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Guys, this is IMPORTANT!

Is there a FROG KING Meme out there from SUPERNATURAL?!

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~05.09.2017~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANCHOU HANGE ZOË!

"A great mind comes along with great madness. Knowledge isn't salvation, it's damnation."

This is my tribute to one of the greatest character I know. <3

Picture by: @Kiamu.photography

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"Hizamazuke buta domo ga - Kneel down, you pig!"  That one Shitty Brat by: _animemia_ (IG) L by: Nedylasnicky (IG) H by: me xD Pictures by: kami_shelly (IG) and Moozzoomphotography (IG)

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As I told before, we had a Shooting at the beach in Usedom. Here are the first pictures~ :3 Levi by: Nedy LasNicky (FB & IG)

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So we pulled some casual versions of our Levi and Hange Cosplay and decided to go on a date~ 😍😍😍 xD since we traveled to Usedom to swim and have fun, we had a great time together and a great shooting. Those pictures are just selfies, but I think they're pretty beautiful and full of Levihan-Love ❤️❤️❤️ Levi by: Nedy LasNicky (IG and FB) Hange by: Kizumi from Kaleidoskop Cosplay (FB) / Kizumi_and_pumpkin_foxy (IG)

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Derpface incoming 🤣

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It's a vow.

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Wtf?

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Picture by: Funkelfotografie @ Facebook Shion by: Corico_Cosplay @ Facebook Nezumi by: Kizumi Cosplay @ Facebook

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Couldn't sleep this night so I did this :'D

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I forgot to take off the earring... @_@ darn :v    Picture by: Funkelfotografie (Facebook) Shion by: Corico_Cosplay (Facebook) Nezumi by: Kizumi Cosplay (Facebook) [obviously me]

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Hello and ... - a letter to you

[I don’t know why, but I had to write this down, somehow... ò,Ó] 

[TRIGGER WARNING!!!]

When I look back in time, four years exactly, I was happy. It was the first time, when I met you in person. It was summer and I was sitting in this damp hot train on my way to you. Six hours full of waiting, six hours they didn't want to end. At that time, I felt as if my heart would be blown away when you would touch me for the first time. And all I could think of, was the time, when we first encountered eachother. We weren't strangers, more or less. We met in a chatroom, and we were really pissed at each other, because of reasons I don't know anymore, when we wrote together for the first time. But I was enchanted by your picture and so I decided to jump over my own shadow and apologised to you and asked for a recommencement. And you agreed.  I remembered the weeks who followed after our second talk and it was a really nice time. You were so lovely to me, listened to my sorrows and I listened to yours. We talked about tattoos, music, hobbies, fashion and ex girlfriends or boyfriends.  Sometimes, we drew pictures over Paint, just to laugh at ourself, because we really sucked at it. But we didn't care, it was fun and it didn't took long until we made our first phone call. You tried to speak a more or less standard german, but you failed and I still could hear your bavarian accent. You really sounded like a dork, but that was okay, because in some way it was cute. It didn't took long for me, to fell for you and your charm. And it didn't took long for you, to call me >my wifie<. And I really liked the idea of being yours. Some nights, when I couldn't sleep, you called me just to calm me down or tell me, how dear I was to you. And I could sleep, even when I cried seconds before. You even called before we had to go to work and it was always dear to me, how you woke me up just to tell me: >good morning, my wifie. I hope you slept well.<

Even when I lost my job and my hopes because my depression hit me with fullspeed, you cheered me up. And so, I was sitting in this train who took me to you. And the time didn't flew away but it stood still for me. From second to second I grew more and more twitchy and so I played with the seam of my two different colored overknees and my black dress while I read my book. The train rumbled and pressed into the bend and rushed across fields, woods and citys at the way from me to you. With every breath that I took and every heartbeat it pulled me towards you. But the time played some tricks at me and it felt, as if one minute were ten. A strand of my pink hair fell into my face and I played with it, wraped it around my finger to just put it behind my ear. Yeah, I had pink hair at that time, but it suited me well, since I was a young woman within her twenties and I was thin and good looking. A message from you pulled me out of my dreams about you. It wasn't something special, just a simple: >45 minutes to go! Can't wait to hold you in my arms<. I smiled like a dork in love, because I was a dork in love. I wrote back and smiled silently, while I watched the landscape flew by. Still three minutes until my destionation. I was so nervous to met you, that I opened my braids to just remake them. Nervously, I blew my breath through my nosetrills. And we texted again, now nearly every minute how many time still was to go. The train manning announced my destination, finally. And I hurried to get my belongings together and walked through the mass of people to reach the exit. I was hibbling from foot to foot and again, it felt as if time was stretching itself like a bubblegum. One minute to go. Left... right... left...right... Again, I checked my hair in the reflection of the window. Watched the landscape flew by and again jumped from my right foot to my left. Endless seconds later, the railyard came in sight and I was in high mood. But until the train abruptly jerked to a halt, it took several seconds who stretched endlessly, again. The doors opened with a fizzle and a loud clack, but every second went three times by.

