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many-gay-magpies · 2 years

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the urge i have to write novels of groups' lore. is astronomical. if you ever plan on writing that dark moon novel I WILL JOIN YOU I'LL DO IT NO HESITATION WE'RE PRACTICALLY ALREADY WRITING ONE RN

oh god the reader-insert-ness of sooha in the webnovel is sO BAD MAGS. i physically cringed a few times. have a Lot of thoughts abt the sooha i wish we had because yes !!! a sooha with walls built because she has trouble trusting people !! because her whole life she's been judged and been an outcast !! a sooha who fights for her life first and asks questions later because she's just so afraid !!!! and a process of opening up and learning to be vulnerable and loved !!!!!! i also very much see a moment for her when she realizes that if the vampire boys with all their dumbassery/weirdness (and borderline creepiness when you think of the night-prowling) can manage to be the most popular students at decelis, hell, maybe she can too. sooha is a character with a Long way to go in terms of self-love too and i wish her arc could be dedicated to accepting herself in all her uniqueness and growing to be stronger with friends like her by her side. you know, instead of getting a boyfriend. i will not lie to you though, i do still enjoy canon sooha's positivity and bubbly energy. its fun to picture the dark moon boys and sooha like the "sunshine/sunshine protector" meme too, if you know the meme. just sooha w her seven besties that would kill a man for her

OKAY HEAR ME OUT. SHION AND JAKAH ON THEIR LITTLE CRYPTID WALK AND THEY DECIDE TO RACE EXCEPT SHION ON THE CEILING AND JAKAH ON THE FLOOR BC SHION SWEARS ANTIGRAV CEILING TRAVEL IS FASTER THAN NORMAL RUNNING AND JAKAH IS OBVIOUSLY LIKE "i am literally superpowered in terms of speed" AND SHION INSISTING ON RACING ANYWAY (jakah wins ofc and shion ends up kind of dizzy and motion-sick after)

-vrvr anon

NO ALL OF THIS. SO MUCH. id have so many plans for an actually good dark moon novel bro im not kidding like id probably make sooha way more traumatized than she is in canon because i like writing traumatized characters but..... there would be SO MUCH . and hell id probably come up with an entirely different backstory for sooha and the boys and how they were connected Before because the whole princess + knights thing lowkey makes me cringe HDJHFFJGF

BUT ANYWays. SOOHA. YES. the sooha we could have had........ *wipes away single tear* shes so beautiful bro :') EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID IM HAVING SO MANY FEELINGS . sooha with walls a mile thick !! sooha who fights first and asks questions later !! yes !!!!! a sooha who's just. so constantly afraid all the time of being cast out or shunned or even KILLED for something she's not even sure she IS, and covers that fear with the biggest show of bravery she knows how to put on because the fear only lets them know she's vulnerable. don't let them know. never let them know

like you said though i do like the (webtoon) canon dynamic of her being sunshine and all the boys being her seven sunshine protectors (that dynamic is my absolute shit shjfbfjfb its SO sweet) but even then id like it even better if the dynamic was less focused on sooha and heli's romance plot and more focused on... sooha..... like just imagine. a sooha that's aggressively sweet and kind and cheery, a sooha that's unwaveringly positive, precisely BECAUSE she's been through so much shit in her life and she doesn't want to be the "evil, murdering vampire" that everyone sees her as, so she covers all her bad parts up with a sunny attitude and a bright smile, hoping that people won't hate her that way. she's friendly and personable, but after chris she always kept people at arm's length so that no one could find out the truth. this sooha still needs to learn how to love herself, and be vulnerable; how to accept that who she is isn't something to be ashamed of. hell, she might even be on par with salty defensive brash sooha in my head :')

[HELP i didnt mean to go and make sunshine sooha angsty as well but. really all my headcanons for her boil down to her being ostracized and attacked all her life and building up walls to protect herself, just in different ways. now that i think about it my ideas for a lot of characters (whether they're headcanons for other characters or ideas for my original characters) involve them putting up masks to hide their true selves/feelings so that they can't be hurt, whats up with that actually--]

OKAY NOW ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE. i just got the very funny image of the "sunshine and seven sunshine protecters" image with sooha and the brothers but,,, she is ALSO very capable of killing a man. so like some dude comes up to her and tries to pull some shit and all the vamps are like "grrr hands off our bestie >:(" in the background but she fucking annihilates the guy before any of them get the chance to do anything. (sunshine protectors who WOULD kill a man for her but usuallu dont need to because she's completely capable of disposing of them herself)

a race with jakah on the ground and shion on the ceiling.... thats such a funny image bro im in love with it. and then at the end when jakah's waiting at the meeting point they agreed upon and shion finally, FINALLY reaches it (like a full thirty seconds to a minute after jakah lmao), he drops down from the ceiling spiderman-style, wrapping himself around jakah and knocking him to the ground while hissing "you fucking cheater" in his ear. and jakah (dying from the full weight of shion on top of him) is like "ITS LITERALLY MY POWER WHAT DID YOU EXPECT--"

#asks #anon 📝#vrvr anon #dark moon nonsense #dark moon

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itsallyscorner · 3 years

Text

Bring Me Back

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Filming “Cherry” had its ups and downs for Tom. When filming finally takes its toll on him, you’re there to instantly bring him back from the world of Cherry.

Warnings: Mentions of drug abuse, PTSD, murder. A smidge of smut.

A/n: In honor of the Cherry🍒 trailer dropping, I decided to write this!

(GIF creds: @atealiers )

Any kind of project was a blessing to Tom. He loved being an actor. He was fond of telling stories through the big screen and got a kick from portraying many different characters. Acting was something he felt passionate about, it was his craft and he was very dedicated when it came to becoming his roles. Cherry was quite different from the other movies he’s been in. It was dark and contained many subjects like drug addiction, PTSD, and crime. The world of Cherry was something Tom was not used to; it was twisted. He hasn’t been exposed to things like drugs or the events that Nico Walker had been through. Which was why he was hesitant to take on the role of Cherry.

When the Russo Brothers approached him with the idea, he was excited. He was getting the opportunity to tell another story and would explore the world of a new character. Though the more he looked into it, he realized that maybe he wasn’t up for the role. Was he really ready to dive into the dark and traumatizing life of Nico Walker? As an actor, he was willing to take the job, it would give him an opportunity to expand his career and would possibly be one of his best work. As Tom, he wasn’t sure if he could handle learning or re-enacting the events that occurred in Cherry. But Tom did like a challenge, which was why he ended up agreeing to become Cherry.

He prepared himself mentally and physically pre- production. For research, he interviewed army veterans and former drug addicts to get an idea of what it was like to be in those positions. To get the look of Cherry, he did a variety of things. For example, going on a diet and losing weight, then gaining said weight again once they had to shoot the army scenes. Another thing he did was shave off the gorgeous brown curls that adorned his head. At first you weren’t too happy with his change in hairstyle, but later on you found yourself running your hands along the short strands of hair, loving the fuzzy feeling it gave your palms.

After the interviews and hearing others’ experience, Tom felt a level of responsibility to tell the story of millions of people around the world. Not only was it telling the story of Nico, but of other army veterans who suffered from PTSD and people who’ve had drug addictions. He was fully on board now and there was no looking back. He was going to push himself to the limit and to places he’s never been before.

Filming was tough. There were scenes he had to do that were so unlike him, that felt wrong, and sometimes he just had to take a step back. They didn’t feel right, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. This was his job, if he wanted this movie to be the best that it can, he was going to commit. Thankfully, he was working with the Russos, who he’s known for a while now. He was familiar with the two and they were patient with him, giving him the time to regain himself before shooting an intense scene. The cast and crew were very understanding as well, creating a safe space for him on set. Having Harry along with him helped as well, the familiarity of his brother kept him grounded and avoided him from falling into the void of Cherry. Though he had all these supportive people around him, there was only one person who could calm him down when things got suffocating on set. The only person he wanted to be in Cleveland with him but wasn’t. You. Since you had your own life and job, you were unable to fly out to Cleveland with him. Instead you stayed at your shared home with Tessa as company. All he needed was you when he felt the affects of Cherry caging in on him. Just the sound of your comforting voice over the phone could clear his head and make him breath again.

He had his bad days on set, where he would have to take a moment and hide in his trailer for a few minutes. During those few minutes he liked to be alone as he waited for you to answer your phone. The line would ring, it’d stop, then the sound of your sweet voice would be the only thing he’d hear. Sometimes you didn’t answer the first time, but nonetheless you answered eventually. It wasn’t the same as having you with him in person, you had your responsibilities, and he understood that. He just wished that one day you’d come to Cleveland. He wanted to be in your arms, stuff his face into your neck, breath in your familiar scent, he just wanted to feel you. You were his home. His safe haven. And it was all he wanted right now.

•

Glancing at your phone, you wondered why Tom hasn’t texted you yet. Not that you were itching for him to text you, but because around this time he would be blowing up your phone telling you things that happened during filming or how his day was going. You decided that filming probably went into overtime making him busy during his break. You shrug to yourself and continue working on your laptop.

You hear the sound of Tessa’s nails clicking against the floors as she enters the office of your home. You greet her with a smile as she settles herself beside your legs.

“Is it dinner time already, Tess?” You scratch her head as you glance at the time on your screen. It was currently nine at night, a bit late for dinner, but you haven’t noticed.

“Just give me five more minutes and I’ll get us dinner. How does that sound, love?” A somewhat sound of approval emits from Tessa. You get back to work, fingers typing away as you finish off the last of your work.

You finish in four minutes, finally satisfied with your work. You let out a content sigh and turn your laptop off. When you get up you stretch and let your bones crack after being in the same position for hours. Tessa joins you, stretching out her front paws then shaking her body out. You chuckle as you lead the way to the kitchen. Taking the scoop for Tessa’s kibble, you fill her bowl up, causing the dog to look up in curiosity. Once you placed the bowl down, her tail wagged wildly as she stuffed her face into her food.

You decided on going for something simple, ramen noodles. You were too tired too cook anything and ramen noodles were the quickest thing to cook in your pantry. While you waited for the noodles to heat up you checked your phone. You went through your notifications, but there were still no texts from Tom. Though you were concerned, you assumed that they had a long shooting day, making him too busy to text.

Hi love! I hope you’re doing well in Cleveland. I know you’re probably busy, but hopefully filming isn’t tiring you out too much. Have an amazing day! Don’t forget to drink some water from time to time and eat :) Tess and I miss you and love you so much! Talk soon xxx

You send the text with a smile. He won’t read it till he was free or done with filming, but you knew he’d see the message while you were asleep.

The microwave beeps, letting you know that your food was done. You end your night catching up on episodes of New Girl and eating soup. When you were done you did your nightly routine and settled in bed. You turn the lights off and snuggled under the warm sheets.

“Night Tessa.” You whisper to her. A huff comes out of her as she makes herself comfortable on the foot of your bed. When the both of you were settled, you slowly drifted off to sleep.

Buzz

The harsh vibrations of your phone shook you awake. Desperate for sleep, you blindly grab your phone and turn it off. Silence fills the room again as you turn around to stuff your face into Tom’s pillow. You were slowly drifting back to sleep when your phone began to vibrate again. With a groan you stretch back and snatch for phone off the night stand. You don’t bother looking at the caller id.

“Hello?” Your voice rasps out.

“Thank God you answered.” The person on the other line said. “I know you’re busy, but how soon can you visit Cleveland?” The deep voice was belonged to Harry.

“Uh—I’m not too sure, I’ll need to check in with my boss.” You reply. When you start feeling more awake you become curious as to why Harry can be calling you. “Why? Is everything ok? How’s Tom? I haven’t heard from him all day.”

The younger Holland sighs. He takes a moment to answer your questions making you suffer in silence, wondering what could have happened to your boyfriend. “Um, they’ve been shooting some intense scenes lately. Tom’s been trying his best but everyone’s noticed that he’s been a bit different.”

You sit up in bed feeling more awake. “What do you mean by different, Haz?”

“Well he’s snapped at the Russos quite a few times. There was this one scene, that they shot multiple times, and Tom would just break down after every one. (Y/n), I’m concerned for my brother, I don’t know what else to do. He’s locked himself in his room after every shoot. A—and I don’t know. I’ve tried to tell him that he can talk to me but he wouldn’t.” Harry explained, his voice croaked. You heart felt heavy for him. Harry was always there for his older brother, so to see him feel so helpless made you feel sorry.

“Haz, calm down, you know how your brother can get. How long has this been happening?”

Harry sniffed over the phone, “About a few weeks now. It’s only started becoming worse last week and now.”

The concern you felt for Tom grew. From what he’s been texting you, filming had been going great. He appeared happy on your FaceTime calls and sounded like his usual self. But maybe he actually wasn’t.

“Harry everything’s gonna be fine, alright?” You assure him. “I’ll call my boss first thing in the morning and when I get the ‘ok’ to leave I’ll get the first flight out to Cleveland. How’s that sound?”

“It sounds good. Can you tell me if you can make it? I’ll have someone come with me to pick you up at the airport.” His voice is quiet, almost muffled.

“Yeah I will, don’t worry.”

“Ok, thank you (y/n).” A small smile forms on your lips. You rub the sleep out your eyes as you glance at your closet. “Alright Haz, I’m gonna go now. But if there’s anything else, just text me or call.”

“I know, stay safe (y/n).” You bid him goodbye and place your phone on the empty space beside your side of the bed. Tom’s side of the bed. You bite your lip in thought as you worry about your boyfriend. You knew he was doing almost everything he can to make sure the movie came out perfect. If that meant shredding himself emotionally and physically, he was going to do it. Tom was dedicated to his work, but he’s never done anything close to Cherry, making you worried about the thoughts that could possibly be going through your lover’s head.

Tessa, who’s now woken up, waddles closer to you, sensing your uneasiness. You appreciate the dog’s gesture and pull her into your side, resting your chin on her head. You were basically sleepless the whole night. Although you haven’t emailed your boss yet, you already had a suitcase packed of your clothes. Your passport and other important belongings were already in a bag, ready to leave London.

The morning had been hectic. You’ve managed to get two hours of sleep, waking up at six in the morning. Still in bed, you sent your boss an email about a family emergency and how you needed to be out of the country for at least a week. As if the gods above knew of your situation, your boss willingly let you go, no questions asked and gave you well wishes. With that out the way, you scowered the Internet for flights to Cleveland. Luck was on your side that morning because you’ve booked a flight that took off in the afternoon. With your bags packed, you drove to Nikki and Dom’s to drop off Tessa.

Now all checked in, you were at Heathrow Airport waiting to be called for your flight. You were sat at your gate, with an iced coffee and a croissant from Starbucks, texting Harry. The two of you were discussing the time you’d arrive and how he’d pick you up. When you were both in agreement, you two decided to catch up. He had been in Tom’s trailer eating his breakfast. An hour passes and you were being called to board the plane.

