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THE SEVEN SOLDIERS SAUSAGES Episode 4 of CRWC

CHIVAS REGAL WRITERS CLUB, The loosest storytelling Podcast in all the land, were we don’t let Grammar get in the way of a good yarn.

THE SEVEN SOLDIERS By Sean Conway

The brigade of 7 soldiers socialised in the back of the military truck, these 7 soldiers were highly regarded in the Australian military, they were referred to as the 7 Dwarfs ironical because they all stood over 6 feet tall.

Arriving in town being waved to by a young Aboriginal boy the soldiers waved back as their truck pulled into the Meredith Military Base, and walked into their meeting.

The brash soldiers sat, somewhat confused around the board room table in the pitch black office with the only light source coming from their cigarettes and the projector screen.

The soldiers stood to attention when General Kaufman entered the room “at ease gentleman” he said with a tone that can only be earnt by years of warfare “Everything about this mission is highly confidential, is that understood” yes sir the soldiers responded in unison.

The officers left the meeting trying not to laugh at how ridiculous their upcoming mission was.

“They’re fucking Emu’s right” said Dopey “shut up” said Doc, nothing more was said as the men headed to the Local Pub for a night of drinking.

The men relaxed enjoying their brews joking about the mission that the military was referring to as The Great Emu War. “You’re not allowed in here” the fat bartender screamed to the Aboriginal elder and the young boy who waved to the soldiers earlier that day.

The Aboriginal elder spoke in his native tongue as the young boy translated “you don’t want to go into that bush” the boy translated “they’re not emus they’re not emus” the boy said visually scared at what the elder had said “Alright that’s enough get out” said the fat bartender “shut the fuck up” Doc replied with distain, he turned back to hear what the Elder and the boy had to say but as quickly as they arrived they vanished.

The 7 Dwarfs walked through the bush “what do you think they meant by they’re not emus” Dopey said “Quiet” Doc responded “Come have a look at this” screamed Grumpy. As the group circled the small crater that had what looked like a burnt out rock with a neon green glow peeking out of its crevices. “What is it” Dopey said but before he could get a response Grumpy fired 3 rounds into the rock from his pistol, causing a cloud of gas to spray into Grumpy’s face like a fire hydrant, Grumpy flew back screaming in pain as the gas caused his skin to bubble and his eye to bleed.

As the soldiers tried to help, it was no use as he began to choke on a white foamy vomit that oozed out of his mouth.

The men mourned for their fallen comrade for only a few short moments before they continued with the mission, but as they marched on they heard the rustling of foot steps as they turned around and saw Grumpy staring at them “Grumpy you’re alive” Sleepy said charging to his friend with open arms, Grumpy charged Sleepy viciously biting, ripping and tearing at Sleepy like a rabid dog, Sleepy’s blood curdling screams didn’t last long as Grumpy quickly turned his body into bloody puzzle pieces scattered on the ground. The soldiers watched on in horror as they fired on the mutilated monster that only a few moments ago was their comrade, it took every bullet from every soldier to take down Grumpy draining the men of every piece of ammunition they had.

The soldiers collapsed to the ground in emotional agony as they had lost 2 of their closest alias in only a few short minutes. But the soldiers had no time to mourn, the thunderous firing of their Lewis guns had exposed them to even greater threat, the men were now surrounded and would soon meet a similar fate.

“They’re not emu’s” Dopey said “they’re not emu’s”

THE END

SAUSAGES by Nathan Hull

She stared viciously across the counter, a stare I’ll never forget. Pure terror flowed through me, paralysing my ability to think and talk. I felt my legs turn to jelly my throat so dry it felt as if I’d swallowed razor blades.

The words I’d heard early that morning swirled through my mind “go to the European food market, you will love it,”

I remember being sceptical. All I needed was some snaggers for the Barbie we were throwing later that evening “Bloody ripper sausages at the European food market” the conversation continued to replay in my mind.

I should have listened to my gut and gone to the local supermarket. Taken the safe comfortable option. A pack of 24 BBQ snags and a couple of packs of white bread rolls. But now…now it was to late for that.

