valtrain-of-thoughts

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

The worst break-up is when you love someone but know they are not right for you, so you let them go.

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

My Multiple Personalities

Do you ever find yourself arguing with one of your other selves?

That makes me sound insane; probably not the best wording for that question.

In one of my regular monologues in my head, I found that another inside voice started to argue with my thoughts and ideas. [This still makes me sound insane] What I am trying to say is that I feel like I am multiple people at a time, each fighting within me to gain complete control. Damn... I guess there is no way to actually not sound as if I have an actual personality disorder (which I do not, just to clarify).

I will try to rephrase that again.

We have all gone through a phase of trying to find ourselves, figuring out what we want to do with our lives, who we want to become, etc. I am currently battling with that conundrum. On the one side, I want to be a person with a successful career -- hustling, working, moving up the professional ladder, making a significant amount of money, and living a luxurious life. In short, I want to become a Boss Bitch, as this generation would say. However, there is this other side of me that just wants to be a stay-at-home mom; having a husband and a family, making dinners, going out for brunch with the gals, driving the kids to soccer practice...

Sometimes those two ideals meet in the middle, and there is peace within my head and heart. There are other times when they want to destroy each other because they can have very opposing views, they cannot coexist.

When I go out for walks, I find myself having this internal dialogue of who I am, what I am doing, how I am doing, and what I want to be doing. In one of those walks, I started to feel overwhelmed because I started feeling insecure about some of the most recent decisions I had made (because they did not coincide with my old-fashioned self). However, as soon as this other voice appeared I felt that each aspect of my life had a different thing to say and I could not converge them to turn them all into just one, me. I am at a point in my life where it feels as if everything has to be an all-or-nothing type of decision, and that gets hard when I cannot even decide exactly who of these people I want to be... So, I just try to live with all of my personalities and hope that they do not destroy one another.

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

Romanticizing Your Life

Do you scroll through social media and it is filled with endless videos of "GRWM", "Sunday Reset", "A Day in the life", "grocery restock", etc...? It does not matter whether it is on tiktok, instagram, pinterest, the videos are everywhere. They have become more and more popular; just like this idea of Romanticizing Your Life. It is this idea that whatever you do, sort of do it as if you were a popular influencer living their best life, in very simple terms. Go to a coffee shop? Take a cute pic of the place, dress up, record yourself going through social media, post it. Going grocery shopping? Take a video of when you leave your house, film the trip to the store, take videos of you picking out your groceries, have a cute outfit on. Do this for everything that you do in your day.

We, or at least I, have grown up with this idea that one day you will reach a point when you are done. You are done working, studying, hustling... you are done, you got THERE. Where is there? I don't know, I don't think anybody knows. There has been this idea that ONE DAY you will have the life you want, that you will be happy, that you will not be struggling anymore. But what about now? I want to be happy now, I want to have the life I want now; I don't want to wait. That is the idea behind romanticizing your life. Don't wait until you get THERE to live and enjoy your life; make where you are now that THERE you want to be in. (I'm not sure that phrase was right, but you get the point) Stop waiting for some magical time to come, make THIS time magical.

We spend too much time worrying about the future, the what ifs, that we forget we are living our lives right NOW. Of course you will have goals and aspirations, of course you want more things,but do not overlook who you are now, where you are now, and the things you have accomplished thus far. Enjoy the little moments in life, the little things... at the end, it will be the memories that will count more. Keep working on bettering yourself, on achieving those dreams/goals you have; just don't forget that your life is happening right now.

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

I assure you, I’m not put together at all. Nor am I broken. I am recovering - finding the beautiful in the ugly and stitching it into my life.

Rachel Wolchin

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

Moving On

I do not know how to continue. I feel stuck. It is hard to let go of certain people, of certain things, of a certain part of yourself. We are constantly changing, nothing is ever the same.

There are moments when you realize that you need to keep moving forward and that in order to do that, there are certain things that need to be left behind. Sometimes it is hard; you know exactly what it is that you have to do and who is not someone you can take with you, but it is hard.

Moving on is hard. It is particularly hard when you cannot take that special someone with you. That someone that was a huge part of your life for a while but you know, that they are not helping you become who you need (or want) to be. You know, that the moment when they brought something into your life is over. But how can you let go of them? How can you let go of the person you were with them? How can you keep moving on when all you want is to stay right there with them?

