trans-gnome

[trans-gnome]

2 months post op.

Alright so, 2 months post op! it feels like both a long time and not a long time at all.

Overall, I feel good. I’m not sure “normal” is the right word, at ease might be a better way to put it. To be honest I don’t spend a great deal of time thinking about my chest and maybe that’s the point, that it’s not constantly on my mind anymore. I used to get such a horrible jarring feeling that made me feel quite nauseated before this revision whereas now it’s just like, how it should be. My body just feels right.

That’s not to say my body image is amazing, I’m still struggling with my body fat % which is hovering at 18-20 (my goal is 14%), I’m still feeling a little meh about my belly fat and “meh” about how much upper body muscle definition I have, but what is certain is I no longer have chest dysphoria. Although my body image is average at best all of the things that niggle at me are things that I can improve myself, the same could not have been said for my pre-revision chest. I’ve already started: since I had surgery, I’ve dropped 4lbs and have regained most of my previous muscle mass through weight training, walking a bunch and weekly swimming. I feel so much better for it! The ability to finally shape my body without having 2 bags of unchanging flesh on my chest has massively improved my sense of empowerment and wellbeing.

Now that I’ve gotten my little wellbeing check in out of the way I’ll get onto recovery/results, there’s also some less flatteringly lit detail photos of my chest and scars at the bottom of this post for informational purposes

Appearance & sensation:

I’m happy with how it’s going, the swelling has gone down enough to be able to see how my chest contours looks, It’s really nicely done and I can see how the scars will sit nicely under my pecs as they settle and as I increase my upper body musculature over the next couple of years. The scars themselves are light pink, flat and soft along most of the length apart from a couple of bumpy patches here and there. They are already fading well, I am very lucky in that my scars fade fast to faint pink/white; I understand that not everyone has that experience which is perfectly okay.

My nips have healed amazingly well considering that this was my second op. I’m pleased with the size and shape, the scars around them are thin and not very visible at all. There has been a little unevenness in pigmentation of the grafts but nothing that looks too obvious. I have slight sensation in my right nipple, mostly just protective/pressure however my left nipple is completely numb which isn’t surprising given my hematoma was around the left nipple and I got a little necrosis on the tip. My right nipple responds to cold or touch stimulus, but my left nipple is a bit lazy so just stays pretty much flat.

I have 2 tiny dog ears which hopefully won’t need revision, I’ll have to wait and see how the skin tightens as I lose weight because the mostly seem to be a result of underarm fat. 

Hematoma healing/general swelling:

The middle of my chest is still a tiny bit puffy. I can’t quite tell if it’s just fat or swelling based on the shape I’d say a bit of both! My surgeon doesn’t like to take out so much fat that the skin looks too tight so she left a little fat under the skin to keep it looking natural so my chest is a little soft, but again I’m fine with that because it really does look natural. The hematoma bruise is now totally gone apart from very slight discolouration under my left scar which almost looks like a patch of tanned skin. The hematoma swelling is also gone aside from a small firmish/squishy-ish patch just below my left scar in the same place as the skin discolouration. I think this will go away but is just taking its sweet time. I have no pain now at all aside from a tiny bit of soreness on the outer edge of my left pec or if I belly flop down on the sofa too hard like a dope.

[trans-gnome]

6 weeks post op

6 weeks, finally full gym and activity clearance aside from overhead lifts! 

I’m very happy with my result. a couple of niggles where some bits of tissue are bothering me which I covered last week, no change there atm which is to be expected. The contours are starting to settle in now as the swelling continues to go down. I am now 100% scab and stitch free, huge relief. I’m feeling almost healed now. There is just one little pocket of swelling that needs to hurry up and absorb and then I’ll be feeling much more on form. 

Mobility/range of motion is fully returned in my right arm and shoulder, still a little stiff in my left shoulder but mobility exercises seem to be helping to loosen things up. 

