thoughts-of-a-nerdy

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

Fandom Icks - Gatekeeping

This is gonna be a series where I talk about some odd things I've seen in fandom culture and talk about them. Today's topic: Gatekeeping

What is Gatekeeping exactly?

Gatekeeping is defined as "The activity of controlling, and usually limiting, general access to something". I personally prefer the definition that Urban Dictionary uses: "When someone takes it upon themselves to decide who does or does not have access or rights to a community or identity". Now that's not limited to fandom; I've seen people gatekeep the sexualities and races of others online before. That was so confusing to see; a person can't tell someone else what their sexuality or race are!

In fandoms specifically, these are the people who I view as digital Smegals. The Ring in this case can be a character or lore in a media's fandom, fanart, headcanons, alternate universes...the list goes on. They become police in the fandom spaces; saying who can & cannot enjoy whatever they deem as "the ring".

Why do they behave in this manner?

Well there's multiple reasons why Gatekeeping happens in fandoms:

Some people have deep connections with the media, causing them to feel like they own it. That connection can lead to them feeling that they're superior to other fans & judging other fans based on their knowledge. For example: If a person is a big fan of a certain character and they see that character perceived differently by another fan, they will feel the need to attack or scold that person for their interpretation; regardless of the reason.

There's some psychological factors to this behavior too: Gatekeeping can lead to a superiority complex; thinking you're better than others. But some can use it to maintain their status in a fandom space; stemming from insecurities on deeper levels. Jealousy is another huge factor; if the gatekeeper doesn't feel as though they can replicate another fan's enjoyment of the same media, jealousy will fester.

There's some that do it to protect the integrity of the media, character, lore, etc. While that sounds ok, sometimes it does go overboard. I've seen instances where newcomers to a fandom space were scolded for not understanding the media when they were new; causing the newcomers to stay away from the media altogether. That's sad.

And of course, toxic fandom dynamics always come into play. Newcomers becoming unwelcomed, creativity being stifled/controlled, engagement being limited. I've watched as fans of media were publicly torn down due to established gatekeepers.

What's the point? To maintain the "Social Hierarchy" of a fandom & control a narrative. Sounds a lot like a narcissist. Gatekeeping is considered a form of bullying and while it's not directly linked to narcissism, there's several connections between the two.

In my opinion, it's an extremely selfish and childish way to act. Especially if the media you're a fan of isn't something you personally own! I don't think people are aware of just how silly they look trying to police others in a fandom about who can/can't enjoy a character, the lore, the media itself. But the key here is to never take it personal; it's not about you, but more a reflection of the enforcer themselves.

Ok so what can be done about gatekeeping?

How do we go about combatting this? Here's some solutions:

Prioritize your own enjoyment of the media you're a fan of & don't engage with gatekeepers or anything negative you see. Find your own ways to enjoy a fandom

Each fandom has positive pockets of people; always seek those out

If a gatekeeper makes you uncomfortable, block all communications with them. Never feel that you have to justify your opinions/views to anyone. If it's persistent harassment, try reporting; depending on the platform you're using.

Fandoms are supposed to be safe spaces for people to gather and discuss the media they enjoy. Don't let anybody take away your enjoyment of a piece of media

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

A Monster

There’s a strange kind of silence that follows being called something you’re not—something ugly. Something inhuman.

I've been on the receiving end of that silence more times than I care to admit.

People have done a lot to me. Called me some awful things. Twisted my words. Built entire versions of me that don’t exist outside their narratives. I’ve had a lot of labels slapped onto me. There was one word that stuck with me though: monster. 

Not directly stated, but through implication. Through whispers. Through the way people clutch their version of the truth tighter than they’ve ever held a conversation with me. Through the way I was treated & easily discarded. I saw myself as this a lot of times in the past; not understanding why anybody would treat me this way. Or what I even did so wrong.

It’s strange how easy it is for people to reduce you to a villain in their story when it helps them feel righteous. Easier to paint someone as “dangerous” than to admit they’re hurting, or confused, or misunderstood. Easier to point fingers than to ask questions or show empathy.

The truth is: I’m not a monster. I’m not some lurking evil force hiding behind every post or reply. I’m a person. With feelings. With context. With a story most never bothered to hear. With trauma and mental health problems.

