#its so awful its so miserable
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Yeah that sure was today
#always is#i dont know why anyone fucking bothers#those two had the right of it#im not worth the investment#deep at my core im miserable and awful and I shouldn't be around anyone#i wish I could lie and say i didnt stare at the highway every one of my lunch breaks#that every time a car passed by me i didnt think of crunching bones#its so awful its so miserable#theres no more dates anymore its simply always pounding in the back of my head#im a terrible daughter and even worse son and im nothing but a letdown to anyone who tries to help me#whats even the god damn point
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been extra miserable about them this past week
#WHYYYYYY WHY CANT THEY BE HAPPY#mxtx can we talk....lets discuss mxtx listen to me#and its just . banging my head into a wall their whole thing is they never be happy in any life . ever again#because they Die . and thats it poof out of the reincarnation cycle#FUCK YOUUUUU BFLF RUINING MY LIFE#canon im beating you with a stick like a feral animal#ill be sitting minding my own business and my brain will go dream on like shut the fuck upppppppp#bawling my eyes out rn#this is so awful i hate u bflf i hope youre both miserable#no i dont sorry please be happy#ok . ok deep breaths#art tag#tgcf#shi qingxuan#he xuan#beefleaf
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I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI.
#not dislike. its hate#it made me cry several times today#thinking of how my classmates manipulate our teachers#and chatgpt AIs can EVERYTHING#its so painful to think of it#today I broke down in the bus and cried#idc what people think. hiding my feelings any longer would destroy me from the inside#maybe youve also seen how people use freakin AIs in their exams#the thing is that:#we wrote an exam for which Ive studies for like 2 whole days#this week we finally got the exams back (w the grades ofc)#and ok Ive got a 3 (C in America syste#*m)#my friends who used chatgpt throughout the exam got way better grades (I didnt expect it otherwise)#PLUS#the most provocating messages from the teacher:#“10/10 POINTS :)” “YOURE ROCKING THIS” “YEAH”#💔#seriously#this breaks my heart#dont the teacher see something suspect in the exam?!#why cant they open their eyes and get modernized to reality.#& they KNOW- the students Im talking of. they usally have bad results.#once our teacher came to a chatgpt student and said the most miserable thing:#“youve been using duolingo a lot lately hm? thats where your nice grades come from 😉🥰”#you get it?#no- this peoson didnt learn.#no- this person isnt even interested in the stuff we learn in lessons#AWFUL feeling to hear the praisings of da teachers when *I* gotta sit among the gpt-students and look like Im a worse student than *them*#[writing this at almost 1 at night] still have some tears. this topic really has the power to destroy someones day. 💔💔
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"then i guess we do"
#FUCK.#im so tired and im so gay and i just want paper girls kinda love instead of my long awful miserable life#its not even that im yearning its literally that id rather be mac and [REDACTED] rather than go to school the rest of this week#at least she has a gf. some of us are restricted to instagram dms and the occasional wave in the hallways#the overdue asteroid strikes again#paper girls
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🐁☁️🌫️
#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant#nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it#it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer#ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know#it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are#but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom#bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park#i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that#i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none#my sisters havent talked for me in over a year#and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w#nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao#i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots#i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol?????#im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay#and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like#when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!!#im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing?#other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing?????#and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things#i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))
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color layers are fun, weeeee *dies broken and bloody in a sewer*
Closeups for readability
#ss; alter#i want to beat kritas text tool to death its so fucking bad and awful and no good and terrible and miserable and annoying and ew and yuck a#anyway#took me a while but i finished this faster than i did isadoras#had fun painting again!! i used a different method and brush this time tho#anyway anyway i added some fun hidden details and whoever finds them gets a star emoji#lots of trivia and behind the scenes stuff here
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It's difficult dealing with so many people who think we aren't meant to be with eachother. I don't get why someone else's relationship can mean so much to bystanders. Can't you find something else to do?
#mine#yandere#yancore#irl yandere#yanderecore#yandere vent#yanposting#i just. self confidence can only get you so far. surrounded by people who are saying awful things wears me down so much#i hate them so much and i wish they never existed. its making me stronger supposedly but the only thing i feel like its actually doing is#making me violent and miserable and angry and nauseous. please stop saying those things about him#i try to block it out but its literally everywhere. this is all i have. this is ALL I HAVE. BUT IT DOESNT MATTER HUH#and it feels like theyre all against me. and the only thing i can do is cry and hate them more and more#and the only thing i can do is love him the most. but only by myself. because no one can comprehend the lengths i would go#and no one takes it seriously and appreciates that its the only thing keeping me sane and the only reason why im here rn#but then again. they dont matter do they?#i just need to permanently kill that part of me that cares what they think. because nothing else and no one else matters!! ok??
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...