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

The People You Meet

I have always believed that we never meet anyone randomly; everyone who comes into your life is to show you something. It does not matter if it is a momentary relationship or a long-lasting one, either way, you can learn something from them. And sometimes, it is you who teaches the other person that lesson.

Throughout the different stages of your life, you meet new groups of people, develop new hobbies, do new things, etc. We are constantly growing and changing. That is why I can't help but wonder, how is it possible for us to have life-long relationships? You know those relationships, particularly with friends, where you can go through all sorts of things and still be a relationship you can certainly count on. Is it because you are growing together? What happens if you grow together but apart but somehow they are still there?

I am constantly thinking about the fact that if I met today, the important people in my life (aka my best friend), they would not be my best friend anymore. I don't even think we would even be friends. I think about our relationship and our personalities, and I don't think that we match. At least not the way we used to. I know that we both have our own paths to create and we are our own person and I think it is inevitable to change. When I met her, she changed me, so much. She made a more open and communicative person, she helped me identify and navigate my feelings, she showed me that the person I am is okay, even if I don't always think so. She has taught me so much. She has always had my back and is there whenever I need her.

I always thought that we would be friends forever. (That is so childish to say/think) But lately, we barely talk, we barely see each other, we barely do anything together. I worry that this friendship, which I thought would be a long-lasting one, is coming to an end. I worry that the lesson she was meant to teach me has been taught. I worry that we grew so much that we ended up growing apart.

Everyone that comes into your life, is there for a reason. You never know for how long, what the reason is, but always be sure to receive them with a warm-heart, be open, cherish all the little moments, and never forget. These are the people you meet.

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

I don't think people understand how hard it is when your toxic trait is self-isolation & avoidance, but your love language is physical touch and quality time.

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

A letter I will never send to him

I wish you would still think about me. I wish you would miss me and want me back. I wish you thought about me as much as I think about you. I wish that the time we were together means as much to you as it means to me.

I hope you are well, I hope that you are moving on; but I also want you to be extremely sad about our separation. I want you to want me back. I wish you would reach out to me, that you just NEED to talk to me. I hope that you are not reaching out to me out of pride and not because I am out of your mind.

I wish you could tell me your feelings. I wish you could tell me you are hurt and that you want me back, even though I know I am not coming back to you. I know I did the right thing by leaving, I still wish you want me back. I want it to hurt as much as it is till hurting me.

I loved you, I still love you. I will always love you. You were my first love and you will always be. But you were not good to me, I know that and I am trying to move on. It is hard, and it will be hard for a while, but eventually I will move on. And so will you; perhaps you already did. I want to find someone who values me and cherishes me and loves me, and that makes me feel it. I just hope I will.... It is hard to think about a future without you in it. But I need to make peace with that.

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely

Being alone is not a bad thing. We are often very self-conscious of being by ourselves, or at least I am. Whether I am alone at home or outside, there is a little voice in my head that says "why are you alone, weirdo?"; this is particularly on days when I have been spending time by myself for more than one day in a row. It is as if my brain would tell me that I need friends to make plans with and not just be by myself.

But, I am realizing that I sort of like being by myself. I enjoy my own company. And yes, sometimes I do wish I was the kind of person that always had plans with other people and goes out and has many adventures. For the most part though, I enjoy my simple simple solitary life. That does not mean I am lonely, or at least I am trying not to be. Because it is possible to be by yourself and not be lonely -- you just have to be comfortable with you.

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

Sometimes the end means the start of something new.

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

I use Tumblr as my personal journal

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

What the f* am I doing with my life?

They say that no one has anything figured out, that everyone is just winging it. I don`t believe that.

Most of the times I feel so lost and without any direction. I have no idea what the f* I am doing. I don´t believe that everyone is pretending to have sh*t together; pretending is hard and exhausting. If everyone was pretending/winging it, everyone would eventually burn out. But that's not the case. So no, I don't buy it.

I've always felt lost, like I didn't belong anywhere, like I had no purpose. But lately, that feeling is changing to an even more terrifying one -- I feel like I am just floating. I feel as if life is just passing by and I'm just watching from the side lines. I see my friends building things for themselves, getting careers, exploring, and just having the time of their lives. Meanwhile, I am just lying down feeling as if I don't even exist, as if I'm doing nothing.