The descent into terror was swift. I’d arrived at The European food market optimistic but within seconds that optimism was gone. I accidentally entered through the exit and was hustled back out the door by a cold faced man carrying a whole pig’s carcass. I’d only set one foot in the door but what I saw should have warned me, this was no place for a man of simple desires such as myself.

I re composed myself and walked back in. I was instantly jostled around like a pin ball by a ravenous pack of elderly customers and pushed up to the counter unaware that my ordeal was about to begin.

“What the fucks a liverwaust?” I thought looking for the BBQ meat pack. The lady behind the counters dead eyes making me increasingly uncomfortable. An old lady poked me in the kidneys with an umbrella. “Hurry up or I’m getting the fellas to wrap these up for me” She hissed.

That was it I was in full panic mode. I’m not sure what happened next all I know is eventually I made it out the door holding a pig’s head, a jar of sauerkraut and sporting a vicious looking bite Mark on my ribs. “Fuck this” I sobbed wincing as I touched the bloody wound under my shirt “I’m going to Coles.”

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NEW EPISODE OUT SOON, JUST PUTTING ON THE FINISHING TOUCHES

[totalconway]

Burning Bridges at Christmas...I think

Christmas is by far my favourite time of year! I like all the good will towards man, the spirit of giving, Santa Claus and all that shit. The best part for me is being able to watch Christmas movies and not have to worry about the month I’m watching it in. 

One particular Christmas was special because after less than 2 years of doing Stand Up comedy I was invited to perform at the Sydney Comedy Store for their end of year Christmas shows. This was a huge honour for me because working through the open mic scene in Perth, the feeling amongst the comedians was that being invited to perform at the Sydney Comedy Store was the same as becoming a ‘Made Man’ in a gangster movie, it was the highest honour you could obtain. 

When I got the invitation I was travelling through Port Headland on a 5 week mining tour performing to some of the roughest crowds that I have ever performed for. They weren’t bad crowds, they were just tough and my skill level was not ready to perform for an audience that had just finished a 12 hour shift and just wanted to sit in silence with a few beers and dream of the day they can return home to their families and jet ski’s.

Comedy in my opinion has a lot in common with Shawshank Prison, to get good at it you have to crawl through five football fields of shit and hopefully come out somewhat talented on the other side. At this point in my career I was nowhere it, I was still chiseling through the wall and learning the craft wishing that one day I could get even close to the shit pipes. 

These mining tours however fast tracked my learning and after 2 weeks on the road I learnt that I was well and truly crawling through the shit pipes. Weeks of bombing in front of miners was a depressing experience made even worse by the fact I couldn’t drown my sorrows because all the mine sites we performed at were Mid strength mine sites. Drowning your sorrows with mid strength alcohol is like trying to combat your heroin addiction with milk shakes.

One of the stops of the mining tour was Port Headland. A massive shit hole to most people, for me it was my favourite part of the tour purely for the fact that my Vodafone phone would get reception and I was able to check my missed calls and emails. During our drive through Port Headland my spirits were lifted when I received an email from the Sydney Comedy Store inviting me to perform for their Christmas shows. I was ecstatic and told the guys I was touring with that after this mining tour I would be heading to Sydney to perform at the Comedy Store. In unison they all looked at each other with a look I can only describe as “How the fuck is this guy getting a gig at the Comedy Store”. In reality they probably didn’t give a shit that I would be making $50 a night when they were going to be making thousands of dollars doing cruise ships or whatever they had planned. Whatever they thought I didn’t care, in my mind I was finally going to become a ‘Made Man’.

In the Perth open mic scene, I was best mates with a group of guys who would regularly fly over to Sydney to perform at the Comedy Store. Lucky for me they gave me the inside scoop on what to do when you get there, how to conduct yourself, essentially performing at the Comedy Store has the same rules as performing anywhere “Try not to be shit, and don’t be a cunt” pretty easy rules to follow. Being shit can be subjective but it’s pretty obvious if someone is being a cunt and in most places it won’t be tolerated. The Comedy Store is one of those places. I know a story of a comedian who managed to worm his way in to perform at the Comedy Store and got banned for snapping his fingers at the bar staff trying to get served like he was a Wall Street guy at Hooters. I know the comedian and he’s got that spoilt little rich kid demeanor kinda like Joffery in Game of Thrones except more cunty.