#shout out to my nana for saying my dad spends money like water#my dad who struggles with the idea of spending money bc of obsessive compilation thoughts but is making an effort#bc whats the point of saving up all your life just to die. nana? my dad whose wife is literally dying of cancer and is beginning to circle#the drain so hes deciding he wants to start spending his retirement money now while shes still alive. u old witch. Jesus christ. my mum#isnt gonna live forever. shes getting her bladder removed in February i think. imo ill just b happy if she lives past the end of my 5year#program. like holy fuck. i mean. its not really nanas fault. she probably has 0cd and probably has 0cpd. but like this is y u wanna try to#get better. so you dont grow into a miserable old fuck whose family hates u bc ur awful and killing ur husband thru ur illness. just saying#as someone whose can see their own behaviors mirrored in her. this is y i cant go on like this lol#hopefully i hit my rock bottom last year. ugh. i just wish i could sleep. when im not super depressed i cant seem to get a normal amount of#sleep and im exhausted all afternoon. im awake at night and early in the morning. it makes me nauseous too. insomnia i guess#but ive always slept rather little. maybe it was compulsive and now im just old and cant take it#hate it. wish it would stop but at least i dont feel like dying anymore i guess. im guessing the meds r exacerbating thr sleep issues if not#causing it. ugh symptom management i guess#unrelated
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It Is So Fucking Expensive To Live Out Here
#the housemate who brought up us paying more of the rent is coming home today and i am quite frankly.#a little terrified.#i cant pay any more than i already do. at least not until i get another job#which. made email contact with my potential caseworker yesterday and she will hopefully be calling me soon#kiiinda hoping i can get help with a rental voucher of some kind#i like living out here but Christ.#anyway. it's not like this housemate can actually make me (or my roommate) pay any more than we do#we have everything in writing i'm pretty sure#i need to double check#but he can probably make me miserable#so that's fun !#like we split rent by size of room#so the single room [redacted] and i share is uhhh. $975 or so#but we each pay half that because we share the room#the other two housemates pay $725 and $675 for their rooms#Christ just typing those is awful#like we could *maybe* pay $500 each for our room. $1000 for a shared bedroom.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#^ having An Time#love being Insane. its so fun how it makes it extremely difficult to have a job.#i miss washing dishes :(
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rip michael you would’ve loved that gay firefighter show
#no i do not know anything about the gay firefighter show#but i keeping seeing it compared to to the destiel confession and IMDSJRMFHF#MICHAEL AND AWFUL NETWORK TV. SO REAL TO ME#⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc#idk if awfuls the right word for this i dont know. insane? the kind you’d THINK would queerbait? yea#scooped michael hates streaming and its 8 episode seasons
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every day s2 does draw a little closer and every day i fear for alastor & vox specifically ,,, such great characters that i believe will be handled SO poorly and i’m resigned to sit on the sidelines and watch
#hi i have a fever blister and im miserable. so naturally im gonna lament some woes#like ughhhh i do NOT trust the writing of this show to handle either of these characters well#s2 is such a mixed bag for me because i’m like yay!!! vox time!!! and then i’m like oh no. vox time.#alastor is more of a long term issue i think. so my fear for him isn’t TOO strong yet but#ohhh i don’t think vivzie can write mental illness well if it isn’t a specific special brand of mental illness so. eeeeh#idk!! vox being the main antagonist of s2 is inchresting in a lot of ways. especially a catra sort of way!#but given vivzie’s record with villain characters ( adam / mammon / stella / poor striker! ) i just.#really fear that vox will become a one dimensional villain who’s revealed to have been evil all along or w/e wfhwkfkws#like i think fanon’s valid interpretation of him having a bleeding heart and being a deeply hurt person#as well as someone who was given intense abandonment issues … i just feel like that’s gonna be HEAVILY disproven#like oh actually vox is acting like this because his ego was hurt from one little rejection isn’t he AWFUL?? etc etc#and dgmw i dont WANT them to woobify him either! i dont want the narrative to sympathize with him too much#but i also dont want completely villainization either#which is ironcally my fear for alastor as well. i dont want them to erase all his good traits just to make him a big villain#just like i dont want them to erase all his BAD traits to make him a plot twist victim#ugh </3 its complicated! s2 in general makes me nervous for a lot of reasons#and i’d rather go in expecting the worst than to expect something good and be let down i suppose!!#anyway uh good morning imma pass out and then do drafts adjskdjsd
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i genuinely hate being so fucking clingy but i want to be around her all the time and she probably just thinks of me as a friend from that one class but i think she's so much fun to be around and i want to spend more time with her but i dont want to be clingy and push her away fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
#I CANT EVER BE NORMAL ABOUT ANYONE EVER#its the childhood trauma! no dont leave me! ha ha! ha. ha.#:/ genuinely it feels awful#i want to be wanted as much as i want other people#im like the most affectionate person i want to give my friends kisses and hug them and cuddle them n shit so when its someone i think#of romantically its like ramped up 80000000 percent and i get miserable#why do i always go for inaccessible people its so fucking evil#god i like her so much and she's gonna leave me soon#im so tired of it#even as a friend i jsut want to be around her#but i dont think we're close enough for me to say that to her#cherry talk
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nobody look at me.
