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uncomfortably-quiet · 5 years

Text

Never Spoken

She had a lollipop in her mouth that tinged her lips the same shade of blue they are now.

There we were, two girls, sitting on swings that were too small for us.

The grass a dull grey-green compared to her eyes. Somehow, everything was blurry when she was around. Time seemed to be moving both slow and fast.

Strands of brown hair escaping from her bun to flutter behind her as she swung.

Each push at the ground with her legs taking her higher.

Higher and higher.

Her voice, loud as it always was, reached a decible so high that I winced.

I had a million things to say to her in that moment.

But I was silent.

My silence was more important to me than her need to know the truth.

Even if it were a need that she did not even know about.

So I didn't say anything.

And I will regret that moment till my dying days.

×××

We found her washed up against the shore of the local beach.

A fisherman had spotted her there, lying like a discarded item that wasn't loved anymore.

And I thought about how lucky the man must be. He never knew her. Never knew the way she'd cross her eyes to make someone laugh, the way her hair used to stand up at the most inopportune of times, the way she'd sing while putting her younger brother to sleep.

All he knew about her was that she was another body on another beach in another small town.

And how I envied him for it. How I envied him and how I pitied him.

As I stand on the beach with her mother and her boyfriend, I find myself looking at the ring on her left hand's middle finger.

The same one I'd given her.

×××

The loud squeal almost deafened me.

"Ooooh! It's perfect..."

She looked at the fake green gem in the centre of the ring that glittered in warm afternoon light of the sun as if it were the only thing in world worth looking at.

I felt understandably pathetic at having only this to give my best friend since childhood.

She winked meaningfully at her cousin, Nick, "I told you she has the best gift giving sense in this godforsaken town of ours."

Nick, on his part, paled in the face of having to construct a sentance with more than two words, so did what he always did when I was mentioned, blushed.

She elbowed me in her usual, I-told-you-he-likes-you way and I smiled in my usual I-sincerely-hope-not way.

And... and...

×××

And that's where it stopped - the memory. Halfway, incomplete, no more.

Just like her... no more.

Already I'd forgotton. And it had only been, been not that long. No, not that long.

And since I could not remember, I watched her and memorised her.

Memorised every inch of her. Her favourite black shirt, crumpled and wet now; the corduroy that she loathed but still found herself wearing; plain, scuffy white sneakers. Completely ordinary except for the fact that her father gave them to her and that stopped making them ordinary.

So I memorised every inch of her, every inch that meant nothing to me now.

I watched her mother cry, tears sliding silently down her sun burnt cheeks, so much like her daughter and yet so unlile too, and I could not help but pity her. Pity her for weeping for a daughter she did not know.

The police had come and gone - like the flash of a camera - blinding you for a a second and then vanishing, like they didn't even exist.

They had ruled out murder before we'd even opened our mouths.

But I knew better,-

×××

A punch on my arm, a sharp jolt of pain.

"You know-it-all!" she grumbled irritably, "You act like you know everything, you never forget a single answer. Ever! It's not fair."

She pouted and turned away from me.

It was true. I did know everything about her and see everything that I loved and hated inside her and knew that every agonizing detail of her would be stuck in head for forever.

×××

-I always did.

It was murder. This town with it's nothingness, her mother with an empty heart... And me with a mouthful of words I never uttered. Words I'd never let slip.

Words which might have saved her.

Words.

We had all murdered her. All of us should have been in prison and in a way we all were.

My mind would be a lonely place with only my unuttered words for company...

×××

Miss Norai watched me as I finished. Her gaze was sympathetic, but then, so was everyone elses.

"Our very last session, hm?"

I nodded and she continued, "Well, I can see why you weren't willing to talk about this before. A stupid question..but you cared about her a lot, didn't you?"

"Care."

"What?"

"I still do."

"I... Of course."

I got up to leave but her voice made me pause as I reached the door.

"What was it? The thing, you..ah, regretted not telling her?"

I turned around and she smiled at me.

Cautious and caring.

So I smiled back.

Slow and bittersweet.

"I don't remember." I said, the smile not leaving my face.

It left her face though, like a plate dropping to the floor and smashing, "Right. Maybe if you try a little harder. We can extend our session if you want, just another hour."

