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Rambling 8

Random word vomiting to get my brain to be quiet for a little bit.

Sometimes I wonder how different life would be, if I could do half of the things that I imagine myself doing in my head.

Would I finally find myself? Maybe lose a few pounds or set goals and actually reach them and become someone that I can love?

Would I be able to genuinely be happy for others, without jealousy and envy appearing and clawing their way out, only to leave damage on the way and even more when forced back down so that it can't see the light of day.

Sometimes, I wonder.

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Rambling 7

Random word vomiting to get my brain to be quiet for a little bit.

The loneliness shouldn't be a surprise when this pit of emptiness, nothingness lives so deep inside - nestled into every crevice and crack of my mind, body, and soul - devouring whatever the next poor soul is willing to give and never having anything to give in return.

Why would anyone want to stay?

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Rambling 6

Random word vomiting to get my brain to be quiet for a little bit.

What my brain tells me:

worthless.

waste of space.

bothersome.

unimportant.

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Rambling 5

Random word vomiting to get my brain to be quiet for a little bit.

They say that the mind is a beautiful thing, but I would beg to differ. If the mind is so beautiful, then why does mine tell me such ugly things?

My mind is a cesspool of self degradation, doubt, and loathing - Resembling Hades' whirlpool of souls. A pool of death, but differing in its operation. Rather than trapping dead things, my mind uses this reservoir as a weapon to drown good things that find their way in. The larger the good, the longer it lasts - but my mind always wins in the end. The good thing drowns, and the rest of me is left with only residual pain.

Maybe this is what they consider beautiful - The beauty in the way that the good goes under or maybe the beauty of the dance between being "fine" and actually meaning it or maybe even the beauty of the silence that follows when the reservoir finally flows over

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Rambling 4

Random word vomiting to get my brain to be quiet for a little bit.

You know how they are. "It's just the way they talk."

Yes, I know how they are - They use knives to carve their words into others, the blade dull from overuse so the damage is minor but daily exposure gives them all the time they need to whittle away at your defenses - carving their words deep into the skin until the essence of each one sinks deep into the marrow and then there's no escape

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Writing Prompt: I refuse to be one of your regrets.

This is based off a story line I began with a friend years ago, so there is more to the story and to each character, but the prompt hit too close to home for where we were at with both of them. Yes - story was fantasy based, too, so world full of demons other creatures that go bump in the night.

Ridiculous. That’s what this whole situation was: ridiculous. The door slammed shut, alerting everyone in the house that something wasn’t quite right. She was upset. Miserable, angry and upset. Who was he to tell her that it would be too dangerous for her to be with him? Alliana knew he was just trying to protect her, but she wasn’t a scared little girl anymore. She could make her own decisions. The more her mind replayed his words through her head, the louder the growls resonated from her throat.

‘We can’t be together. I love you…but that love is putting you in danger and I won’t allow that.’

‘Alli, no. Just please, leave. Go on your adventure without me. It’s better this way.’

A snarl ripped its way from her mouth as she destroyed anything she could get her hands on. Finally she made her way to the daggers strapped around her waist that were hidden beneath her shirt. The leather belt snapped from her waist and flew across the room towards the opposite wall. The sound of the daggers implanting themselves into the drywall made her stop in her rampage. All of her rage now spent, sadness and heartbreak began to settle in. Suddenly she stopped, her breaths coming in sharp inhales and exhales as tears formed in her eyes. Alliana refused to blink, not wanting the tears to fall. She could feel her heart breaking and questioned herself. Why did she ever think coming back would be easy, or that it was even a good idea from the start? She loved her mother of course, but she never really got to know her since her father kept her locked away. The tears fell more as she reflected on all of the times she was denied what she truly wanted. Memories whirled, making her feel sick as she realized just how much happiness she had been denied in her short life.

Slowly her eyes made their way to the daggers still implanted into the wall across from her. He had given her those before she left the first time…for her to have something to remember him by. She took a deep breath and finally got up from her place on the floor. Determination set in as she quickly left her room and went back outside where he was. She paused, watching as he stood unmoved with his back to her and his eyes on the moon. Alliana could sense the storm raging inside him, and was even more determined to set things right. She marched barefoot across the grass to stand in front of him. He stared back into her bloodshot eyes and tear stained face, waiting for her to yell at him and hit him.