Now a little back story before I get into the next part, when I was starting out the group of friends I hung with would always bust each others balls in the most fake macho bravado way possible. Someone would say “Don’t be shit tonight” and they would respond “I’ll kill you cunt” and they would respond “I’ll bash your whole family”. Writing it out now sounds terrible but that’s how it was and  everyone would always laugh and joke when we did it. I was still new and incredibly naive, I thought I had stumbled across some secret “In” joke that only professional comedians knew and not just a running joke amongst the 10 open mic comedians I would regularly perform with.

I flew over to Sydney with hope in my heart and some ‘insider’ tips on how to fit in with the crew there. I remember one of the main things I was really looking forward to was seeing my name in the big bright lights on the Sydney Comedy Store. The sign that would shine out to let the world know I was a legit comedian worth seeing. I remember walking down the alley trying to act as cool as possible but really feeling giddy with excitement for the moment I’d see my name on that sign for the first time. I remember walking up with my eyes facing down, then I casually took a look up and my name was nowhere to be seen. They hadn’t put my name on the board! It didn’t really upset me but after 5 weeks of bombing on mine sites seeing my name in lights at the Sydney Comedy Store would have been a nice bit of sugar for my ego. 

The reason why my name wasn’t on the board is because I was doing a two week run and unless you’re a superstar they only put your name up for the second week of your run, so I still got my name in lights and got a few happy snaps for the memory book.

One piece of advice I got for when you start out at the Comedy Store was to bring a bottle of Jamieson and some cigarettes to drink with the staff afterwards. The staff at the Comedy Store were the guys you wanted to be hanging with after the show, there was no real professional networking reason for this, they were just cool people to hang out with. So I made sure to bring two bottles of Jamieson and 2 packs of smokes, not only for the staff but also as a sacrifice to the Comedy Gods to let them know I was taking this opportunity seriously. As it turned out it wasn’t a big enough sacrifice because I bombed for 2 weeks straight. I knew it was bad, but it didn’t sink in at how bad it was until the Booker called me after the second or third gig to say that I should just do my Raw Comedy set. I was devastated, I called up my friends in Perth to ask what I should do and they said they didn’t know. They had never received a phone call from a Booker like that before, they also laughed in my face which is always humbling. In their defence I would of done the same thing. 

I decided to put my head down and try to fix what I had, and I managed to turn my shit shows from bad to just kinda bad. 

Despite the shows going badly it was still a worth while experience. I became good mates with the staff and I’m still mates with them today. After every gig we would hang out and drink, smoke and talk shit. The 2 week run was awesome because I became mates with the other comedians as well who were a mix of TV and radio stars and guys who were on the cusp of becoming the next TV and radio stars. 

The biggest name on the line up was staying at the same hotel as me. I was told by everyone he’s the nicest dude in comedy and he’s the sort of dude that would do anything for you, the utmost gentlemen. So I decided to walk back to the hotel with him one night. I don’t know whether it was the Jamieson or the weed but I thought i’m going to let him know that I know the "In” jokes that all comedians know (still blissfully unaware this is just a shitty joke amongst open micers in Perth). So we were walking and chatting and we came across a house party and I turned to him and said “We should go in there”. He said “Why would we do that” and I said “I don’t know, to bash em”. He looked at me like what the fuck are you talking about, but in my mind he’s throwing me lob balls to hit out of the park. Then he said “Dude why would we go in there and bash them”. At this point I’ve finished the joke so him asking me why would we bash them?, felt like he was testing me by taking me into deep water where I’d have to riff my way out, so I said the funniest thing I could think of and I said “because we’re from the streets”. I think the rest of the walk home was probably a lot more awkward for him than it was for me.

