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sorry I kinda dropped off the face of the earth for a bit. It’s been a month!

idk I didn’t think once a week posting was too ambitious but life is kinda kicking my ass rn

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This is honestly one of my favorite chapters so far, I hope ya’ll love it too

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Ch.8 - Alice

I feel like I’m watching in slow motion. Too scared to watch but too stuck to look away.

Little me is sitting on the table, propped up by my mother’s hand on my back. She’s slightly swaying, and humming to herself. It’s raining outside, and the sky is painted in shades of gray. It is not perfect, but it could have been peaceful.

My father calls out something intelligible. I’m not sure what, and I don’t care to hear it. I know what happens next.

“Mama?” The version of me in this memory looks up at my mother, giggling just slightly. She smiles down at me. For a second I think maybe this did not go how I thought. But then the spell is broken.

“You’d think the child is all yours how she takes after you. Maybe I wasn’t even there.”

My mother is not surprised. She looks away from me to frown at him, “Don’t start this again. Please.” But it’s too late. Even with the separation between me and this moment, I can still smell the alcohol on his breath.

“I’m just fucking, pointing out the obvious. What, you do one of your spells or something? You don’t talk about it anymore but I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten what you are,” he hisses.

She picks me up, holding me tightly to her. I can see the tears forming in her eyes. He’s not quite done yet though. Instead of storming out, he’s walking closer to us, his steps thudding as he goes. He leans in, too close for comfort, and grabs my mother’s face. He squishes her cheeks and forces her to look at him, ignoring me situated in her arms. “That fucking child, “he whispers to her. “It better be fucking normal.”

He steps away the slightest bit. “That baby turns out like you I swear I’ll kill you both.”

He does leave then, closing the door with another thud that echoes through the whole house. My mother has tears streaming down her face, but she makes no noise. Instead she picks me up, her now wailing child, and takes me to another room.

My perspective, the one of my adult body, doesn’t change as she moves. I can only see down the hallway, watch them both disappear into another small room. She comes back out without me, and I put the pieces together, faint memories of crying in a dark room flashing through my mind. I had always wondered why I had been left by myself, if she was still there.

In a way, I get it now. Watching her sink to the floor just outside my room, still trying to muffle her sobs. She looks more than exhausted. She looks almost dead.

Somewhere out there, I know my father is getting even drunker, and I know he will return eventually. I wonder for a moment why she did not leave at this moment, when she easily could’ve. She abandoned me either way.

All I know is that she didn’t. Though she did eventually disappear, it was not now.

Behind me, I hear a voice, and then another. One high and quick, the other seasoned and slow. Kira and Ismene have arrived.

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Just finished chapter 11! Being able to actually sit down and write again is very nice

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In this house we love feefal

The real reason cats get startled by their own reflection

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So this chapter was actually queued in advance so I could make sure I got it out on time. in real time I just posted chapter 6 lmao

Ch.7 - Alice

When we came back, Ismene was up and moving around the room. There was a scent in the air that wasn’t present before, and smoky tendrils floated about.

“Now that you’ve decided to go ahead, I can move forward with you both. As I said, there is always the possibility of danger. But as long as you listen to my instructions, everything should go smoothly.”

I wanted to ask more about the danger. I would have, if not for Kira. But she believed in this and I did not wish to frighten her. So instead I regarded Ismene with practiced politeness and waited for her to go on.

“You, Alice, will need to be prepared for your mind to be opened.” She gestured towards me with long, bony fingers. “Rarely are those who’ve come seeking my services open enough already. It will look similar to hypnosis, but you do not need to worry. It is simply done so that we are able to traverse your mind without you pushing us out.

Once we are in, I will lead us through your memories and your subconscious. Each scene, object, and person, may seem very real indeed. And although it is to you, it cannot truly hurt you. You may feel sensation but nothing will affect your body in this world or that one. However, you will need to stay calm, as much as you can. We are in your mind, and thus, you will be in control even without meaning to be.”

My hands curled into the seat. Staying calm? I was here because I was unable to stay calm. Because my past kept bleeding into my present. My chest felt tight again.

While I was in my own head, however, Ismene had begun to prepare. Soon the smoke filling the room thickened even further, and her chair was much closer than before. She sat and turned to me, revealing a bowl with what appeared to be an ash-and-herb mixture. Before I knew it it was on each of my fingers. She wasn't done though. A minute amount on my temporarily closed eyelids, and then on my lips, nose and mouth. She mumbled something about, “Replicating the vehicle of interaction with the world”, while she did it. My heart was beating too hard to care.

