tryingtodealwithlife

[tryingtodealwithlife]

mein Körper steht 24/7 unter Hochspannung und ich weiß nicht wie ich mit der panischen Angst umgehen soll..

[tryingtodealwithlife]

Why is my first line of thought that I’m gonna fail once I am stressed out

[tryingtodealwithlife]

Idk what to think anymore or rather where to start.

I thought we were going to talk on Saturday and not act like everything is okay because it isn’t. And the evening was a reminder that you give so much of yourself to others that you first of all don’t take care of yourself and second of all our friendship. I would have rather done it on another day instead of you telling me the whole evening how tired you are and that you want to go to sleep.

I don’t know where to start.

With our friendship in general? You know how much I love you and how important you are to me. But for some time now I’ve always felt like I have to be the one who always has to go the extra step. The only time we see each other is when I ask you to go study together and come see you in your city. And even if I mention stuff I would want to do with you there is no feedback. If there is a restaurant I want to try or go ice skating or whatever else. It‘s always you don’t have any time or you just don’t want to come visit me. And I feel exhausted and disappointed always trying to be the one who initiates something. I don’t know if I want to do that anymore.

Your relationship is a whole other topic that you know I don’t agree with. And you always mentioning her makes it hard. I don’t want to listen to you talk about her 24/7. But if I talk to you about it you‘d pick her. I‘m 100% sure about that. I don’t blame you for it. I‘m just disappointed.

If I shut up and don’t say anything else like all the other times I decided not to say something I’m just gonna keep thinking about it and it‘s gonna get worse in my mind. I want to talk to you about it but idk how. Rn you are already dealing with enough so I don’t want to add to that but I also don’t want to keep being the one who has to draw the shorter stick.

There is so much to say and talk about. 20 years is a long time for a friendship to just throw it away. But I don’t want to be the only one putting effort in it. My head is a mess.

Am I being selfish? It feels like I am. But I am tired of always putting other people’s feelings before my own and having to keep quiet.

Maybe just trying to keep my distance for now will help? I really don’t know. My head is a mess.

[tryingtodealwithlife]

how difficult it is not to fall back into old habits

[tryingtodealwithlife]

I’m not really living. I’m just watching my life pass by and trying to survive.

[tryingtodealwithlife]

I really miss you. I want to lay with my head in your lap again and just read for a few hours without being bothered by the rest of the world.

[tryingtodealwithlife]

I can feel the panic clawing at my throat again trying to get out

[tryingtodealwithlife]

I miss your hugs

[tryingtodealwithlife]

how easy it is to be so invested in another person and forget they will leave you too. the only one I can rely on is myself. shouldn’t have been a surprise to me

[tryingtodealwithlife]

How do I get rid of this pressure that‘s building on my chest. It‘s getting heavier and heavier with each day.

[tryingtodealwithlife]

"grief is forever. not continuous, but everlasting"

I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of this sadness I feel when I think of your last few moments.

[tryingtodealwithlife]

summer depression is worse than winter depression

[tryingtodealwithlife]

I feel restless in my own skin

I just want to escape somewhere else

Where I can't hear my own thoughts anymore

[tryingtodealwithlife]

fear is a really strong emotion that makes us lose sight of what we really want in life

[tryingtodealwithlife]

do people feel genuine happiness? I can't remember the last time I was really happy over something

[tryingtodealwithlife]

my mind is racing and I don't know how to slow down my thoughts and make sense of them. I feel like I'm under an electrical current that is making me restless. how can I feel calm?

[tryingtodealwithlife]

I‘m not good company right now and I haven’t been for a while