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[tran-wreckk]

[tran-wreckk]

[tran-wreckk]

A little about myself,

I have a straight older brother and a trans younger brother, I myself am transitioning FTM and loving it (now). I came out as “lesbian” when I was 17 and had what I thought was my first girlfriend. My “coming out” was getting caught making out in the girls bathroom by a girl from my church at the time, and by the next class the whole damn school knew about it. it wasn’t as popular to be gay back in 2008, and slowly became “hot” to be a lesbian. But there was really only, socially, gay, lesbian, and bi. At the time it was so looked down at if you were bi, which is so messed up, but really pressured people to make a choice between the 3.

I grew up Morman. I loved it growing up, mostly because it was all I knew, but also becazuse everyone was pretty nice. That obviously changed as I got older. I was super crazy shy as a kid and I remember not wanting to go to any Sunday school classes which in church so I hung out with my mom for most of it. A lot of that stemmed from insecurities. First off, I was in a freakin dress, (that took at leaste an hour of fighting with my mom in order for her to get me to wear it.) After getting caught in the bathroom at school, I was approached by our “higher council”, the bishop. At this time, the bishop was really intense (they alternate every five years), not many people liked him. He pulled me into his office, (just him and myself- hate it-f*ck patriarchy) he asked me if I had “relations” with women. (At this time, you have to realize that they taught us that the bishop “knows all” so I truly thought he would know if I lied). I answered honestly, “yeah.” If that wasn’t bad enough, he asked me to go into detail about how much “relation” I have had with women. Not cool but I continued. He answered with telling me how much of an offense this is and how we would need to have meetings with the “higher council” and counseling with the as well. Naturally after this meeting, church was the biggest source of anxiety for me. I started cutting myself and not knowing where all of this darkness came from but I had so much confusion and hate for myself.

I was stubborn, so I kept dating her, but had such a whirlwind of overwhelming, unnecessary guilt inside of me. “Rebelling” felt good, but then Sunday came around. I couldn’t stay seated for longer than 30 min in that church. I would get up, leave, and take it out on myself- again and again. My parents didn’t know how to handle it. My dad had just joined the church I’m, ironically, and my mom was/is the music director. I stopped going for a few years. Continued the self abuse for years as well. It was terrible- all of the sudden my school nurse pulled me out of class to “check up” on my cuts on my arm. It was so embarrassing and I could feel myself completely “check out” everything time. (The Zoloft didn’t help with that shit either).

Over time the self abuse turned into drug use. Anything to get the f*ck out of that town, even if my body srayed, at least my mind could have a break. Drinking at school, smoking in between classes and tripping on some weekends. School became a game, my life became a game. I always assumed I would die young, either by recklessness or by suicide. I was so drawn to suicide through high school and even after, I couldn’t think of anything bigger than that in order to translate the pain and confusion I was going through. I obviously never went through with it, but had multiple attempts.

As many others, I wasn’t really taught how to communicate my feelings or ask for help. The drugs came and went, especially when I was caught with weed and overcharged with ridiculous costs that stole my savings away as a fresh 18 yr old. (F*ck charges for weed- it’s rediculous). I was also in a new friend group constantly. I liked having friends but I never liked having people too close to me. I didn’t even want to be too close to me.

I went to school for being an audio engineer; doing music has been the most consistent consistent outlet and art for me. I have taught myself multiple instruments and have experience in all of them as well as song writing. I love it, and I have such a good time with it. After school, I ended up in Iowa. (That’s a whole different post). I went to cosmetology school after that and loved it. It was a school full of girls - why wouldn’t I. I was pretty lost still and ended up dating 3 girls in the period of one year.. wild times.

Long story short- coming out was one thing, but figuring out I was trans was another. I ran from it for so long. After becoming a hairdresser and still playing drums for a band, I got into cocaine. It was my new regulated escape. I treated it as something to help me focus and after about 2 weeks of doing that, I was stuck. I wanted to outsmart it and honesty thought I could. I never really was growing up with passive parents and the morman church, you just don’t speak of things that cause real problems.

Cocaine took everything from me. My friends, my job towards the end of it, my car, and my housing situation. I was staying with two different girls after almost a year of using just to get by, and neither of them knew about each other. Pretty shitty right? That’s what drugs will do to you - twist things up to make them seem like you’re not taking advantage of people, but you are. This lasted for almost 2 years until I literally had only myself and my motorcycle (that I got into a couple wrecks on from being on coke and thinking i was invincible- turns out cars win when you go up against them; (I’m very lucky to be in good shape physically even after the wrecks *prayer hands*). It all came down to basic human needs at that point - somewhere to sleep, food, and sex. I felt like I had it all in the palm of my hand while actually having nothing. It causes a lot of delusion, easily. It came down to a decision one day, the Universe/higher power spoke to me- I could either keep up what I was doing and would die really soon, or I could make the confident decision to truly stop and I could have “everything I ever need”. I kid you not, it was right after I truly made the decision when I met the most amazing girl I have ever and will ever meet, who I am now married to and will spend my life with. I felt like a little over a year ago is when my life truly began.

When we first met, she told me she thought I was trans. I told her “nahh its not my thing” (brushing it off and trying to avoid my truth once again). You can only avoid your truth for so long, this was my restart of my life, I looked at life completely differently all of the sudden. All of the sudden, for the first time in my life I didn’t have the desire to die. When we got married, I was officially Excommunicated from the Morman church- this stung because the new bishop was amazing, but there is no changing the church, and now there is no changing who I am. I am me and the church is its own thing. It’s different and weird now because my parents still attend, but I finally have my own identity and for once I do not feel guilty for who I am. I finally have REAL self-esteem, not “them-esteem”.

[tran-wreckk]

Hell yes-

If you’re trans, or even look like you are a part of the LGBTQ+ community, then you know how hard, difficult, annoying, frustrating, etc it is to go into the f*cking bathroom, and not only that but then (for transguys) if there aren’t any stalls open, or if you do not own a STP packer, you feel shit outta luck. If you’re like me, you’ll accept defeat and off to find the next available bathroom. As human beings, we should never have to “accept our defeat”, and as TRANSMEN we should never have to deprive ourselves a natural human function. 

I currently live in the South-East.. so for me from when I was about 18 up until the past few months of transitioning (I’m at 8 months on T and 28yrs old) using the bathroom was one of my biggest anxieties of my day. I would hold it, and sometimes Honestly end up peeing outside of my car in the past. It sucked and I felt crazy; but it was better than watching women walk out of the bathroom after seeing me and double checking that THEY were in the correct bathroom. The best was their faces as they came back in realizing they were. (And obviously bitch, there are no urinals in the womens bathroom). 

I found an awesome STP packer because I’m freakin over that shit. It’s honesty awesome, so easy, easy to clean, comfortable for the most part, and not to mention the euphoria is unreal. 

TBH I used mine for the first time at a bar, so to say the least I was buzzed an probably enjoyed it more than I should but F*k it - it was great.   (Chat with me if you have questions about brands/etc or other options.)

There are dangers to “holding it”, such as UTI’s eventually leading to kidney infections

[tran-wreckk]

tranwreck.

This is a blog for and about trans guys, and my experiences that have come along with being trans. I call it a tranwreck, simply because as beautiful as transitioning is and has been, it can be pretty damn crazy. Videos are on the way!