thrutheeyesofme

[thrutheeyesofme]

Stepping Into Alignment

Stop running.

Stop running away from yourself,

Stand still and look around.

You are safe,

You are safe to be yourself.

Relax,

No, truly relax.

You don't have to be anyone else,

You don't have to prove anything else,

Just be you,

Just be you, in all your unique self.

Laugh, cry and create.

Buy the furniture you want,

Buy the colours that you need,

You don't need anyone else's approval, but your own.

You are brilliant,

Just the way you are,

Never change,

Just be you.

Love yourself,

No, truly love yourself,

You don't need anyone else to love you,

Except for yourself.

You are the only one who needs to accept you,

You are the only one that can make yourself feel wanted,

You are the only one that can make yourself feel appreciated,

Stop looking outside for approval,

You are perfect just the way you are.

Just let go.

Truly make the decision to commit to letting go.

The quicker you can be yourself,

The quicker the things that align to you can present themselves.

Because they are all waiting for you,

Career,

Friendships,

Relationships,

Wealth,

Ease.

Just waiting for you to step up onto their level,

To meet them face to face,

To grab them with both arms.

You've got this.

Because really, it was all designed for you,

No one else has access to it,

Only you can unlock this,

So stop being someone else,

And just be you.

It’s your time.

Get what you deserve,

Get what was created for you

Because this abundance is your birthright,

And no one else can claim it, but the authentic you. 

[thrutheeyesofme]

Enough

I look like this,

And it's never enough.

I act like this,

And it's never enough.

I talk like this,

And it's never enough.

I bend, contorts, reshape, myself,

And it's never enough.

I don't know what to do,

Where I'm meant to be,

How I'm meant to fit in.

Or how I'm meant to feel safe with you.

You say you I'm gorgeous,

But your eye wanders,

You say I'm special,

But seek the attention from others,

You say I am so lovable,

But yet you can't commit to me.

I feel lost.

Confused,

Insecure,

Defeated,

Insufficient in your company.

I live on my nerves edge,

Never feeling confident,

Always catering to your needs,

Always trying to present perfectly,

Always persuading you to stay with me.

But this is stupid.

Let's take a step back,

Time to look at things objectively...

If you look at you,

Then you look at me,

Why am I pandering to your needs?

I'm gorgeous,

And smart,

Also kind, loving and considerate.

I buy the best presents,

And I give the best hugs,

I champion you in your lowest moments,

And hold space for you when you are afraid.

That's right,

I'm a great fucking catch,

And well above your score,

Anyone would be grateful to have me,

But yet you treat me as if you want more.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

And how am I not enough for you?

Stop pushing me aside with your insecurities,

Stop getting in my head with your criticisms,

Stop torturing me with your contradictions.

You are not better than me,

You don't get to call the shots,

You don't get to hold all the cards,

You don't get to decide if I'm enough for you,

I am a total package, and you don't deserve me.

I look within,

Find my worth,

Get my courage,

Claim what is mine,

And leave your sorry ass behind.

I stand by my personal power,

And I am enough.

I communicate my needs, wants and desires,

And I am enough.

I hold my ground on my values,

And I am enough.

I present imperfectly in my authenticity,

And I am always enough. 

[thrutheeyesofme]

Brand New Day

Alert,

Bright,

Enthusiastic,

It's how I always start my day.

Childlike wonder,

Fresh new beginnings,

Bright eyed enthusiasm,

Reckless abandonment of the day I left behind.

Fresh page,

Blank Canvas,

New spark,

The day is mine for creating.

So what will I create today?

New hope, desires and virtue?

Or repeat yesterday's misery and defeat?

The choice is mine to design.

Choice is the deciding factor.

How I choose to see my options,

I can choose to dwell in the negative,

Or choose only that which feels delicious.

I have all the tools I need,

I have all the direction I see,

I have all the determination I desire,

Only I can get in my way.

I can't live in the past,

And yet the future does not exist,

Let’s stay in the present.

And choose from today's selection of gifts.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Faith

Faith. Faith can feel like a dirty word. Rules and regulations, Money making business, Abuse of power, Limiting belief systems.

