thoughtdghtr

[thoughtdghtr]

being vulnerable, being open - allowing myself to be fully seen not just the parts that is palatable and charming and trust I will be received has been one of the hardest lessons I haven’t mastered yet. And in typing “and trust I will be received” has made me realise maybe it’s an underlying control thing. I want to be open and vulnerable but only if I am perceived the way I want to be seen. In the image I have of myself but that’s not really possible. I guess I should be striving to be vulnerable and open without the confirmation that I have been seen or do they come hand in hand? Can someone be vulnerable without if knowing their vulnerability will be acknowledged? Isn’t that courage? What is this incessant need to be acknowledged and recognized! Cry me a river

[thoughtdghtr]

being an adult is just knowing when to use either tea tree oil, prayer, drugs or a hot meal and sleep.

[thoughtdghtr]

something about the still early hours of the mourning makes you reminisce on every idea, conversation and person lost. Gone from life or from memory; gone from your reality; limboed in the lost hours of the mourning and somewhere else. Perhaps I should go to sleep.

[thoughtdghtr]

nothing gets me in an existstenial state like in between sets on the leg press

[thoughtdghtr]

I don’t have the capacity

[thoughtdghtr]

currently reading Ovids Metamorphosis, I love it especially with ChatGPT helping to breakdown the language. I read a line:

“Suffice the bowels of the world we’re forced

And wealth deep hidden next the gates of hell

Dug out the spur of wickedness and sin

Iron now was in men’s hands to bring them bane

And gold a greater bane and war marched forth”

For the life of me I just couldn’t understand the words strung together it read like gibberish but it felt important and sad so I asked ChatGPT to explain it and it rewrote the passage in a form I could understand:

“It was enough that people had started mining into the bowels of the earth, digging up deep-buried wealth near the gates of hell. They unearthed iron, which brought destruction, and gold, which brought even greater ruin.”

Suddenly I could understand the original passage and its deeper meanings such as how Ovid presents wealth as destructive, perhaps something we weren’t meant to abuse and also how humans had little respect for the environment; linking humanity’s downfall to when we began violating the earth for iron and gold. Iron for weapons and technology leading to violence, Gold for luxury leading to greed and more violence. Still relevant to our modern day. One of many interpretations I’m sure but this is my favourite

Gadddddamn I can feel the IQ growing and I haven’t had such vivid imagery reading a book in a long time I missed this feeling

[thoughtdghtr]

Do I enjoy being on the outside looking in?

For all my efforts and hopes to join this group and that team, be apart of this cause or empathise with this person, have this type of friendship group or date this kind of guy

Once im in I feel farther away

I’m not even sad about it, just an observation.

03.25.25

[thoughtdghtr]

The fact of the matter is we need all this emotional pain and suffering, trials and tribulations, heartbreak and grief to feel whole and to feel complete. The highest highs to the lowest lows we need the range of experience. it is what makes us human. We are constantly living a series of temporary experiences. Now, influencing said experiences and redirecting the frequency and type of frequency is a whole other ballpark. We on average have around 5,000 weeks of life. On a larger scale our whole human history and experience is told to be a mere blip in the billions of years before us and so perhaps the billions of years to come. Our existence is fleeting so what do we can we do it - individually and as a whole. Do we live to service our selves and those we deem deserving or do we share the gift and burden of the experience as a community? Can we attempt both or none at all. Advancement of the human body or harmony with the nature of earth from which we share a symbiotic relationship. What do we do how should I live!?

04.08.25

[thoughtdghtr]

New emotions to conquer/develop/ascend in 2025

Bravery

Vulnerability

Courage ( same as bravery? Idk)