You settle in your seat, but your leg bounced in anticipation. After the things Harry told you, you just wanted to have your boyfriend in your arms. You knew everything was probably getting to his head, all you wanted to do was hold him and tell him that he was going to be ok. As the plane began to take off, your lack of sleep caught up on you. Throughout the whole flight, you slept soundly, the worries of Tom subsiding for the time being.

~🛬~

The plane lands in Cleveland safely. It was night when you arrived. With your bags, you looked around the airport for a familiar curly haired boy. Harry waves wildly at you before running and pulling you into a tight hug. You laugh wrapping your arms around the slender boy.

“How’s your day been, Haz?” You ruffle his hair as he rolls your suitcase to the parking lot. He shrugs, “The usual. Was on set with Tom, ran around and got things for him, nothing much happened honestly. But you’re here now, so this is the highlight of my night.”

The two of you approach a black car with a driver inside, Harry motions for him to unlock the trunk. He lifts your case in before the two of you get into the backseat.

“How was your flight?” Harry asks you. The car began to move, exiting the airport and entering the highway.

“I slept through all of it, I don’t remember a thing about the flight besides getting on and off it.” You chuckle, leaning your head back against the headrest.

Harry nudges your shoulder, “Thanks for coming out with such short notice.” You wave him off. “It’s no worries, anything for my boys.”

The car is quiet, the only sounds that could be heard is the car’s wheels against the pavement. You turn to Harry, “How was he today?”

“He was pretty good in the morning.” Harry started. “Then filming started and he would grow frustrated after a few scenes. His temper’s been short. He snapped at me during lunch, which is normal, but I just asked him if he wanted some water. He broke down after a certain scene today, I tried talking to him but he still wouldn’t open up about it.” Tom wasn’t too open about his feelings sometimes. He struggled to voice them at times making all his frustrations and feelings bottled up in his head.

Half an hour later and you guys arrive at Tom’s rented home in Atlanta. As soon as you opened the door, you felt the heavy atmosphere. It was somber and tense, the chilliness of the weather also felt inside the house. Harry gestures up the stairs, “Don’t worry, go see him. His room is the first door on the left.”

You quietly thank him and climb up the stairs. You find his door, taking a deep breath before knocking. You hear some shuffling behind the door, “Harry I’m fine! Leave me alone!” His voice was deep, a bit scratchy. You frown at the door.

“Tom?” The room falls quiet. Suddenly you hear fumbling and the sound of heavy footsteps behind the door. The door opens and you finally see him. He was dressed in a large shirt with sweatpants. He looked tired, dark circles under his eyes, eyes glassy, and chapped lips.

“(Y/n)? You’re here?” He asks you in disbelief. A tight lipped grin forms on your lips.

“Yeah, Har—“ You were going to explain how you got there but he immediately threw himself at you. His arms wrap tightly around your figure, his head dipped into your neck, pulling your closer into him. One of your arms go around his neck while the other rubs his back soothingly. A whimper bubbles out of him, his shoulders beginning to shake. You managed to shuffle the both of you back into his room, closing the door behind you.

“You’re ok.” You whisper into his ear, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck. His grip around you never falters. Though he was much taller than you, he seemed so small at the moment. His body drowned in the shirt he wore, making him look thinner. You feel tears soaking into your shirt, making your heart clench in pain. You rest your forehead against his shoulder, holding and whispering sweet nothings into his ear until he was ready to speak.

A few minutes pass until his removes his head from your neck. You frown at his tear stained face, his eyes and cheeks red from quietly sobbing into your shoulder. Your hands cup his face, wiping the trails of tears on his cheeks. Tom leans closer to your touch, his eyes shut while his lips kiss your palm.

“I’m sorry, you’re probably tired from the flight.” He apologizes but you shake your head. You lead him to his bed and sit against the headboard. Tom follows in suit, desperately trying to get closer to you. His arms wrap around your torso, his head rests on your chest, while your legs tangle themselves together.

“I’ve had plenty of sleep on the flight, how are you?” Your lips are against his short hair from holding him so close. You nails scratch softly at his hair, calming him down.

“I don’t know if I could finish it.” He quietly admits. He shakes his head at himself.

“Why’s that, Tom?” Your boyfriend takes a deep breath as he sits up, removing himself from your touch. He sits across from you with legs crossed as he holds his head in his hands.

“I—I, it’s too much. There’s so much fucked up things he’s done. And all the things he’s seen. I just—sometimes I feel like it’s me who’s committed all of those things. When we shoot the scenes in the war and when I had to do drugs and rob banks, I felt like I lost myself—“ He cries interrupting himself to take a breath in. Compared to your fingers that ran gently through his hair, his clawed at his head. His palms rub harshly at his face, turning his skin a bright tint of red. To see Tom in such pain made you sad. You hated seeing him like this.

You gently remove his hands from scratching at his face and hold them in his lap. He stares down at your hands, clinging onto them as if his life depended on it. “I get lost in the character sometimes and I have to pull myself out of it to bring me back. But it keeps on happening over and over again. Then the Russos kept telling me to reshoot the scene more like Cherry, and I lost it and yelled at them.” You feel his tears fall to your your hands, making tears well up in your own eyes. You shuffle closer to him and kiss his forehead before pulling him into you. You stay quiet, letting him get whatever he wanted to get out.

Tom’s face is against your shoulder again. He sniffs before continuing, “It’s like everyday I find something he and I have in common. Then I think that maybe I’m turning into him. I don’t want him to be part of me. (Y/n), I don’t want to be him, I don’t want to do the things he’s done.” He sobs into your shoulder. Your heart breaks at how broken he sounded. His shoulders shook again, his back burning up with tension. A few tears made it’s way down your cheeks as you pulled his face away from you.

“Look at me.” You urged him. His jaw clenched, still looking down at his lap. He shook his head in response. “Tom, please. Look at me.” Your voice cracks. He slowly tilts his head up, your eyes connecting. He didn’t have that twinkle in his eyes, it’s like they’ve lost the light in them. Instead they were dark, like there was no life behind them. There was a mix of sadness, confusion, and even fear in his eyes.

You sadly smiled at him, cupping his face with your hands. “You’re not going to be him. You never will. You’re Tom. You are nothing close to Nico or Cherry. You are the sweetest man I have known in the world, you wouldn’t even hurt a damn fly. You’re not him. I know you aren’t. You wouldn’t do the things he’s ever done even if you were forced to. I know you Tom, I assure you, you’re nothing like him.” Tom hiccups, gripping onto your wrists.

“When this is all over and you’re done filming, we can forget about him. We won’t even mention him.” You assure him, stroking his cheeks.

“What if—,” You cut him off.

“No, there’s no what if’s. You’re going to be fine Tom. You’re surrounded by people who love you and will make you realize that you’re nothing even near him. You are the kindest man ever, you love your family, you care about your fans, and your brothers. You’re busy always taking care of everyone else, I think it’s time you take care of yourself, love.” You tell him. A small smile is on your face but it falters, “You don’t have to go through this alone, Tom.”

Tom takes a shaky breath in. “You’ll be there right?” He asks like a child making sure his mother will be there when he wakes up. “You’ll be there with me to bring me back?”

Your thumb smooths the crinkle between his brows, “I always will. I promise.” He nods and pulls you into him. You climb onto his lap and settle on his legs. He stares up at you, one of his his hands supporting your back, the other pressed against your cheek. “Thank you. I missed you so much. I’m sorry for not texting, everything’s just been so taxing mentally and physically.”

“No, don’t worry I get it.” You turn your face to press a light kiss on his palm. For the first time since you’ve seen him, Tom managed to crack a smile on his lips. He moves some strands of hair away from your face before resting his large hand on the back of your head. “I love you. I love you so much, (y/n).”

“I love you too, Tom.” You whisper against his lips. He takes that as a sign to finally crash your lips together. After months being apart, the feeling of his lips against yours felt like coming home. The kiss was desperate, like it was the air you both breathed. Tom had been longing for your touch, he craved you every second of the day, whether it be sexually or just missing you. The kiss grew rough, your teeth clashing, tongues poking and gliding against each other.

Tom lays you down on the bed, hovering over you. His hands grab and stroke at your body, trying to pull off your clothes to get close to your skin. He suddenly pulls away from your lips. “I need you. Please, I need you.” He almost begs you. Panting, you nod and push him to lay on his back. “Ok, let me take care of you, Tommy.”

He yanks his shirt off, throwing it to the side. You do the same, leaning down to meet his lips again. You kiss your way along his jaw and down to his neck. When you find that certain spot, he lets out a throaty groan, head falling back against the pillows. You run your nails along his chiseled abs and slightly roll your hips against his growing length. Tom grunts, hands instantly connecting to your ass and gripping onto your cheeks. He helps you roll your hips more, deeper with more friction against you two.

“Mm, Tom. I missed you.” You moan against his neck. You bite down and soothe the spot with your tongue after.

Tom looks down at you, lifting his hips to meet your clothes pussy. “Fucking miss you so much. You have no idea how much I’ve been dreaming of being buried in you again.” You kiss your way down his chest, but Tom stops you. His hands grab onto your leggings and slide them off.

“N-no foreplay. I need to feel you.” He stutters out, mouth agape. You nod in agreement and take his sweatpants off along with his boxers. You spit in your hand, running your hand along his dick to give it some wetness. Tom helps you lift yourself over him and guides your hips down his erected cock. You let out a combination of a sigh and moan as your walls envelop and stretch around him. Tom slightly sits up against the headboard, your tightness wrapping around him. He lets out a cry of relief, your walls around him feeding his cravings. You use his shoulders as leverage to pull yourself up but Tom stops you.

“What’s wrong?” You eye him cautiously. Tom shakes his head, “Nothing’s wrong. I just—can we stay like this for a while? I just want to feel you, please?”

“Yeah, we can do that.” You send him a reassuring smile as you settle back down on him. His hands make themselves comfortable around your waist. You maneuver your arms under his and wrap them around his back. Tom smiles at you, rubbing your back and guiding you into his chest. Before you can nuzzle your face into his neck, he presses a kiss to your temple and lets his fingers get tangled in your hair.

With his eyes closed in bliss, he whispers, “Thank you for bringing me back. I love you.”

You kiss his collarbone basking in the feeling him being so close to you. “I’ll always be here. I love you too.”

#marvel #mcu #avengers #Tom Holland #tom holland x reader #Tom Holland imagine #tom holland one shot #tom holland headcanon #Tom Holland smut #Cherry #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland drabble

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twolonesomestars · 4 years

Text

BJYX III

Japan Trip

This is a compilation post explaining the Japan trip and related theories (along with my own thoughts). Most of the theories in here are well-known. If you know the general gist of the Japan trip, you probably won’t see anything new.

Warning: This is all fake. Don’t take what I say to heart. These are just my random thoughts.

Extremely long post. Please beware.

All my explanations and thoughts will be bracketed and italicized: [like this]. If you would like to just read about the theories, ignore the bracketed and italicized bits.

I suggest reading all of the theories first and creating your own opinion on the trip before reading my commentary, especially if you’re a new fan. (AKA ignore the bracketed & italicized parts for now).

[One last thing before I start (and a test for those who want to read the theories first… ignore this for now): I believe this Japan trip changed their relationship… In that, I believe they began their romantic relationship after this trip. A quick timeline mention: truthfully, their relationship before and during CQL filming isn’t too important for this theory. However, I do believe that there was some sort of confession from WYB at the end of filming, which may have played a role in XZ’s decision to take the trip to Japan. I’ll provide my reasoning later in the post. All my explanations and thoughts are going to be based on these particular assumptions; although, I will try to include rebuttals & explanations based on countering arguments.]

OUTLINE

DATES

PRE-JAPAN TRIP

Character Bleed Changed Phone Number

MID-JAPAN TRIP

XZ’s 180911 Post + Story

POST-JAPAN TRIP

XZ’s 180913 Post & Story XZ’s 181119 Post WYB’s 181119 Post Time Gap WYB’s 190322 Post

FINAL THOUGHTS

Let’s get into it!

DATES:

180416 - 180823 Filming for CQL

180908 - 180912 XZ’s Japan trip

180913 - XZ posted his 521st Weibo post & 18th Weibo story

181005 - XZ’s Birthday

181119 @ 17:42 - XZ’s Japan trip post

181119 @ 18:47 - WYB’s response post

190322 - WYB’s Rome trip post

PRE-JAPAN TRIP:

Character Bleed

XZ’s reasoning behind his Japan trip in this interview @ 9:31

XZ explicitly says, “I told myself I had to walk out of it.” His reasoning being, “[I had to] leave him there. [I had to] return him to the one he loves.”

You can unpack a lot from that. I got two main things from it:

(“I had to walk out of it”): you can assume that XZ took everything from WWX and made it his own, including, and specifically, WWX’s love for LWJ. Essentially, by the end of filming, XZ himself was in love with LWJ.

(“return him to the one he loves”): XZ separates himself very clearly from WWX. He points out his reasoning to walk it off is him wanting to return WWX to the one he loves… the implication is that he figured out he doesn’t love the one WWX loves.

[The reason I think there was some sort of confession at the end of filming that pushed XZ to take this trip and figure himself out is because he already knew he loved LWJ. I think he may have attributed any romantic feelings he felt towards WYB to the fact that he plays the character he loves. So, if WYB confessed to wanting to pursue a romantic relationship with him, it makes sense that XZ would hesitate. I doubt he’d want to lead WYB on just to later realize all of his feelings were for LWJ and not him. I’m sure XZ would’ve walked off WWX eventually, but I think he did it as quickly as he could to give a certain person (and himself) answers.

Obviously, I don’t know how XZ goes about with his acting, so these are all just random assumptions.]

Changed Phone Number

I’ve gotten a few asks wanting me to clarify and give my opinion on the rumor about XZ changing his number and WYB asking around for it. I’ve heard two versions of this:

The first version has two variations:

XZ changed his number sometime after his DDU appearance in 2017 and before CQL began shooting, and WYB was asking the CQL crew for it.

XZ changed his number during CQL filming sometime, and WYB was asking the CQL crew for it.

The second version is that XZ changed his number before he left to Japan and WYB was asking around for it for months (who he was asking was undefined).

A related rumor I want to note: a fan who was at the airport when XZ was waiting for his flight to Japan supposedly saw him not answering his phone.

Let me clarify the relationship between WeChat & phone numbers:

In WeChat, every registered user gets a WeChat ID. There are three main ways people can add someone: (1) have the person’s WeChat ID (2) have the person’s phone number (3) have access to the person’s QR code. For (1) and (2), the other person must enable the option to be found via WeChat ID or phone number in order for you to find them. You can also choose to not show your phone number at all, so even if someone adds you via (1) or (3), they may still not have access to your number depending on your settings. To sum it up, you do NOT need to know another person’s phone number to message them on WeChat. Practically everyone in China uses WeChat as their main social messaging application… you can send messages (text & voice) and you can call (voice-only & video). People don’t use their actual given numbers to message or call too much (ex. iPhone messaging/ Facetime); phone numbers are typically used when making accounts on various social media apps, online payment, etc.