Scars: 

Scars are looking extremely good for 6 weeks post op. They are mostly soft and flat apart from at the middle of my chest and the very ends just by my armpits where they are a little firmer and raised, the ends of my scars also still get a little sore. They are a pinkish colour with some areas that look a little purple which is normal for me. I’ve been wearing my scar tape in bed at night and when I’m out jogging/at the gym. I’m not 24/7 with it because my skin gets a little upset, like really white when a plaster has been on if I wear them for too long. They seem to be doing the trick though, my scars seem to be lightening way fast than after my last op when I did no scar aftercare at all. I’m optimistic that they will fade well. My nipples looks excellent, all the scabs fell off to reveal very healthy well pigmented skin. There’s a little bit of pigment loss in patches but it doesn’t look too weird. 

Now that I’m fully cleared for the gym & swimming i’ll be getting back into it from tomorrow and will keep you posted on how it goes.

Overall I feel good, I’m still getting used to how things look and feel but at the same time it’s almost as though I’ve never looked any different. 

[trans-gnome]

5 weeks post op

Not much to report this week. Healing has gotten past the tough phase to just waiting for the last few niggles to dissipate. 

Everything looks like it’s healing up well. Scabs almost gone from my left nip. Any pain I get seems to be when a stitch is trying to leave my body. one was causing horrible burning pain yesterday til I tweezed it out, it just looked like a long clear splinter. There’s a few around my nipples that look as though they will do the same thing. 

Hematoma still slowly clearing itself, the swelling is all soft now and the bruises are a faint yellow which are both signs that my body has almost finished breaking it down. 

How I’m feeling about the result: 

So first off, it is too early to tell how things turned out. Last time I had top surgery it took a year or so for things to settle into their final shape. But my impression so far is that things have gone incredibly well, especially considering the difficult landscape my surgeon had to work with. The right side is pretty much perfect already. 

The left side as you can see has come out a little less perfect, my scar looks kind of “bent” from where the swelling is so I think it’s likely to straighten out a little with time, but even if it stays bent that’s no big because my scars heal to a very faint white so you won’t be able to see it all that much in a couple of years. It also looks like there was a little more fat left in on my left side, but again its hard to tell how much of that will flatten down as the swelling goes. If not it might be something I’d get revised in the future if settling and fat loss/muscle gain don’t get rid of it. In the pic below you can clearly see the kind of “blobs” of fat that are causing a bit of what I would call overhang rather than dog ear: 

The blobby bit by my armpit essentially follows the line of my old scar which was always a problem area for overhanging tissue, looks like that spot was missed in my revision, which is cool because they got most of it out and if it does need a small extra op to take it out then a little lipo should sort it out which is no big deal. 

Overall I feel really good, I’ve gotten back to the gym to do cardio and rehab work with some light lifting which has made me feel much more like myself. Still going for long walks as often as I can and from around 6 weeks post op I’m going to start cutting fat to prep for getting in shape to maximise my results (and also just to look and feel healthy in general!). 

Quite silicone tape/scar care note: 

The tape is working amazingly, I’ve had to stretching evne though I’m almost back to normal activity including very light chest and shoulder work in the gym (no overhead lighting though). They already feel flatter and softer since using the tape. I’ve also been massaging my scars chest and nipples with dream cream from Lush which also seems to be helping to keep things soft and hydrated, the skin peeling has totally stopped now which is awesome cause it was pretty gross. 

[trans-gnome]

Scar strips seem to be helping, as well as moisturising with an oat based cream. Scars are getting nice and smooth already!

[trans-gnome]

1 Month Post op

Things keep improving a little every day. I’m getting my range of motion and strength back but trying not to push it. Was able to do some light gardening on Sunday, just planting out some flowers etc.  There’s no pain at all now but it does feel “tight” if I’ve been quite active.

I can finally stand upright and sleep flat on my back rather than being propped up and can sleep on my back. 

