throughdeepblueeyes

[throughdeepblueeyes]

[throughdeepblueeyes]

Today, I'm hurting.

Yesterday, Devin and I took a 21 hour drive from our home on the Mississippi Gulf Coast, to where he grew up in Upstate New York to visit family and do the whole “meet the parents” thing. His brother, 2 nieces (ages 4 and 1), and their mother are also currently living there in his parents’ home…. and today when the girls’ mom left for work I put the baby down for her afternoon nap. I sat there for a while, watching her sleep, in awe as I realized how much she favors her uncle Devin. Her big blue eyes and her plump, perfect lips are the same ones that belong to him. Thoughts of what our own sweet baby would have looked like filled my head, and as tears welled in my eyes I had to excuse myself from the room and walk outside. I had to ignore his questioning looks and inquiries about what was wrong because if I had said it out loud, I would have lost it.

Of all my miscarriages, the last one is what haunts me the most. Why? I couldn’t tell you. It was such an early loss in my pregnancy, how could I be so torn up about it? I reckon it’s because I know how much he loves me, how fiercely I love him in return, and how wonderful of a Daddy he is going to be one day (unlike my shithead ex who fathered my other angel babies). I wonder so often if I’ll ever be able to give him that, and I’m terrified to know the answer. I’ll probably never tell him how badly the loss of our pregnancy has burned me to my core, because I’m afraid he’ll hurt too and grow to resent me.

So today, I am hurting. And I’m burdened with putting on a happy face, one that’s painfully impossible…. so I’m also hiding in the garage.

Sigh.

[throughdeepblueeyes]

I promise you my daughter is not with the shits….

over the past few weeks there has been 3 separate occasions where little old white ladies have tried her. Here’s a recap:

OWL #1 - In the grocery store and this lady comments on how beautiful my daughter is. I say thank you. She says her hair is gorgeous and reaches out, unsolicited and pets my daughter…… My daughter did the matrix on her ass and batted her hand away. The lady says “well that wasn’t very lady like, your mother should teach you some manners” to which my daughter replied “And your mommy should have taught you to keep your hands to yourself”

OWL #2 - At the gas station. Lady comments how pretty my daughter is. My daughter says thank you and then says “I’m a pretty brown girl” and the lady responds with “no honey you are a pretty girl” and my daughters says “I SAIDDDDDDD, I’m a pretty brown girl” the lady just walks off befuddled.

OWL #3 - Grocery story…again. Says nothing and just reaches out and runs her hands through my daughters hair. Turns to me and says “It’s so soft, its not at all NAPPY how I imagined it” By this time I was LIVID…but without skipping a damn beat my daughter says “My hair is like spun silk, you will RESPECT my crown”

Did I mention that she is 3….

I must be doing SOMETHING right…

[throughdeepblueeyes]

I am having a day.

You know the one. Your alarm goes off and while you know you need to go to work, you can't bring yourself to leave bed... and even though you've had enough sleep, you're tired. Exhausted even. Not from sleepless nights, but from life. Life is tossing me around like a rag doll lately, and then waiting for me to finally fall for the chance to kick me while I'm down. And the problem is that I've been letting my life abuse me instead of taking control of it. I've allowed Lady Depression to creep into the part of my brain that my self confidence and my self worth reside and wreak havoc on all of the work I have done lately. I'm tired, but I got out of bed. I drove to work and I struggled through one of the hardest days I've faced in a long while. But I did it. Do you hear me? I made it through. And now I'm home, back in bed with my dog cuddled up by my feet (even though she isn't supposed to be because Devin doesn't like the animals on the bed), watching old episodes of Law & Order: SVU because that's all I have the energy to do right now. And that's okay. It's okay to have these days. We survive them. They're rough and we hate ourselves for allowing them to come. But they do. And it's okay.

[throughdeepblueeyes]

Men who slam doors and furniture are making sure you hear how much they want to hit you.

[throughdeepblueeyes]

Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane.. ☉🌪

[throughdeepblueeyes]

I'm a brat and complained about our tiny home, and this was his response. Blessed is an understatement...

[throughdeepblueeyes]

Falling in love– real, true love–is literally the most magical, exhilarating, terrifying and frankly, indescribable feeling in the world. It happens, suddenly and without any hesitation at all. It’s strange and unexpected. It’s giving all of yourself to another person, no questions asked. Falling in love requires more than mere “chemistry.” It’s gathering patience you never thought you had, it’s full acceptance of another person and every thing they carry in their baggage. And it takes all of you, but in the most natural way.

