unpackingmythoughts

[unpackingmythoughts]

Passing Thoughts [Part:1]

So my last post ended kinda on the down side of things I know and this post doesn't really have a set thing that I want to tell you about, not because I don't want to write but more because my mind is all over the place and that always makes it hard to write down my thoughts on any subject for an extended period but since I still do want to write I'm just gonna do it and see where this leads me.

Alrighty, let's see, what can I think about for long enough to write something down that we can all comprehend without making me seem crazy...uh, hmmm , what about, yeah no I don't even know where that thought was going...... Umm ok I think I've got something.

Yeah so I lost whatever I was going to write about just then, don't ask me how cause I don't fully know like I said my mind is all over the place today so lets see.

Does anyone else on YouTube watch like one video with a different subject than what you usually do and all of a sudden every other video your suggested is either a different version of that video or just something related to it but you only wanted to watch that one video and not be bombarded with the entire subject, and sure it's a good way to learn different and new things which has definitely allowed me to learn new things, but I still want the videos I'm usually suggested without them trying to stuff me full of that subject. In the long run it just drives me away from watching videos that I usually don't.

You know I like to read and I have a lot of books on my Google Play Books account but I've barely read them not because I don't want to or I don't have the motivation but purely because I like reading physical books, I like the feel of the paper, the turning of the pages, the beautiful book covers and even the weight of them. So their virtual equivalent while more...uh I forgot the word I was going to use so I'll say, easy in the long term they just don't grab my attention for long enough when compared to their physical equivalent, but that wont stop me from reading them when I finally chose to, even though I will always prefer physical book to virtual ones.

Ok so it's late, I'm hungry and my thoughts are still way too chaotic for me to continue writing while still making sense long enough to finish what I started writing so thanks for reading this.

[unpackingmythoughts]

Humanitarian Appeal

‼️She will die at any time‼️😭Emergency, read my story and help me 🚨

"One moment can change everything

My daughter suffers from kidney failure and autism

due to the devastating consequences of war and malnutrition. He urgently needs donations for his ongoing treatment and a life-saving kidney transplant help to cover the high costs of his medical care and surgery, which could save his life and improve his health.

We kindly appeal to compassionate individuals to donate and support us during this difficult time.

Thank you for your cooperation and generosity.

I am asking for $25 or 50$ , which will make a significant difference in my life and my family’s🙏🏻💔

🔴My child extends her hands to you. Do not leave her facing death. If you can, your support is a lifeline for her. No one helps me or cares about her illness. Please, from a humanitarian standpoint.

https://gofund.me/8dce001c

Hello Laragaza, while I would love nothing more to help I'm currently living on a tight budget as such I can't offer up any money at the moment, though when I do have enough money to make a donation I will do so.

[unpackingmythoughts]

My Anxiety [A Summery]

Short Note [Ended up Long]: So like I stated before I'm doing this blog with as much transparency as I feel comfortable with, and so in the face of that I must confess that I was going to write this yesterday and while I did start it I just ended up deleting it, not for any bad reasons I just didn't really have the necessary motivation to make this post, and yes it's just the second day (technically third) and my second post but I find it hard enough to properly articulate my mind and feelings to those closest to me, myself included at times, so yeah I'll definitely have days where this will all be difficult to write down, but so far it doesn't feel wrong or forced or like a chore and hopefully it will continue not to be in the upcoming... however long I continue to do this cause I know myself enough to tell you that I can be a bit flighty for no reason other than my mind focusing on something else while whatever I was doing ruminants in the back of my head until I inevitable return it, but don't worry this time around I am trying to pick up a constant healthy habit so yeah um...yeah...uh... OK my thoughts petered out so I don't really know how I was going to finish this, hopefully something reassuring and hopeful or maybe even something funny, but yeah it's gone now so lets finish this note so you and I can start talking about my anxiety.

Alright like I mentioned in my first post I am currently suffering from anxiety, well that not fully correct I've been suffering from it for a long time now, I'd say some years, probably started around middle school I think though I honestly don't even really remember when my anxiety started it's been something I've had for so long that in some ways it just feels like a part me that I got by accident, sort of like a scar you'd get on your finger after accidentally cutting it while making food you don't really notice it and sure sometimes you just look at your hand and you know it's going to be there but it's nothing in the long run until one day you can only focus on that scar and seemingly nothing else.

So yeah I've been going through anxiety for a long time now mostly it's fears related to my health or as one would scientifically say Hypochondria, I know a big and fancy word with a set definition and symptoms, causes, ways to diagnosis and treat, it even has a prognosis isn't that just great...... You don't have to tell me I got sarcastic I know I did, it wasn't intentional it was mostly an underlying frustration that led to it.

You see my anxiety has triggers like everyone else who suffers from it but at the same time these triggers they seem so absurd to anyone else who isn't going through it or isn't letting others know they are or don't know or acknowledge they are or just simply manage to seemingly work through their anxiety with no seeming problem and good for you, really not being sarcastic I can see how saying that right after complaining can seem like it but no honestly good for I hope your doing good and that you can work through it in a healthy way, but sometimes when I get triggered I don't really say why because even though it tends the be irrational, something I myself know, for me at the moments when my anxiety as at it's peaks as much as I need to know that I am fine and that whatever little passing headache I just got isn't an aneurysm pooping or when my arm hurts for no apparent reason it isn't the begging of a heart attack or even the fact that I'm dizzy and a weak isn't cause something big is happening in my body and I just don't know it, for all of that and so much more, as much as I need to know I'm fine I don't need to hear that it's "Just my anxiety acting up" cause even though I know it, when those moments are happening I can only feel all consuming dread that makes your rational explanation of what's happening to me feel like an insult.