As far as the clinical side of things goes: 

(details photos at the bottom of the post)

Incisions: both are fully closed and the scars are forming properly now. The right side is smooth and pink with a little bit of skin peeling around it which is normal. On Sunday I got a little zit on it from an ingrown hair which popped, it’s closed up again and I just made sure that I cleaned it to prevent infection.  

Nipples: 

They are both pink and healthy. There’s some odd stuff happening with the pigment where some areas are darker pink than others. Right nip seems like is healed except the stitches still haven’t fallen out. On the left there is still an area of eschar underneath which it looks like the skin is rebuilding. Stitches still haven’t fallen out of either nip which is slightly irritating now cause I would like it to start looking a bit more finished! The edges of the nipples have adhered to the skin around them and nice scars have formed which has made me feel much more secure. 

Swelling & hematoma: 

There’s still a tiny amount of puffiness on the right side which is going down gradually, at this point it’s barely noticeable. The left side, which has the hematoma, has gotten much better, the bruising has lightened significantly and the tissue has softened. It’s a lot less swollen though still a bit raised, based on the progress so far, I’m confident that it’ll start to look and feel more healed by week 6-8. 

My brain: 

I feel so much better in my self, I got a nice haircut and have been going out a lot more for walks and coffee with friends and doing things around the house. Next week I plan to get a bit more back into the swing of things, I have some meetings on campus, I’m gonna go get my T shot and have planned in some time to get some creative practice done for a project. I’m also heading back to the gym this afternoon to start doing some light cardio and build a recovery program with one of the PTs. I still get moments when I wished I was healed and back to full strength or where I feel low because it doesn’t look/feel finished yet. But on the whole I feel positive and excited about going forward. It feels like I’m over the worst of it and like I can start living my life again. 

Close up under the cut with scar strips on:

[trans-gnome]

3 week update

So, I went up to Manchester last Thursday and finally had my post op dressings removed. See my previous post for a run down of that. 

I’ve been cleared to stop wearing dressings now (wooo!) except for my left nipple which needs to stay covered until my current dressing falls off. Everything seems to be healing up well, my nipples are pink and healthy aside form a few scabby bits and the stitches are still dissolving. The scars are pink and are starting to lose their scabs. The left side is still pretty swollen and bruised with some darkish scabs but its finally stopped oozing which is a big plus!

(Close up under the cut)

[trans-gnome]

Frustrated and bored

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to be post revision but dear lord. I feel so bored of not being able to be active. I hate feeling weak and incapable because so much of my sense of self is bound up with being a "strong masc", problematic as that is.

I've spent a long time waiting until my chest was fixed to get me to the point where working out won't give me crippling anxiety and dysphoria and now I'm sat around waiting to heal.

For context, in the run up to my original op I started to get in really good shape, but the poor result sapped all motivation because it was something that getting pecs couldn't fix.

Now I am brimming with motivation and restlessness but right now, the sofa has become my den. I've been going on walks and trying to stretch my lower body but I get tired so quickly.

It's extremely frustrating. I know it will pass but eeuuuurrgghh.

[trans-gnome]

The Reveal

So, after the big bloodbath I went to A&E (The ER for my american friends) and they put a huge pressure dressing over my whole chest which basically functioned as a binder to keep everything protected until today. 

I then hobbled up to Manchester to get everything looked at. When I was around 5 minutes away from the hospital my Surgeon called me to make sure I was almost there and that I was okay. As soon as I arrived she bustled in and looked very maternal! She made me feel very safe and looked after. whipped off the dressings and had a good look. 

She said that after seeing the photos of how much blood there was she was worried, but that actually things looked really great in person! (huge sigh of relief). She concluded that I have a hematoma, possibly as a result of the amount of scar tissue they had to scrape out, that suddenly decided to start draining manky old blood everywhere. The drainage has now almost totally stopped. My nipples are healthy and pink with excellent blood supply apart from one small patch on the left one where its blood supply was restricted a little due to the hematoma but she’s confident that it will recover just fine. 

