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[ultrahydrangea]

i am no doubt the magnum opus of an incompetent necromancer.

[ultrahydrangea]

[ultrahydrangea]

the older i get the more i resemble my grandfather,

(a big drinker who raged day and night)

i am starting to look really weird.

[ultrahydrangea]

when it rains it pours,

but how big must a puddle grow

before it is considered a pond?

when does a pond become a lake?

i’m drowning,

but i insist that i’m dry.

insist i couldn’t die.

now every single day is overtime.

is extra credit.

is derealized.

i’m drowning but i

wring my clothes

and promise that i’m dry.

it’s good for the flowers, they say.

that’s very good.

you’ll need them soon.

[ultrahydrangea]

I will always love you but I cannot look at you

[ultrahydrangea]

finally reached the age where i get to have a bathroom cigarette with that one older cool cousin that i always looked up to.to the moon and back cousin t, to the moon and back.

[ultrahydrangea]

in 50 years from today some shrink in his shiny shoes and cream colored coat will disect my brain and my heart into million little pieces and declare an article regarding a new age mental illnes that went unnoticed for years.his name will go down into the history books.there will be think pieces written and treatments made up for it.the things churning up inside my amygdala will make some man a noble prize winner.

[ultrahydrangea]

people taking from you to the point of ego death.the total inability to see oneself as human.you look into reflections of your face and think how weird you are starting to look.trying to recall how to be.counting your fingers and the number making no sense,where there always five of them?

walking in circles in the mall,not knowing what perfume to buy,not knowing if you have a favorite scent,not sure if you ever had a favorite anything.

what is your favorite color,

and what are you thinking right now?

[ultrahydrangea]

whatever my soul was made out of,it can transcend several millenia and lightyear.

i am composed of something no existing heart can comprehend.

[ultrahydrangea]

i cant tell if i ever really loved anyone.feels more like im experiencing stockholm syndrome.

[ultrahydrangea]

[ultrahydrangea]

"I dont even know where you end and i begin"

[ultrahydrangea]

my dreams look like christmas lights strung up on a solitary house on a hill,dark hazy blue skies,misty streets with wet cement and the silence of the snow.

[ultrahydrangea]

MARILYN MONROE in New York City, 1961

[ultrahydrangea]

I am keeping a secret. I am sucking on it like a lozenge that just won’t get smaller. I am passing it back and forth between my teeth, like a ball on a field between the legs of a bored player. It is not a happy secret, like a diamond in a velvet box in a sweaty pocket. It’s a secret like a loaded gun sewn into the lining of my sweater’s hood, aimed directly for the back of my head. It is a cartoon piano suspended above me. It is a manhole threatening to spontaneously collapse beneath my feet. It is a cloud of noxious gas meticulously attached to only the molecules I misguidedly breathe. It is in my shadow, and it singes the concrete where I stand. It is the sad clink of an empty glass on New Year’s Eve. It is a nap in the passenger seat from which I will never wake up. I am keeping a secret. I am hoarding it. You will find it amongst yellowed mountains of books in a garage, when you find me. This is not a promise, it is a confession. I am keeping a secret.

[ultrahydrangea]

Lake Mungo x Wrestling in Dirt Pits - Ethel Cain

[ultrahydrangea]

strangers // ethel cain (ig: jayetart)