We got to the hotel, shook hands and went our separate ways. I didn’t think anything of it until I was in Melbourne a few months later and I was sitting with a group of comedians in the artist bar and he walked in. He went around the table shaking everyone’s hand with a big smile on his face and came to me and  shakes my hand but looks at me like I’m the biggest piece of shit in the world. I’m trying to think if I had bumped into him already at this festival (I may have had a few big nights with one or two blackouts at that festival) and made a cunt of myself. I thought surely he’s not mad at the “We’re from the streets” comment? it was clearly a joke, that couldn’t be it. Then I thought it might have been because I put on such an amateur performance at the Comedy Store but that couldn’t be it either because I saw him shaking hands with comedians who are way shitter than me like that fucking Joffery cunt. So it must have been the “because we’re from the streets” line. (which I find funny) I’ve bombed in rooms where the Booker doesn’t want me back on the line up again but I’ve never bombed a conversation to the point where the person never wanted to see me again (Excluding first dates). 

I haven’t seen him since the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I mean I have seen him he’s fucking everywhere but hopefully we can cross paths again and I can remind him where we come from- The Motherfucking Streets!

I’ve been back to the Comedy Store in Sydney numerous times since and have had some amazing gigs. Once opening for Eddie Ifft and Tony Hinchliffe both from the USA. Even though the staff from the first gig there have moved on to bigger things, I still make a point of bringing a bottle of Jamieson and Cigarettes as my sacrifice to the Comedy Gods and to spread some Christmas cheer no matter what time of year.   

[totalconway]

The Right Kinda Fat Shit

A bit of water went under the bridge between acting in ‘The Unsung Docker’ and my next acting job. In that time I got to open for some big name comedians including Steve-O from Jackass, Doug Stanhope, and Donell Rawlings from Chapelle show.

In that same time I was awarded the ‘Fuck off to Melbourne Award’ at the annual Doustie Awards (The Perth Comedy Scene Awards) but I had already set my sights on a move to Sydney to pursue my comedy dream a little less then 2 years into starting stand up.

So after I packed my things and left my job I headed for the big city lights of Sydney. I had only been to Sydney a handful of times prior to moving there, once to see Danny Green vs Anthony Mundine, the second was to see Jay and Silent Bob Live after their Perth show sold out and the third time was to perform at the Sydney Comedy Store to perform at their Christmas show. It was a huge honour for me so early in my comedy career to be invited to perform at the Sydney Comedy Store as it is arguably the best comedy club in Australia. It felt like I was being presented with a black belt for an art form I was still wrapping my head around. My decision to move to Sydney was made easier by the fact that one of my best mates was heading over as well and we agreed to rent together in the inner west suburb of Petersham.

After working for 10 years on the Docks, manual labor jobs was something I was trying to avoid at all costs so I applied for some weird jobs. Some jobs I didn’t even realise were a thing including a job making sales commission on selling Paralympic Pins. After sitting in the interview and listening to the lady explain in a thousand different ways but never actually saying “You will sell Pins for a commission” I politely declined and hauled my unemployed ass back to Petersham.

After the success of ‘The Unsung Docker’ I was keen to dip my toe in the acting pool again, if only to fill in my days of unemployment creatively. I went searching through the website ‘StarNow’, which is essentially the Craiglists of media work and applied for numerous gigs. Along with the short films and University projects I applied for I also applied to be represented by an acting agent so they could make the job search easier for me. After a few days I received a call about my application and they were super keen to have me on their books which was weird because the only film credit I had was ‘The Unsung Docker’. I’ve always been skeptical of people who are too excited to offer me something because 99.9% of the time its something you don’t want.

I reluctantly agreed to sign with them, I figured if this was a scam they wouldn’t be able to get any money out of me because I’m fucking broke but sure enough a week later true to their word they sent me out for my first audition. The gig was paying $2000 for a days work playing a delivery man for a Tatts Lotto commercial. Being $2000 for a days work I wasn’t exactly confident because I felt you needed to have some serious acting chops to make $2000 a day. In my mind that’s like ‘Home and Away’ money. But sure enough, I went to the audition and for the first of many times in my acting career I was the right kinda fat shit.

I don’t remember much of the commercial, it never made it to air. All I remember was pushing an empty refrigerator box and pretending it was full. My experience in manual labour had given me the skills to be able to look like I work harder than I do so I was able to nail the performance. The only other thing I remember from the shoot was that the little girl in the scene was a spoilt little rich kid and was as annoying as fuck for the whole day. She kinda reminded me of Veruca from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory only she didn’t die chasing golden duck eggs.