Falling in love with him was the most genuine, pure, natural feeling that has probably ever been felt between two people.

Falling in love with him meant wanting to put in the effort. It was knowing that this is where I want to be, who I want to adventure with, who I want to mourn with, who I want to be the best version of myself with. I quickly realized that I was willing to do anything to nurture this love. Falling in love with him meant embracing his idiosyncrasies and differences, because they’re his most endearing quirks. It meant not only supporting him, but admiring him for all he is… smart, witty, charming, kind… It means going out of my way for him, not because I feel forced to, but because I want to. Damn it, I want to. I want to rope the moon and the stars and give him each and every one… I’d give him the whole sky if he wanted it. Falling in love with him wasn’t just about learning his passions and dreams; it was trying to discover ways to help him accomplish all those dreams. Falling in love with him wasn’t just butterflies in my stomach. It was an innate feeling that this man was made for me. It’s as if I wasn’t ever truly myself until he came along. Like I wasn’t really complete. Falling in love with him wasn’t about relying on someone else for my happiness or my confidence. It was being happy and confident in myself and having him to add to that happiness. Falling in love with him meant I had someone to share similarities and dreams and passions with. Falling in love with him meant I got to learn how to embrace how different he is from me…. and realizing that I could learn so much from our differences. Falling in love with him meant missing him when we were separated, but feeling secure enough to be apart. Falling in love with him is like having the best kept secret in the world all to myself. Falling in love is a daily choice, and a choice I make more willingly than any other one I’ve ever been faced with. It’s the choice to allow myself to be vulnerable, to let someone else take care of me, to allow my heart to be open to happiness and security and giving myself the chance to be loved just as fiercly in return. Falling in love with him was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. And I fall more in love with him every day.

[throughdeepblueeyes]

[throughdeepblueeyes]

Your boyfriend belongs to you, mine belongs to the military. You complain you haven’t seen him in a few hours, I will go months on end without seeing him. You haven’t heard from him in a couple hours, I will go weeks without hearing from him. You get mad and ignore his calls, I would do anything for just 5 minutes. You take him for granted, I don’t.

Military Girlfriend (via just-a-little-bit-of-me)

[throughdeepblueeyes]

Home has never been a person for me until I fell in love with you.

And as I sit on the couch I grew up on, I’m homesick as hell. (via though-i-fall-i-will-rise)

[throughdeepblueeyes]

Maybe...

Maybe you have a soft heart. Maybe you see more good in people than is actually there. Maybe you've been guilty of running to relationships for self validation. Maybe you've been lied to. Maybe you've been cheated on. Maybe you've been told you weren't enough. Maybe you've narrowly escaped a bad engagement... or better yet, an abusive relationship. Maybe you've spent more nights than you'd like to admit lying in bed and wondering what's so wrong with you... why do you keep doing this to yourself.... will you ever learn? And then maybe, just maybe... you'll walk up the steps of some little bar on some busy road one night and look into a set of eyes that make simply breathing difficult. Maybe you'll spend the night laughing and playing pool and talking about life over whataburger food until 4am. Maybe you'll notice tiny dimples that only appear when they laugh really hard. Maybe you'll watch the way their lips move as they speak and have to try hard not to graze your thumb over them. Maybe you'll be in mid-sentence when you notice how intently they are listening to you talk... like they care so much about what you have to say. Maybe they'll make you laugh harder than you have in awhile. Maybe, just maybe you'll sit there across the dirty, salt covered whataburger table looking at this person and just know. Maybe they'll grab your elbow and lower back when you almost trip in tall grass on the walk back to the bar... and maybe where they touched you will feel like electricity. Maybe they'll walk you to your car and kiss you goodnight.... or goodmorning because it's 4am. Maybe you'll drive home with the most overwhelming need to see them again. Maybe you'll go to bed smiling because they've just texted you telling you they'd like to see you again. Maybe you'll spend every spare second together... alone or in a crowd...every day getting more and more lost in each other. Maybe you'll realize that it's okay that you're flawed, or that it's okay that you've been guilty of running to relationships for self validation in the past because this person, this wonderful person will tell you you're flawless and worthy and amazing.... and maybe, JUST MAYBE, you'll believe them. So yes, maybe you'll meet someone by accident or grand design... and maybe you'll experience the "click". Trust that connection, maybe. Maybe I'm glad I did.

[throughdeepblueeyes]

"He's hell on wheels and she's heavenly."