thornexpedition

[thornexpedition]

a stunted, moment in time, when there was before the tragedy and after. forever stuck in the precise instance, and forever 18. i am growing up at the same speed i am regressing to a small child in need of her mum. my body eating me alive and my brain shrivelling up.

[thornexpedition]

she comes to me in dreams and i wake up, feeling like she is still here. i must then come to the devastating realisation that she is gone forever. the guilt creeps in that sometimes i forget, but its an impossible thing to fathom, truly and completely. she remains my guiding light, forever and always.

[thornexpedition]

as a child who felt like no one ever cared enough, you hoped, in some morbid kind of way, that something bad will happen so people finally care. then when something bad and tragic happens, you realise that it makes no difference. in my grief and loss of my mum, i realised that nobody ever cared enough or understood enough, or is there enough. may have just been a feeling rather than a reality in some cases, but the human existence is so incredibly rich and complicated, that it’s difficult to relate to sometimes.

it’s a lesson in self-love but also, never settling. if you have the amount of love and compassion that you do, then there will be other people out there who match you. its also a lesson that everybody is wrapped up in their own lives. i know now, that pain doesn’t make people care, but the right people will care when and how they want to. sometimes the least expected people will prove to have a bigger impact on your life than you planned, and you should just let it happen.

[thornexpedition]

one day you will wake up and realise that everything is not as it once was. there’s less pain, less grief, less sorrow. the haze is gone, the light has returned to your eyes, and there is tranquility in your soul. for without the pain, your true happiness cannot be found.