When the shoot was done I had to wait a few weeks to get paid and after union fees and my agents cut I ended up only making about $1100 which is less Home and Away money and more regular Delivery Man money.

In between acting jobs I was still hitting up ‘StarNow’ to find independent projects to cut my teeth on. Only two stood out, one was playing a a security guard ( I think my character died in it but I don’t remember) the other was me in a suit watching a chick dance in front of me with a red light filling the room. The scene felt like a cross between a David Lynch film and a soft core porno. I have yet to see either of these films but I’m sure I nailed the fat guy character they were looking for.

During this time, I finally buckled on avoiding manual labour work and got a job at the Airport working for REX Airline which is a small regional airline. One of the most brain numbing jobs I ever experienced, so much so I started regretting not taking that sweet sweet Paralympic Pin money. The REX job was to purely help me pay the bills and it barely did that. My excitement for living in the big city lights of Sydney was starting to dimmer.

During one particular shift I got a call from my agent saying that I had been offered another gig. I didn’t even have to audition I just had to meet the director and see if we “vibed”. I asked my agent why I didn’t have to audition for this film and she blew so much smoke up my ass I felt like I was sitting on top of a volcano. She said “I was the best actor on their books”, “how incredibly talented I was”, and “how I have a big future in acting”. Pretty much saying I was the next Heath Ledger and for a millisecond I actually believed it until I read the character description “Fat, Balding, pale, poor skin etc etc”. The gig was for an anti obesity health campaign and I was like, Fuck that! two seconds ago you were describing me as the next Heath Ledger and now you want me to do a role that is me just being a fatty fat boombardy FUCK THAT. Then she said it was paying $5000 so I agreed to do it. 

We didn’t really need an excuse to party in Petersham so being offered $5000 for an acting job is as good as any. We also had friends over from Perth and what better way to celebrate my thriving acting career than getting drunk with the Perth crew. Partying was not the best decision because I ended sleeping in and had to race to the meet and greet with the director stinking of piss (alcohol and my own) looking super haggard and feeling paranoid I may have flushed $5000 down the toilet. I managed to get to the meeting in time by spending my last few bucks on an Uber, walked into the meeting looking disgusting and smelling like an alley way. I walked in to meet the Director gingerly and feeling a bit embarrassed about the state I was in. Too my surprise though, my night on the piss had helped me become the living embodiment of their ‘Fat piece of shit character’ they wanted for the commercial. So I left the meeting on a high but with no more money, I ended up spending the next 3 hours getting home for round 2 of Partying Perth style.

It actually paid about $10,000 because every year it aired I would get paid another $5000 in roll over cost.

The shoot ended up being 3 days and it was pretty chilled, I literally had one scene with no dialogue. I pretty much just had to sit there and be fat and sad which was surprisingly hard considering the guy directing the commercial was mostly known for working on comedies so we had a lot of banter in those 3 days. The third day of the shoot was my time to shine, I had to sit there and be told how my fat is killing me etc etc. It was the most important shot of the commercial because this is where they drive home the point that Fat is Bad.

There was some tension on this day because the big honchos of NSW Health who were paying for the commercial wanted to sit in and watch and make sure the scene was delivering their Fat is Bad message. So my first thought was what better way to show off my comedy skills in front of the director than to crack a joke during this pivotal scene. When the Doctor said to me “All that toxic fat can lead to blah blah... its not looking good” I turned to my wife in the scene and said in the saddest voice I could “I better lay off the meat pies then”, This popped the tension in the room and got the whole crew laughing. Its not the best joke but it was good enough to send the crew into a giggle fit after a hard couple of days. Everyone was laughing except the producer who came marching down yelling and screaming about having a bit of respect for NSW Health who were there and are taking this very seriously (Fuck off cunt). NSW Health have been paying to fat shame me for 3 fucking days, they can go fuck themselves if they can’t handle one Meat Pie joke. Getting told off made the crew laugh even harder. They struggled like school children being told off at an assembly but once everyone got their composure back we shot the scene and it was a wrap. 

After the fat commercial I felt I was done with acting. Don’t get me wrong acting is a lot of fun but it kinda loses its magic when you’re whole role is sitting their looking fat. 

