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#ohhh yeah this too#ive had dreams periodically where i HAVE to talk to them and it leaves me feeling anxious in the morning thinking ive fucked up
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Angery again
#its very epic very cool to feel cheated and used#i wish i wasn't so caught up in all this still but man it fucking BLOWS seeing her in the online list of oomfs server#just knowing they are in my space or area i feel so anxious. like theyll use whatever i do to justify their hatred of me#but what can u do when youre dealing with ppl who havent left high school zzz#also very funny to see one of them with a f*lin pfp. like something humorous abt someone so twisted having a literal saint as their pfp but#thats just me being petty at a point and i dont like thinking that but. ♡♡♡
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Woaw
#having fun with friends again. it is nice#im working on trying to think about the situation less and having a connection to friends again is a good start#i don't think theres anything to be salvaged with the two of them#im happy enough to be my own person#i wont become someone's pet again#like today SUCKED#but having ppl to spend time with made it better#yippee#i also do in fact have a soft spot for someone and its so joever
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Oh yeah
#i mentioned upgrading my computer to my dad#and he said something along the lines of thinking i didn't play games anymore#like damn!! i really have just been quiet and on my own#i should try to find another group but#it always ends up falling apart at the end so y bother#i can be good at being alone again#surely
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Zamn
#sometimes you really are just a fun toy for ppl to break and thats all you get#i wish id dedicated my time to people who actually like me instead of see me as a new opportunity#but yknow#you learn ig#and you let the anger fester in your heart as u realize no one cared that u just disappeared#do i even fucking matter to anyone#or is it what I feared and im someone whos fun to do things with and not someone youd ever want to know as a person
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Hhhh
#my paranoia is off the fucking charts man#im so convinced everyone thinks im cruel and awful at work with my family with friends#i don't think there is any good in me#im antagonistic and conniving and drama hungry and no one wants to be around that#i dont know who to believe. the people saying i am awful and manipulative or the people who say im kind and care about others#i dont know who i am#i wish I was just hollow. someone who didnt stand out and everyone just knows as that guy
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Aaaaaaaaaaa
#im so tired of being so lonely. i miss having people to just idly chat with#im to terrified to try and find another place like that#i dont want to believe im actually wanted around again#i should know better or whatevererrrrrr#self pitying bullshit but man. something abt having multiple ppl tell u how much they enjoy having u around and are just#so okay with u dissappearing#i gave up on starting convos. i havent talked to either of them in a month now and one of them could barely even be considered talking to#its actually been abt 3 months with him but w/e#what can u do
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Blisster my anchor
#woumds never heal when you rub them with salt 🕺 putting you on timeout since you cant be an adult 🕺#the timing of the song getting released is iconic
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Yeah that sure was today
#always is#i dont know why anyone fucking bothers#those two had the right of it#im not worth the investment#deep at my core im miserable and awful and I shouldn't be around anyone#i wish I could lie and say i didnt stare at the highway every one of my lunch breaks#that every time a car passed by me i didnt think of crunching bones#its so awful its so miserable#theres no more dates anymore its simply always pounding in the back of my head#im a terrible daughter and even worse son and im nothing but a letdown to anyone who tries to help me#whats even the god damn point
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I feel!! Stupid
#i think#im going to stop trying#i dont want it to seem like im trying to worm my way into anything#as much as i miss my friends even when I get the only other one who will do things with me to play league i feel like im an inconvenience#it aches so badly knowing none of them want me around the way I need them#the loneliness has become so crushing
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hot artists don't gatekeep
I've been resource gathering for YEARS so now I am going to share my dragons hoard
Floorplanner. Design and furnish a house for you to use for having a consistent background in your comic or anything! Free, you need an account, easy to use, and you can save multiple houses.
Comparing Heights. Input the heights of characters to see what the different is between them. Great for keeping consistency. Free.
Magma. Draw online with friends in real time. Great for practice or hanging out. Free, paid plan available, account preferred.
Smithsonian Open Access. Loads of free images. Free.
SketchDaily. Lots of pose references, massive library, is set on a timer so you can practice quick figure drawing. Free.
SculptGL. A sculpting tool which I am yet to master, but you should be able to make whatever 3d object you like with it. free.
Pexels. Free stock images. And the search engine is actually pretty good at pulling up what you want.
Figurosity. Great pose references, diverse body types, lots of "how to draw" videos directly on the site, the models are 3d and you can rotate the angle, but you can't make custom poses or edit body proportions. Free, account option, paid plans available.
Line of Action. More drawing references, this one also has a focus on expressions, hands/feet, animals, landscapes. Free.
Animal Photo. You pose a 3d skull model and select an animal species, and they give you a bunch of photo references for that animal at that angle. Super handy. Free.
Height Weight Chart. You ever see an OC listed as having a certain weight but then they look Wildly different than the number suggests? Well here's a site to avoid that! It shows real people at different weights and heights to give you a better idea of what these abstract numbers all look like. Free to use.
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Shoutouts to that piece being one that really just. Got the feeling
#something something letting yourself be open again only to find youre being torn apart again#something something i should've acknowledged the red flags rather than dismissing them as paranoia
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Anxiety inducing as it is
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I have found my friends
#im silly 👉👈#i should invest time in the people who care and love me instead of yearning for it from people who do not#i know this is momentary and that tomorrow night ill probably be in the meat grinder again#but sometimes i forget friends are supposed to yknow. be there for u instead of just!!! leaving u to dry#im so lucky even though i disappear sometimes they still think of me and care about me#finding out one of them kept talking to the other abt how they kept hoping id come around so we could guilty gear#and i had so much fun#and my local friends have been watching movies ive suggested with me and been making plans and whatnot#like wow holy shit!!! i knew it sucked but i didnt realize how badly it sucked!! its actually rather easy to make time for people lmao#getting into digging territory but frankly it is embarrassing that ive had people who have school AND work AND are beholdened to family find#time for me#like fuck!! thats wild!! there was literally 0 excuse for how to the side i was and how little care was shown for my interests!#i was literally meant to be nothing more than a dog and its wild#en e way. today was good. its been a while since a good day#my friends gave me early birthday gifts too since they know i want nothing other than to explode during my actual birthday#like wowow. there are people who actually do know me
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Aaaaaaaa
#i am just chain after chain of explosion and anger#its all bottled inside but got its agonizing its so painful#i dont know what to think or feel or do#i feel like a powder keg about to explode. its so fucking awful#stressor after stressor and theres nothing im able to do about any of them so i just saunter into work and out#i want to decay#i want to feel safe and like there is calmness if only for a moment
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And its like
#im aware where i messed up#i pull away when things get like how they are now and its something i still need to get better at but#god damn if i didn't try to push through my paranoia for their sake#and i feel like in return i just kept getting table scraps#and i don't think they know how crushed i am#i don't know if id want them to#as angry and hurt and upset as I am and as much as i want to give a big grand fuck you#thats not me#i dont think it is#and i keep holding onto this false hope that maybe theyre still good#i dont believe in good people. we all fuck up. but i keep hoping something will change despite how deep down i know it wont
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