There’s a pretty well-backed up theory that WYB asked one of his DDU co-hosts (specifically DZW) if he could get XZ’s WeChat ID for him during/ after filming the episode with XNINE. If this theory is true, we can only be sure that he got XZ’s WeChat ID, not that he got his phone number.

If you do want to change your number or WeChat ID (prior to 2020, you could only change your WeChat ID once per account), you can simply go into the WeChat settings and update; this process won’t change your WeChat account and it won’t affect any of your contacts or chat history. If you want to stop receiving messages & calls from someone, you can either block or delete them from your contacts on the app.

I’m pointing all of this out because I’m pretty sure most of XZ’s & WYB’s communication takes place in WeChat. WYB has said in several interviews that he now prefers his phone and wifi access; he’s also said that he can’t go without WeChat now.

[I honestly don’t think this rumor is real. But, out of the two versions, I’d say the first version (either variation) makes more sense than the second version.

I have three reasons for thinking the second version is the most unlikely:

It’d be easier to block the other person for however long you need (and then unblock them or delete them depending on your choice later) rather than going through the hassle of changing your number. Remember when WYB’s phone number got leaked and he had to change it (August 2019)? He asked people to not use his number to log into accounts; he even mentioned that he would need to change all of them, which would be a large hassle. Sure, there could be circumstances where you’d want to change your phone number… but I don’t think this situation is that extreme, especially since it was supposedly at the airport before his trip and before he decided.

I don’t think XZ’s the type of person to leave someone hanging, no matter how much internal turmoil he may be dealing with, and especially not when that someone is close to him. I believe he’d at least inform others that he’ll be out of range and to not message or call him. Not to mention, if he told WYB to not contact him for the next couple of days, I’d like to believe WYB would respect that wish, whether he knew the reason or not. Since I do think that WYB confessed prior to the Japan trip, I believe he knew. But, even if he didn’t, he has integrity and self-respect. He’s going to respect others’ wishes, and even more so if he respects the other person… and he does respect XZ.

The theory specifically points out “months” … WYB literally celebrated XZ’s birthday with him about three weeks after this trip.

As for the first version:

Variation #1 implies that this happened at the start of filming/ bootcamp; it also implies that WYB got XZ’s number after he contacted him on WeChat. One assumption I have is: I don’t think celebrities/ people in the industry exchange phone numbers much, just their WeChat IDs. This is why I don’t think XZ & WYB exchanged numbers when they first met, only their WeChat IDs. As for WYB asking the crew for XZ’s number… if he already had XZ’s previous number, I kinda doubt he’d go around asking others when he could just ask XZ himself.

Variation #2 probably makes the most sense out of all three, and even then it’s a bit of a stretch. This variation implies that it’s a few months into filming, at which point XZ & WYB were extremely close. I doubt he’d be too nervous to ask XZ directly for his new number. The only rebuttal I could think of for this is that perhaps WYB asking around instead of asking XZ himself was him being coquettish.

In the end, this rumor doesn’t make too much sense to me. But take it as you will.]

MID-JAPAN TRIP:

XZ’s 180911 Post + Story

We know that he kept deleting his Weibo posts before the number could reach *520. (*520 & 521 are both kadian for “I love you” even though 520 is more widely used.)

XZ posted his 520th post on 180911 (right in the middle of his trip). It was an ad for AHC. AHC is the first brand both WYB & XZ shared and spoke for; I believe WYB stopped his spokesperson duties on 180829 & XZ began his on 180907.

XZ posted his 17th story, also on 180911, of him on a ferry during the trip.

[I burst out laughing when I realized he posted an ad for his 520th post. He kept deleting posts to make sure he stayed away from #520; he could’ve easily deleted another post to make the ad his 519th. A lot of solo fans were looking forward to his 520th post being dedicated to them (exhibit 1), and then he did that. Sly as per usual. And the 17th story... leading up to the 18th. I think XZ pretty much knew/ made his choice/ accepted his feelings by this point, which is why he posted like this.]

POST-JAPAN TRIP:

XZ’s 180913 Post & Story

XZ posted this video on Weibo on 180913. It was his *521th post & *18th story. (*52118 = “wo ai ni yi bo” A BXG posted about counting XZ’s posts to find these numbers.)

His caption was:

以为在拍照的找🤣... (夏天的风结束了，假期也结束了🌿🌿🎋)

which roughly translates to:

“I thought I was posing for a photo🤣... (The summer wind is over, the holiday is also over 🌿🌿🎋)”

There are several theories about the caption.

the emojis:

The bamboo emoji refers to WYB. In this behind the scenes footage, XZ compares WYB’s face to a bamboo stick.

the words:

XZ is referring to the season ending and the weather in the video where the wind is blowing across his face.

When XZ states that both the summer wind and his holiday are over, he is implying that he has left the character he became that summer (WWX) behind and moving forward.

XZ is referring to the song Summer Wind (夏天的风) by Liu Rui Qi (刘瑞琦). I’m not going to go too deep into this; the lyrics in question are:

夏天的风我永远记得清清楚楚地说你爱我我看见你酷酷的笑容也有腼腆的时候

roughly translates to

The summer wind, I will always remember [you] saying clearly that you love me. I saw your cool smile [yet] there are times when you are shy.

Interpretations are: (line 1) “summer wind” & “always remember” - XZ is reminiscing on the things that have happened that summer when CQL was filmed. (line 2) “saying clearly… you love me” - a confession from a certain someone… we know of one on camera: “zhan-ge didi ai ni.” (lines 3-4) “cool smile” & “shy” - these adjectives fit a person we know.

[I didn't find out about half of these caption theories until way later, and once I had already formed my opinion on this trip. A lot of it seems like a stretch, but all the theories make some sort of sense. Meh, there’s a lot you can do with a caption, so just take it all in.

Personally, I didn’t pay attention to the caption too much. I knew about the lyrics, but I purposely avoided them precisely because they were lyrics; you can do a lot with them. I finally explored it for this post, and I actually like it a lot; it’s very sweet. I’m still leaning towards the reference being unlikely; however, XZ is very sneaky, so I wouldn’t put it past him. I also knew about the bamboo reference, but I never gave it much thought. I didn’t think that one scene of them joking around was enough to say that he used the emoji to refer to WYB. Though, if it was actually a reference, there’s definitely more to it that we don’t know about. Ultimately, for this one, my decision was based on the basics: the kadian (and later reinforced by the whole AHC ad post).]

XZ’s 181119 Post @ 17:42

A major theory for this post comes from his caption:

“一些存货... 现代人即将拥有姓名 [’silent giggling’ emoji]... ”

roughly translates to

“some stock [photos]... modern man will soon be named...”

The main focus here is the “modern man.”

Once the behind the scenes footage and interviews began releasing, BXG started noticing how WYB got whenever XZ mentioned LWJ. His facial expressions always changed… immediate frowns. BXG speculated that WYB was trying to show himself as separate from his character, but XZ didn’t take notice. The character LWJ is figuratively and literally from the past; the actor on the other hand is from modern society. Thus, XZ mentioning modern man was taken to be a reference to XZ’s love for the actor alone, not the character.

[To those who have sent asks about the “modern man” quote, I hope this clears it up. My interpretation of it is the same. At the end of the day, XZ most definitely separated the two.]

Another theory for this one is that the horizontal middle row pictures spell out “王一博” going from left to right.

王 (“wáng”)

The lines on the building look like the character

He could’ve meant “look towards,” which is what he’s doing in the picture. It is a different character (“望”), and has a slightly different pronunciation (“wàng”)

He could’ve meant “going in one direction,” referring to the arrow on the sign, which is a different character (“往”), and has a slightly different pronunciation (“wǎng”)

一 (yī)

The image looks like the character

博 (bó)

Another meaning for “博” is “extensive” or “rich” which you can take the design on the outside of the to be

The building is a museum, whose word (“博物馆”) begins with “博”

[For the spelling, my interpretations were all of the #1s. (I’ll explain a little bit more when we get to WYB’s 190322 post.)]

One last theory about this post: BXG then witnessed XZ editing his post in real time to change the position of the first two pictures. There’s a theory that he saw this post (below) from the previous day and changed the positions to match.

OP talking about the switch here and below.

[I was so enamored by this theory until I actually went looking for it. The post of WYB’s pictures is from a fan, and while I don’t doubt that they saw more of fans’ posts back then, this one wasn’t tagged or anything. It could easily have been XZ’s artist side popping up. But, maybe XZ was lurking on his private account. Even though it’s one of the more iffy ones, it’s such a cute theory that I actually don’t mind believing it.]

This is a side note and not part of the actual theory: On my search for all things related to this trip, I noticed one of WYB’s posts where he did a similar thing.

This was in June 2018, so before XZ’s post. Mayhaps inspiration.

WYB’s 181119 Post @ 18:47

WYB posted exactly *1:05 hours after XZ posted. (*105 = 10/5, XZ’s birthday)

His caption was “冒个泡”

He was using internet slang; it can be vaguely translated to “I am here.” In context, he’s using the slang to refer to him not posting for a long time; he’s ‘showing his presence.’

Notable Things:

He posted the day prior on 181118; it wasn’t an ad, but it wasn’t exactly personal either.

He posted a picture of himself with his DDU brothers during a trip on 181104.

He had not posted a selfie since 181004. (Back then, he updated personal posts once or twice a week, whether it was a selfie or something about his life, such as what show he was watching. The month & a half time gap between personal posts would’ve been unusual.)

The caption & selfie work as a response to XZ’s “modern man will soon be named.”

Another thing fans were intrigued about was the time stamp on the photo, 180525.

WYB never really posts throwbacks, especially with selfies, yet he did one here to a date in the middle of CQL filming. He also usually never adds the date to his photos.

Isn’t it interesting that he captions the post with slang that tells people he’s back from a break, but uses an old photo instead of a new one? If someone’s announcing that they’re coming back from a break (especially a celebrity), wouldn’t it make more sense to post a recent photo rather than an old one (in this case, one from 6 months ago)? And, why even bother including the date in the first place?

[I can’t believe I barely noticed that WYB posted 1:05 hours after XZ. What in the world WYB? I’m losing my mind. It’s down to the damn minute, and their minutes weren’t a “0” or “5” multiple either. I usually try to pass off a lot of things regarding YiZhan (especially kadian) as coincidences, but what even is this? If it wasn’t intentional… What kind of connection do these two share?

Yes, I do think this was WYB’s response. The throwback picture was probably the most telling for me; him including the date he took the photo was like a flashing sign saying: ‘hey look at this date. it’s important.’ And when you add the caption into the mix, it’s taken to another level. I feel the combination of hints in and related to the post is too much and too telling to be coincidental.]

Time Gap

There’s an interesting time gap between the two XZ’s posts (180913 & 181119). There are a few theories about what could’ve happened in those two months. Some of the ones I’ve seen and heard are:

XZ & WYB could’ve been taking that time to tell their parents and settle things with their agencies

XZ & WYB could’ve begun dating exclusively after XZ’s return

Both of these theories imply that everything got settled or made official around 181119.

[I never really thought about the time gap between the posts… mostly because I kept forgetting there even was one. They’re both ridiculously romantic so I don’t doubt that 181119 is something of importance to them. I think it’s especially proving that both of them did a throwback to the same seemingly important time period.]

WYB’s 190322 Post

This post is pretty similar to XZ’s 181119 throwback post to the Japan trip. The theory for this one is that WYB spelled out “肖战” using the vertical middle row, going from top to bottom.

肖 - The tree looks like the top part of the “肖” character; the branches look like the bottom part of it.

战 - Since WYB placed an image of the entire Roman colosseum (where gladiator battles took place) in the last spot, he may have been alluding to how “战” means “battle” or “fight” (similar to how XZ may have been alluding to the meaning of “博” instead of getting a picture of the character).

WYB filmed the DDU episode on 3/22; I don’t believe there’s another significance to the date.

[WYB spelling out the “肖” using the first two pictures backs up my thinking that XZ spelled out the “王” and “一” characters in his first two pictures. This also leads me to think that both of them alluded to each other’s last character rather than spelling it out in their third pictures.]

FINAL THOUGHTS:

[The reason I like this overall theory a lot is because I think the happenings really fit with the things they’ve told us in interviews and suit their personalities. It makes sense to me that XZ would want to take some time to think about it; it makes sense to me that WYB was probably the one who took the first step.

As for the theories about the details… some of them are really out there, but all of them are fun to consider. As usual, take everything with a grain of salt.]

Some of these posts & events have several theories (i.e. XZ’s summer wind caption); they aren’t mutually exclusive… more than one can be true at the same time.

I tried to be as neutral as I could when explaining these theories. I tried to include counters and other possibilities, but I’m sure some bias came out. Just take it all in and take it for what it is.

My intention with this post was to put everything into perspective and give a good timeline. (As well as get everything in one place.) If you’re interested in my thoughts, feel free to go back and read the italicized & bracketed parts (if you hadn’t already).

The following is something I want to say about these theories and the BXG community in general:

Every theory has inconsistencies and exaggerations… that’s what makes it a theory. As long as we discuss things knowing this fact, that’s all that matters. We’re here to have fun, not to prove what’s right or wrong.

I love seeing the various theories everyone in this community puts out, no matter how different or similar they are to the ones I like/ believe in. It’s fun to look into these things with different perspectives. Don’t feel burdened if you believe in a less popular theory. Besides, we will never know anything for sure.

Be kind. And, have a good time.

Once again, this is all fake. I do not personally know XZ & WYB, and I will never know anything about them; this includes the intricacies of whatever relationship they share. So, CPN.

