torturedpoeticsoul

[torturedpoeticsoul]

Speak it to Existence

Ugh, I am just so frustrated, and the worse part is, the only person I have that is 100% in my corner is behind bars. Although, it is due to a wrongful conviction which we are appealing, it doesn't solve my feeling of loneliness. My biggest fear however, though I never say it out loud is, what if he doesn't win the appeal? I mean, there are plenty of ppl in prison that are innocent, and unfortunately, we know what color most of them are.

Sometimes the loneliness, although silent, fucking screams at me, reminding me over and over how I have absolutely no one, smh. I don't even want to talk to my therapist anymore because its via video, and I feel like I can't even speak freely because my house is never empty. I am literally never alone physically, but, emotionally, mentally, and financially, I am on my own.

I am at least able to express myself here, but, even here, I fear someone I know will find me and my words and use them against me. My best friend tends to use my words against me as she tries to reiterate how she is always there for me, and to an extent she is. I know if she has it, then I need not worry, and vice versa. The issue comes in whereas I move with a sense of urgency if she is in need, like will literally drop everything for her. If she is in need and I don't have it, I take it personal and move mountains to get it for her, but, I can't really expect me from someone else right? Because, if I am in need, she will come, but, eventually.

The worse part is, I am not only single, but a single mom and single parent. I differentiate because I always felt like single parent is indicative of there being a pair and thus co-parenting, and a single mom means just me. My younger son has his dad also, although not as much physically as financially, so I know if I can't do something, his dad will. My older son doesn't have his father physically or financially, although he does have him emotionally. His father is incarcerated (not wrongfully convicted but excessively sentenced), but, ironically, his father is more of a presence than the little ones whose father is just always working lol.

I don't know, I guess, i just really really don't know how the hell I got to this point in my life. I mean, I have devoted 20 years to my love for real estate and helped numerous others with their careers to only be completely bankrupt right now. I have given (I think) anything I have to my friends and significant others and family to end up completely alone. I have given numerous rides to those aforementioned, and even let many borrow my car with no complaints of gas, mileage, or maintenance and yet I can't even get a fucking ride to Walmart to pick up the groceries I ordered, Ughhhhhhhhhhhh.

I haven't the slightest clue where my next significant amount of money is coming from (because unemployment doesn't even cover my rent) and yet I have a field trip to pay for, lunch money to give, rent to pay and car to to get out of repossession. Although I have given to help others out of their binds with a smile and no complaints, and here I am wiring to a webpage that only I see just to get it out because not one of those people can even bother to help me.

I'm an adult so I am not bitter because truthfully, it isn't their responsibility, it's mine. I guess I am more hurt, and the truth of it all is just a bit sobering. My mom steps in when she can, but, I still owe her from the last time she helped. Yep, I owe my mom $1500, but, she is at least waiting until i can pay her and doesn't ask for it. However, I am very aware of the fact that I owe her, and she will definitely make sure i don't forget that fact. Never mind that she has given freely to absolutely all of her other children without a need for repayment, but, that has never been an option for me. I always wondered if that was her way of making me stronger or work harder, or, if I really am just an afterthought for her. Sometimes, I feel like I am an afterthought for everybody, except my sons. I mean in the past, when my dad was alive, I would call and talk to him and I could ask him for help. I didn't do it often (for the most part) so he would give it because he knew it took everything in me to ask anyone for for anything.

That's what makes my current situation so bad because if it weren't for my kids, I would rather die than give someone something to hold over me by asking them for help. Here I am, desperate enough to ask and I don't have a fucking soul to even ask smh.

I remember one of the main reasons I likes calling my dad to talk is because he didn't judge, or give unsolicited advice. He just listened intently, and he seemed so interested in everything I told him about my day, even if it was mundane, he would still just listen. Man do I miss that man, so much and even that is something I don't discuss with anyone. His death broke me the most out of everything i have experienced but, the aftermath hurt even more. Afterwards, my mother made sure everyone had a piece of him to remember except for myself and my next sister up from me. We both asked for sentimental things and sat quiet while she gave those things to other people. In fact, the only thing she felt the need to give me was his leftover opiates for my pain. She knows I suffered debilitating mensural cramps and dental issues and would often require prescription meds. Literally does she know, I had finished every single pill within 2 weeks because I used them to numb my heart instead. It's crazy that I never became dependent on them because I do have addictive tendencies, but, when they were gone, they were gone and I never thought about getting replacements. I took them at work, driving around my new city i had just moved to 6 months prior, I stayed awake for days at a time just taking pill after pill to forget my pain.

My father died exactly 1 year, 3 weeks and 1 day after I had my first child alone. I literally mean alone, because my parents had just recently moved to Georgia, my sisters couldn't get to me, and my sons father had gotten locked up when I was pregnant. So, it was just me and the hospital staff, and when they handed me my baby boy, I knew at that moment that I am all I have and all he has in this cold cold world.

So this loneliness is not a new feeling for me, so I have no idea why it is hitting me so hard this time. I thought I had resigned to this back in 2008, so why the fuck am I feeling shocked about it 14 years later? Maybe it's because I am scared, which is not a common feeling for me. I mean, I have a near debilitating fear of bugs, but, to be honest, that's it. I remember when one of my exes held a loaded 9 mil in my mouth and dared me to speak, I faced death at that moment and through teeth tapping the cold steel, I still managed to say "if you're going to kill me, then do it". The sad part is that I meant it, and what scared me more is the fact that I was almost disappointed that he didn't.

The thing that troubles me most with life is that I just want to win at it. I thought I had been doing everything I was supposed to in order to win at it, but here I am, 40, single, flat broke and all the fuck ALONE

[torturedpoeticsoul]

Journey to okay

Hi Guys,

So, I am on week 2 of exercising and I feel generally better and like I may be losing inches and a few pounds. I only weighed myself once, and tbh, I am not ready to again in case its only inches and not pounds. I don't want to deter myself by thinking I am not getting results.

I have good days and bad days with my depression, but, I do stay positive. I finally cleaned the parts of my house that people can see. Yet, isn't that a metaphor for depression? Like we put on smiles and laugh, sometimes socialize and dress up. all that just to hide what we feel, think, and our overall inner turmoil. Like, even as I type, I can't help but think, this is a vail too, in a way. Like, we move always with the thoughts of what people will think. For example, I watch a bunch of True Crime, and so many times when someone goes missing and their loved ones know foul play is involved, the police immediately go to suicide because the person had suffered from depression. Like, if I admit that I have contemplated taking my life at one time, and I go missing tomorrow, the police will tell my family that I offed myself in all likelihood. Oftentimes, people don't realize that contemplating suicide at a low point, doesn't make you suicidal.

Yes, I have had extreme lows, and as a human, my mind has wondered if death is better than struggling with life. Yet, I am not suicidal at all, I am just a thinker, so naturally, I consider every option. I fight every single day to stay alive, and to stay well. If not for me, then for my boys, because they give me life, and I couldn't imagine leaving them.

All in all, today is a good day, even if the kids are home due to inclement weather LOL. I still have another routine of exercise to do later because I am determined to lose weight. I also plan to reorganize my cabinets because they are aggravating my OCD. Annywho, stay well folks!