(more info & pics below the cut)

It honestly looks better that I ever imagined and my nipples are so small!!! Which is such a joy after having 1.5 inch wide nips for the past 4 years. I have a feeling that I’m going to have pretty thin scars, I am very lucky in that I heal well, my previous scars were barely visible after 6 months. I have a very small flap of excess skin on the left side around half an inch long right near my armpit that might need a small revision but in the grand scheme of things that’s nothing to worry about. 

I’ve been given a course of anti-biotics and some absorbant dressings to catch any remaining drainage. Overall. I’m pretty chuffed! 

Pics below: 

(Pics taken immediately after dressing removal, before the wounds were cleaned. you can see the dark spot on my nipple closest to the tattoo, the hematoma bruising and the little overflap of skin right by my armpit. Overall I’m very pleased)

(Aquacel foam dressing to absorb goop, two small gauze dressings to continue protecting grafts and one other small gauze where the cleaning causes a little bleeder to show up on my incision but I’ve take that one off now. 

[trans-gnome]

I have another bleed :(

So, I might have previously mentioned that I suspected that I have a hematoma on my left side. Not a huge on but still. Well I think that was confirmed today. Around 3 hours ago after walking to the shops I started getting very dark blood oozing through my dressing out of my incision. This is a pretty typical presentation of hematoma drainage through a small incision tear. The tear may have happened while walking of getting dressed or even opening my front door. 

Photos below the cut:

Photo shows the area where the bleed has occurred, which is the dark blob. And the drawn areas show where the firm swelling is which may be a hematoma. 

2 hours later, I’ve phoned NHS111 and am waiting for a nurse to get back to me. 

[trans-gnome]

Top Surgery Revision 2 weeks

I can wear T-Shirts!! 

Things have been going really well this week. The pain, tightness and swelling have been noticeably improving every day. My energy is increasing and I’m almost 100% self sufficient aside from reaching for things on high shelves and lifting heavy stuff. 

I haven’t included a chest photo this week because well..there’s nothing new to see because my dressings are still on until Thursday!

I’ll try to organise the information to keep it efficient: 

Physical: 

I’m not taking any pain meds at this point, not to be a macho twat but because the pain is literally gone. I only have slight discomfort when I’m walking because of tightness and a feeling of heaviness on my left side where the bleed was and a rogue stitch that has been getting sore but otherwise all good. 

My range of motion is increasing. I can get my arms out to the side to roughly 70 degrees, I wouldn’t want to try going higher than that at the moment. 

I went out for a long picnic and to the pub with friends on Friday which was really nice, I didn’t feel tired or in pain but I did feel it through a significant drop in energy the next day when I spent most of the afternoon napping. 

Mental/Emotional: 

It’s been more positive than negative. I have been feeling really chill most of the time and have just been trying to occupy myself to relieve boredom. There are times when I have been getting very frustrated and impatient with my physical limitations and low overall energy because I really just want to get on with building up muscle/losing fat; going out and doing summer activities and so on. But obviously I’m healing so not able to do any of that yet. I keep having to remind myself that I’m only just 2 weeks post op and am doing extremely well at such an early stage in my recovery. 

Dressings: 

Still there, still sweaty. Most of the time I barely notice them but it is starting to get itchy, gross and annoying. I had to cut through the middle of the dressings earlier in the week because I was getting soreness and the skin very red and hot on one side so I went to get it checked out for infection and the doc needed to look under the edge of a dressings (it was fine). But this now means that not only do I have icky sticky dressings but I have an ever increasing collage of micro-pore in the centre of my chest holding the edges of my dressings in place. I am *very* much looking forward to all this being removed so that: 

1. I can finally see my results and 

2. So that my skin can BREATHE a little more freely in the heat.  

Summary: 

I feel good, I feel strong. This has been a super easy recovery so far, even with the horrible travelling between cities. I’m looking forward to things continuing to improve over the coming weeks and months once my dressings come off later in the week 

[trans-gnome]

It’s okay to be binary.

It’s not okay to force the binary onto those who aren’t.