One of the ways I tried reigniting the spark to do acting was when I came across a ‘Kickstarter’ campaign for Troma’s new film Return to Nuke em High Vol 2. Troma was a big part of my childhood with the toy line Toxic Crusaders which was inspired by the animated series and not the incredibly gory live action movies. With ‘Kickstarter’ campaigns they have rewards depending on the amount of money you donate and for $3500 you could have the legendary Lloyd Kauffman direct a 5 minute short film that I would write. I jumped at the opportunity to buy this reward not only would I be following in the same steps as actors like Kevin Costner, Samuel L Jackson, James Gunn who got their start doing Troma films, but it was a great excuse to head over to New York. 

I purchased this reward which was $3500USD, it was not only all the money I made working on the fat commercial but it was also all of my pay from REX Airline for that fortnight after.( I didn’t take into consideration the exchange rate). I made my investment in 2015 and I finally received the DVD copy and posters at the end of 2019. It was a slow process but definitely looking forward to heading over once this COVID-19 shit is over and done with. I don’t think I’ll use the original script I wrote in 2015 called Love/Life about a guy who develops a relationship with the girl who catfished him, she also happens to be a Banshee.

A few months later I got sent for another audition this time it was a paid short film called The Spa. What was the role? Well Fat delivery man of course! but this one was different, it was an amazing script and I actually had dialogue which is always great. 

I ended up scoring the role of Moose and part of the job requirement was having to do table reads with the other cast members. Still being naive I thought this was a bit of over kill for a short film but if I’m getting paid and it gets me out of a days work so I’m happy to do all the table reads you want. I’m glad they did the table reads because when I went in for the rehearsal I was star struck by the cast. 

After the Fat Commercial I had bitch and moaned to the universe to give me a role that would show I could hold my own against the best of the best and not just a guy whose there for being the right kinda fat. In return the universe slapped me into check when I walked in for the first table read and saw the cast that included Chris Haywood, Jay Laga'aia who have pretty much starred in every great piece of Australian cinema and  Peter Moalaeua who I had seen on a bunch of TV commercials. They say be careful what you wish for and I was definitely worried I had bitten off more than I could chew. It was a dream come true to work with the likes of these actors and also a huge motivator to make sure I could hold my own against these acting beast.

The shoot for The Spa was absolutely amazing, working with some of the most talented actors and crew in the country. Watching Chris Haywood and Jay Laga’aia on set was one of the greatest experiences. Observing them walk around just nailing every take and then joking and laughing with the rest of the crew and doing so with absolutely zero ego.

This reminds me, after the shoot Jay Laga’aia drove me as close as he could to my flat in Petersham and then gave me his $50 Taxi gift voucher to help me get the rest of the way home. It was a crazy experience driving home with Jay because we’re talking about comedy and what not and I’m sitting there like Jay Laga’aia is giving me a lift home, this dude was in fucking Star Wars.  

Working on The Spa was an amazing experience and it is incredibly humbling to sit back and watch the success it has had. Being showcased at film festivals all around the world and picking up numerous awards. 

Acting is a weird industry. I’ve loved all the opportunities I’ve gotten, even the shit ones because sometimes you have to work through the Fat Shit Roles to get the skills to be the Fat Shit you’ve always dreamed of. The right kinda fat shit.

[totalconway]

Drinks at the Pub, ends in short film opportunity...

So a little back story first, I started performing stand up comedy in 2012 and by 2013 I was lucky enough to win the state leg of Australia’s largest open mic competition Triple J RAW Comedy and headed to Melbourne to perform on the ABC.

Following that experience I was given a lot of opportunities to perform support spots purely based on that RAW comedy credit.

One case of this was performing at Rottnest Island for their Rottofest summer comedy which was held every Friday during the summer. Rottnest Island is a hot bed of local and international tourist, and the Island’s Gov’s Tavern where the gig is held would often sell out (120+ People) the crowd was always a mix of high profile people and obnoxious drunks (most of the time both)

On one particular Friday night, I was performing, and not to brag blowing the roof off the joint and in the crowd was none other then the President of my favorite sporting team the Fremantle Dockers Football Club.