Feeling lost, Feeling resentful, Feeling disempowered, Feeling like a small drop in a large ocean of doubt.

Who am I? What is this world? What are we doing here? Does any of this actually matter?

Inner self-reflection, Inwards transmutation, Outwards transformation, Taking ownership of my own truths.

I found my faith, I found my salvation, I found my own version of purpose, I found my own reason for living.

The sustained joy of my inner child, The delicious choices of endless possibilities, The nonjudgmental empathy of neutrality, The unconditional love and compassion of a mother, This is the faith that makes sense to me.

My faith is my faith only, It is not for you, It is for me, Because you are you, And I am me.

Please don't follow me, Please don't adopt my wisdom, Please don't donate to my cause, Find your own faith. Find something that makes sense to you, Find your own reason for living, Find your own impact in the world.

Your faith will unlock your heart, Your faith will bring your own true happiness, Your faith will direct you to your north star, Your faith will set you free.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Routine Before Creation; A Trauma Response

I wake up every morning, Filled with life, Flowing with vigor, Beaming with enthusiasm.

The day is here for me to create, A total blank canvas for my own creation, An open page of endless possibilities, Just ready for me to make the first move.

I could… Paint a self portrait, Design a new dance step, Model something out of clay, Write love letters to myself, Endless energy for creative play.

But first, let's get the basics out the way, Breakfast, cup of tea and news, Teeth, poop then shower, Some light housework and errands, Decide what to cook for dinner.

I do a quick run to the supermarket, Pick up some lunch on the way home, Put on that load of washing, Send that email I need to write, And get my dinner prep done.

Exhausted by all this running around, I need to recharge. Brew a quick cuppa, Put my feet up to rest, Take a quick 10min power nap, And then the day is mine to create.

…What was I going to do again? Oh yes, spontaneous day of creation, Harness my relentless optimism of the day, Surrender to the flow of magical possibilities, Channel it into active, positive modes of creation.

But the time in my day is getting limited, Enthusiasm is starting to wane, And my momentum is being lost. I start to think about all the mess, And the thought of cleaning it up.

….All my creative enthusiasm is gone. Silenced by my default daily activities, Routine and discipline are my trauma response, Fear of being judged and as labelled lazy, Pleasure and creativity gets lost along the way.

I get stuck in my need to present perfectly, Making sure everything is in order before I can start my day, Chores before play, Hard Work before reward, Vegetables before dessert, I am pre-programmed that enjoyment is a bargaining chip.

But that rule is a silly made up illusion, A trauma response inherited from our parents. Humans are naturally creative beings, Creativity, joy and play are our default, Our true catalyst for feeling alive.

Life in its beauty is all about creation, It flows through our veins as magic, Unable to be captured or stored, It needs to be embraced in the moment, Regardless if your bed has been made or not.

Creation is something I have to commit myself to, A nourishing practice that fulfils my soul, A rejuvenating outlet that brings me back to life, A daily non-negotiable for my well being, A purpose greater than working the 9 to 5.

Because if we aren't creating, What is the point of life? Eat, sleep, marry and pay taxes? That isn't the life I expected for myself, This won't be the life I create for myself.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Anxiety

Undeniable stress, Uncontrollable tension, Running deep through my body, From my head down to my toes.

Can't sleep, Can't function, Can't take this anymore, I need relief.

Run, Dance, And scream, Nothing seems to shake this belief.

But anxiety is me just fighting life's flow. Impatience about the future, Unable to trust the outcome, Wanting to be in control.

I take a deep breath in, And I take a deep breath out. Life is out of my hands, And whatever will be, will be.

I take a chance on trust, Surrender to the probabilities, I put my best foot forward, And walk through the doors that are open to me.

I look back at my life, I remember all my history, I release all my nerves, I realise that life has always been good to me.

The truth is that I've always been safe, I have never not been provided for, What am I actually scared of? What is it that I cannot trust?