[trans-gnome]

A purchase has been made

I bought some minoxidil. My beard growth isn't "bad", it's mostly there but still a little wispy and patchy in parts. I gave my body as long as possible to do its thing. I've been on T for 8 years and it did continue to thicken and spread right up until about a year ago but seems to have finally decided that this is what it can manage.

So I'm giving the minox thing a try. I got a 3 month supply. If it works i'll let you know!

[trans-gnome]

I’m so glad this is a thing..that not only I do.

I wish I was an artist because I would like to make sculptures using post-transition men’s bodies as a reference but without saying that these are the bodies of trans men. I would so much like to see art of bodies like mine without being told it is an exception, sold as different or marketed as subversive. I fucking love those greek statues with small dicks because I can sort of see my body in that. Do I even make sense? Probably not. I have been looking at small penises for hours now.

[trans-gnome]

Update!!!! June 2019

Switch back to Nebido: January 2018

Consultation with Dabritz: April 2018

Funding approved and official referal to Manchester Team made Pluse referal for lower surgery consult & second opinion: October 2018

Pre-op with Manchester Team: February 2019

Consult with Lower Surgery Team: April 2019

Consult with GIC to send Hysto referal: May 2019

Revision with Miss Williams at the Manchester Team: June 2019

Still to come: 

Hysterectomy at a local Hospital within the next year

Second opinion for Lower surgery in the next 6 months (I have delayed this while I recover from Top Surgery. 

Metoidioplasty with Mr Christopher to begin within the next 18 months to 2 years. 

Transition timeline so far.(NHS)

So my kindle can’t do tumblr properly so I’m gonna put this into a page/category later: 

Coming out: May 2009

Name & documents change: November 2009

1st GIC appointment: November 2010

Testosterone (injectible): May 2011

Unplanned discharge from GIC: February 2012 >:[

Consult with surgeon: November 2012

Top Surgery: July 2013 (Caty Milroy)

Switch from injection to gel: January 2016

1st Appointment with new GIC: October 2017

Consultation with Miss Dabritz: April 2018 (Hopefully soon)

[trans-gnome]

Top Surgery Revision Recovery 1 week

Left: Post Peri with Milroy 2013  Right: post revision with Miss Williams 2019

1 week post op update: 

Recovery is going well The blood on my dressings is totally dry and happened while I was still in hospital overnight. 

My chest is still tight and the shape looks amazing. I have bruising and swelling on the side where my drain bled/possibly got blocked but it isn’t getting any worse. The Manchester team leave the dressings on and they aren’t changed or removed until the 2 week follow up appointment on 27/06/19. 

What has happened this week: 

I stayed at my friend’s house on Tuesday night which was good, I slept upright and my neck pillow once again proved its worth. I then got a cab up to the hospital to have my drains removed. There was a mix up with the outpatients clinic so I was wheeled to the ward I had stayed on the get them removed there by the ward sister. It was fast and smooth. I took a codeine before going up there just in case but there was no real pain, just a feeling of pressure as they came out. It was an immediate relief. 

My friend picked me up and took me back to his place. About an hour later my partner arrived from London to take me home on the train. He had wanted to come for the whole time but his work place sucks and refused to give him leave. We got dropped off at the station and boarded our train. The pain wasn’t too bad and we had good seats, I slept most of the way. The hard part was once we were back in London. I walked though Euston station right behind him, terrified of someone bumping in to me, by this point I felt very tired and very weak. We got an Uber assist home which was wild cause the driver was...not great. I fell asleep almost as soon as we got back.  The past few days have mainly involved having shallow baths so I can wash my lower body and wipe my upper body, watching box sets, doing little walks around the garden and afternoon naps. I got a big V-pillow which has made me much more comfortable. 

There has been pain so I’ve been taking the odd codeine but mostly just regular paracetamol. I also couldn’t poop for like 4 days so we got some lactulose and glycerol “butt bullets” which eventually moved things along which was a massive relief as most of my pain was coming from a distended abdomen!  My 2 week update will be coming on 24/06/19.