#don't ask me why it took so long lol #japan trip #yizhan #bjyx

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theunconcernedembalmer · 3 years

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ok i got the aesvic out of my system now time to pick apart the letter n why i wont really be following aesops diary exactly here. literally no one asked but i wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere cos i have. a lot

just gonna put a quick rundown of aesops diary entry as a refresher (mostly for myself so i dont miss anything): he dreamt that he was helping jerry with what was probably a murder n was affirmed n he thinks its a sign congratulating him on carrying out his duty. over the years, he carries out his duties as an undertaker n comes to the manor looking for a “fresh start” aka what sounds like his first victim. according to aesop, said victim should be quiet, n potential victim number 1 is victor. something about badly needing him to become his “silent friend” n he mentions he’ll get to wick n the 2 other survivors in due time, but for now he’s very eager to start his “mission”.

im generally okay with the letter (i have seen so many fights over this aha) cos there is no surprise he wants to kill ppl (ppl who r fighting over this point. did u even read his deductions?? guy happily killed his mentor??). but i didnt quite like the fact that he still looks up to jerry (although. i guess thats valid i just. dont like it). i was also initially kind of confused about the real reason why he would want to kill ppl since as u progress through the letter it sounds less like he kills for duty (cos of the whole dream thing at the start) but more “because i want to :)”, which is an okayish edgy kinda take imo. like not that u cant characterize aesop as Kill Kill Murder Die, but i kinda find that. pretty boring in the long term.

im just gonna put what my original take on aesop was, like all of it. first off, he hates jerry. u cannot tell me a psychotic serial killer like that can raise a child without emotional trauma. like any child, this isnt even counting the extra damage done because hes autistic. (n i also hc that aesop has read his moms letter to him at some point, n he should have come to the conclusion that it was somewhat also jerrys fault, whether through logic or denial that his mom would want to leave him, so that just adds to it.) but as much as he hates him, his teachings are the only ones hes been exposed to, n its been so ingrained in him since young so even if he hates jerry he would still subscribe to whatever twisted ideology jerry was feeding him, which ill get to in a sec.

going through his accessories, he has that origami that he folds for each of his clients, n it shows that underneath it all, aesop is still kind. this isnt expected of him n its definitely not part of his job scope as an embalmer. he (still?) has the heart to wish the best for those that have departed n takes the time n effort to fold one for each n every client he sends off, which is probably a lot. so going off on that, my hc is that jerry, being the manipulative asshole that he is (who probably definitely manipulated his mom into indirect suicide) probably used his kindness against him to make him believe that by murdering ppl he is helping them, framing all of his serial kills as a sort of mercy kill (like his mom). so the thing that aesop takes away from all this is the very twisted logic that by killing ppl he is helping them, therefore being a good embalmer and a good person in general. n everyone wants to be a sort of good person, or at least for aesop that is part of his job description to be a good embalmer. n we all know aesop is very serious about his job.

i also hc that he has killed several ppl between killing jerry n coming to the manor, cos i follow the story that he took the invitation from that poor lady n thats how he ended up at the manor. surely the lady didnt come to him right after jerry died?? but anyway, the way i see it is that he thought he liked to kill. like he finally truly understood why jerry kills so much (which is interesting now that i think about it. guy really just went along with all those murders without truly believing huh), because it felt good to kill. at least thats what he thought, the revelation that killing felt good n is good, but i say its because he hated jerry, n offing someone u kinda hate should probably feel pretty gucci. n its also so much easier to pick clients off the streets than in the manor, so i would think that he has killed ppl like his mentor did, but each time he did the great feeling that came with ending ppls life just. wasnt as good as the first time round. it just became a sort of normal satisfaction of a successful embalming.

this can go two ways: 1. he keeps on killing to try to find that great feeling again, which is cool i guess (n probably what canon would want, except canon states that he hasnt killed since jerry), but id like to go with 2. he just stops because jerry isnt around to enforce it whenever he isnt feeling up to psychoing someone to their death (which is probably how jerry got his victims, n damn if that doesnt take a lot of mind games that i dont think aesop has the mental capacity for since half of it is fighting with his social anxiety n other issues. dealing with alive strangers?? no thanks?? i doubt he would have learnt properly how to lure in clients as efficiently as jerry because of this, mostly cos he was only needed for the murder afterparty aka embalming n funerals). n as much as he stays professional, there is no. professional way of gaslighting someone to their death.

(n also since ppl have pointed out that his twitter replies n other kinda informal stuff have shown that aesop does have reverent respect for life, which also adds to him not being so blindly bloodthirsty as implied in the letter. i dont really see the twitter replies as very canon, but it does make sense that he would come to revere life with his unique take and obsession over death, for one cannot exist without the other)

so this leads me to the motive that aesop brings to the manor, at least how i see it. he isnt exactly coming to the manor to kill per se (like from the very early story, he came to the manor to return the letter to a relative of the deceased lady, something about respecting her last wishes. something like that, its really been a while since i saw that exerpt), so like killing ppl isnt his main purpose of visit. its more of hes always on the lookout for weaker (or at least those that take less mind games to kill) people to mercy kill, n it just so happens that he knows the manor n his mentor almost died from there, so theres a pretty good chance he can find some ppl that fall into this category n so it just so happens that he also has a job to do there. its still counted as a Job for him since no ones gonna tell him that embalmers dont actually. murder.

so in my version, aesop only tries to sway ppl that he knows he can convince, n these ppl would typically be those very sickly ones like his mom (andrew im looking at u) or those with an actual death wish/ very weak will to live. but here aesop is choosing his “first victim”, and the criteria for that is... quiet? never mind “not evading him” and “not cranky” being on the list too, but that isnt quite what i was expecting from someone so dedicated to their duty of murder. sure he wants an easy first kill, but like. i dont think its consistent if his motive was really to continue jerrys bastard legacy. especially when the next paragraph is essentially him gushing over victor, that... sort of implies something else. or at least in the way i see it, since i believe that canon wants us to think that aesop just really loves to kill.

aesop likes victor. very much so. so much till he wants to kill him. which i guess makes sense cos he likes death, n now he likes victor. so he just. puts the two things he likes together. whats better than victor? dead victor. anyway the rest of the letter is more like “whatever, i technically should kill the others too but my priority is victor” so like. he confuses his (dare i say) yandere tendencies with his duty since the end goal for both is a body in a coffin.

having said that. i know i have aesvic brainrot but i also know this is one sided as hell (at least from the letter alone, not counting the letter shaped cookies in his birthday art that apparently belonged to victors birthday cake aha) n lowkey alarming since. the goal is to kill victor. i kinda want to interpret it as him genuinely wanting to be friends with victor (really wanting him to be a “silent friend”, maybe cos he doesnt actually know how to be friends with living ppl n is better with dead ones? therefore victor should be dead to be friends?) but not knowing how to n throwing in his obsession with death ends up with. this minor disaster waiting to happen. but i uh. dont know if this is valid. its valid to me at least, with my original interpretation of aesop. n again cos of his ingrained professionalism, he also kinda sees this as part of his job to send ppl off, so its another plus. not for victor, tho.

idk if ill add this yandere side in my aesop. i mean my boi has technically tried to kill victor multiple times in the past HAHAHAHA. maybe like sometimes he can be a bit obsessive. as a treat. but generally nah cos thats definitely gonna end up in a murder somewhere somehow n i cant. just kill victors here on the ask blog scene lashjflkjhdlfkjhas

so yeah that kinda takes care of the last part of the letter, as for the first part. as much as aesop hates jerry, i would also think hes pretty starved for affirmation (like i said jerry isnt going to be a good parent figure ever) n i guess it makes sense if the only times jerry has ever complimented him was aiding him in his kills n hiding the evidence, which might (?) add to his desire to kill (but that probably dies with jerry aha). so the way i see it as aesop is getting affirmation n takes it as a good sign instead of. remotely liking jerry. idk if im stretching it a little but i really dont like the take where hes okay with jerry. anyway we are ignoring that he hasnt killed before entering the manor cos that doesnt quite make sense to me (i wasnt dreaming about the letter from a lady stabbed in the face 36 times or so right???? right???????)

im also not like. trying to defend him, im just trying to make sense of his diary. boi has issues n is a little too far gone (not as far as canon tho), in my take very deluded in his way of showing kindness. literally cool motive still murder (or in canon, just murder?), please get therapy. but i just dont really like the direction that the letter was originally trying to imply, with him really just hell bent on murder without like. a clear motive (at least to me it isnt very clear since the last part really doesnt sound consistent with his supposed intentions). i mean i love being edgy with aesop every now n then but i dont think it would make for meaningful characterizations in the long run so. ill still be sticking with my original take on aesop with maybe a bit of yandere for victor cos thats always fun

#unconcerned ramblings #mun rambles #its me the mun #im so sorry i talk so much. i was like Okay i should stop talking on my blog now. n then i didnt #i dont even know if this makes sense im still sleep deprived n tired as hell but i literally cant sleep cos this was bothering me so much #also cos i see a lot of ppl like. just nope the letter n somehow began to hate aesop after loving him as a character for so long. which is #interesting. cos this letter isnt exactly out of the blue. we been knew #just a few minor things that i disagree with. but generally i think it was an okay letter

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foryouthegays · 3 years

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techno liveblog w timestamps lets go for ‘a new home (dream SMP)’ stream

good laugh times: 00:13:50, 00:14:55, 1:38:45, ik it doesnt look like a lot but like u should watch the stream anyway bc philzas there and his laugh is amazing and they just go so well together

times techno calls phil his friend: 00:6:00 00:37:00, 00:45:17, 0:1:09:30, 01:11:15, 01:26:35, 01:50:05, 2:35:00

FSDJKFAF;LS HE KEPT THE MUTED INTRO IN JHKADFLS (ends at 00:1:25)

i like how, when faced with Leaving Youtube, techno would choose to be an author. i want a book by techno. reblog this if u want a book by techno (with an audiobook by him as well) /hj. 00:1:33

i love how he says ehhhhhh so much lskjhdfas (abt 2 mins in)

who the FUCK just remembers that the word fortuitous exists wtf 00:5:17

00:7:45 PHILZA TIME PHILZA TIME LETS GO

00:8:55 tommy time :/

0:14:10 rANBOO JUST WALKS IN, LOOKS AROUN ,AND LEA VE SIM CRYING

i love how much philza laughs at technos jokes bc pretty much everything he says IS a joke he just says it in such a serious voice that p much everyone else is like,,,yeah,,,,yup,,,,and phil just knows when hes joking and his laugh is so good with technos voice. sbi? whos that? i only know philza and technoblade

00:19:30 ghostbur joins! this is my first time hearin ghostbur btw

00:19:40 haha string axe technos so bad at crafting what a fool /j

00:21:07 ghostbur: “Even I remember how to make a fishing rod!” ghostbur u just MURDERED technoblade oh my god im gonna scream hgjdfksla i love ghostbur so much

00:23:55: GHOSTBUR NO!! DON’T DIE YOU’LL BECOME A DOUBLE GHOST!!!! -technoblade 2020

00:24:55 technoblade neva lies -guys he almost did the technoblade neva dies ahh!!!!!

i havent heard anyone talk about this but techno has a dedicated roleplay voice. like listen to him talk to tommy at 00:25:08. his voice gets more even, he uses names a lot more often (seriously, listen to his theseus speech. he says tommy so often, its incredible.), and his voice gets,,,,deeper? not deeper but smoother, in a way, and he repeats what he says for emphasis instead of humor. and his voice is louder, and he seems more assertive.

00:27:30 philza: where we goin, by the way? techno: to our- to my new home.

techno cmon let phil live w u wed get so much more content cmonn

00:28:50 the fact that he calls the manhunt theme “dream music” makes me laugh so hard. and then his version of it,,,,,m love he (also he sings it here and at 01:14:20)

00:35:10 why is ranboo so cryptic im-

why does he just casually know the word sentry wh at i hate him 00:39:45

this is the worst sentence (structurally) ive ever heard techno say im gonna cry 00:49:33 ‘im too busy thinkin of new ideas to sleep so i could actually execute them’ and tubbos *oh?* after is just hdsfgkjlka

LKSJDHFJK 00:51:49

00:54:30

techno: thats one of dreams powers, he can just stop the rain

tubbo, quietly: like jesus!

i love them sm dsfhkjla they kept going but i jus gdfhjksa jesus has op

techno @ being the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans: haha funnie!!

techno @ having fun w religious stuff: i wILL BE CANCELLED NO-

00:58:10 “hey if ur [ghostbur] a ghost, do instant damage potions heal you now?” “...no,, they hurt me still :(” DSIULZKJHFSLKFJH

01:04:00 his brother named the cow bob im- aww

also he has a fanart wall again!!!

01:09:30 “phil, you’re the only friend i have left in this world.” aWWWWW HE GAVE HIM THE COMPASS

“dont smoke, it’s a joke” -technoblade 01:14:15

ROLEPLAY SPEECH VOICE IS BACK AT 1:16:10 “they pillage my base for everything i’m worth, they use me for the revolution, but oooOOOoo i took a pickaxe with his consent? oOOOooOo i’m a thief!”

holy shit 01:17:15 “you know what, phil? for you, the world, alright? it’s fine.” oH MY GOD HHHHGHG (context, right before they were arguing bc phil took some blocks from his base and techno thought that when he said phil could take anything he meant from the chests)

the COMIDY of that villager coming in and sleeping while techno was readin donos at 01:22:05 RIGHT AFTER phil freaked out abt inturruptin his dono readin im SFDHKJLA:

techno talkin bout the winstreak and how he wont be able to live up to that sort of playin at 01:22:30ish is super important and ill transcribe it tomorrow, but if u can id highly rec watchin it.

01:24:20 “[readin dono] what’s your favorite movie? uh, the princess bride is pretty good” techno ily that movie rocks also he said it so fast like hes ashamed of it noo

techno says no to canon ranboo son btw! 01:25:30

01:25:55 “i wasnt in that story, therefore it doesnt matter” all of technoblr be like

01:37:49 is great lemmie transcribe

“how have you still not gotten a second monitor?? holy shit.”

“let me tell you something. and im only telling you this because i know that so many people in the chat are gonna be furious. so i recently realized- i think the second monitor can just be any ol’ monitor, right? you literally just plug it in, and its set up? well i mean you have to turn on some settings, but like, thats it, or something?”

“yeah,,,,, uh techno you fuckin destroyed my chat, by the way, oh my god, [earlier techno told his viewers to twitch prime philza] there has been like 40 primes just flying through”

“yeahhh twitch prime!!! twitch prime philza yeahh!!! so anyways the other day, i like, i looked to my left, and realized that my old monitor has been like, five feet away from where i sit and stream for the last three years?”

“oh my god...”

“so i- i literally do not have to leave my room to set up a second monitor and i havent. and i’m still usin my laptop for this stream.

“is this gonna be one of those situations where you like, you have a thing, you just refuse to do the thing?”

“listen, my desk is-

“yOU STILL HAVENT OPENED UP THE HYPIXEL PACKAGE!!!”

“AHHHH I HAVENT OPENED UP THE HYPIXEL PACKAGE! I HAVENT EVEN OPENED UP MY MCC COIN! DUDE I HAVENT EVEN OPENED UP MY ONE MILLION SUBSCRIBER PLAQUE! ITS STILL THERE RIGHT BEHIND ME! ITs sTILL IN THE BOX! i never made a video on it....”

“bruhhhhh [philza laughs] thats FREE VIEWS what are you doing??”

“ill open it at 8 mil :/.”