I was arrived.

I took a step at the strange mainstation and suddenly I was afraid you wouldn't be there. And so I searched for you. Searched for your face, what was so dear and familiar to me. I searched for the desciption of you, you gave me that day. What you'd wear. How you would look. And then, you were there. You stood there. You, the man I adored for the last months. You, who took all the space in my mind.

I was stunned and so I plucked all my courage and ran the last metre into your arms to hug you, letting go of my luggage who just fell to my ankles and hit the floor. I huddled my face to your chest and suspired your odour. I raised my head to look into your eyes, just to hesistate for seconds, what was born out of my reddened face, to finally kiss you – for the first time. „Hello“

Today, I'm cuddling with my cats and talking to my friends, and I'm smiling like I never did in our relationship. You're no longer a part of my life. I don't want to say, it was your fault that it ended that way. But a huge part goes to your account. I still don't know, where we went wrong. But to be honest, after three years full of tears and trying to save a relationship who simply didn't work, I don't care anymore. My last weeks were full of tears, before I finally left you. Or you left me. I don't know who left who. But I think, that doesn't even matter, because nothing was right between us, anymore. I felt misserable enough. I cried, I screamed and I hid myself between my sheets and pillows. I was so afraid to meet your new girlfriend you took home, three days after we broke up. I was broken. Not that I still loved you. It was, simple said, injured pride. You tried to talk to me. And I was screaming at you, swearing and I was abusive against her. You even took her into our bed while I was sleeping in a spare room, right next to your room. You didn't even care how I felt about that.

I was sad, that it was so easy for you to replace me so easily after telling me, nearly a week before, you're loving me. But I couldn't return your feelings anymore for nearly a year at this time. It wasn't possible for me to just go away. Because you still meant something to me. At some point, I just gave up and decided, for the best, to just leave you. But I couldn't find a flat to live in. It was depressing. And so I had to play the loving girlfriend I wasn't anymore. And then, my world crumbled. I couldn't take it any longer and  decided to sleep alone in that spare room. You screamed at me, I screamed at you. You still demanded me, like always, to be the girlfriend you wanted me to be. But it wasn't possible for me. I never was the perfect girlfriend to you. Because all you needed was a doll, you can throw into a corner if you doesn't need her. And take her, when you have needs that have to be served. But I'm a human being. I have wishes for my future and desires you never cared about. I wanted to marry, I wanted children.

Nothing was dear to you. Not even my health, nor my belongings. And that made me really sick. My therapist talked to me, to leave you for more than two years. That the bruises all over my body wouldn't disappear, even when I would be the doll you wanted me to be. I nearly cried every time I was talking to him. But I couldn't escape that hell you called relationship. I was so wracked of guilt you persuaded into my brain that I believed all what you said.   Still, I was depended on you and I knew it was dangerous. You don't know, how deep my depresion hit me in the time we were together. I can't count the times when I wanted to throw myself into the deepest abyss to just escape you. I nearly cut myself to escape a world you lived in. Noone knew at that moment, what I was thinking. Noone, not even my dearest friends, and I felt so guilty, because I couldn't tell them.

But I survived you.

And then all fell apart in one night. Three days later, I found a flat for myself, you got your girlfriend and it wasn't that long until I could move from bavaria, back to my homeland.

I didn't show up while you were home. I hid myself, packed my belogings together while you were at work, and one day I was gone. I didn't said a word of goodbye to you, and I'm not up to do so. Because, I don't wish you a goodbye. I just wish you: nothing. I don't care about you anymore. You don't matter anymore to me. I'm free, like a Djin who got freed out of his lamp. And I'm smiling like I never did in my entire life before. I don't know how my future will turn out. But I'm more than ever  clear about one thing:

It wasn't my fault. And I'll chase after my dreams, who lay right to my feet, countless. Boundless. I'll never let anyone step at them, again.

„...“

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One of my favorite pictures of our No.6 shooting back in August 2016. Picture by: Funkelfotografie (Facebook) Shion by: Corico_Cosplay (Facebook) Nezumi by: Kizumi Cosplay (Facebook) [obviously me]

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Vomit of feelings – a story about depression

[TRIGGER WARNING!!!]

I’m tired. Even though I could find some more sleep this night. One of a few nights, where I wasn’t hunted from blurred and grotesque faces, throwing me into the deepest abyss to laugh at me. With my last wherewithal I’m fighting against the dull feeling of emptiness and loss of control. The alarm clock, who is still shrilling, annoys me, but I have no strenght to shut it down. I have no feeling inside me, yet. Yet I don’t feel anything, what let me seem to be „alive“.   I’m staring dull at the ceiling, who actually needs to be repainted. But I lack any ambition to do so.

Five more minutes flew by in which I’m still staring. And five more, in which the alarm clock is whining unsophisticately. Mother is knocking at the door, trying to allure me with fresh brewed coffee and sandwiches. But I don’t respond to her. I don’t even really notice it. All is still so grey and  dull and my mind is whirrling around the dream I forgot. I try to remember. Maybe it was something good, at least?