Nothing came into focus until she pressed a hand to my chest, instructing me to breathe in time with her. “And in,” she murmured, eyes closed. I did so, filling my lungs. “And out.” Her fingers were warm, almost burning. I exhaled until I no longer could.

“In.” Her voice was soothing and low, like my mother’s. “Out.” I missed her, and sometimes the village too. “In.” Memories of my father were…more complicated. He was not a man who yielded, or understood.

“In.” I swore I could hear the laughter of children in the background. It sounded far away. “Out.” I could hear other voices too. I was not sure of where I was, but then I understood why. I had not closed my eyes intentionally, but I realized I was shrouded in darkness. And when I opened them, I was in a place more familiar than before.

There in the distance was me. And I remembered this moment. I was about to say my first word.

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You know I think this is the most consistent I’ve been about a story like, ever. Which is kinda crazy

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Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates!

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Finally, very late, chapter6 is here!

Ch.6 - Kira

The night comes quickly, and by the time it’s here, the energy between me and Alice is electric.

It’s nerves, partially. We show it in different ways. I’m too jittery to drive, so tonight Alice is behind the wheel, despite her discomfort with it.

I can tell she’s nervous too. Her eyes scan the road like something might appear at any second, and she’s all too eager to get out of the car. It’s barely even in park when she jumps out. We both arrive at the worn down building with our own sense of anxiety.

Mine is mixed with hope. I want to say the same for her, but Alice can be…hard to read.

Once I’m out of the car I go to ask her, but there is already someone there. A woman, with dark silver hair and a long black dress that just barely touches the floor. She has so much jewelry on she glitters. For the first time, my doubt threatens to take over.

“Ah. I was told you were coming.” Her eyes sweep from Alice to me. “I’ve cleared out my schedule for tonight. I’ve heard you,” She turns to Alice, “may be particularly complicated.” She puts her back to us then, walking towards a brown door with golden symbols on it. “Come in, make yourself comfortable. We have a lot to discuss and it’s terribly cold.”

I do what she says, still unsure. I can feel Alice’s presence behind me, but as usual, her thoughts are a mystery. As we walk through the door, I find myself wishing we’d had a more in-depth talk about this. But it’s too late now, so I continue, sitting down on the wood-and-wool couch the oracle points me to. Alice is next to me, and the woman sits across from us both.

“Good to meet you. My name is Ismene. As I’m sure you both know, I am a diviner of sorts, and immortals are my specialty.”

I nod, while Alice simply looks at her, head tilted slightly to the side. Listening but not outwardly reacting.

“However, before we begin, I do have to give you more information. We will be going inside of Alice’s mind tonight, if we continue here. It can be frightening. It is not usually dangerous, but nothing is without its price.” She looks at us then. For the first time, I notice her eyes are two different colors. “I am going to give you a moment alone. I have a feeling you'll need it. But when you return, I expect your final answer.”

She points us to a small room off to the side and we step in. Alice is tense all over, eyes looking anywhere but at me. “You don’t have to do this.”

She opens her mouth as if to speak, but no words come out. I wish she’d look at me. A moment passes, and finally, “What choice do I have? Truly? We cannot go on like this.”

Her eyes do settle on me then, and she speaks again before I can reply.

”Do you remember what you said before, about staying?”

Hesitantly, I nod, “I do.”

”What if…you can’t stay? What if it is better for you, to be without me? I will do this, but if it does not work…”, She trails off.

“I don’t care what’s better. I love you.” I step closer now, until our chests are almost touching, and meet her eyes with mine. My hands are braces on both sides of her waist. ”You are my fire. I feel more alive with you than anywhere else.”

The wind outside is howling again. Somewhere, the trees start to bend and crack, splintering right down the middle.

“As long as you want me, you will have me.” My grip on her is firm and I do not back away. I am sure of this once again. “I promise.”