“you could LITERALLY make a video of you just like, throwing it off a wall, and then thumbing up, like doing a thumbs up, and then that would be it. 10 seconds. ten seconds. thumb and elbow in shot. [laughs]”

techno is such a disaster i love him

01:34:18 the way techno says “tommy, that statement has NEVER been true” i dont like sayin i simp for block men but GOD sometimes his voice is nicer than usual hhhgn

“man i sure wish tommyinnit was in this stream” -nobody ever (just after previous timestamp)

01:40:15 is fuckin hilarious and im actually crying oh my god techno just says things and says them well with a completely straight face how does he do it

i cannot WAIT until theres a president w the last/first name andy so we can say president andy and think abt technoblade

IM CRIASDNGUSFHD 01:44:38 PHILZA LOOK OUT LOOK OUT PHILZA LSKJDAFJASD;LKF

i love when techno talks abt his vids. like u can tell he puts a lot of thought into the vids (esp these ones) and like at 01:47:00 he talks abt the “I DIDNT PUT DEAPTH STRIDER ON THOSE BOOTS, FUNDY!” and how its just that creepin realization that you were doomed from the start and how he made the armor, he isnt intimidated by the netherite bc he didnt enchant it all the way and only he knows that,,, and i just,,,hgg he

he reveals that hes writin the next arc at 01:48:00: “oh, speakin of arcs, chat, i’m writing the next arc. so, you know. hope nothin bad happens in two weeks, chat!” IM SO EXCITED like he clearly has his character fleshed out and is SO good at writing and retellin history im so so excited to see where he takes it AHHHH and also taht means he might stream more bc he might make his character more important (keep in mind this is the guy who wrote self insert hypixel fanfics. he has no shame in puttin himself first and i respect him so much for it)

01:51:20 “they’re tryin to get a second customer but they’re riskin their first” is lowkey a good line

has anyone else noticed that techno says wise a lot? like at 01:55:10 he literally says “wise dragon armor” as a joke but like i think he says wise so much BECAUSE of skyblock like hjkfdsla

01:57:30 techno plea se eat

ok 1:58:45 is hilarious and all but at the end of his ramble he says “come back, i miss you” and lowkey im crying

techno needs to stop knowing his audience more than we know ourselves im hsfkjda 02:05:25 “the chat’s spammin ‘eat technoblade, eat!’ like they’re not gonna start, like, theyre not gonna get super sad if i ended the stream right now, like theyre not gonna all cry ‘i miss technoblade *sniffs* why- whyd he leave to eat food, why did he listen to our advice noooo’”

02:14:50 NEW VIDEO POGGGG CARL THE HORSE POGGGGGG NOT A STREAM HIGHLIGHT POGGGGG

02:17:40 “i could start a potato farm out here to show how much ive changed” techno last time u made a potato farm u started an entire war that lasted a year that does NOT say calm and retired to me lskgdfjagsldj

02:23:00 why does techno just reference greek mythology so much. makin me scared for his arc.

also he talks abt smp earth a lot in this stream i love it so much

i also just. love?? how much sbi respect tommy like they bully him but when talkin bout him they just have so much respect for how much work he puts into youtube and i just,,,,hgnn they r friends

02:33:13 sbi streamer house lets go cmon

02:34:15 “i think if i streamed every day i could keep up” on one hand YE S but on the ohter oh god techno no we have to keep up tho

hearing techno say “violence isnt the answer” is so scary 02:35:40

02:37:30 technosneeze

hiS BROTHER SENT HIM 46 DISCORD MESSAGES SFKDJLFLKASF 2:49:25 i love his end screen so much hes just sadness,,,,retirement,,,t,echnoblade,,,the government is going to fall on its own due to lack of organization and ideals,,,,,,subscribe,,,,,sadness,,,,,also 2:50:45 is making me laugh so hard its just sad music and technos like??? whys phil in my house drinking milk?????

overall, fantastic stream, if ya want some chill techno philza content i highly recommend.

#stream post

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exauhstedsunflower · 3 years

Text

I Have So Many Thoughts!!

Right now they‘re about Harry Potter, sorry to my followers who dont care about that. With that out of the way, here is a small HC/Character study thing. Basically I’m gonna ramble a bit. Warning now that this will be kinda long.

So my first bit is gonna be about the boy who lived himself, Harry. of course if any of you who are reading this know me you know that I love a sad character. There is Hella angst potential for this boy, he has been through it!!!

-we all know that he was literally raised to die. Like a pig for slaughter. He was kept in an environment where he learned to deal with serious issues himself and not to trust other people. As he got older them more serious information pertaining to him was kept from him. Like, a harmful amount of no information getting through to him. His lack of knowledge even though he is very clearly at the center of things almost got him killed so many times.

He was barely taught to defend himself. It was actively encouraged when he got himself into Deadly situations. He was rewarded and praised for defeating the basilisk, for finding Voldemort near the philosophers stone, and thats only the first two years! He was throwing himself into these situations and no one cared to ask if he was ok. These were trials, and Harry was trying to prove himself. Even situations as small as Quiditch. He almost died multiple times but at least he caught the snitch! At least they won! Good job Harry! All of this to say the adults in his life did him dirty.

now, my take is that he knew. He knew that they were actively keeping important information from him. He knew that they didn’t care about his well being, just cared about whether or not he defeated this years Big Bad. He knew wasn’t adequately prepared for these deadly situations. And he knew that he wasn’t meant to live for very long.

he’s not a soldier in a war, he is the weapon. he knows he won’t make it out of the war. They’re expecting him to fight valiantly, to be brave. Brave like a Gryffindor. So he deals with everything that come his way, he handles the threats to his life to the best of his ability, and he keep going. Because at the end of this, he is only what he is expected to do. People will hate home because he gives them what they want to hate. People will care because they expect him to be a certain way, so he gives them that version of himself. People will use him and he will play along because he knows he has no choice in the end.

The boy who lived, the boy who fights, the boy who is destined to die.

the next one is near and dear to my heart, the foil to the BWL, Draco Malfoy.

-this kid also has a lot of angst potential. Rich kid born and destined for evil? The opposition to our protagonist? Emphasized pressure from his parents and his political stature? All of the boxes for an angsty antagonist. I could easily take this kid and turn him into a sad bean. And guess what? That is entirely what i’m about to do.

he is a Child. Lets just get that out of the way now. Yes he was petty and rude and downright nasty but he is a child. A child that was brought up to be racist and classist and used to having things a certain way. We can see from who he surround himself with and who his parents choose to keep as company, that he’s been in a bit of a bubble. That bubble gets burst at Hogwarts, where calling people mudblood gets him in trouble. He sees a more diverse crowd. people are celebrated for their talent or their dedication, not for just their status. He has been told his whole life that status is everything.

So basically his whole world view is turned upside down, and he lashes out by being a bully to the golden trio, who represent everything his family is supposed to hate. Ron is poor, Harry is meant to defeat Voldemort, Hermione is muggle born. This is what he has been taught and this is what he knows. He‘s not necessarily rude to his friends or even very picky with them. They just represent the people he’s ‘supposed’ to hang out with. Crabbe and Goyle are from respectable, good, pure blood families and this is familiar.

Moving on, because I could go on all day- we know he has a heart. When he sees harry at the Manor, he doesnt say anything. At the end he throws harry his wand. obviously despite the hostility toward Harry, he doesn‘t wish him dead.

He really is just doing what hes supposed to be doing. What’s expected of him. He is expected to Hate Harry Potter, he is expected to hate muggles, he is expected to put forth his status as a Malfoy and a pure blood. I don’t think he actually wants to do that, or rather that he’s confused about his morals. He doesn’t want to be a death eater, he’s clearly too afraid. And he doesn’t want his ‘enemies’ dead. And at the end of the day he never actually seems to be believing what he spouts bout muggles after he gets used to hogwarts. He says he’s above the other students without ever actually doing anything about it.

My thing about all of this is that I think Malfoy and Harry know the way they feel about each other is fabricated. It’s hatred based on expectations. Malfoy is a Slytherin, hes supposed to hate Gryffindors. Harry, regardless of the taunting, always helps Malfoy if needed.

I think it’s kind of like an alliance. Their rivalry is expected of them, but it’s a school boy rivalry. It’s good to them to have something expected of them that they can pretend is normal. they can pretend it’s a house rivalry instead of a old war that they have nothing to do with’s. Malfoy is not a Death Eater. He hasn’t killed anyone, I dont think he could. He’s a kid. And he doesn’t deserve to be treated as a war pawn.

definitely toward the end they both kind of become aware of the fact that they’re really just pawns and that no one actually cares about them more than they care about the outcome of the war. They just continue then because they have to.

I’m tired now, I’ll do more next time. Thanks for reading if you did. Add points if you also have thoughts. Id be super excited to read them.

#Harry Potter #Draco Malfoy #hermione granger #ron weasley #ronald weasley #Dumbledor #I hate dumbledore #I couldn’t sleep until I got some of these thoughts out of my head.#I needed to write them down so bad #Death eaters #Muggles #Hogwarts

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gottlem · 4 years

Text

favourite song (lemonjuice)

a/n: well here it is! gonna keep this short and sweet but i wanted to say how much i love these two and i wrote this just bc i felt like we needed more lemonjuice fics !!! props the the handful of writers who have already written this ship, they’re all so great !! quick sidenote, i haven’t written in a while, so i really hope y’all find this up to standard !!! <3

summary: Juice found that the best way to get her feelings out was through writing songs, but she would never tell her best friend and long time crush, Lemon, about that. Well, until she does. (3.3k words)

Juice was never really the best at outwardly expressing her feelings. Even when she tried to open up to her best friend from childhood, Lemon, it was as if the words got lost somewhere between her mind and her mouth. And as someone with far too many emotions to keep bottled up safely, she needed a way to let them out. So she began to write songs. Over a few years, she taught herself to play a guitar she had found stocked away in her home, which had been surprisingly intact and functional for it’s age.

At first, her songs were mediocre at best. The chords sometimes wouldn’t sound right together and she couldn’t really get the lyrics to flow in the way she wanted them to, but after writing and writing she started to find her sound. And it was good. Once she was truly happy with the content she was creating, she didn’t want to keep it to herself any longer. It’s not like she wanted to become famous, no, the idea of fame scared her shitless. But she wanted somewhere to put her work, she didn’t care if one person or one thousand people listened. So she made a small Instagram account. It didn’t have her name, and she didn’t tell any of her friends, but over time it acquired a small but surprisingly active following.

It was Friday night when Juice started on a new song. It was one she had been meaning to write for a long time, but was about something she was scared to even admit to herself. Feelings she was scared to face. Feelings for Lemon. They had been there for a while, festering under the surface, and only recently had they gotten out of control. Nothing had triggered it, not particularly, but suddenly she had found herself thinking about her friend far too often to be considered platonic. They had been best friends for as long as Juice could remember, and she knew she was far into the friend zone. Lemon would flirt often, make jokes about them becoming girlfriends. Which was fine. It meant she was comfortable enough in their friendship. And as long as Lemon loved her in any way, Juice was happy. Or at least, that's what she told herself.

She was in the middle of writing her very first song about the girl when her strumming was interrupted by her phone ringing. Loudly. She should have remembered to just put it on mute. It’s ringing startled her enough to be taken out of the zone she was in, so she decided the least she could do was check who it was. And she figured the universe had decided to play a massive practical joke on her right at the moment, because the caller ID read “lem”. She answered it anyway, it was Lemon after all, how couldn’t she?

“Lem! Hi!” She cursed herself for how smitten she sounded, Lemon would be quick to figure out her feelings if she wasn’t careful.

“Juicy! What’s up? What are you doing right now?” Juice’s heart stopped. Partly because of the nickname that she still hadn’t gotten used to, and partly because she has no idea how to answer that question without having to explain why she’s kept this hobby secret for so long.

“Umm, well”

She didn’t actually know why she had kept this from Lemon all this time. Maybe telling her would be good, maybe it wouldn’t even change anything. So she bit the bullet and made the split second decision to let the cat out of the bag. She didn’t have to say what, or who, she was writing about, right?

“I was in the middle of writing a song, you actually kind of scared me, my phone was so loud” There was a beat of silence. Juice bit her bottom lip nervously and just hoped she wouldn’t be asked a question that she was absolutely not ready to answer.

“You were- since when did you write songs? Juicy how did I not know about this? Can you even play any instruments? What do you play?”

These questions, Juice could deal with.

“I uh, started a few years ago, didn’t tell anyone because I wanted it to be something I could keep for myself, and I taught myself guitar after I found one in that spooky cupboard you can never go into.”

Lemon chuckled, causing Juice to blush instantly. Because of course she did.

“Wow. Years, huh? Why didn’t you tell me though?” Juice didn’t expect her friend to sound almost hurt by the fact that she had kept this from her. But then again, they tell eachother everything. She didn’t really know why she never told Lemon. Maybe she was scared of opening up too much, sounding dramatic. Maybe she was scared she wouldn’t like her songs. Maybe she was scared she would.

“I don’t know Lem. Just didn’t come up I guess”

“Well, can I hear one? What about the one you’re writing now?”

“Not yet. Maybe next time you come over once it’s finished.”

“Oh. Okay, yeah, definitely. Well I’ll let you finish it then, text me when it’s done!”

When Lemon hung up, the silence of the room fell heavy on Juice’s ears. Obviously, she wouldn’t show Lemon the song she was writing just then, but she didn't have to know that. She would show Lemon a song she wrote a month or two ago, she remembered it well enough and it’s not about anything too serious that Lemon doesn’t already know about. No harm done. Easy.

Lemon was set on hearing at least one of Juice’s songs. She couldn’t believe that after knowing her for so many years, she had hidden this from her! It’s not that she was angry, she wasn’t, she just wished she hadn’t missed out on all this. She wondered what she could have written about over the years, what she writes about now. She wondered what her voice sounded like, would it be smooth and silky, or breathy and soft? What would her songs even sound like? Does she have her own special sound, distinctive from everyone else? She just wanted to know. She wanted to hear them.

When Juice finally performed a song for Lemon, she was speechless. They sat on Juice’s bed, candles burning on the windowsill and hot chocolates resting on her nightstand. The moon shone from the window, it was quite late, probably too late to make any noise, but nobody was home to hear, so neither girl tried to keep quiet despite the late hour. From the moment Juice started to pluck a soft pattern on the nylon strings of the old guitar, she was mesmerised. The melody was soothing, and her voice was soft enough to send her to sleep if she closed her eyes for too long. It was a beautiful song, about a story Lemon had already heard a thousand times before, but never in this format. That made it feel brand new.

The pair fell asleep soon after that, limbs tangled in Juice’s bed just like all the other times before, except a soft humming could be heard that sent Lemon straight to sleep in her friend's familiar arms. Juice wished it could be like this every night. But her and Lemon were just friends, eventually she’d be okay with that reality. She’d have to be.

It didn’t take long for Lemon to find Juice’s account dedicated to her songs. After she went home that morning she went straight onto Instagram, remembering something Juice had said about an account where she puts all her music onto. At first, she didn’t quite know where to look, but she ended up searching through the followers and following on Juice’s main account and eventually stumbled upon it. She just wanted to hear more.

Lemon checked the most recent video posted, expecting it to be the same song Juice had performed for her the night before, since she had been told it was the one her friend had just written, the one she had interrupted the writing of. It took her a minute to realise the song was definitely not the same, but she didn’t think too much of it, maybe she hadn’t posted that one yet. Hearing one of her songs before anyone else made Lemon’s stomach do a little flip, something she was growing used to around her friend.