Problematic. Ungrateful. Trauma Dumper. A danger to children. Narcissist. Stalker. Cheater. All this & more became how others saw me. My suicidal thoughts labeled as “begging for attention”. My tears were labeled “fake”. My boundaries were labeled as “being an asshole”. The list goes on.

Despite a lifetime of hardship & mistreatment, I always remained kind. I listen to others, I’ve offered to help, I’ve tried to make others feel seen & included in spaces I was in. I include & accept everybody; no matter the walk of life they’ve had. I’ve donated to charities, payed it forward at the drive thru, and helped the elderly. I’ve always been a good person. But I remember a Tiktok account I follow who said something along the lines of “You could be mother Theresa and people would still hate you, talk bad about you, label you, etc”. Yeah, it makes sense.

What hurts the most isn’t just the labels—though those sting—it’s the refusal to see beyond them.

To be denied the space to explain.

To be punished for existing outside of someone else’s expectations.

To be dismissed by society in favor of someone else’s caricature.

I've watched people treat me like I’m beyond redemption, like I deserve whatever harm is thrown my way. Online, I’ve received death threats, hate campaigns & been doxxed among other things. Offline, I received more abuse than anyone could fathom. Yet, I’m still treated as less than a person by the majority. Judgemental eyes are everywhere; I can feel them.

But I'm not their villain. I never was.

I was nothing more than a punching bag; absorbing the words & actions others saw within their own selves. In the end, it was never about me. 

I'm just trying to live, grow, make mistakes, and learn like anyone else.

It's exhausting having to prove you're human & allowed to take up space to people who’ve already decided you're not human and not allowed to exist. 

And if you're reading this and you relate, even just a little, I want you to know something:

You’re not alone.

You are not what they say you are.

And you don’t owe anyone a watered-down version of yourself to make them comfortable.

What helped me was taking the time to get to know myself & treating myself like a best friend. Turns out, I’m not such a bad girlie after all. I started ripping off the labels one by one; realizing that these aren’t true about who I am. You will be the only person who will ever know yourself the best. Plus, when you know who you are as a person, whatever someone says about you will roll off your shoulders like water. 

Let them talk.

Let them misunderstand.

Let them cast you as the monster in their badly written play.

Let them see you as someone you’re not.

Because at the end of the day, the opinions others have about you are just that: opinions. They’re not factual truth. 

Remember: You’re the author of your own story in life. Never let someone else miscast you.

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

Reflection- "Futures Past" & the Pain of Letting Go

It's not easy to let go. It's easier to tell someone to "hey, let it go" or "you gotta let it go". And it's more than just a song from Frozen.

Have you ever truly let something go? Or someone, perhaps? It might be one of the hardest things to do in life. At least, it has been for me. And to see my comfort character process his pain on his own and let go of a past relationship & a life he could've had; it healed something deep within me.

I am a soul that was trapped by my past. I'm also a girlie whose been through more trauma than a person ever should in their life. And I'm only 27. I've held onto people, both good & bad, that I've lost, family who've passed away, and even places & situations from the past. Some by choice, some not by choice.

I kept every piece of paper I've ever drawn, everything from school, college; every photograph. I'd have closets full of old clothes, things I used fondly in the past; just echoes of the past piling up in boxes. My mom would make fun of me; call me a pack rat for my inability to move on from the past.

I found myself once again drawing parallels to my favorite character, Jack Morrison/Soldier 76 from Overwatch. I found myself in a similar mental space to him; where I was picturing my life going a different way & wondering what life would've been like if certain family didn't die, if I didn't meet certain people, if certain people stayed. And I'd spend so much time fixated on that instead of trying to clean up space & make way for the present. I thought my life was gonna go so differently 10 years ago; never expected any of this to happen.

I didn't want to face the present; I didn't like how it was.

I lost my home last week & I've been doing a lot of cleaning out boxes & getting stuff ready to sell. I got rid of so many things; old papers from school, half-finished drawings, clothing. It was hard at first, but the more I let the stuff go, the better I felt.

Letting go can be seen in a similar light as cleaning out your closet. Each moment, person, situation, etc; you really have to study it and ask yourself "is holding onto this benefitting me?" and if it's not...well to the trash. It sounds easy, but trust me...it's far from easy.

Sometimes you find comfort & safety in the past. Sometimes it feels easier to hold onto it. Sometimes you believe that you need to bring it with you. It's painful to let go; I know it is. You don't have to forget, but you don't have to let the past weigh you down. If you don't live in the present, you won't even be able to have a future.

