet feeling leaving the old for new. A sad but gorgeous excitement.

Im still being carved out - what shape will be discovered next?

We’re about to find out

[thisispiperspeaking]

I’m mourning the past

An old version of me

An old version of you

My mind wonders to you when unsupervised

Why are you visiting me in my sleep?

Why do you remain at my side

Please untangle my heart

From yours

From the pain

From what no longer remains

I’m mourning a place I can no longer return to. But I always turn down that road out of habit.

I’m mourning pair of jeans I no longer fit. But I keep them in the back of my wardrobe just in case.

I keep you in the back of my mind because I can’t seem to let you go.

My love we might’ve died in the fire but my bones still lay with yours

[thisispiperspeaking]

My mind is so vast and undiscovered I get worried where I might fall.

What if I fall too far and I can’t get out?

What if I discover such rot and decay it pollutes the rest of me?

I wish I could bleach my mind.

[thisispiperspeaking]

I absolutely love my life.

My awkward beautiful messy life.

I love all the broken pieces that have come together to create the cup I now drink from.

The heartbreak is worth it.

A year ago today I was alone writing my goodbyes, now I’m smiling at my kitchen bench still alone but content.

Learn to love spending time with yourself. I used to always be upset if someone didn’t respond well to something about me. I’d torture myself because I thought this equaled that I was ‘unliked’, ‘lonely’. Whereas I’ve now realised the reason this cut me so deep was that I actually didn’t like myself first. How could I ever be content in any friendship or life struggle when I couldn’t even accept the constant variable - me. I couldn’t stand being alone cause I would just spend that time telling myself everything that was wrong with me and looking for anything that would distract me from myself. You wouldn’t want to spend time with a friend who only had bad things to say about you, some one who is in-genuine trying to be someone their not, looking for anything to get out of your presence. This relationship I had with myself created a deep loneliness. That deep loneliness created a deep dissatisfaction with my life which led ultimately led to depression. That followed me for years.

But what if I loved myself. Unconditionally, loved who I was and even accepted all the parts other people didn’t accept. That is where my wings grew and I found freedom. Now I love to spend time with myself and when I look into the mirror I see my friend looking back at me. When I write in my journal I’m writing letters to a friend. I still have insecurities, I’m far from perfect and I always will be. But all of those imperfections make up who I am, I’m not afraid of the worst parts of me anymore. I’m caring for them and giving the ugliness a safe place to breathe and heal. So when I go for walks I don’t listen to music, I listen to my mind. When I look in the mirror I say what I love about myself. I explore the hurts and joys that led me to where I am. I speak honestly to myself, I’m not ready for love again.

There is so much beauty everywhere and I just can’t let my own pain blind me from that any longer.

[thisispiperspeaking]

Inspired by the song “King Street” - Elena Drake

[thisispiperspeaking]

The days get shorter, the world seems colder and my chest gets heavier.

Lift your head, you can get through this.

[thisispiperspeaking]

we can trust God with every aspect of our life. He wants what's best for us. He knows what's best for us. it requires trust on our end to believe this is true. choose to be faithful over fearful.

[thisispiperspeaking]

Suffering is the absence of joy, however for there to be an absence of anything, something must have filled that space before. You cannot mourn something you never experienced.

I am grateful in my struggle as it reminds me of the joy in my life. I appreciate those moments that once were more when I am suffering rather when I am experiencing them. It creates a genuine gratitude rather than taking something for granted.

Heartbreak, health issues and death. I am grateful for the moments I was so in love my heart felt it could burst. For the fun dates late in the park, the tears of laughter over nothing. The breakup stings but it reminds me of these moments. I am grateful to have loved rather than to have not loved at all. I am grateful for when I had perfect health and I could live with ease and comfort. Although my skin burns with eczema I am grateful for the moments of unaware bliss to my good health. I am grateful for the beautiful people in my life who have passed. Their absence leaves it’s mark in my life, I refuse to smooth out the dent. But I look at these pieces and rather see imperfection of lack, I see the shape of what was. Their unique space that was close to me has moulded me to be who I am. And I will carry those signatures of love wherever I go.

Thank you God for your provision in my life and for the ability to grow in the presence of pain. The journey from the valley might be hard but the view is breathtaking - beautiful and humbling.

[thisispiperspeaking]

I realise that I do not need to internalise the hurt you felt.

I realise that opinions of others who only saw the blades of grass on the landscape do not matter.

I realise only the Lord can save. Struggle is beautiful because it is in the absence of a joy once felt deeply. Be grateful for that joy and do not cling to the pain. Cling to the Lord, your rock. He is ready to stabilise you. He is ready to heal you.

Accept him, he is waiting lovingly, arms wide, mercies renewed.

[thisispiperspeaking]

Letting go of you has got to be the most freeing experience of my life.

[thisispiperspeaking]

Why does healing hurt?

Loneliness creeps into the peaceful moments.

Watch and let it pass.

Life rises and falls.

Let me drift away.

I give you away. You can’t hurt me, I give you away.

Lord fill the void. Show me where I need to grow. The refiners fire, bring new wine out of me. Bring content, bring peace, bring love.

Help me, help my mind. Let me heal.

Let me help you. Help me listen, silence my voice so I can hear yours.

Lord I’m sorry for my ignorance, reveal my path.

[thisispiperspeaking]

From Shy Watson’s chapbook, Away Status, available at https://bottlecap.press/products/away-status-by-shy-watson