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schedule

so at this point I’ve kind of just decided that I missed the week but am hoping next chapter will be out tomorrow

sorry yall I just got real busy and real stressed

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So incredibly real

Seasonal Affective Disorder is just emotional scurvy, all my core wounds are reopening and they won't be fixed until the big lemon in the sky comes back

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I’ve literally been writing in like 10 minute increments because I’ve been so busy, I think tomorrow I’m gonna cue up the next chapter to go live on Saturday. I don’t have the time right now but I just wanna look it over and then it’ll be finished. I’m a good bit ahead thankfully so it won’t impact too much for a while. but I’m also going out of state with my bf this week so idk how much I’ll be writing

On the bright side though I might pop out some away-from-home writing. No promises but it could be good!!

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okay so chapter 5 is a day late but it’s here nonetheless! I just had a very busy day yesterday and I’m still getting used to the schedule

Ch.5 - Kira

I wake up in a panic.

Last night rushes back to me all at once. The argument, her leaving, sitting there for what felt like hours before going to bed. I didn’t really have a plan. I had just told myself that maybe if I waited long enough, she would come back in. I wasn’t concerned for her safety, physically at least. She had more than enough magic and experience to protect herself. But I didn’t know what tricks her mind would play on her.

I’m still worried about that now. It’s chilly in the bedroom, so I grab a robe and make my way outside. The living room is almost exactly as I left it. But she’s there.

Still sleeping, her eyes are rushing back and forth between her eyelids. What I can see of her arms are covered in scratches. I hesitate. She doesn’t look like she’s having a good dream but…should I wake her? I could just make it worse.

But then I remember the one time she told me what her nightmares were like. In a flash I cross the room and start to gently shake her.

She wakes faster than I expected her to, eyes snapping open to look at me. For a moment, neither of us say anything. I know I need to break the silence.

“I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have said that. I know I don’t know what you’re going through. I just wish you’d let me in. I love you, and I want to help.”

”I thought you were gone.”

Now I’m confused. I force out a hesitant, “Why?” She’s taking uneven ragged breaths.

I don’t get an answer right away, but I do get her arms around me, pulling me onto the couch. Her face is buried in my neck. “I thought you left! After how I acted, I- I didn’t think you’d want to stay. “

I pull back just a bit, so I can look at her face. Her eyes are shimmering, the gold flecks lighting up like the sunrise.

”I’ll always want to stay. I’ve never thought of leaving you.”

She looks up at me, eyes still wet with tears. “I love you. I want to get better. I want to live in the present with you. I’m so sorry for before.”

My hand goes to her face, cupping her cheek while I reassure her, “It’s alright. I know you are struggling with something I cannot fully understand.”

A smile pulls at her lips then, breaking over the cloud of sadness on her face. I’m not done though.

“I…saw something. A friend showed me, actually. There’s an oracle not too far from here.”

Her smile drops a little. “What? Who?”

”A former classmate from The University. Apparently the oracle, she works mostly with immortals like…well…you. Born witches, ones who don’t age and have to carry around their past.” My hand that’s not on her face goes to clasp her hand. I’m kneeling on the ground and somewhere in me I know this is an odd way to bring this up. But I feel like for a rare moment she’s open to trying.

“It’s perfect for us, for you. Just try. Please.”

She looks at me, and for a second I think she’s going to say no. The tension is hanging in the air and my knees are starting to hurt from the hard floor. I’m not even breathing.

“Okay. I’ll try it.”

The world starts up again from its pause. I wrap my arms around her, leaning over her onto the couch. I kiss her forehead, then her cheeks, then her lips. “Yes! Thank you!” I lean back a little bit, “Can we go tonight?”

She’s laughing a little, my energy infectious. “We can go tonight, yes.”

I lean against her again, smiling. Her arms are around me and her warmth envelopes me. I think this is the start of a better future.

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fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s ‘i am an observer, but not by choice.’

[text id: my fist has always been clenched around the handle of an invisible suitcase. / i am always ready to leave. / there is not a single room in this world where i belong.]

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turns out true adulting (at least in your 20s) is cleaning your bathroom in installments. Who knew

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shout out to the person who asked me for this by the way, i don’t know if you’d liked to be named but this was definitely a good step

Masterlist for my novella (currently untitled)

Started: Nov 30th 2024

Last Updated: Nov 30th 2024

Chapter count: 4

Chapter 1:

Chapter 2:

Chapter 3:

Chapter 4:

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Masterlist for my novella (currently untitled)

Started: Nov 30th 2024

Last Updated: Nov 30th 2024

Chapter count: 4

Chapter 1:

Chapter 2:

Chapter 3:

Chapter 4: