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*Rick’s first day as a bartender*

Mike: a piña colada please

Rick: okay

Mike: can you make it virgin?

Rick, trying not to cry: yes I know how to make it

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Mike, parking: can you go in and get us a table?

Vyvyan: sure

{ several minutes later }

Vyvyan, sprinting out of the restaurant carrying a table: START THE FUCKING CAR

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Rick: if our house was on fire and you could only save one thing what would it be?

Mike:…our house?

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Neil: writing stuff down is nerdy? what do you do then?

Mike: just forget stuff like a cool person

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Rick: every talk I have with you people gets more and more absurd

Neil: you say “you people” like you’re not apart of the family. well, I have news for you, you’re already on the Christmas card

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Neil: you make a lot of people around here nervous

Vyvyan: that’s because they’re all bitch-ass white boys

Rick: hate to break it to you, Vyvyan, but you’re also a bitch-ass white boy

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Mike: I love murder mysteries

Vyvyan, trying to impress him: I’ve been the LEAD suspect in FIVE murder cases

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Neil: Rick and Vyvyan? Dead? Let me tell you something, those two are literally impossible to kill. To prove a theory I tried to shoot them with a real gun. The bullet missed, ricocheted off a frying pan and broke a cabinet full of bottles which I then slipped on and fell over

Neil: hurt my pride more than anything…except my tailbone, which I bruised

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Rick, singing: making my way downtown walking fast

Rick:….

Rick: walking slower so Mikes little legs can catch up to me

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Mike: -and now for a gay update from Vyv

Vyvyan: getting gayer !

Mike: that’s the spirit, vyv

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Rick: I love living in this house, we all have a lot of laughs

{ earlier that day }

Rick: Fuck off, Neil. I’m not going to your fucking birthday party

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[ at Vyvyans funeral ]

Mike: he surely will be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his death several ti-…aaand there he is at the back in that big stupid hat. I’d like to apologise to everyone here once again-

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Mike: Would you guys consider yourselves happy?

Neil: I don’t think I’m very happy, I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams

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Mike: just try and break it to him gently

Vyvyan: okay…I’ll try

{ that night }

Vyvyan, tucking Rick into bed: once upon a time your parents are dead

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Neil: Can you tuck me in?

Rick: this is a spade?

Neil: Yeah, just make sure the dirt is spread over me as evenly as you can

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Vyvyan: well I manage my department and I’ve been doing that for several years now, and god I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way

Neil: your “department” is just you

Vyvyan: yes, Neil, but I am not easy to manage

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Rick: you’ve got the look of updog on your face

Vyvyan: what the fuck?

Vyvyan: you’ve got the look of “I let my dog lick peanut butter off my balls” look on your face, bitch

Rick:

Rick: not much , how about you?