If history has proven anything, That life beats to its own rhythm, You either stand in its way and suffer, Or you surrender to the flow of the unknown.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Envy

They got it, 

So why can't I?

How come they automatically get it?

And I have to work so hard for mine.

They just did that one thing,

And all that opportunity came their way,

What about me?

I sit here struggling.

Fighting for pennies,

Fighting to be heard,

Fighting for peace,

And alI I seem to get is brick walls and resistance.

I don't want to be them,

I don't actually like them,

I don't actually want their lives.

But I want the same opportunities,

I want those doors to open for me,

I want that ease that I witness in them.

I hate my life.

I openly reject it.

Victimising myself to anyone who will listen,

Playing the blame game to deflect my ownership,

Proudly accepting sympathy for my shortcomings,

I have dug this ugly, defensive hole that I sit in. 

But the truth is,

That we are all blessed in our own way,

We all have experiences in good & bad,

We all  have moments of right and wrong,

We all have ways of not seeing the positives over the negatives.

What is one's person ease,

Is the other persons hardship,

What one person's hard work,

Is another person's cup of tea,

What is your walk in the park,

Is another person's walk through the trenches.

We all have our own struggles,

We all have our own point of pain,

This is just mine,

And I'm sure you have yours,

We are not any better than each other,

We are all just humans having our own human experience.

Envy is a bitch.

A cruel deadly sin that lurks within,

Eating away at our love for each other, 

Creating barriers of the haves and have nots, 

Identifying where we hold lack inside.

But envy can also be a catalyst for change.

Creating inspiration,

Evoking aspiration,

Driving up our determination,

Making us want it more.

What is their victory,

Is also my possibilities,

If they can do it,

So can I.

They got it with such ease,

Imagine what I'll receive if I actually try?

I put my all into it,

Bending backwards,

Beg, borrow & steal,

Determined to claim what is mine.

I achieve my goal, 

I receive my glory,

I stand tall in my victory,

The evidence of all my hard work.

But soon that day will come,

Where others will see my success,

Oblivious to my journey,

Unaware of my set-backs,

Unconscious of my struggles.

Where is mine, they will say?

When do I get my chance?

How come they got it so easily?

And the truth is that,

What goes around comes around, 

The endless cycle of the human condition.

We notice the similar tone,

We witness the familiar themes,

We recognise the signs of envy.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Rejection

Ignored me, Critised me, Hurt me, But never again.

Move on, Break free, Find salvation, Create my new life.

Adjust my standards, Be more selective, Unrealistic expectations, Create strong judgements.

Trust no one, Protect myself, Create barriers, Know one can get in.

Barricaded in my rules, Safe in my guardedness, Suffocating in my isolation, The rejected has now become the rejector.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Worry only exists when there is a lack of trust.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Survivor

Push me down, Hold me back, Ignore me, I still stand here.

Culture, History, Ancestral trauma, I live beyond your limiting belief system,

Step back, Transform, Transmute, I take time to restore myself,

Truth, Authenticity, Ownership, I am reborn into myself.

Forgiveness, Acceptance, Appreciation, I find love for my existence.

Kindness , Compassion, Strength, I stand in my power.

Love, Joy, Liberation, I am in awe of life.

Envy, Fear, Judgement, I feel your projected pain.

Push me down, Hold me back, Ignore me, And yet, I still stand here.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Guilt

Guilt is the pain I inflict on myself, No one else can make me feel guilt but me.

Holding my happiness ransom, Punishing myself for the consequences, Living in this self imposed prison of my own creation, I choose to hold onto this belief.

I wear my guilt like a badge of honour, Admitting my regrettable actions, Demonstrating my empathy, Overdoing it with my apology. Overcompensating for my low self esteem.

We go over and over the stories in our minds, Trying to rewrite the script, Holding ourselves accountable, Ignoring that our apology that has already been accepted, Keeping ourselves in this forced state of guilt, Even after all those involved have moved on.

I allow my guilt to consume me, Wallowing in my self loathing, Punishing all my good will, Eating away at my self conscious, Riddled with all my regret, Still stuck here heavy in my head.

