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Beauty and the Beast (2017)

Following the success of Disney’s live-action take on The Jungle Book, it was only inevitable that the big corporate conglomerate would reimagine the classic 1991 animated feature Beauty and the Beast in a spectacular live-action setting.

And spectacular it is. Director Bill Condon of 1987′s Sister, Sister and 1995′s Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh fame helms the living reimagining of a tale as old as time, and does so in an effortlessly adept fashion. Hopefully the success of this film will convince studios to finally greenlight Condon’s much anticipated sequel to Sister, Sister, entitled Sister, Sister, Sister, which has been in development hell for over a decade.

Perhaps the most impressive scene in Beauty and the Beast - !!!SPOILERS AHEAD!!! - is the incredibly profound and deeply erotic orgy which takes place between all of the main cast. The twenty-minute long fiasco begins with a simple love-making session shared by Belle and Beast, with Gaston watching in the distance, masturbating through tears. True to the original centuries-old story, the carnal display “heats” up when Lumiere burns a flame beneath Beast’s massive, hairy taint, a fetish that gives the middle finger to kink-shaming. Cogsworth slides his c(l)ock back and forth between the crack atop Chip’s head while Mrs. Potts belts a haunting EDM rendition of the theme, “Beauty and the Beast,” singing only the opening lyric, “Tale as old as time,” repeated ad infinitum. The scene ends with a post-coital meal that organically segues into the Be Our Guest segment.

Currently number one in the box office, Beauty and the Beast has immediately made itself a classic worthy of sitting among Disney’s extensive collection of timeless, beloved family films.