At least, that's what I've learned anyway.

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

Update (4/10/25)

Hi guys

I'm sorry I haven't posted anything in a couple of weeks. I've been going through multiple periods where my mental health has worstened. That's beyond my control, but I'm ok.

With everything going on in my life at the moment, I'm still going to try to make content here & use this blog to work on my writing skills. I have several ideas in mind for other projects, but I won't spoil them here.

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

Art Tip: Use References

A lot of people ask me for art advice, and this is one of the first things I tell them: It’s ok to use references! Use many and use them often!

For some reason, it’s become normalized for people who are either an artist or not, to publicly harass artists for using references when drawing. This hostility that I and many other artists have received has scared a lot of people I’ve spoken to from ever even trying to learn how to draw. That’s disgusting. Having been through several art courses in college, they encourage people to use references; preferably setting up your own physical reference & drawing from what you see. I’ve had to create moodboards; which are collaged pictures onto a condensed sheet to reference style, color, type; whatever the project needs. Hell, even the most skilled animators at Disney use references when they draw! 

Using a reference to draw isn’t “cheating”; nobody should ever be expected to memorize the design of a character. Sure, if you draw the character enough, you might be good enough to not use the reference as much, but especially when you’re starting out, references are so important! There’s been a few times when I’ve looked at a character and noticed new features I didn’t see before. It helps you figure out your style! 

I, unfortunately, have dealt with a lot of threats & harassment due to this. I have a pinterest board of reference poses that I use when I draw. Some miserable people out there found the references, layered them on top of my commission artwork, and accused me of tracing. The client, who bought the commission 8 months prior to this, was demanding a refund. The cops were threatened & I received a lot of harassment, threats and unwanted, horrible messages. All because they were so certain that I scammed someone out of money. It got so bad that I almost gave up on art entirely. I never scammed anybody & that person went on to repost those traced memes you see on social media.

I was also given terrible art advice; essentially being screamed at for ever having references and drawings on the same page. And that came from an artist! They demanded I delete the sketch page & never post it publicly. This person was extremely wrong for doing this, but perhaps they received attacks for using references before. 

References are so important; and never let anybody else tell you otherwise. Mood Boards are even fine; these are techniques that can help you. Personally, I don’t know why people attack others over this. Maybe jealousy? Maybe because they don’t think they could be good artists, too? Who knows and who cares. There’s never been any shame in using references & I’ll always encourage everybody to use them!

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

In Memoriam: My Grandma who lived in Nature

My grandma's birthday would've been today (March 21st) and I'm taking the day to reflect on her life. It's been three years at the time of writing this since her passing, and I made the difficult decision to remember her solely by the good times she and I had together.

She was born in the 1920s and would always talk about how my great-grandma pulled her out of school at age 16 so she could work at this factory making clothing. That seemed to be a painful memory for my grandma; being the oldest & her parents not making enough to keep her & her 9 other siblings fed. Great depression times sounded like hell in the flesh to go through.

She loved being in nature. My grandparents had a house in the mountains of the northeast US where they spent at least 30-40 years living there. She would always leave corn out for the deer, feed all the birds and took pictures of everything that came through her backyard. From huge Black bears to Elk fighting & losing their horns; she saw a lot of drama in the local forest.

From what I've seen & been told by my family, she was extremely stuck up and rude. She couldn't stand my uncle; who had suddenly passed a month before she did. We still don't exactly know why; it's become a family conspiricy. She picked favorites; my abusive father being the baby of her children & the most spoiled. I remember times when she was extremely judgemental to my mother and demanding stuff from my aunt at a family function. Even my grandpa used to say "Jesus Christ woman, I'd divorce you if I could, but I'm too old!" We'd all mess with her; not to get her mad, but to get her to lighten up in her old age.

Her passing we were expecting. She had suffered from dementia for a while; she didn't remember who I was in the last conversation she and I had together. After as much time as she spent around me, to hear her think that I was her niece, it hurt. I remember her saying her only goal in life was to outlive her mother (who lived to be 100). She didn't quite make it, but she was pretty close. Her funeral was short, quiet, and there wasn't that many people aside from all 14 of her grandkids and the rest of her kids.

My grandma gave our family a bit of hell for a while; causing problems between her kids and grandkids. She put me on this pedistal and would brag to my cousin, who was around my age, about how good I was doing. In reality, my cousin was much more successful: cheerleading, high school speech team, and eventually becoming a journalist. Yet, that's not how I chose to remember her.