But this is all part of our human experience. We slip up, We say silly things, We do shitty things, Life is unpredictable.

Guilt is just an foolish emotion, Nothing more but our teacher in life, Showing us where we hold our discomfort, Revealing where we don't accept ourselves Demonstrating to us where we carry all our insecurities.

It's time for different. I'm done with punishing myself, I'm tired with the sleepless nights, I'm going mad rewriting the script in my head.

What happened, happened. I cannot turn back time, I can never restore the past, It's impossible to change the outcome.

Today I put an end to being so hard on myself, Today I let go of any judgements I hold, Today I stop putting my integrity on trial. I'm innocent until proven guilty, Being human is my only crime, And I will not feel any guilt about that.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Reflections

I hold up a mirror and I know what I'm going to see, You hold up a mirror for me to see what I cannot see.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Acceptance

Frustration, Anger, Heartache, I can't take this anymore, Wanting to break free.

See me, No, really see me. I want to be authentic with you, I want to be vulnerable with you, I want to connect deeper with you.

You see what you want to see, You hear what you want to hear, You suggest only what you wish for me. But that's not me, That's your expectation of me, That's your judgement of me, That's your projection of fear onto me.

I can no longer play this game, I can no longer unhear your words, I can no longer allow this behaviour to go unspoken, I'm tired. What is stopping you? What is it that you don't want to see? What is it that you don't want to accept about me? Open your heart and answer me.

But of course I like to blame you. It's easy to get angry at you, It's easy to think you're the cause of my unhappiness. But you are just a mirror, You are just a mirror of my doubt, My lack of courage, My lack of commitment, My lack of ownership, That I don't truly back myself, That I don't truly believe in myself, That my faith constantly wavers.

It's hard to break the mould, It's hard to follow your bliss, It's hard to swim against the tide of society. But that's where it is, That's where the truth is, That's where my true authenticity lies, That's where my true acceptance of myself lies, Because to truly accept myself, Is to commit to only accepting my truth.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Regret

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, We love wollowing in regret.

What if this? What if that? What if I could turn back time? Dreaming in a state of dellusion.

Live for today, Live in this moment, Live in the now….. Because this is what has actually happened, And this is what I actually cannot change.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Grief

Held in my lungs, Protecting my heart, Smothering my heart, Wearing this coat of grief.

Can't break free, Can't see the light, Can't see past the hurt, Blinded by the grief.

Everything hurts, Everything is dark, Everything feels doomed, Overwhelmed by the grief.

With time, With forgiveness, With hindsight, Grief loosen its grip.

New stories, New happiness, New adventures, Grief slowly slips away.

Open minded, Open spirit, Open heart, Grief has no place to stay.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Surrender

Stop, Pause, Relax, No resistance, Just surrender.

Trust, You are protected, You are provided for, No harm will happen to you today, Just surrender.

Courage, Relinquish control, Have no expectations, Build the trust within yourself, Just surrender.

Allow, Whatever will be, to be, Receive without judgment, Witness your true authentic self, Just surrender.

Flow, Into the rhythm of life, Without limitations, Receive what's truly yours, Just surrender.

Surrender, Awaken your trust, Own your courage, Open to Allow, Receive from the flow, Just surrender.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Loneliness

It is rare for one to choose to live so isolated. There are people everywhere, Only meters away, Barricaded in their boxes, Guarded in their prisons of fear, Wanting to be left alone, Wanting to be left out of drama, Wanting to be left out of judgement.

Isolation has become the new way of life, The easy way out, than facing my fears. To let someone in, Is to let complication in, Judgement, disapproval & burden, I don't need that from another, I have all that myself.

Instead I replace people with things, Shiny possessions that fill my void, Delicious cuisine that fulfills my pleasure, Strenuous exercise to exhaust me at night. To prove to you I'm doing great in the world, To prove to you I'm not in need of your concern.

But loneliness is a sneaky thing, Creeping in at your lowest moment, Reminding you that your life is empty, That your soul lacks communication, That your soul lacks connection, That your soul lacks completion.