unashamedwinters - Tumblr blog

[unashamedwinters]

There isn’t room for myself and this pain inside the same body 

When I ask myself what I want

What I dream of

It is to be unburdened 

It is to have a soul at rest 

It is to know I am loved 

I want to sit alone on a beach and know I am loved completely

[unashamedwinters]

If I was sorry for who I am, would you even forgive me?

Or would you deny my apology, insisting I could simply be better

I am already so good in ways you can't see

You threw a glass cup at a wall and are angry you can't drink from it

[unashamedwinters]

i sat alone on the beach and talked to myself for 20 minutes

i kept asking if you were listening

i heard you so loudly through the wind and the waves but could you hear me too

is someone i love listening

every poem i write i ask if youre here

i can never shake the feeling of your presence

i write about her home in the clouds

and all our angry visitors

about how every shift in the world is her burden to carry

do you see how it hurt

are you angry too

is someone who loves me reading this right now

[unashamedwinters]

I promise to listen when she tries to speak to me When I wake up with a pain that is as old as I am A pain with no edges No beginning or end A pain from a grief that is dark blue Of a flower that grew with no soil Pain that disguises itself as my bones What are you here to teach me I promise to embrace you with love as tightly as you embrace me I promise to listen when you try to speak to me

[unashamedwinters]

My whole life is an attempt to satiate her. It is all I can do to graciously offer my body as a vessel for her emotion, but whether I welcome her or not she will take all of me. I choose to be hospitable and loving when she visits, but she is not a gentle guest. She screams and cries and rages until there is no room for me left, until she is home alone and I can't find where I've gone.

[unashamedwinters]

I am a house that I cannot stand to live in. I have always instead lived in the clouds over the roof, getting endlessly distracted by the bugs and the birds. I cannot stand this house of mine because I did not build it, it is dark and damp and dangerous and with ghosts, which cannot be seen, but rather mysteriously felt. As a child these ghosts would inhabit my body and decay my bones, which have since learned they'd rather lie achingly in the clouds, where they might have a chance to recover. I lay and pretend I am home - that the sky above me isn't vast and endless, that it can act as a bounded roof to keep me from floating away, but I am secretly afraid of it's infinity. Often on sunny days I descend from my spot in the clouds to bask on the roof of my house, smelling the beautiful flowers I've lovingly planted around it over the years. On those days I easily forget that I am afraid to go inside, or that there is an inside at all. I remember over and over again, just as I am constantly forgetting.

[unashamedwinters]

I am guilty for the wind that blows and the pebbles at my feet

I don't deserve to witness the world with wide eyes

I am hurtful and never hurting

Don't they all know that I am bad

My world is bright and safe, the pain is only mine

The only way for a child to comprehend why she is not loved

[unashamedwinters]

I used to move through time but now time moves through me

It rushes through me and knocks me to the ground and each day I scramble to try to get up and pay attention

I am nostalgic for the present moments I am left out of 

All I can do is ask where I am and how I got here and hope the mindless one in control of my body will deliver the answers 

Maybe if I learn how to honor how precious life is it will slow down and let me be a part of it

[unashamedwinters]

the sun is out again and the days are longer maybe itll all be okay. maybe

[unashamedwinters]

Coming home to feelings bigger than life

Does she beg for you 

As you crawl home to her, does she beg for you

My mom isn’t a mother anymore

He was born and he took away my past

Does she beg for you 

I found a love in her expression 

I beg for her

Show me how to hold it all

I know the world now

[unashamedwinters]

They’re having me carry it alone, do you see it too?

How do I share that I know the world now

Who is asking

The smallest within me, has she not always waited

Does she beg for your love or do you bow before hers

The strongest within me, does she miss me too

Even as it’s her reverent love I find my way home to

[unashamedwinters]

I spend my life inflated with a shame that grips my hand before I can admit to the world who I am