At the time, the Fremantle Dockers board was facing backlash from the supporter base because they wanted to move the Dockers training ground from their spiritual home of Fremantle Oval to a state of the art, purpose built training facility in Cockburn (Yes Cock Burn) which is about a 30 minute drive up the road.

So after the gig on Rottnest Island, I get introduced to the president of the Dockers with the intro line “Hey Sean, tell him what you think of the Cockburn move” and you can see his look go from chilled and calm to “I seriously got to deal with this shit on my holiday”. I just told him “I’m pumped for it” and I was, its been a good move for the Dockers and I started reeling off the benefits for the move etc etc. We hung out had a few beers and the whole night I was spun out that I was hanging with the president of the Dockers.

I went back to work on Monday telling people I got to hang out with the President of the Dockers, with a bit of fake bravado swagger to jokingly let them know I only hang with A-Listers now! After a couple of days I didn’t think anything of it and went back to gigging and working.

A few months down the track I get an email from the booker of Rottofest Summer comedy asking if I’d be keen to Star in a short film for the Dockers. Its not paid but if the film is one of three winners of the competition I’d receive one of the tickets to the USA which was up for grabs. Honestly, they had me at “Star in Dockers short film”. 

Apparently the opportunity was between myself and a Perth duo called Henry & Aaron. Henry & Aaron are film makers/comic actors who pretty much went viral on youtube with every film they made (Talking millions and millions of views) and they lost out to my RAW comedy set that had about 12 views purely because I had a few too many beers with the president of the Dockers. 

When I got the call to go meet them about the project I was incredibly nervous. I had a whole pitch prepared about why I was the best candidate for the job “I fucking bleed purple” because I was still thinking I had to audition for the film but essentially I had already been cast in the film. Their only concern was whether or not I could fit in the costume because I’m a big fat dude they had to see if I would be able to squeeze into it. The whole time I was terrified of ripping it because it’s a $3-$4K costume.

Once the costume fit (just) it was straight to work. It was a great project to work on because they gave me a lot of creative control of my character, and I really wanted to portray a David Brent (The Office) like character, like a really fat black sheep in a white herd.

So we started filming in September of 2013, just after the Dockers had beaten Geelong in an away game in the first week of the finals. So the Dockers had a weeks break before they played Sydney in Fremantle’s first home preliminary final in two weeks time. This was a huge moment for the club because If we win this it will be the first Grand Final the Dockers have ever been in. 

The first day of shooting was super intimidating, not because I was meeting some of my football idols but because the night before the first day of shooting I watched a documentary called Catching Hell about the Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman who was blamed for the Chicago Cubs not winning a game that would of sent them to the world series. Not the best film to watch when you’re about to work with you’re sporting idols on the eve of the biggest game in the clubs history. To say it made me super paranoid the whole shoot is an understatement, and it didn’t help that the first shot of the day was with the Dockers marquee player Matthew Pavlich. The scene was me jumping on his back, FUCK RIGHT OFF. I’m twice the size of Pavlich and you’re dreaming if you think I’m jumping on his back. If you watch the scene I take the “mark” and I’m nowhere near Pavlich.

It was a great shoot because everything was time sensitive, the players had their other appointments so we literally only had 10 minutes for each shot with the players so we flew through the script. 

I got to meet a lot of the players I was fans of like Ryan Crowley, Nat fyfe, I didn’t get to meet Michael Walters but the scene he’s in, my fat is hanging out of my footy jersey and I did hear him say to David Mundy “That dude looks like a bag of oranges” which was funny, but Ideally I would of preferred he made the joke to me so I could of gained a fan when I busted his balls back, but unfortunately it wasn’t to be.

The last shot of the film was me gate crashing a press conference with Michael Barlow . Barlow did the interview and the CEO at the time did a big speech thanking the media for their support throughout the year and if they wouldn’t mind hanging around for 10 minutes so we could get our last shot. We smashed out the shot in 2 takes, boom we’re finished, I’m told not to tell anyone about the film until it airs the following week, easy enough right.

Wrong, the next day I’m back at work and people are looking at me like I’m the biggest piece of shit in the world, because one of the media outlets had filmed me gate crashing the Michael Barlow press conference, and passed it off like I was genuinely gate crashing the press conference. 