"No. It wouldn't matter anyway. She can't hear me."

And then I left, but the words did not, they bounced around my skull and time played it's cruel trick of never passing.

×××

So I whispered them. Quiet and soft, they ripped away as I dragged her along behind me.

The salty wind forcing me to cover my eyes, the sand under my feet rough and her weight more than I could bear.

The wind the only one deigning to give me an answer.

Because she never could.

×××

I shook my head to stop the memory from rushing back but it played again.

×××

"I promise -cross my heart and hope to

die - that you will marry Nick. He loves you and you love him too, right?"

No.

She smiled at me brilliantly and I felt my breath catch.

NO.

But I nodded. How could you say no to someone so beautiful?

×××

How could I like her brother?

When it was she that I loved.

#lesbian #LGBT #lgbtq #lgbtfiction #girlxgirl #angst #confusing

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uncomfortably-quiet · 5 years

Text

I'll Try

"Are you scared?"

"More than I've ever been."

The loud music of the disco, enough to give me a headache.

The bright purple and red lights swirling around the room, enough to make me nauseous.

The fact that she was just a few feet away, enough to make me forget everything.

The purple strobe lights tinted her skin a soft lavender, her short black hair tickling her bare shoulders.

But it's not me that she's dancing with. Not me she's smiling for.

It was at this precise moment I realized I was doomed.

"Kiss me."

"How many times?"

We lie next to each other on a tiny, little bed. Our hands grazing, our feet scuffling. Together.

Does she feel it too?

Together.

"Do you think there's something wrong with me?" she asked, her voice strangely quiet in this shared space of ours.

"What do you mean?"

"That..y'know. I'm different...."

Her words astounded me (don't they always). To think that she of all people could be unsure of herself.

That was my job not hers.

"You're perfect."

Even now I try to convince myself that it isn't a lie. Is anyone perfect? Did I need her to be perfect?

It didn't matter what I needed. It mattered what she did.

"...I'm broken."

Who isn't?

"So am I."

"More than you've ever dared to kiss anyone else."

Maybe we need each other more than I can ever realise.

"Is this wrong?"

"Yes."

The washed out grey light of the parking lot took me back to a different time.

A time when I was braver.

A time I was more...me.

She is here too, sapping my strength, my will to live.

I don't have the courage anymore.

I don't think I ever did.

"Why don't you ever listen to me?"

"Because you never speak."

The stars seem to twinkle brighter than before... Sometimes all I see is her, all that I care about, all that I need.

Her hand in mine. Her arms around me. Her face the one I see in the morning next to me.

Is it wrong for me to wish for something addicting? Something that will give me no peace of mind? Something that I can learn to live without?

"Do you dream about me too?"

"Only in nightmares."

She is leaning against the railing next to me, her blue highlights glistening in the afternoon sun.

My arm is around her and I can feel her warmth along my bare arm, tingling like tiny little fireflies in the dying sky.

Her breathing is calm and slow. I can hear our hearts beating along at the same pace.

Somehow, I feel at peace.

Is it wrong to feel like how I do? Wrong to feel such happiness in a single moment even when we've been in so much pain before?

Is this right?

"Why me?"

"You make me feel."

I make my way across to her. Come hell or high water, I cannot give her up, not to anyone else.

My hands on her waist. My lips on her mouth. My name that she'll whisper at night. My hands tangled in her hair. My heart that she'll break.

I cannot give her up. I have no choice but to fight.

"Stop it."

"Stop what?"

The cool breeze of the ocean woke me from my reverie. The grey-white crest of the waves seemed more a part of me, at times, than my memories did.

My phone rang and even before I picked it up I had an inkling of who it could be.

"Hey, I won't be able to make it. You know how my dad is-"

"It's alright."

"Really?"

"Really."

She hangs up and I can hear the relief in her voice. It's a pity she can't hear the pain in mine.

"Hurting me."

I tossed my phone into the water and without a second glance I left.

She was a liar.

Liar.

Cheat.

Monster.

Heartbreaker.

Liar.

Why did I choose her?

Why her?

"Love me."

"I'll try."

#romance #angst #hurt #pain #sadshit #lesbian #lgbtq #lgbtlove #lgbtfiction #girlxgirl

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