Alliana stared into his eyes while tenderly grabbing the sides of his face. “Ishunaru…I refuse to be one of your regrets.” Nothing startled him more than when she pulled him into a kiss that would change their relationship forever.

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Old WIP - Snowy Owl

Found this in the depths of my google drive from who knows how long ago. Trying to decide if I should continue with it and if so, what it would turn in to. Let me know your thoughts!

She appeared out of nowhere. Where the white owl had landed stood a young woman who appeared to be in her early twenties, but the storm in her eyes showed a different age. Her hair was as white as the snow she stood on; her eyes as golden as the sun. He was fascinated at the owlish features she had, and how soft she looked despite the harsh cold whipping about her barely garbed frame. She blended into the scenery so much that he was afraid he would lose sight of her if he blinked. So he sat watching her until something struck out at him from the white. The red mixing with the falling snow was his only warning as she collapsed.

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Rambling 3

Random word vomiting to get my brain to be quiet for a little bit.

And if someone dared to say that platonic love isn't enough to soothe an aching soul or act as kintsugi to a broken heart or become a safe haven to quiet a restless mind I would tell them about you

And that would give them a million examples to prove them wrong

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Rambling 2

Random word vomiting to get my brain to be quiet for a little bit.

Exhaustion rested in her mind and in her soul Tired  of being disgusted when she looked in the mirror of not being in control of her emotions of falling victim to voices only she can hear of laying in bed paralyzed while daydreaming of alternate realities Realities where she could believe her friends’ compliments she could get to know the stranger in the mirror she said kind words to herself she created a life worth living rather than surviving

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Rambling 1

Random word vomiting to get my brain to be quiet for a little bit.

It’s not that she didn’t want to change She needed to - was desperate for it But shedding the layers of

Self hatred Disgust Shame

All wrapped tightly in a blanket of familiarity  Wasn’t something she was strong enough to do

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Writing Prompt: The plane plummeted through the clouds.

Mission: Write a story, a description, a poem, a metaphor, a commentary, or a memory about this sentence. Write something about this sentence.

It had been years since she had seen them - seen him. She left without a word with her tail between her legs. What had she been so afraid of? The life that they would have had together would have been spectacular. Thinking back on that day, memories of why she ran came rushing back at her. She was afraid that their happiness would rust and crumble just as her parents’ had. She was afraid that the look in his eyes when he looked at her would fade, and that in 10 years’ time there would be nothing left of the love that they shared in that moment.

She had spent years thinking about her actions and trying to rid the guilt that plagued her. The ache in her chest was a daily reminder of what she did. She had tried sending him his ring back. Looking at it broke her heart all over again, but she could not bring herself to take it off. Finally gathering her strength, she managed to pack it up and ship it back to him, hoping that his address had not changed. He sent it back. She could picture the package in her mind, ‘Return To Sender’ written on it in big red letters. She remembered the way the padded envelope felt in her hands and the slow sound of her ripping the tape off so that she could see the ring again. Sadness and happiness mixed into a strange emotion that washed over her at the sight of it. She quickly placed the ring on her finger. The feeling of the cool metal on her skin was relaxing and heart-throbbing at the same time. That was when the white envelope taped to the other side of the package caught her attention. She remembered grabbing it and opening it slowly, afraid of what awaited her inside. She shook just like she did in her memory.

Come return it in person. I deserve at least that much.

She put the letter away, tears streaming down her face. How could she have been so stupid? Everything changed that day. Her fear returned, although for a different reason. She wanted to, no, had to see him again. Just one last time. Even if it destroyed her, she would see him again. That letter guided her to being on this plane, fiddling with her phone and staring out at the clouds. It felt like she was going in slow motion but at the same time racing towards what she felt would be the end of her. Would he be happy to see her? Did he hate her - despise her? She closed her eyes and rested her head back against the seat. Here she was, determined to make peace with the past as the plane plummeted through the clouds.