Mother becomes vigorous and how every morning, she opens the door and pulls my blanket away.

„Wake up! Breakfast is ready and you have to go to school!“

While I’m rising up and drag myself to the closet, I’m begining to recall a singsong into my head, which I’m always mumbling when I don’t have my body under control. „Discipline, routine – friends in massive poverty.“ So it’s less difficult for me, to get the entity under control.

I’m heaving myself into the bath, silently, brush my teeth, wash my face and get dressed.

„Discipline, routine – friends in massive poverty.“ I take a short look at myself in the mirror and try to recognise, who’s staring at me from there. Is that really me? I’m looking away and decide, to just ignore this moment. This face makes me angry.

In the kitchen is my breakfast ready. I’m sitting down, and for the sake of mother I take a bite, at least one time.

Mother sits down right in front of me, a bright and cheerful grin on her lips. „Good morning, my dear. Did you sleep well?“ I’m looking at her, but the smile doesn’t reach her eyes. The electricity bill is an heavy burden on her. Last night I could hear her cry, again. Since father left us behind, she’s crying every day. She thinks, I don’t get it, but the walls are so thin in here.

„I’m full“, I say. I can’t eat at all, so I’m just taking my bento from the table and start to go off to school.

Everything around me is loud, so I shut it all down in my head. I put my headphones of my mp3-player in my ears and start to play the music, my gaze directed onto the street.

The terror into my head just rises again. I barely can’t follow the music. The hecticness of the people doesn’t  reach me. Like a zombie I shamble myself along the streets.

„Discipline, routine – friends in massive poverty.“ Again I’m mumbling this singsong to myself. Meanwhile I forgot the sense of this words, but the sound alone let me nearly steer straight.

While class I’m staring through the window, the teacher is in front of the blackboard, but his words doesn’t reach me. After ten minutes of listening to him, my head is full. I can’t follow the lesson anymore. My head will burst if it’s going on this way.

Again I cut off everything around me and let the terror in my head run free, try to arrange anything that´s possible. But as always without any success. There is a war in my head, rampaging, which I don´t understand. Thousands of things are wandering through my head. „Why did father leave us? Was it my fault? Would he be still with my mother, if I weren´t here? If I would die…“ This thought  lingers in my head.“If I would be dead…not here anymore…“

The schoolbell shrills and rips me out of my thoughts. I lean back and  close my eyes, exhausted.“If i wouldn´t be here anymore…“

In my class I am a loner. The other pupil don´t even try to speak to me. They just look and speak behind my back. How pleased I would be to just bomb everything away. „Discipline, routine – friends in massive poverty.“

While my way back from school I visit the playground. I don´t know why, but at this place it´s like all of my burden fall from my shoulders. The sun is going down, all children are at home, yet. It is dangerous here at night, they say. The gangsters hanging around here. I didn´t see anything to prove this until now. And even if, would it be this bad to meet them? A cigarette finds it’s way to my mouth. Mother doesn´t know about this and she wouldn´t be happy about it, if she would know. Just as this she doesn´t know about me drowning my grief in alcohol. The beer in my hand is warm. I don´t drink it to refresh, I drink it to distract myself. I drink it to forget about everything I did in school and everything I wanted to do. My head is hurting again, I close my eyes and think about the bulk of blood running down her face. I couldn´t take control over the terror in my head. Even this senseless singsong lost his power. Accidentally she was in the near. I don´t even know if she said something wrong. She was laughing, bright like a bell, and I blew a fuse. Actually she was beautiful. After this she will have a crooked nose. My fist is drilling in the next best tree, the pain doesn´t even reach my head. Everything is deaf and at the same time everything around me is collapsing. I swear, I scream and I hate me. Again my thoughts rushes in my head. What said the police officer while my interrogation:“ You are a beast. You will never gonna be something.“

This wasn´t the first time I heard something like this. Previously my father said this everytime. Again my fist lands on the tree and meanwhile the first blood is dripping over my fist. The pain, which slowly takes shape in my head, brings me down to earth. I sink down to the ground and let my feelings run free. The tears are streaming like a fast-flowing stream down my cheeks. In my head memories are playing tag and everything threatens to roll over. „If I wouldn´t be there anymore…“ This thought came over me on the schoolroof. Why exactly at this place? The railing isn´t very high in this area and the thought about letting everything behind me was very tempting. But I am a coward. My mother would get in disrepute. She would collapse. I am her only support.

The Bento in my backpack comes to my mind. Why exactly at this time? I’m sitting backwards at the tree stretching out my legs and open my bento. Mother gave her best again. For the first time this day I look up to the sky. The sight is so overwhelming, that I forget all of my sorrows. Everything is feeling better, if you can let your emotions run free. Far away from our society, in which showing your feelings is frowned upon.

The bento mother made is delicious. For the first time I feel something good today.