Fear

Anger

04.11.25

[thoughtdghtr]

gonna post my notes I.e my thoughts here. After discovering Mitski, more specifically The Land Is Hospitable And So Are We I realised I’m not some deep extremely intuitive special empathetic person that nobody seems to get (I am), I’m just human. I’m just a woman. I am nuanced and I am contradictory and I am a lot of things and hearing myself in Mitski has been eye opening to feel and see that vulnerability from someone else and to find out other woman feel the same yearning, sadness, insomnia etc EVERYTHING (shocking(!)). This journey of vulnerability and allowing myself to just be me has been in the making for soo so long and I’m finally seeing the effects in my thoughts, in my life, my reality and I likey. Honourary mention to Sam Phillips A Boot and a Shoe album. I discovered that wonderful woman a month or two before Mitski when I watched the last episode of Gilmore girls and ugly cried at Lorelai and Luke’s wedding whilst reflecting lights played. This is what actually initiated this journey of exploring my womanhood. decentering the idea of being misunderstood I want to be understood and I can be I’m not speaking gibberish!?. Perhaps I wanted to be percieved that way, perhaps I limited my own access to myself idk but let’s not dwell in the past. My voice matters I deserve to be understood by myself at least,

toodles x

05.14.25

[thoughtdghtr]

I’ve given up expressing myself, I’ve given up being heard and it’s not right. i feel so disconnected with my mind and my voice its affecting my body language, my communication with everyone and a light annoyance for everybody (including me). My initial ideas of overcoming this is: one. Start reading books again- out loud, ive heard this helps and it did for me plus added bonus of reading. two. Deal with why I don’t feel heard or understood in my life three.stay stuck on step two cause how the fuck do I do it

Im listeing to the rain outside and smoking a z its pretty strong. I’ve realised smoking in the dark with the rain sounds and my thoughts has been a very zen yet introspective experience if I do end up smoking more in the future (i should quit) it will be in this mode

04.23.25

[thoughtdghtr]

learnt a lot over 2020 and remembered about this account ! we’re in a Panasonic! General Life sucks ! But I’m doing good and trying to establish some sort of income so I can get an apartment. That is the big goal this year and working on career shit. Aside from the obvious social conformities I’m also working on my spirituality and learning more about my ever growing existentialism .-.

Today the last of my books I ordered came. I’ve reverted back to young teenage me, on the train home reading the latest John green book (LOL ). I wanted to relive that nostalgia so I bought Will Grayson, Will Grayson, Paper Towns and Abundance of Katherines. It is a great deal easier to read than Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea which I’ve been reading during this lockdown. I’ve started with Will, Grayson ² and I remember now how much I laughed at these books, tiny is currently my favourite character rn! I’m glad I’ve gotten back into reading (and learnt how to play scrabble and chess) I’ve been feeling like I’m wasting away since corona hit and we’ve had to be indoors. I can only hope the pandemic can be solved because yeah all this intellectual stuff is extremely fun but I need my balance of benders every so often!

My favourite song of the weeeeeek!:

[thoughtdghtr]

It’s 6:42am, I’ve been chilling since 3am and I shall now proceed to smoke a FAT ONE and then try add to my essay.

342 of 1000 words

3 days left

Can she do it?

Find out next week on TOTAL..DRAMA...ISLAND!

[thoughtdghtr]

I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a real friend?

01.07.20

[thoughtdghtr]

“Stop expecting to find happiness in other people.”

— Anonymous (via neckkiss)

[thoughtdghtr]

New beginnings: Short Version

I really wrote a whole ass paragraph and it fokin deleted.

Edit: I found that shit after I posted this💀

Long story short, we’re not being sad dumb bitches this year !

2020 is the year of living and working towards goals. GOALS GOALS goals people.

You wanna wake up 10 minutes earlier? You wanna move out? Do itttt

Start the blog, start the YouTube channel, attend more lectures..

We’re growing seeds with the time we have now until dumb bitch Trump and the rest of the 1% fuck us up🤝

[thoughtdghtr]

new beginnings

I just found one of my old tumblr accounts from 2015 and it was very dark and depressing and we don’t fucks with feeling that way in 2020 so here’s to new beginnings 🥂

Although the start of the year has been pretty similar to last years antics I am still smoking- in fact I’m currently high whilst writing this but this year we’re smoking with good vibes and intentions. Growth.

Uni starts in less than 24 hours and I’m mentally preparing myself to attend almost every lectures, this semester ion wanna turn up with 20 minutes left and I actually wanna understand what the fuck is going on, also hopefully as I read back on this i would have finally moved tf out!

gn x