So yeah I get frustrated with the finer points of my anxiety, both with others and myself, cause you see I am for the most part a rational person myself so when my I'm calm, when I'm good, when my anxiety and intrusive thoughts don't have control over me I know that I wasn't acting rational and I know that all consuming fear makes no true sense but it doesn't take away that sensation of how I was feeling diminished and seemingly deemed as nothing more than irrational hysteric that'll calm down after a bit of time passes, and I'm not saying that's what everyone's thinking when that say it's just my anxiety acting up but I can't help myself when I think that it is, or when I think of myself as nothing more than a burden unto those closest to me.

I wish that I could end this post on a positive note but I can't, well technically I could write some type of semi uplifting thing. What might be? I don't know, but I do know that it would feel like an inauthentic ending. Cause I'm still going through my anxiety and I'm still going through the process of feeling like a burden, and feeling diminished for having this mental struggle that I can't fully control, so yeah that's the end of this post.

Hopefully you'll come back for my next entry and if you don't thanks for reading this one.

[unpackingmythoughts]

An Introduction

Alright this is an introduction to me and this blog so let's do this thing, since it's way to late at night for me to be staring at my computer screen starting to type only to delete a quarter of a sentence just because I start doubting what I should be writing so let's begin.

First and foremost to be blatant and honest to all of those reading this blog my name is not Lazara and the Gmail put down on this account is one that I made specifically for this blog. Mostly so that I can keep my own anonymity or at the very least as much of it as I can.

But these are my thoughts, my opinions, my inner most struggles, my dark moments, my doubts, my feelings, my reason for wanting to cry without fully knowing why all of a sudden, my racing chaotic messy thoughts that fill my head until it feels like I'll POP. Don't worry they're not all bad, some are great, others are weird, all the while some come and go so many times that I can't really process them if I don't make the conscious effort to. But these are my thoughts, as real as I know them to be and now I've decided to put them out into the world as my own secondary form of therapy.

Now while the name and Gmail associated with this blog aren't my day to day ones that isn't in order to deceive anyone as I've stated. Yet I do want to be honest with you all.

So let me introduce, at the very least as much as I can in my own good faith and hopefully your own.

Now I am originally from Cuba and I was born on December 17th, as you may or may not know historically Cubans for the most part are Roman Catholic and this is the case for my own family, and while I tend to see myself on the more overall spiritual side when it comes to things like religion, I am a baptized Roman Catholic, even got the crying baby photos to prove it, now I have no doubt that these last few sentences seem like a bit of a side tangent and yes they are I won't deny it, though they are also the explanation for why the name I have put in this blog is Lazara, you see in Cuba December 17th is St.Lazarus Day which to my own knowledge and that of a semi quick internet search is the opposite of basically every other place with even a single Christian person since he's instead primarily Celebrated on July 29th alongside his two sisters, now historically he once was on the day that would become my Birthday, really don't want to repeat saying the day again, but that was changed at some point don't ask me when cause I don't know, anyways because I was born that day my Dad wanted to name me Lazara my Mom did not and long story short she won.

Now was that all just the overall long and rambling way of saying that when I first chose to make this blog and keep my identity as secret as I felt comfortable with I decided to use the one name that I know I was almost given as a baby... uh yeah basically.

Another thing I think is already a noticeable part of me is that I tend to ramble and make explanations and reasons and a lot of other stuff way longer than it need to be purely for the fact that I tend to feel the incessant urge to put down everything I think seems important when it usually isn't and just tends to make things a lot longer for no real reason, I've always had this problem so don't worry I also tormented my High-school English teacher with it and now all of you reading this get to know her suffering and frustration with my writing tendencies.

Another thing you should know about is that I suffer from General Anxiety with a Pinch of Depression, and while they are my main demons I might have more that I don't know of yet cause their the once I'm currently dealing with, the Anxiety more so than the Depression.

The fact that I'm dealing with them is the main reason that I'm doing this, I journal from time to time used to do it more on the daily side before but for all it helped it also felt isolating in a way and yeah sometimes the only we to deal with the demons inside is to leave yourself with your thoughts written out for you to read and look back on but at some point for me it just started to lose that thing that made me feel heard somehow and sure I still do it from time to time but it feels more like an unwanted chore.

Saying all that though I still want to right down my thoughts and I went over in my head as many ways as I could think about that I could do that all the the while finding that feeling of progress and fulfillment that journaling did not that long ago cause that feeling relay only started at the tail end of last year.

Now I'll be honest I don't know if this blog will help like I want it to, I don't know if putting my thought here out in the open will really do anything, honestly this is just something came into my mind and hasn't really gone away so I decided to it do it, to make this blog and put my honest thought here out in the open like my intro says mostly for myself but also to show others just how messy we all are internally.

OK so it's late and I'm already tired, so I'm gonna post this after putting whatever tags I think will best suit it and well so how this goes.

Thank you for reading, Good Night and lets all hope I don't have another weird dream cause I think my mind is going for the week long weird dream package and it's not bad but I'm already tired of waking up only for the first thought I have to be "What was that dream".