In 2023, we had our first family reunion in about 15-20 years. It was a combined effort of myself, and a few distant but older cousins. In that time, I heard so many funny & positive stories about how kind my grandma was to the cousins; her house was "the place" to be as a kid. Nobody had a negative experience with her. Yes, she was very judgemental and harsh on us, but maybe she was taking some trauma out on us without even realizing it. I'm sure of that; people born around the 1920s never really talked about mental health. I'm sure my grandpa had PTSD from his days in the Navy during WW2; he never spoke to anybody about his time in the military.

So when this day rolls around every year, I try to get some bird seed and fill up my bird feeders in her memory. Last year, we ended up putting a humming bird with spinning wings on her grave when we visited home.

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

Storytime: Convention Encounter

On April 13th, 2024, I embarked on a journey that would change my life. I got to go to my first ever convention! 

In about August-Sept 2023, I found out that there was a convention near me called Fan Expo. Just out of sheer curiosity, I filled out a request form on their website; letting them know what talent I thought would be cool to see. I listed multiple voice actors; including Fred Tatasciore (my hero) and sent the request in. One day in January, their official Instagram posted the list of attending voice actors…and Fred was part of the crew attending. I remember leaping out of my chair and immediately buying a ticket. 

Fred and I had interacted a few times through his Instagram livestreams; where he would sign autographs ordered through the website Streamily. The week prior to meeting him, he was doing signings he owed fans from back in October; when he had major surgery at that time & was out of commission for several months. Every digital encounter was an extremely positive experience for both of us. 

It had been a dream of mine to actually meet him in person one day; but I never expected the opportunity to happen so soon! 

In preparation for the convention, I gathered up the stuff I wanted Fred to sign and shoved it into my backpack from college. Two Funko Pops; one of Soldier 76 from Overwatch and one of Xur from Destiny (another character he voices). Stacked underneath were two Overwatch books; “Heroes Ascendant” and “Declassified”. Both books featured the old vigilante and I thought it would be cool to have Fred sign the books. Underneath everything was a folder I had purchased the week prior from Walmart; with a drawing of Soldier I designed for Fred to sign & a drawing of Soldier sleeping in a chair as a gift for him. I remember not being able to sleep the night before; due to excitement & a very bad rain storm that caused the power to go out for a while. 

My fear & anxiety were high. I was determined to meet Fred at any cost. This included doing something I never had done before; driving on the highway. I didn’t think my car would make it & originally, I was planning on taking back roads. But I woke up early enough & made my hour-long drive to the convention center. It was a smooth & calm ride; I was singing loudly to Imagine Dragons & I wasn’t afraid of the highway anymore. Another fear conquered! I was able to find a very good parking space close to the Center; it felt like the planets aligned for this to happen. 

Once on the floor, I followed the signs directly to the voice acting section; glancing around at all the empty tables. They had Roger Clark (Arthur Morgan from Red Dead Redemption II), Maggie Robertson (Lady D from Resident Evil Village), Maile Flannigan (Naruto Uzumaki himself!) and even Kathleen Herles (the original Dora the Explorer)! While Fred wasn’t at his table yet, I found myself wandering around for a few minutes & coming back when he had some people ahead of me. 

I was the only girl in line to meet him. There were so many guys in line with their physical copies of games, Funko Pops & more; wanting Fred’s signature. One guy in line was even showing the rest of us his Juggernog Mini Fridge; which was a pre-order bonus with the original Black Ops 3 game. It had the signatures of Steve Blum and Nolan North on it; two voice actors who were main characters in the game alongside Fred. 

When Fred walked in; it was like seeing a rockstar take the stage at a concert. I was shocked that it was actually him, in person and not on a screen! I remember thinking, Holy shit, he’s tall! As he took his place behind the table. He thanked everybody for coming out and then the fun began; the line started moving. My heart was pounding; I was so scared of messing up my words or fumbling something. Or even dropping the stack of merch in my hands. My emotions were already high after coming off a week of online harassment; and doing so many first time things & experiencing so many new things in one day was setting my nerd heart ablaze. 

His helper came and took my order on a sticky note. I remember telling him with the calmest tone I could muster, “have them be made out to Nerdy, he’ll know who I am”. I was so confident but I didn’t feel it internally. Deep breathing got me through that anticipation; I thought I was gonna faint. The dude ahead of me left Fred’s table, and I watched as Fred looked down at the note with my name on it, and excitedly looked over to me. This was it. 