As Lemon scrolled through the account, listening to each and every song, she encountered one that sounded extremely familiar, posted months ago. It was the exact same one Juice had performed to her. But if she had only just written it, how had it been posted months ago? She tried not to dwell on it for too long, opting to just enjoy the music instead. Once she had sifted through every video, she followed the account, wanting to hear everything her friend came out with.

Juice’s songs were special. They allowed Lemon to feel more connected to her friend; she always felt as if Juice was biting her tongue, holding back. All she had ever wanted was Juice to open up around her, and if it was through her breathtaking music, then so be it. Some songs were about stuff that Lemon had never heard her friend even mention before, and she was tempted to give her a ring or text and ask her about them, talk more into detail about the contents, but she always stopped herself at the last minute. If Juice wanted to talk about something that was bothering her, she would talk. Maybe she was scared to.

Juice almost screamed when she saw the notification that Lemon had followed her account. She looked over every one of her posts, making sure they were all good enough for Lemon to see. She wanted Lemon to love her music now she knew about it, and hoped she would bring up one of her songs to her. She wondered which song would be Lemon’s favourite, and why. She wanted to know how many she had listened to. Had she just followed the account and left it at that? Had she watched her most recent video? Had she listened to all of her posts?

So Juice waited. She waited for Lemon to bring it up. But even after posting a couple of new songs, she got nothing. She was quick to come to the conclusion that Lemon wasn’t really looking at her new posts, though in reality that couldn’t be further from the truth. When Juice figured Lemon wasn’t listening to her new music, she found the courage to post her song about the girl. It wasn’t very specific, it was clearly about a girl she had some strong feelings for, but there were no identifying details that could lead to the conclusion of the song being undoubtedly about Lemon. This meant if Lemon did happen to hear it, there was no way she would know right off the bat that the song was about her. She didn’t need Lemon to know her true feelings.

When Juice posted her first song about Lemon, the feedback had been overwhelmingly positive. She received a few more likes than usual, and the comments were filled with well wishes for her and the mystery girl she had written a song about. But there was nothing from Lemon, as usual. Juice was confident that she wasn’t listening, so she posted more and more songs about her. It wasn’t like she only ever wrote about Lemon anymore, though she was definitely getting more comfortable doing so and began writing about her more often than not, allowing herself to fall deeper for the girl. As she posted more songs, they became increasingly more specific, but never enough to allow her to be figured out. Someone would only be able to tell it was Lemon if they were actively looking for that specific conclusion.

Lemon couldn’t believe it when she heard Juice’s first love song. She watched her best friend’s eyes light up on her screen while singing about this mystery girl, but there was something else to her facial expression that made it all seem bitter sweet. Maybe it was the way her eyes would lose that sparkle for just a moment every once in a while, or the way her lips never really formed into the beautiful smile Lemon had gotten so used to over the years. The song itself was beautiful, as always. Juice sounded as if she meant every single word, truly singing right from her heart.

It hurt Lemon a little to find out Juice felt so strongly about someone and hadn’t told her, but perhaps she was just getting round to it. It hurt her even more that it wasn’t Lemon she was singing about. She knew she had liked Juice for a while, but tried to keep things platonic in fear of her feelings not being reciprocated, and it looked as if that was the right move because now she was listening to Juice sing a love song that wasn’t about her.

Even though she knew she would be hurt by the truth, Lemon was determined to find out who Juice had been singing about in her more recent posts. Each song hurt to listen to more than the last, because she was creating a fantasy where Juice was actually singing about her. It was only made worse that everything Juice said about this girl and their relationship could be used to describe Lemon. She just needed confirmation that it wasn’t her and then she could move on with her life as Juice’s friend. And be content with just that.

Her idea was simple, but effective. Just ask her. Juice was a terrible, terrible liar, made worse when it was Lemon she tried to lie to, so she knew she’d be getting the truth about whoever this girl was. All she had to do was try not to show her feelings, and try not to get jealous of this girl. Shouldn’t be too hard, right?

Juice enjoyed whatever time she could spend with Lemon, but nothing could beat when she stayed over. They turned on fairy lights and lit candles before making hot chocolate and turning on netflix, watching from the comfort of Juice’s bed. Maybe she liked it so much because they always ended up tangled together. She just liked the way Lemon’s skin felt against hers, even if it was just some small brushes under the covers.

They were chatting about nothing in particular when Lemon changed the subject without warning, something she always did.

“Hey Juicy, I’ve loved your songs lately by the way. Not that I don’t always love them. I just thought I’d tell you”

Juice’s heart stopped. She could practically feel the colour drain from her face. Lemon listened to her songs. Her recent songs.

“You’ve heard my new ones?” Is all she could get out.

“Duh! I’m your number one fan, juicy”

“Oh.”

“Just one question though, who are all the love songs about?” Juice wouldn’t really describe them as love songs, more like ‘hopelessly crushing on my best friend who I have virtually zero chance with’ songs. But sure, love songs it is.

“Lem. You can’t really write a love song about a stupid crush. Love is a very strong word, I don’t love her. I can’t”

“Honey, you’re in love. You can see it in your eyes when you sing about her. Must be some special girl, huh?” Lemon rubbed salt into her own wound with every word she said. It almost physically hurt to ask about this girl Juice was so clearly smitten for, knowing it wasn’t her.

“Yeah. She’s special. But you don’t get it Lem, I can’t be in love with her. I just can’t”

“Why not?”

Juice just shook her head, defeated. She knew the answer to that. She can’t be in love because she’s her best friend. It would ruin what they have. She would get rejected. Everything would change.

Lemon wiped a stray tear from her friend's cheek.

“Hey. Look at me,” she did, “whoever this girl is, would be so, so lucky to have you. I promise you, one day you’re going to find someone who loves you with just as much passion as I hear in those beautiful, beautiful songs. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you that much. Okay? Don’t cry baby”

The pet name slipped out of Lemon’s mouth before she could stop it, but it felt so natural as she took the crying girl in her arms. They sat there for a while, Lemon whispering little reassurances in her ear, rubbing soothing circles on her back.

Until Juice pulled away, took a deep breath, and looked Lemon straight in the eye. She was going to tell her.

“I just- Sorry for crying on you”

But she couldn’t. Love is scary. But Lemon is not. It was a painful cycle.

“Don’t be.” Lemon couldn’t stand seeing her Juice so broken, so she figured she’d try to lighten the mood and try to find out who it was so she could finally just get over her. “Sooooooo, who is it?”

“No, I can’t tell you” Juice managed a weak chuckle, shook her head affectionately.

“C’mon, do I at least know her?”

All Lemon got in response was a nod. She was confused, really. She had set herself up to be told a random girls name and have her heart broken. She would take a few weeks to recover, but eventually Juice and this girl would get together and they’d all live happily ever after. She had prepared herself for that. She had not prepared for tears and love and self doubt and secrets. They had never kept anything like this from each other. Ever since coming out to each other, they had vowed to be one another’s wing-woman, so what happened? The only reason Lemon could possibly think of as to why she couldn’t tell her who, was-

“Juicy...” Her tone felt unfamiliar in her mouth. It wasn’t sharp or soft, it wasn’t happy, angry or upset. It might have been hope. Juice just looked up at her, eyebrows furrowed.

“Is it-”

“Whoever you’re going to say, I can almost guarantee that you’re wrong” Juice almost found it funny that she was about to guess.

“Let me finish,” Lemon looked at her in the eyes, and smiled softly “ Is it me?”

“I-”

What was she even supposed to say to that? She couldn’t lie, Lemon would see right through it. She couldn’t tell the truth, everything would change. What if Lemon felt weird about it? What if she didn’t want to be as close with her any more? Was she uncomfortable with the idea of Juice having a crush on her?

Lemon giggled softly, “I guess the silence answers that question, huh?”

“I’m sorry. You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to anymore. I swear I can just move on and get over it. I really don’t want to ruin our friendship and I’d hate to make you uncomfortable or anything. Are you mad? I don’t blame you if-”

“Shut up” Lemon almost whispered, her soft tone still somehow cutting through Juice’s words like a knife. Juice said nothing. She let the silence take over for a second or two, before Lemon took a breath, and spoke again.

“Shut up, and kiss me”

So she did. Juice had always wondered what kissing Lemon would feel like, but now she was actually doing it, all her expectations didn’t even come close to the real thing. They fit together so easily, the kiss hardly ever breaking, staying as soft as ever. They had all the time in the world, so why rush it?

After that night, Juice wrote countless more songs for her now-girlfriend, and every single time a new one came out, Lemon would say the same thing.

“I like this one. I think it’s my new favourite song. I love you”

And Juice loved her back. You could see it in her eyes. Feel it through her kiss. Hear it in her songs.

#well... hope u liked it!!!!#i hope u know how long it took me to decide who was gonna be the songwriter #im happy with my decision of it being juice #anyways #pls give me validation #ty #lemon #lemon cdr #lemon gives you life #lemon queen #juice boxx #lemonjuice #rpdr fanfiction #canadas drag race #lemon x juice boxx #my writing:)

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kendrixtermina · 4 years

Text

Further reactions to "The book of lost tales":

I appreciate that Idril canonically wears armor and does swordfighting.

I feel like I can actually imagine adult!Idril much better now like in armor and with open hair, distraught but ready to fight while babby Earendil does not yet realize the danger...

My first thought is that Earendil was probably cute in that baby chainmail. My second thought is OUCH, Idril and Tuor always made sure their growing baby had fitting chainmail cause they felt the apocalypse might get them at any moment. Imagine that, imagine them having the baby armor fitted every year or so :(

Its fun how much of the basic structure already exists but most of what you'd consider the main characters doesn't exist or is scattered across various minor roles The only Prince anywhere in sight is Turgon - Except for Team Doriath, theyre all accounted for. I suppose Maeglin is kinda there in name only with vaguely the same role & motivation, but looks personality and background all did a 180 since. Luthien is still pretty much "princesd classic" at this point, not quite the fearless go-getter from the final version - markedly this version tells Beren that she doesnt want to wander in the wilderness with him whereas the final one says she doesnt care and its Beren still wants to get the shiny so as not to ask this of her and also for his honor.

I mean in the finished version Id consider the 3rd and 4th gen royals to be the main characters (well, alobgside Team Doriath and the varioud human heroes) and theyre hardly here. Imagine the silm with no Finrod!

Feanor had no affiliation with the royal family whatsoever, and is also generally less super. He's just the guy who won the jewelsmithing competition, not the inventor of the whole discipline. Still seems to have been envisionad as a respected member of the community who gets called to the palace for crisis meetings and is listened to when he stsrts giving speeches. From the first he already has the backstory of going off the deep end (or at least growing disillusioned with Valinor) after a family member is killed by Melkor and theyre still the first to die, but its just some other rando unrelated to the royals

The situation regarding the humans is different - instead of Melkor leaking their existence, its Manwe who explains that the other continents were supposed to be for them eventually. So Feanor goes off on a tirade about weak puny mortals comes off as a more of a jerk unlike in the final version where Melkor barely knew about the humans and described them to the Noldor as a threat. On the other hand in this one, also very much unlike in the finished product, Melkor dupes even Manwe into being unfair to the elves as a whole. In this the final version is a definite improvement, both Feanor and the Valar come off as a lot more sympathetic and though still deceived he's partially right in some things at least, so you have more of a genuine tragedy rather than a simple feud

There is something to the idea of Commoner!Feanor tho. I guess some of this survived in his nomadic explorer lifestyle and how both his wife and mother (who arent mentioned here) eventually were the ones to get that background of being not especially pretty ladies who are not from the nobility but got renown, respect and acclaim for their unique talent and contribution to society, with each having invented things and Nerdanel also being renowed for her wisdom. Hes sort of an odysseus-like Figure in that sense. I suppose later developements necesitated that Maedhros & co. have an army not just a band of thieves, which means they needed to be nobles/lords. That said this being a society where artisans are very respected and half the lords have scholarly/artistic pursuits going, the gap was probably not as big to begin with as it might have been in say, medieval England. Esoecially since Nerdanel's father had been given special honor by one of the local deities and that the social order might have been a very recent thing in Miriel's time. One might speculate that the first generation of Lords started out as warriors during the great journey, or perhaps just Finwe's friend group.

Also found that bit intetesting where the Valar have to deal with the remaining political tensions and effects of Melkor's lies on the remaining population in Valinor... - i guess with the change of framing device it was less likely for news of something like this to reach Beleriand. That, or the existence of Finarfin and his repentance made this go smoother this over in later cannon

Turgon's go-down-with-the-ship moment reaaly got to me. Im half tempted to write a fic where his wife, siblings and dad glomp him on arrival in Mandos. I dont care that none of them exists yet in this continuity i want Turgon to get hugs

I love all the additional Detail that got compressed out in the shift from fairytale-ish to pseudohistoric style especially all the various Valinor magic insofofar as it is compatible with the final version - particularly love the idea of the connection between the lamps and the trees that is now integrated into my headcanon forever

Its actually explained what the doors of night are

If I had not already read unfinished tales or volumes X to XII where this is also apparent, this is where I would say: Ah so the Valar were supposed to be flawed characters. Manwe has an actual arc; by the time he sends Gandalf he finally "got" it. I think in the published silm the little arcs of Ulmo and Manwe are mostly just lost in compression/ less apparent when only some of the relevant scenes got in but not all

It occurred to me way too late that the "BG" chars are the most consistent because theyre at the start and most stories are written from beginning to end. Finwe doesnt get a dedicated paragraph of explicit description until HoME X but my takeaway was that he's described pretty much like I always imagined him anyways/ same vibe I always got from him... charismatic, thoughtful, enthusiastic, sanguine temperament, brave in a pinch but at times lets his judgement be clouded by personal sentiment (though that last bit is more apparent/salient as a character flaw once he became the father of a certain Problem Child) ...i guess this would be a result of jrrt having had a consistent idea of him in his head for a long time.

This means Finwe's still alive at the time of the exodus which is just fun to see/interesting to know... Interestingly he sort of gets what later would be Finarfin's part of ineffectually telling everxone to please chill and think it over first while Feanor simply shouts louder (which is consistent with his actions before the sword incident in later canon where he initially spoke out against the suspiciozs regarding the Valar) - but its not exactly the same, he's more active than Finarfin later in that when "chillax" availed nothing he said that then at least they should talk with the other Kings and Manwe to leave with their blessing and get help leaving (This seems like it would have been the clusterfuck preventing million dollar suggestion in the universe where Feanor is related to him and values him) but when even that falls on death ears he decides that he "would not be parted from his people" and went to run the preparations. I find it interesting that the motivation is sentiment/attachment (even phrased as "he would not be parted from [his people]" same words/ expression as is later used for the formenos situation), not explicitly obligation as it later is for Fingolfin (who had promised to follow Feanor and didnt want to leave his subjects at the mercy of Feanor's recklessness )

Speaking of problem children. It seems the sons of Feanor were the Kaworu Nagisa of the Silmarillion in that originally all they do is show up at some point and kill Dior as an episodic villain-of-the-week. And then, it seems their role got bigger in each continuity/rewrite... probably has something to do with the Silmarils ending up in the title later making it in the sense their story that ends and begins with them. They have zero characterization beyond "fierce and wild" at this point, though in what teetsy bits there is we already have the idea that Maedhros is the leader and Curufin is the smart one/shemer/sweet-talker, though not the bit where Maedhros (or Maglor, or anyone really) is "the nice one". Which I guess explains why "Maglor" sounds like such a stereotypical villain name.