People keep saying that it is okay, that I am in my 20's so it is my time to figure things out. I don't know where to even begin looking, what am I supposed to be doing? I keep waiting for that moment when something inside of me just clicks. But that it's not going to happen. That is the stuff from movies. So what is the next best thing I could think of? Self-help books that basically all say the same: "it's okay to not have everything figured out, nobody does"; "you're not the only one going through this"; etc.

I wished there was a "fast-forward" button for life, to see what I am meant to do... to see that everything is going to be okay.

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

Do yourself a favor and learn how to walk away. When a connection starts to fade, learn how to let it go. When a person starts to mistreat you, learn how to move on … to something and someone better. Don’t waste your energy trying to force something that isn’t meant to be.

Reyna Biddy

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

“Someone somewhere is searching for you in every person they meet.”

— Unknown

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

Alone or Lonely?

For a big part of my life, I hated going alone to any place. I always had to have someone to go with me. It wasn't until I moved out that I started going places by myself. I remember being so scared and felt so self conscious -- I thought people would think that I didn't have any friends or that I was a weirdo. But I didn't know anyone, I had moved to a whole different country on my own to start university.

Five years ago, when I moved to another country to start university, the idea of having to go anywhere by myself was dreadful. Five years ago, I would spend my days hiding inside my tiny single dorm room eating sandwiches and frozen meals. As time went by, going places alone got to be easier, and easier... now, I think it may have gotten TOO EASY. Now, I would much rather go anywhere I need to go on my own.

I have always been a very introverted person; I had a hard time making friends, I have always had just a couple of close friends. However, I still would much rather do everything on my own. I even plan my days just with me in mind (sometimes this does create some tensions in my relationships). You know how they say that you should be comfortable and enjoy your own company? Well, I think I got too good at being on my own.

I might be overthinking this whole thing. Going places by myself and not being self-conscious about it has always been part of my bucket list (weird, I know). It started small -- I would go to the mall alone, you know, a place infested of so many people that no one would ever notice me. Then, I started going to coffee shops, just sitting there, reading, looking at my phone, and sipping. The first few times it was challenging; I remember not really looking up from the ground and always trying to find a place in the back corner, where I could go unnoticed. Now, I go to restaurants and even movies on my own. I am very proud of myself, in a way it is very empowering to go places by yourself and be comfortable with it.

On the other hand, sometimes, while I am quietly minding my own business and I take a look around of people laughing, being in love, having some really heartfelt conversations, I wonder -- am I really alone because I want to be alone or because I never really learned to connect with other people? Maybe I am lonely. Why can't I enjoy being around people as much as others? Why do I feel like I shouldn't reach out to the people I call "friends" for random outings? Why do I feel as if I am bothering them if I do? Maybe I am just broken and I tell lies to myself like I enjoy my own company to mask my loneliness...

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

Success

Why do we always compare ourselves to others? Why is it so important that I'm doing better than them? Or that they are doing better than me and I need to change that? Why do we measure our success in comparison to others' success?

That person that you're comparing yourself to, is comparing themselves to someone else, and someone is comparing themselves to you. It's never enough, is it? I wish that I could just be content with where I am and how far I've come. But no. It's always something, a little voice in the back of my head saying "You are not doing enough", "You are not succeeding", or "You are going nowhere". Why is it never "Hey, look at you! You are better than yesterday!", "Can you believe that we made it all the way here?", "Awesome, you left the house without it being a mess, way to go!"?

I wish I could celebrate the little victories. Focus on what I have and how far I've come rather than what I'm missing and how much further I want to go. Or do I even want to go any further? I'm not even sure if all of these expectations are me setting them for myself or if they are a result of how the world is.

I wish I could just be happy with the success of others and also be happy with my own success. Even if it looks different than other people's. It's okay that we have different definitions and ideas of what we want in life and what we want to do. I need to make my peace with that.

But it's hard.

[valtrain-of-thoughts]

“I think too deeply about everything. I still don’t know if that allows me to see more of the world, or less of it.”

— Mobeen Hakeem