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[upsetlettuce]

This shit is gonna get crazy

TW : Mentions of s*icide and lots of mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and hallucinations.

I needed to rant but I made the horrible realization that I have no friends so I guess the internet can get what I am about to put down.

I'm a 21 year old trans guy living in one of the ass end states in America. I live with my older sister, 26, and her partner also 26.

I am so tired of it all.

My sibling in law lost their job today and I don't know what about it broke me but it just did. The stress, the anxiety, it has all just become on big shit show and I don't know what to do. I want more than anything to talk about it, to cry on someone's shoulder and be comforted in a way I don't think I've ever really had. But I can't, my parents would never truly listen, my sister is part of the problem, I don't even know if my best friend likes me anymore and I don't feel I am close to any of my other friends to explain any of this to them. They are going through so much shit that I don't need to add to it.

I found myself in the shower, lights off with boxers on sobbing my eyes on. I used to do it all the time, a few years ago I almost did the same everyday. I used to think that was the worst time of myself but it just feels like it is spiraling.

I'm reenrolled in college after my first failure at it, I don't use the hair license I got because I failed at my first job, I have a trail of other jobs behind me because there was always something else and this is suppose to be my up road? "It will all get better from here." Is this my better, is this really what could be considered better?

It's not fair but nothing is ever fair really. Here I am, almost worst than I was those years ago, I suffer from hallucinations, I have paranoia, My anxiety has rooted a new way into my brain, my depression is crazy, I'm scared of my medication because what if it's poisoned? What if I'm lying to myself about this? What is it's all just a lie and I'm fine?

When I was there, I always had a thought. "If I almost died and was brought back, I would feel disappointed." For a few years I stopped thinking like that. I would fight back but I felt it again today. That gut wrenching pull from my voices. "Imagine how devastated you would be seeing the world again." I know it's wrong, I know it's unhealthy but the way it's burrowed into my head. It would be disappointing.

It's hard to see where I can go from here. I live in an unstable home and all other options are just as unstable. I am alone, so alone. I have no other trans friends, no one who understands what I feel on a daily basis, no one to call and just cry to and knowing they'll will listen, not try to solve the wound. I want someone who will comfort me, be there for me, listen to me, cry with me.

I want to open myself up to it but I am so bad at being a friend. I don't call, I don't text, I don't think beyond what I am doing in a moment. It's a two way street and I am so bad at taking care of my half but I want to try. I don't want to suffer in silence anymore, I don't want to do this alone anymore. I want someone to care.

Sorry if this was messy, I needed to write it out.

Thanks if you read, I'll be fine and am in a safe place.