"The Ruin of Doriath" was purportedly the patchworkiest bit of the finished product, but I never noticed and it actually left quite an impression of me upon first reading, the visual of Melian sitting there with Thingol's corpse in her arms contemplating everything thinking back to how they met... she had the knowledge to warn him not to doom himself but couldnt get him to understand it because he doesnt see the world as she does.... After reading this though I wish there was a 'dynamic' rendition that combined all the best bits like, youd have to adapt it to the later canon's rendition of the dwarves, have Nargothrond exist etc. But i mean that just makes Finrod another dead/doomed relative of Thingol's whom bling cannot truly replace, like Luthien and Turin. In the Silmarillion you could easily read it as just an "honoured guest treatment" but here and in unfinished tales I get the impression that Thingol actually did see Turin as a son.

Already you see the idea of trying to make the stories all interconnected but there is less than there will be (the human heroes aren't related yet and there is basically no Nargothrond, which is later a common thread for many of the stories - a prototype shows up in the 'Tale of Turambar' tho complete with half baked prototypes of Orodreth and Finduillas

O boi im not even through yet

#silmarillion #the book of lost tales #history of middle earth #baby reads HoMe

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tickle-her-senseless · 4 years

Text

Important

Hey all. Just wanted to respond to questions from members of a couple of Discord servers run by the same person following a chaotic couple of days. I’m putting all the info and screenshots (minus names, pics and locations) here, so I can just direct people to this post if they have questions.

I had been intending to just head back here to Tumblr and let the situation lie, but unfortunately the reason given by the automated bot for my ban mentioned “crossing consent multiple times”. Today, friends have been sending me worried questions relating to this, so I’m concerned that the server owner may have made a similar claim in public. Now I pretty much have to say something as that’s such a serious thing to say about someone, particularly on any kind of kink scene.

The mention of consent actually relates to the server owner. Near the beginning of the lockdown, she and I were speaking a lot, she began to tease me in DMs, I responded with a piece of writing dedicated to her, we exchanged pictures - and eventually confessed a mutual attraction. We made plans for the end of lockdown, she talked about driving through Europe and showing me her favourite places. Although her English is perfect, I began learning her language through an app as I wanted to make the effort (Brits are renowned for being lazy with languages), and kept it up every day for months, amusing her with my clumsy pronunciation on calls. Sometimes she would send me explicit comments/thoughts, although I was always nervous to initiate that kind of thing.

One day she sent a message saying that she was still coming to terms with the end of her last relationship and would need to take things more slowly, as she was finding romantic sentiments (as opposed to kinky ones) hard to deal with. Naturally I replied “Of course, in that case I’ll wait for you to initiate that stuff once you’re ready”. At some point afterwards, she sent me a message out of the blue saying “I want cuddles ❤️” and I thought “oh, this is a level she’s OK with” and responded. I think it was the following day when I tried to pick up where we’d left off (without going any further, just cuddling in bed type stuff). She reciprocated and we continued. I also (in an attempt to consider her feelings) asked her if the idea of me posting an old session video on my blog for an American friend would upset her at all. Intending to reassure her about my intentions, I mentioned ”...not wanting to tickle anyone except you and saying no to all of the other UK people on the servers who are asking about post-lockdown sessions”. I also said “I do feel a commitment to you”, which (with hindsight) was probably a foolish or misleading word to use in a purely ler/lee sense.

A week later she sent a message I didn’t immediately understand along the lines of “I thought you were going to let me initiate romantic stuff, you don’t seem to have understood me at all”. I wasn’t sure what she was referring to - the recent story I’d written for her? Use of the word “commitment”? Something else? I tried to talk with her on the phone as some wires had clearly become crossed via text, but she refused for five weeks (citing not being in the right headspace), before finally calling when I sent a message explaining that anxiously waiting to mend the friendship in lockdown by myself for over a month was having a terrible effect on me mentally, and I was going to have to “throw in the towel”, wishing her luck and every happiness.

During our phone call, she claimed that the main issue had been the fluffy cuddle messages which she took to be a serious and repeated boundary/consent violation (citing her wish to avoid romantic talk). This was the last thing I expected and really shocked me. Of course I apologised frantically, repeatedly and profusely. I also said I hoped she could see how I’d made the mistake innocently and honestly when:

- she initiated it the first time, so I assumed it was something she was happy to talk about.

- when I picked up where we left off, she didn’t say “Actually, d’you mind if we don’t today?” and continued the cuddle talk instead.

She said that because she initiated it one day didn’t mean that she wanted to continue the day after - fair enough. The difficult thing to accept was the idea that she felt so violated by the attempt to carry on the next day that she found herself frozen to the point of not being able to say “actually I’m not in the mood just now” and carried on with it, and that I was at fault regardless. She even used the word “harassing” to describe it, which I found very harsh considering my inability to read minds over hundreds of miles. Especially when I couldn’t see or hear her to pick up on body language, tone of voice etc to guess that she was saying one thing but feeling a different way. She said, word for word, “It’s like when someone’s choking you and you can’t speak, you’re literally choking me!” As someone who, as a teenager, was once choked on the ground by my own father until I blacked out and lost bladder control, I did see that as a stretch at best, but chose not to challenge it as she was upset.

I also suggested that, looking back, we probably should’ve clarified exactly what was meant by “romantic stuff” when we almost certainly had different takes on it eg. I’ve cuddled after every 1:1 session I’ve ever had, even platonic ones, purely from the angle of aftercare and a sense of having shared an experience. I was told that despite our different ages and experiences of romantic love, there was only one objectively correct definition of “romantic” - hers.

We went around in circles for over four hours - I apologised over and over while explaining how I got the wrong idea and asking her to understand and forgive, while she tearfully called me a gaslighter, a consent violator, an excuse-maker, a harasser ... eventually I collapsed into tears myself (I’m ashamed to admit), totally worn down, and she softened a bit. She finally said she didn’t believe I’d done anything intentionally, and she still wanted to spend time together in the real world. We made up, spoke warmly as friends for an hour, and I left the call exhausted but relieved. After a few days’ reflection, though, I decided against ever travelling to meet her for real, as the experience had shaken me considerably - and I figured it’d be risky to meet someone in real life when I didn’t trust her completely not to accuse me over either nothing or an innocent misunderstanding. I was still wondering how to explain this to her when things got wild on the server.

A few days ago, a Tumblr user with a stated age of 18 contacted me to say nice things about my blog, which (I hope this doesn’t sound conceited) isn’t out of the ordinary. When she told me she was English and totally new to the scene, I suggested the Discord server as a place where she might make some friends (given the large UK membership) and sent her an invite link. The rest is set out in the mega screenshot saga below, which begins in the staff chat. I’m “SwiftX”, my real name is in teal, the server owner is in blue and her friend and co-moderator is in purple. All other names and locations are in black:

Before sending the last message, I actually typed out five different versions of a counter-argument before eventually deciding to step back. Being totally dismissed and lectured by two people about British labour laws and pub ID measures by two non-Brits nearly a decade my junior was irritating, yes, but the baseless suggestion that maybe I’d done something in private with the new member and was somehow “arguing against” ensuring she wasn’t a child because of that horrified me. As if I’d allow a child access to explicit content to cover my own discomfort - and anyway, I’d done no more than exchange greetings with the girl and point her towards the server, where she was actually verified and granted access to all channels by the guy in purple, not me! After a couple of hours’ contemplation, I politely asked to be removed from the moderator staff, but a disdainful response to my request prompted me to explain it, and why I was upset. Not all of what I said was necessary to say, but all of it was true:

She immediately muted me for 48 hours - “staff disrespect and degrading comments”. Not a problem, I had work to be getting on with. Late that evening, however, her friend arrived in my DMs:

Him: ...it’s creepy that a 32 year old man is potentially teasing a minor

Me: Well I can prove I haven’t teased her, her profile says she’s 18, and the person who exposed her to explicit content was you when you verified her - despite admitting to having had doubts about her age.

Him: ...I’ll drop that subject

Moderator of the year, ladies and gentlemen 🙄 Anyhoo, later that day I received a ban notification from both servers run by this owner, citing “crossing consent multiple times, guilting and being degrading along with causing several conflicts”. I was surprised to feel a flood of relief, but the consent mention really disturbed and worried me, as I’d been under the impression that the server owner had fully accepted that the earlier stuff had been an innocent misunderstanding. Later that day, good friends of mine began sending me worried DMs questioning my record and asking if I’d been inappropriate with a bunch of people, so I’m concerned that the staff may have said something that (deliberately or not) has encouraged speculation. This post is intended to be a landing page to which I can direct anyone concerned about my character so that they they can form their own opinions.

When my follower count began to take off, I became determined to avoid any kind of rift with another prominent member of the community. It’s so frustrating to watch an already niche subculture splinter into factions over needless disputes. This is why I’ve kept names etc. out of this post. If anyone suspects they might know who the server owner is, or actually knows who she is because they’re here from Discord, I would implore them not to out or target her in any way. There are two reasons:

- I don’t want to start a flaming war, I’m desperate to move on and begin improving my mental health after an awful couple of months ... I just need to protect my reputation first.

- I don’t actually think she wanted drama ... I think her genuine perception is that I’ve said something horrible to her. That’s more upsetting than the idea of her trying to smear me, to be honest. I suspect she feels like crap too, and I don’t want to add to her mental load. I honestly hope she’s OK.

Hopefully this will reassure my friends and anyone else questioning my character because of whatever’s been said in that server. I’d also hope that my history of positive interaction here, including being on great terms with everyone I’ve ever had a session with, supports what I’m saying further. It’s a shame this had to happen, but I’m trying to think positively about what lies ahead and trust in my real friends. I’d also like to thank the other members of the server staff who’ve privately sent me messages of support and sympathy having already seen the entire exchange.

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summoner-kentauris · 4 years

Photo

The United Fódlan-Magvel Post-Time Skip Map, Type 1

Previous Post | Next Post

FIGURE ONE

Figure One is simple enough, it’s just the important places in Fódlan with names on it.

FIGURE TWO

This is where it gets juicy. We’re going to go through each of these places more or less individually, so this is going to be a long post, be forewarned. Now, all of these are located roughly where they ought to be in relation to one another. Which means, in many cases there isn’t much choice behind the decision. Still, there was at least a little bit!

[Keep Reading Link Below]

North Magvel

The Black Temple

The Black Temple was placed directly on top of the ruins of Garreg Mach Monastery, as detailed in Post One. This is the site of the Holy Mausoleum, and makes a perfect one-to-one translation to the place where the Demon King Fomortiss’ body will be sealed. Likewise, Garreg Mach is located right next to the Sealed Forest, the one place in Fódlan known for, well... sealing and darkness. From the Sealed Forest will come Darkling Woods. This leads us nicely to...

Caer Pelyn

As some of you may yet be tired of hearing from me, Morva makes a wonderful Seteth. Caer Pelyn has to be near the Black Temple anyway, but there’s something terrifically poetically sad about the last Nabateans hovering around whats left of Garreg Mach.

Neleras Peak

Let’s go ahead and say that whatever disaster laid waste to Faerghus and the Alliance, it involved the javelins of light. One was sent to Garreg Mach, but, as we know, it is protected. Instead, Neleras was detonated, and left in a state of lava-y Ailell hell.

This, again, is is the only site whose location will be completely disregarded. I feel like putting it here again so you don’t have to click all around: in the lore, Mt. Neleras is supposed to be within the Darkling Woods. The Darkling Woods is centered around Caer Pelyn and the Black Temple. Now, the way I see it, you could have that forest cover all that land and still reach across the continent across two countries to where Mt. Neleras is supposed to be. You could also not do that very unpleasant thing. Just- just move it. It’s easy. Look, I’ve done it myself right here.

Melkaen Coast

It’s a coast. It’s located on a coast. Nothing special going on here.

Hamill Canyon

We’ve moved this quite a far bit. For one, a large offshoot of mountain range is no longer here in places. For two, remember that chasm Byleth fell into? Yeah, me too.

Midwest Magvel

Renais

Renais grew from what was left of Remire Village. Much like on the original map, it is protected on the east by mountains, which also render Caer Pelyn inaccessible from Renais.

Za’ha Woods

Now, if I were to remake this map, I’d stick the Za’ha Woods in the Sealed Forest, because Zahras is too linguistically close for me to not want to line them up.

Borgo Ridge

There is actually a small ridge on the Fódlan map right in the vicinity of where Borgo RIdge needs to go. So that was a no-brainer.

Teraz Plateau

It’s a plateau. Near vaguely altitude-y places. Not much else to say here.

West Magvel

Frelia

Frelia is located within range of the Brionac Plateau. You have no idea of deeply desperately I wanted to put it ON the Brionac Plateau. A pegasus-culture located on a giant fantasy plateau? SIgn me the fuck up. Anyway, Frelia is SUPPOSED to be on the coast, though. So, on the coast it goes. Why are there so many plateaus on this map anyhow?

Fort Rigwald

This isn’t located near anything important on the Fódlan map. The Magvel country borders are quite different, so it makes sense that new forts would have to be constructed. I’m still sad about it, though.

Border Mulan

On the Fódlan map, this location is listed as the Western Church. We will assume for this map that whatever they built was strong, and exists in some for or another in Magvel time. At any rate, this location is now Border Mulan.

Ide

North of Borgo Ridge. End of statement.

The Tower Of Valini

This is located on Lake Teutates. There already is the ruins of a tower there already so. Why the fuck not?

(Answer: because Lake Teutates sucks and I wish I could wipe it off the map with my bare hands. Indech do not interact.)

Visual aid for those of you who haven’t been forced to look at Lake Teutates for fifty thousand years and also never used the zoom in mode:

Some other interesting information about Valni/Teutates here:

Valni is Russian for waves (волны). Interestingly enough, the singular form волна is the name of a specific submarine launched ballistic missile.

The Tower of Valni is, of course, notable for having those terrifically obnoxious light beam weapons. Three House is, of course, notable for dropping actual fucking missiles on you. Missiles called javelins of light.

I’m bolding all of that because I’m very excited about it.

Port Kiris

Port Kiris is located in Magvel near the coast of the Northern Sea. I made a minor error in this map, and didn’t place Kiris far enough west. Anyway, in this map Kiris is also located at the end of a river that connects it both to Border Mulan and Frelia, which gives this town more trade power. It is a sea port and also, a river port. Hurray!