He waved me over with his hand and I giddily approached the table, setting my stuff down on the side. “Oh my goodness are you Nerdy? It’s so wonderful to finally meet you in person!” 

When I say Fred is a sweetheart, I mean it. He was like a kid on Christmas; he was so damn happy to see me. Nobody, not even my own family, had ever shown me that much excitement for my presence. He took both my hands in his and shook them, and I know I had the biggest smile on my face. While Fred is a celebrity in a sense, I treated him like the down to earth, human being that I saw in every interview he did. He then asked if I made it to the con safe & where I was from. I think he knew I was nervous because he kept holding my hands for a bit. He then started talking to me like we’d been friends for 20 years; telling me how he was watching people hydroplaning in the streets the night before just because they wanted to meet him & the other voice actors. 

“So what do ya got for me?” He eagerly looked at my stack and I apologized for the stack, but I wanted to make sure all this stuff got signed. He had two old & rugged plastic baggies full of markers; and I remember thinking ‘Oh yeah, this man is an artist!’ I had sticky notes on the Funko Pop figures with the quotes I wanted and doodles of each character on them. Fred loved the doodles so much that he asked if he could keep them. I was shocked, and said sure! He placed them gently at his side and continued signing. Most of the time, I was silently watching him sign; it was so cool just watching it in person. Almost like an artist painting a picture. 

Before we got to the books, I presented him with the doodle I had made and he laughed very hard. “This is wonderful! Did you sign this? You need to sign this!” I never thought that Fred would ever ask me for my signature; but I did make it, so it made sense. But at the time, as he was signing my drawing, I was signing my gift for him that I made. That blew my mind; I never thought that my art was good enough prior that someone, especially my hero, would want my signature. He gently put it in his bag and told me it was going in his office along with my post it notes. Was this reality? Had I entered another dimension? Or was I dreaming?

Spontaneously, I bought a few more prints from his table; two for me and one for a former friend, two photos and a video recording. I stated to Fred how Streamily didn’t have a lot of variety like he did at his table; and he looked disappointed. He explained to me how he sent Streamily multiple prints of characters like Nikolai and Xur (the ones I ended up buying) and they never put them up in his shop; saying “I’ll have to have a word with them,” and thanking me for letting him know. Holy shit, I was actually being helpful to Fred!

He signed the Xur print, the print for the former friend, and when it came to the Nikolai print, well, he went above and beyond. I couldn’t figure out what quote I wanted out of two quotes, so Fred says “Let me try something…” and writes both quotes on the print for me. I kept thanking him and he just kept smiling. He knew what he was doing & I think he knew how important our meeting was for me. 

So now for this video he made. I asked Fred to record me a video of something inspirational for me to watch when I was having a panic attack; asking for “Soldier pretty please”. I watched him write “hey nerdy…” on a sticky note and say “I’m ready.” I hit record: “This is Soldier 76 reporting for duty. Listen Nerdy, you’ve become a great pal of mine. You do great work, you’re an amazing artist, and your heart is big. We all gotta get that payload. You’ve got this soldier, you’ve got this. You make me proud. I’m not your father…well, maybe I am. I’m proud of you like you were my own. You’re the best. We’re all soldiers now. I’ll always have you in my sights. Take care. Much love, Dad76.” 

I lowered my phone with a face on the verge of tears, but joyous nonetheless. I didn’t know what he was gonna say, but he spoke from the heart. It was perfect. He said “See, now that I know you a bit more, I was able to customize it.” He meant every word he said too. 

Photo time: he came around from the table and out of nowhere gave me this giant hug. We posed for a few photos the assistant took on my brand new phone. Fred was shocked at the quality of my photos & thought they came out beautiful. He hugged me again; telling me to stay in touch with him and to be safe traveling home. We waved as I walked away from the table; all the stuff back in my bag, and I ended up walking to the other side of the building. I found this post far away from other people, sat down, and sobbed my eyes out. 