#BUT I THINK.#i want to lie in the snow with him. and um i live in a place that doesn’t experience snow so maybe its miserable and awful in reality but#it sounds cute to me at least... i want him to brush the snow out of my hair and ueue he could hold me close to keep me warm#he’s truly everything to me. but also#when bae dies of hypothermia 🥺😳#mika ♡ ajax#💭
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feeling like im being driven to my execution (its a drs appointment)
#p#also thats a little dramatic but i do hate them so much#i was feelin like well ill be uncomfortable n miserable but its not the end of the world#buuuut then i remembered (TMI AHEAD U HAVE BEEN WARNED)#that last month ish when i was here for an actual concern (n agreed to this physical bleh)#i was told im overdue for another pap smear n like they cant force me into it ofc but i know its smart to do it#cuz i already have lots of anxieties abt what if i secretly have some disease or condition n im gonna die blah blah blahh#but last time it was so awful n i was like crying thru it cuz of the pain which. isnt normal#googling it afterwards i found ppl saying stuff like 'it might be weird n uncomfortable but not too bad'#so i was like well ok thats just me then i guess :/#n anyway i def think i have that condition called w/e cuz ive never been able to do any kind of like. anything in there#not like day to day its a huge deal but for this its not too fortunate :/#so long story short i remembered ill have to decide if ill let them do it again at this appt#n i was reading abt the process again n then uh oh crying -_-#omw now n idk what ill do tbh. def wanna say no but also idk i shld be responsible or smth#dies instead.#n anyway even if its just the super basic physical theyre gonna do ill still wanna become an incorporeal entity thing#hate it hereeeee (body)#its a PA im seeing who i remember being nice some other time i saw her so theres that at least#theyre gonna wanna weigh me tho i forgot that too jeez#i said no last time but idk. kms
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oh also what are your thoughts on the recent hnk chapters I read them and they shattered my heart
I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE you know at one point i was so upset by chapter 98 and 99 that i completely blocked it out of my memory and forgot about it for a while. that was funny. i was so upset when my friend reminded me what happened
but anyways hnk is such a beautiful piece of writing and it also makes me want to explode and crawl in a hole and die maybe. like i cant say that this sort of ending is completely unprecedented hnk is an odd series but like 99 and onward feel so strange and disconnected from everything else. i think thats mostly due to phos not even being phos anymore really and all of the other characters being out of the picture so it barely feels like the same series anymore. which im sure is like, the point, but still
i dont really know how it makes me feel. bad, mostly. i think its the kind of. lack of closure?? for phos? like when i think about hnk i think about phos and their relationships with like. shinsha and antarc and cairngorm and others but like none of phos' relationships really got any kind of proper closure. and it makes me feel miserable and awful. we all moved on but i stayed at ill find you a new job thats better and more fun. you know
#cryn answers#orioncore#orion tag#hnk tag#i dont even think its like. the kind of miserable where its still a little bit fun#like most recent example alnst#its like absolutely horrific but brainrotting over how awful it makes me feel is like. fun.#and i think hnk was like that to me for a long time#but now i just feel plain miserable and hopeless#its still a really weird beautiful work that i will think about forever but it does not inspire joy in me in its last chapters#i am so curious to know how it ends
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lemferos. thinking so much about them lately
#friends at the table#fatt#seasons of hieron#hieron#rosa art#fero feritas#lem king#lemfero#ok you can barely see safewater in lems hair in the first one but he is there#i listened to a mountain goats fero playlist the other night and it made me a kindof miserable#and the next day i went well what if.i drew fero happy for once what about that#lemfero is The Thing its true and real to me basically. theyre#the thing is their breakup is so fun and i really love when theyre kind of awful to each other BUT WELL the potential for them caring.#about each other and being sweet. its post canon to me ive got a whole timeline by which i shouldve probably drawn them more wrinkles#im having fun drawing lately AND liking what i draw its still. mindblowing#gearing up for secsam.i guess : )#i love drawing fero on green backgrounds i think 80% if feros ive drawn are like this#ok one last thing well if you read all these. thanks : ) i like talking. but yeah when i started sketching lem looked wildly different#in each drawing(i had another one of just him i just didnt like at all) and it was funny to me bc u could clearly see#who my favourite of the two was(its fero) but i think now its kind of fine so i cant make that joke anymore but i still did wanna mention it#.#im going to bed now
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