[trans-gnome]

I Finally got My Revision!!

(Photo on the left is me in 2013 post original surgery, Photo on the right shows me on 10/06/19 after my revision)

Ok so! It’s done which is a huge relief and it means I can actually use this tumblr for its intended purpose, as a resource for others. 

I’ll be putting up regular posts about recovery from my revision so others can inform themselves about the healing process and also about the Manchester team as I know there’s not loads of results from them online.  Post 1: 

Account of Surgery: 

Procedure: DI with Free Nipple grafts (revision of previous peri-areolar performed by Catherine Milroy in London)

Where: North Manchester General Hospital

Surgeon: Miss Williams (Originally scheduled with Miss Dabritz but she had an emergency)

 Before Surgery: 

I was due to have surgery on 04/06 so I arrived in Manchester the night before and checked into my hotel. However that evening my operation was cancelled due to an emergency in Miss Dabritz personal life. The next day it was scheduled in for the 10th so I decided to just stay in the North rather than go home and come back. I did a bit of tourist stuff in Manchester and visited family.  My hotel check out date was the 6th but luckily I went to stay with a friend near by for the remainder of the trip so didn’t have to extend the hotel.  On the day: 

I was scheduled for an 11.30am arrival so I got up early, packed everything I would need and waiting for my Dad to pick me up. 

Packing list: 

travel neck pillow, eye mask, ear plugs, toothbrush & paste, trakkies, boxers, button up shirt, laptop, phone & chargers, slippers. 

We arrived at the hospital and waiting in a quiet waiting room in the day surgery unit. I saw a couple of people at intervals, first the admissions nurse, then the anaesthetist and finally I was called through to change, my Dad wasn’t allowed to come with me but that’s okay. I appreciated the quiet time.  My surgeon came to mark my chest up and then I was taken down to the theatres.

One of the Machines wasn’t working in the anaesthetic room so I was put under on the operating table. I didn’t mind because I’m not afraid of medical stuff and all the staff were very friendly. I was given a different anaesthetic to the one I have last time, this one made my head swim and it felt like actual passing out rather than falling asleep. 

I woke up what felt like seconds later, very woozy but not in pain. I don’t remember much from the 2 hours I spent in recovery. My first clear memory is seeing my Dad as I was wheeled into my bay on the ward. He had brought me a kitkat to go with the Ensure I was sipping. 

The ward was a male urology ward and is the usual ward that guys who have top surgery go to apparently (F3). All the nurses were really good and friendly and it was fairly quiet, though having the eye mask, neck pillow and ear plugs was 100% necessary!. 

That night I felt fine, tender and carrying my drains around but no major pain. I could stand up and walk around, I even changed into my own clothes unassisted and went to the toilet. The next day I had more pain due to a small bleed from one of my drains that caused swelling. This delayed my discharge by a few hours because they had to make sure it wasn’t a hematoma. It wasn’t, and my buddy came to pick me up that afternoon. 

Next time: Drain removal and the journey back to London

[trans-gnome]

Hey so uh,

As a trans guy who’s been working out for a few years now and has learned a lot about their body and building muscle and whatnot in the process, here’s something I don’t see mentioned, like ever. 

Abs don’t really look Like That™ when they’re relaxed.

Here’s a few examples from a Reddit thread asking for pictures of people both flexing and not flexing their abs

I rarely see male body positivity posts in general but I’ve never seen this mentioned, and honestly? Call me stupid for it if you want, but I genuinely thought that super defined look was something that was achievable in a relaxed state, simply because I’ve never seen anything to the contrary. 

As someone with body dysmorphia as well as dysphoria, you can imagine the damaging effects that might have had on my mental health trying by to achieve the impossible. I can only imagine how many other masculine folk out there could be struggling with the exact same thing.

Anyway like, this is mostly to point out for masculine folks that might be pushing themselves too hard, that you’re probably doing better than you realise.