For a good 10 minutes, the realization hit me that I met my hero. The compassion & kindness he showed me was something I never received before, and I was 26 at the time I met him. I never felt seen or heard by anybody; and felt that I was solely defined by these labels that everybody put on me. I never felt understood until that moment. Fred saw the real, genuine me that I’ve been trying to show everybody for years. He heard me, and literally had me in his sights. He showed me in that hour-long meeting that I made an impact on his life. The fact that he remembered me, took his time with me, calmed me down, and lifted me higher than the clouds left a lasting impact on me. Still, to this day, that moment was the first time in my life I felt joy; true, genuine joy. And it’s never gone away; no matter how tough life gets. 

For the last portion of the trip, the Con was having Fred take part in a panel talking about voice acting in video games with Roger Clark and Chris Edgerly (best known as Pathfinder from Apex Legends). I think I was seated in the VIP section, but nobody really cared. It was an interesting hour of these three men discussing their careers, giving life advice, and even discussing how AI is affecting their work. It was an honor to be able to participate in that & hear from prominent industry legends. 

After all is said & done, I safely returned home & immediately hung the prints on my wall. I’ll forever be grateful to Fred for his endless kindness towards me & giving me the best experience of my life. Whoever said “never meet your heroes” obviously never met Fred Tatasciore.

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

Storytime: First Autograph

Voice Acting has always been a special interest of mine since I was at least five or six years old. I remember recognizing Spongebob’s voice actor, Tom Kenny, in another cartoon I was watching at the time; Kids Next Door (KND). That moment blew my mind; I was too young to comprehend how the same person could voice multiple characters in different shows. 

A few years down the road, I ended up playing a lot of Call of Duty; specifically the Zombies mode in the Black Ops games. My younger brother and I would play together for hours with the original four guys known now as the “Ultimis” Crew. One of those characters we ended up playing multiple times was Nikolai Belinski; a funny, drunk russian who was actually not voiced by a russian man! Rather, he was voiced by Fred Tatasciore; a man who ends up becoming my hero. How exactly? Well, I’ll tell you, silly! 

Fred Tatasciore (Tata - shore) is a voice actor that’s been around for a while, but didn’t make it big until the late 2000s. His first job was on Invader Zim playing a bunch of different background characters. He’s gone on to voice many characters in both animation & gaming, including: Saren from Mass Effect, the Hulk in various Marvel projects (not the movies) and of course, Nikolai. When the first person shooter game, Overwatch, dropped in 2016, Fred would go on to voice my favorite character of all time: Soldier 76. The vast difference between Soldier and Nikolai made me really impressed by Fred’s vast vocal range & how he can play a serious character one minute and a hilarious, drunk Russian the next! 

While scrolling on TwiX (once called Twitter) one day, I discovered that Fred was doing autograph signings using some service called Streamily. Streamily is a website that actors, voice actors and even athletes use to sign autographs, usually on a livestream, and they get shipped directly to you! Having never used the service before at the time, I thought it was genius; especially in a post-COVID society. I was determined to somehow get myself a print from Fred. 

My request was a personal one: In 2022, both my uncle and my grandma passed away within a month of each other. My uncle had suddenly passed from a stroke while my grandma’s dementia caught up to her. My uncle was my father figure; a rock in my family that shook our family to its core. We were preparing ourselves for grandma; she was getting closer each day. The same week my uncle passed, I had also broken up with my toxic & abusive ex. During this extremely rough period, I was playing Overwatch nonstop to find some joy & distractions. Soldier 76 was my most played hero; and hearing him say things like, “Knock me down & I’ll keep getting back up” and “still got some fight in me” kept me going through that time. I couldn’t write it all in 150 characters, though. 

The night of the stream arrived as I giddily watched the Youtube livestream. They had at least 20 Overwatch Voice Actors on this stream; talking about how the game impacted their lives in a positive way & sharing their stream times. Some were on Zoom and some were in the Streamily building that day. Fred happened to be one of the few that showed up in person and was doing his livestream that night. When the Youtube stream ended, I headed over to Fred’s Instagram page and jumped into the livestream. 

When he got to mine, I was extremely nervous and excited. I had no idea what kinda guy Fred was at the time & I remember hoping my request made sense. He read it out loud and paused for a moment; looking at the camera and explaining that he’s also suffered lots of losses in his life. Fred said he would write something Soldier would say to someone that’s grieving and held the print up to the camera when he was done. First impressions are powerful; and Fred’s ended up being the reason why I became an even bigger fan of his after this moment. 

I broke down crying several times; rewatching the stream over and over more than I recall. 