I had to tell people it was for a film which didn’t help the situation because they thought because I do comedy it must have been some Jackass type movie I was doing. It also didn’t help the situation that Radio talk back shows were crucifying me saying how unfunny I was and how big of a dickhead I was for gate crashing the Barlow press conference, but I didn’t care too much because I knew the film was coming out the following week. It didn’t stop my Mum and my sister writing a long scathing letter to the radio station about how they should do their research before they try to shame their baby boy on the radio. Luckily I was able to stop them from sending it out.

The film came out the following week as well as the entries for the other films that we were competing against, the winners would be based on who had the most likes, shares and views. The first film we were up against was by the St Kilda Saints who managed to get Eric Bana to star in their film, it still makes me chuffed to think I starred in a film that went head to head with an Eric Bana film. The second film was by the Melbourne Demons which was a documentary about a child fan who was very sick, third place was us, and the rest of the films were Essendon Bombers which was fucking terrible and a few other teams who I can’t remember.

The film was released the night the Fremantle Dockers played Sydney Swans in a game which would determine who would be playing Hawthorn in the grand final the following week. Literally the clubs biggest game in their history at that point so the game was sold out and 50,000 people got to see me make an ass out of myself and it was humbling how much the Dockers supporters loved it.                     But more importantly the Dockers smashed the Swans and were headed for their first ever Grand Final.

Being the Dockers fan I am, there was no chance in hell we were missing out on seeing the Dockers play in their first Grand Final. I had cousin’s overseas who cut their holiday short to make it back in time for the Grand Final. It was such an amazing experience heading over for the grand final, and thanks to the film I was a bit of a star amongst Dockers supporters. I was flying over with my dad and at the same time One Direction were flying in and all these young preteen girls were waiting for them with signs and screaming for One Direction. I’m chilling with my dad waiting to board our flight and a family of Dockers fans came over and asked for a photo. All of these young preteen girls were looking at me with a confused look on their face wondering who I was and while they were distracted by me, One Direction walked past the crowd of fans with out any of them noticing.

The morning after we arrived in Melbourne we went straight to the Grand Final Parade which is one of the biggest events of the AFL Grand Final week. All the fans line the street to watch the two competing teams drive through the streets of Melbourne and ends with a big speech on the government steps and the captains of each club holding the trophy in front of their screaming fans. When the event finished all the Dockers fans turned to walk away and saw me in the street. Everyone stopped to shake my hand and to get photos, treating me like a full blown celebrity, even a girl who I had a crush on in High school asked me for a photo and I got to experience all this with my family watching. It was a very surreal and amazing experience to say the least.

The next day was the Grand Final, all the Dockers fans met at Federation Square before the game so we could march to the Melbourne Cricket Ground like soldiers marching to war. It was a sight that Melbourne people have never seen by an interstate club, which made me incredibly proud to be a Dockers fan. Being apart of the film, Dockers fans continued to stop and cheer me as we all marched to the MCG. 

When we got to the MCG I was starting to get anxious for the game, my cousins could see me becoming more anxious, which is why they started screaming out "Look it’s the Unsung Docker” every 5 minutes. I had Dockers fans lining up to get a photo with me and then Hawthorn supporters and famous AFL commentators would walk past with a look on their face like “Who the fuck is this guy”

The Dockers ended up losing the Grand Final and we headed to the Dockers after party which felt more like a wake. After the Dockers lost the game I also found out that we also finished fourth in the film competition behind the Essendon Bombers who got the fucking Janoskians to pump out their film amongst their fans and got their views up with comments like “I’m only here because I like the Janoskians” (I’m still bitter about it). In one afternoon I managed to see my favourite team lose the ultimate prize and have my payment for the film pinched from me by some shit head kids, it was a rough way to end what was otherwise a truly amazing experience.

I wasn’t too disappointed though, the film helped me get an acting agent in Sydney which has lead to some amazing acting opportunities. I’ll share some more stories down the track. The Dockers unfortunately haven’t made it to another Grand Final since 2013, but hopefully one day I’m at the right bar at the right time to have a drink with the new president of the Dockers and we can get the wheels moving on The Unsung Docker 2