A week later, the print came. I opened it up gently, and fell on my knees; sobbing again. This felt like a dream. Never in my life did I even think I would get a print from a voice actor. Then again, I never thought I’d have one deeply impact me on a soul level like Fred did. I still cry watching that livestream back. 

I’m forever grateful to both Fred & Streamily for this first interaction even happening. I have the print hanging in my office, beside the other ones, as it’s become a positive memory I cherish.

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

Fandoms

(TW: mention of suicide, bullying) While browsing TwiX (Twitter/X) a few days ago, I was shocked to see an individual in the Sonic Community had taken his life after recieving harassment over two characters he was shipping. I'm heartbroken that this has even happened & my thoughts are with this person's family & friends.

I knew very little about fandoms prior to being a part of one. I thought they were positive, safe spaces for people to make friends & talk about the media or topic of interest. But the more I became encased in fandom culture, the more I realized it's not anything like I imagined. I've seen everything from people developing parasocial relationships with popular accounts/CCs (content creators) to "ship wars"; where people will fight for days over who a character is shipped with. Fandoms have become scary in my eyes; unsafe spaces where people seem to have free roam over how toxic they can be towards one another.

When I started branching out to other fandoms, I saw similar patterns: fighting over shipping, people cancelling each other over the smallest things, so much hate/bullying, and worshipping CCs & popular accounts like they're Gods. People have told me they feel safer in Discord servers than they do publicly speaking about what they enjoy; and that's sad.

Many people who have been online prior to social media have stated that fandom spaces were better "back in the day". Fandoms weren't a big open space where anybody could say anything, but more akin to rooms of people who enjoyed the content. It sounded like there was more control in fandoms back then; and people genuinely creating content for the sake of enjoying the main subject. Kinda sounds like what Discord is today; without all the voice & video chatting.

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

Reflection- Overwatch Spotlight & Drive Event

This has been a very eventful week for Overwatch! The current Competitive "Drive" event is taking place at the time of writing this, and the Spotlight happened the other day; going over some big things coming to the game this year!

First, the Drive event:

I think these events are great for getting people to play Competitive and offer a ton of competitive points so you can finally get that weapon variant that you've had your eyes on. However, from my experience the past few days, this Drive event seems harder to play. It might be because I'm choosing to play PC; where I'm not the best at playing the game. Seems that everybody is pushing extremely hard to get the shiny blue nameplate that lays behind the username. Hopefully things calm down as the event goes on. At the time of writing this, I'm on tier 1.

Now let's talk about the Spotlight:

Overall, I enjoyed the Spotlight! It showcased a lot of different ideas that the team seems really passionate about. Welcome home Loot Boxes! And we'll be able to get shop items in them as well!

The Perks system they're adding, while it does feel rushed slightly, sounds like it would be an interesting way to shake up the gameplay. I do wish they either hinted at these or talked about them last season so we would've had an entire season to learn what these new additions were. But it's some chaos I'm all here for.

Speaking of chaos, that's what the Stadium mode looks like. Not in a bad way, it's definitely something I never saw coming! Building characters and even being able to play in 3rd person mode is going to be fun; and a lot of people, including myself, think this might end up being a competitive mode at some point.

The two new heroes, Freja and Aqua; I think they're fine. Aqua has a really unique design and while Freja's design doesn't jump out at me, I really like that we'll be able to use a crossbow hero now! Looking forward to that hero trial weekend for her!

Season 15 is approaching soon and I'm honestly looking forward to everything the devs have in store for us! And I can't wait for that Rainy Day Bundle to get in the shop!

[thoughts-of-a-nerdy]

A Blog you say? Sounds Fun!

Well hi there! You found my blog! Oh! Gosh let me introduce myself properly: I'm Nerdy; a creative goofball who enjoys a lot of pop culture stuff. In my spare time, I game, I write, I draw; I do all kinds of things honestly! My pronouns are she/her. That's all I really know at the moment!

I made this blog to talk about all kinds of things, so if you like anime, games and food among other things, feel free to stick around! I've got lots of plans for this little blog, but for now, I'll just wave a friendly hello to you all!

I get very down to earth & authentic on here; so hard topics I will add trigger warnings when applicable. I also don't tolerate trolling, harassment, or any form of negativity on my blog; as this is my safe space on the internet to speak my mind. If you don't like me, find something better to do with your life and leave me alone. If you can't, you'll be blocked; simple as that.

Hope everybody has a lovely day!