The Bay

Serafew

Serafew could be in a range of places. We’ve placed it in the central north of the bay. It is fed by a whole lot of rivers, which would help maintain the city from a logistics point of view. I’m guessing they have a lot of fertile land from the Adlas Plains, as well.

Adlas Plains

Adlas remains at the north mouth of the bay. There is a notable lack of Adlas’s forests in Fódlan’s map; on the other hand, there aren’t really any forests displayed on the map.

Bethroen

Bethroen’s path on the Sacred Stone’s map curves oddly; here, that is replicated and also reinforced by the mountains that back Bethroen. Presumably, here the path is curved because it is a path through the mountains.

South Magvel

Renvall

I really wanted to put Renvall on the ruins/same place as Fort Merceus. Renvall is also located, though, at the base of a river. There is one of those slightly to the left of Merceus. Plus, as we’ll get to in a second, Grado has a pretty set location. All of that means Renvall can’t really go on Merceus. It’s honestly the most reasonable choice, given what happens to Merceus in some of the routes.

At any rate, this is generally where Renvall goes. South east of Adlas, north of the Empire. Both Grado and Adrestian.

Taizel

Taizel is probably the one I’m least happy with. That area on both to Fódlan and Magvel map is occupied. However, in Magvel, that spot is just some town, whereas in Fódlan, its the whole capital of the empire. 800 years is a long time, but to completely wipe the importance of such a well established city? I just don’t know.

Either way, the location lines up wonderfully. As an additional note, both Enbarr and Taizel have rivers to the east of them, and this is continued here.

Za’abul Marsh

It’s a marsh. It goes both near a river, and directly between Taizel and Grado. Not much interesting happening here as far as all that goes. Fódlan provides that excellent river mentioned above.

Grado

Ah, the big one of the region. Grado is near the peninsula. It’s not directly below Renval, or Jehanna Hall, but rests somewhat inbetween the two as far as longitude goes. This area on the Fódlan map has something called the Morgaine Ravine. Now, I’ve finally finished all four routes and as far as I can tell, this fucker has come up exactly zero times. Still, it’s a place notable enough to get a name on the map, and more than that, it’s got earth-splitting connotations with that ravine name. Sounds like a perfect place to stick Grado’s capital if you ask me.

East Magvel

Jehanna Hall

I am so tired. Okay. Three left. So, Jehanna. I don’t know about you, but when I see a gigantic tasty fields-and-plains region, I think, what if desertification? Anyway the point is, Gronder et al. can’t stay delicious and green forever. Especially with everyone and their brother dedicated to fighting on it, or burning it down, or stepping all over it, etc. On this map, this area becomes the desert that Jehanna Hall sits itself right down in.

Now, if only I could figure out who Metis is...

Narube River

Now, strictly speaking, the Narube is located to the east of Jehanna Hall. Why be strict, though, when the Airmid is right there. I mean, its right. there.

Rausten Court

“Hey, wait!” you cry. “Where the hell did Neleras go?”

“Now hang on,” I say. “I feel like I ranted about this. I mean though I can definitely go again, here let me just get my-”

Okay, now Rausten Court

Rausten lies across the River, to the east of Darkling, and occupies its own space away from everything else, really. Of note here is that it’s right behind the Great Bridge. I think that’s pretty neat.

Lagdou Ruins

FINALLY! I‘VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE.

Shambhala. End statement.

Alright, not actually the end of statements. But let me just say: Shambhala got hit by missiles, not destroyed. If people can make it out of there, bits of that place are still intact. And that’s setting aside the fact that, if you look in the zoom in map, that place is a hell of a lot bigger than just the field of combat. Anyway. All that I’m saying: Shambhala real.

AND, lest we forget. The ninth floor of Lagdou is in fact lava-burn-y. Which could jsut mean lava... or the predictable and regularly desribed aftermath of the lances of light that Shambhala gets hit with in canon.

Anyway. All that I’m saying: Shambhala real.

Because of this, Lagdou has experienced a bit of a shift. It is still located next to all the proper geographical feature, it is just that the removal of Neleras means that part of the continent is a bit stretched.

Aaannnd that’s the end of this post! Stay tuned for the next post, which is just the nice final fancy map.

#fódlan magvel #long post #worldbuilding references

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normal-thoughts-official · 5 years

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please hate rant about how much lorenzo sucks to me i also hate him and wish more people talked about it

MY TIME HAS COME

no, but really, like............... he’s so awful? like ever since he’s first introduced, he does nothing but abuse his power in order to antagonize magnus and it’s so unnecessary and ugly and like. magnus says he doesn’t like him when he’s first introduced (tho i think part of it is just the salt of losing his job talking, which, i mean, fair) but still he’s not even, like, unpleasant to him (really it’s more alec who’s bitching and making faces, and honestly icon) and then lorenzo is just the fucking ugliest from the start.

and EVERYTHING he does is literally horrible like it’s not just some general petty rivals thing, he legit tries to kill him. i cannot fucking stress enough that that’s literally what happened. only lorenzo could undo the magic transfusion, and if he didn’t, magnus would die, and lorenzo decided not to do it knowing full well of that. he left magnus to die. he was gonna let magnus die. on purpose. he was gonna kill magnus. i don’t think people treat that as the horrible thing that it is, honestly. i see some people talking about them like they’re fun rivals or something like that, or like there’s just some dumb beef, but no, it’s literally like. he tried to FUCKING KILL HIM, and i don’t give a shit if he ended up taking back the magic at the end, because he only did it because Alec not only begged, but specifically told him that Magnus was no threat to Lorenzo. the only reason he did it was because he knew that he would still be at the top at the end. I wouldn’t even be surprised if his thought process was “oh, it’s gonna be even more torture for him to keep living as a mundane knowing he has no other choice”. and then the way he takes magnus’ magic away is so forceful like... i’ve talked briefly about how violent asmodeus was when giving magnus his magic back before, and when lorenzo takes his transfusion back, it’s the same. literally if alec weren’t there to catch him he would have let magnus drop to the ground (might i remind you that he had almost died and was basically like coming out of surgery) and he didn’t even look at him. he did it super fast and violent and forceful on purpose just to make it extra hurtful and draining on his already fragile body. and i don’t mean fragile like “he was weakened” i mean like HE WAS STILL AT THE RISK OF DYING. and lorenzo deliberately hurt his body even more when it would be the easiest thing in the world not to. and then he finishes by being like “i’m keeping your home though”. like it’s so unnecessarily cruel.

and even if i ignore the fact that lorenzo is a literal murderer who tried to murder magnus for zero (0) reason, just. everything else. from the start. off the top of my head, i remember Lorenzo: accusing Magnus of sabotaging his party and basically wanting to arrest him without a single ounce of proof; abusing his power to keep Magnus from getting help with the whole owl thing; abusing his power again to keep him from getting medical help (a magic transfusion) from anyone; rubbing it in that Magnus had just lost his magic, which is basically equivalent of rubbing it in that someone lost a limb, like, he’s also a warlock, he knows that magnus is mourning and he still goes out of his way to humiliate him (if you don’t remember, i’m talking about when magnus goes for him to ask for a magic transfusion and he’s floating and all like “oh, i didn’t see you there” and refuses to come down. it’s like magnus had lost his legs and lorenzo was jogging and he just kept running so magnus couldn’t talk to him like. it’s so disgusting); naming a completely unfair price for the transfusion because he made magnus desperate enough to accept anything, which was clearly the plan all along, just so he could humiliate him further by making him homeless as well as miserable, and not even giving him a single day to move out, like, he really wanted magnus to just rot; yeah i think that’s it.

literally like none of these things is anything short of absolutely horrifying, incomprehensibly cruel, and borderline psychopathic. and he doesn’t even have a reason for hating magnus this much. it’s just like, oh, he’s asmodeus’ son, he’s more powerful than me! CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. and let me just tell me i thought i was gonna die with laughter when he said that magnus was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, like doiuahdsiajnsada. dudebro was born a rich european at the height of Spain’s glory, got the HWoB position at a very young age for a warlock after making zero (0) efforts to actually help anyone, lives in a mansion. magnus has been abused at least twice (asmodeus and camille), has been homeless and almost died when he was just a kid, literally built himself from the ground up, invented portals and a shitton of other spells, making his reputation, has dedicated basically his entire life and more than what is healthy to the downworlder community as a whole, was literally tortured not a month ago. like shut the fuck up??? literally lorenzo is clearly so much more spoiled than magnus ever was (which explains his willingness to go this far to fuck him over, like......... imagine the amount of privilege you need to have to think taking away someone’s house is okay just because you’re jealous that they’re better at magic than you) and magnus’ reputation is way less the fact that he’s powerful and way more the fact that he’s 1- a genius, and 2- a great leader. but go off i fucking guess

but then we’re supposed to think he’s been “redemeed” because, what, Magnus didn’t go out of his way to unturn him into a lizard when asmodeus got him his house back? (honestly just the fact that he set up a nice environment for him is already so much more than he deserved, like..... id have thrown him in the sewer lmao magnus got him a whole cage with good lightning and temperature control and leaves and shit) because he agreed to go to edom literally ONLY because he was promised glory, clearly his #1 drive in life considering he’s done all of this to magnus purely because he’s mad magnus gets more recognition than him? for being like “yo alec don’t freak out and kill us all maybe” when alec was about to hurricane his ass into the depths of edom? like it’s so funny that magnus is all like “alec told me how you helped him in there...” bitch all he did was say “bitch calm down” like he didn’t even say anything besides “calm down” and “i know you can calm down” which is......... a surprisingly small amount of effort considering that if alec didn’t calm down he’d probably obliterate all their asses magically. like lorenzo probably wouldn’t die but still. also it’s his own magic, so you know. anyway, he did the literal bare minimum and didn’t even bother to be particularly supportive or anything, and suddenly he’s a hero? and he even had the fucking audacity to be like “i’m simply doing what any high warlock would do” when magnus saw him like doaiushdiuajdsamdksamda bitch first of all you weren’t gonna come. second of all it’s a little late to be all like “i care about my position and the responsibility i carry over other warlocks” AFTER you have already abused your position to deliberately antagonize someone more times than you have, like, gone to meetings. literally LORENZO FORBIDDING OTHER WARLOCKS FROM HELPING MAGNUS IS ABUSE OF POWER. it’s clearly personal, it’s fucked up, and it’s downright dictatorial behavior. it’s fucking abhorrent, and i’m gonna say it again, it’s completely crazy that the warlocks were juts like “k” with that. magnus had been HWoB for centuries and he’s never done anything of the sort and he dedicated himself fully to his people, willing even to sacrifice his relationship with alec for them, and has gone out of his way to help people individually his entire life, and then suddenly some other guy takes his position and immediately starts abusing it to antagonize the very person that had been on their side for centuries, and they’re all just fine with that??? like it’s already bullshit that magnus lost his position to begin with, because yeah the seelie queen was uh bad but honestly given the circumstances of even the most progressive side of the clave refusing to actually work with them instead of trying to control them (cuz that’s what alec did when he refused to tell him about the sword like. magnus explicitly said that the reason he broke up with him was because he felt like it was betwenen alec and his people after that and he was choosing his people, and honestly? he was right) and the world being at war with a very high possibility of a mass genocide and the seelie queen being their most powerful ally, he made the right call. but okay, i’ll believe that people were unhappy with that decision and he lost his position, whatever. but i cannot in any way believe that everyone was just watching lorenzo do that shit and didn’t care. anyway, in conclusion, sh writers: YOU DIDN’T REDEEM SHIT, lorenzo didn’t get a redemption arc, he shouldn’t have been at the malec wedding and i don’t give a shit if he flirted with underhill.

in short:

fuck lorenzo

yeah that sums up my feelings quite nicely

#ask #anonymous #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #lorenzo rey #anti lorenzo rey #honestly u can just go to the lorenzo tag on my blog and enjoy thousands of shitting-on-lorenzo posts #ugh

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jeannereames · 5 years

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Could you comment on kasta tomb? Is the excavation still ongoing? Has there been new discovery/hypothesis/debate? For a while it was all over the news then it fizzled out. Google searche only surfaces old articles. What's the academic consensus, if any, regarding whether it was a dedication to Hephaistion?

Okay, so, for the TL;DR crowd:

1) The excavation is more-or-less on hold due to lackof funding (like a lot of excavations in Greece).

2) No new discoveries for reason 1, plus the usualquagmire in Greek archaeology of access to a site and turf wars. But, thesethings also take time.

3) It wasn’t a dedication to Hephaistion. I don’tknow an academic (outside the excavator’s team) who genuinely believes it was. Attachingit to H. (or any other major figure at ATG’s court) is part of the usualattempt to get media attention (and funding).

Let’s start with #3, which will in turn answer #s 1 and 2.

First rule of archaeology: gold and famous names raise money.It doesn’t matter how important one’s discoveries actually are for the field,it matters how well the lead archaeologists can market what they’re finding topeople/gov’t with funds. Sometimes really good (non-gold) artwork also can beused for attention.

Witness how the archaeologists at Bethsaida (Israel) havehandled the finding of an iron-age stele w the image of the moon god in a “highplace” in the gate. This is *really cool*, given the date (900s?). But do theytalk about its rarity, etc.? Oh, hell, no. The email I got from Rami pointing to anarticle about the find from Israel’s Jerusalem Post announces, “Archaeologists identify citygate from time of King David.”

Famous name! Especially in Israel.

Now, compare: “Large Looted Tomb from Hellenistic Period Foundin Northern Greece,” or “Archaeologists Report they may have Found the Tomb ofAlexander the Great’s Mother/Best Friend/General…etc.” Now, which of those isgoing to get anybody to read the article? :-D

That’s how you get media attention (and hopefully, money tokeep digging, as archaeology is EXPENSIVE). Yet if the claim turns out to bebogus/unsupported, the media attention goes away or can even turn against theexcavator. If/when the first goes down, sometimes the team tries to come upwith other exaggerated explanations to maintain that spotlight, but this canjust dig the grave deeper.

So, why couldn’t this tomb be Hephaistion’s?

First, there are other burials in it—five people to be exact.Were it a monument for Hephaistion, it would be a cenotaph, not a tomb (hisbody was burned in Babylon), and it would be solo, not have other people there.Macedonian Tombs come in two basic types: solo and family. We do have otherfamily tombs (most famously, the Tomb of Lyson and Kallikles, excavated byStella Miller-Collett), and this appears to be similar to that. So attachingthis tomb to Hephaistion faces the immediate problem of, “Uh…other people?”

(Couldn’t they be his surviving family? Well, maybe, but it’sstill really weird. Trying to argue such a thing would be better called “reaching.”*grin*)

The presence of an older woman in (if I recall right) her60s, led some to propose it was Olympias in there—except, again, other people,plus we know (from ancient testimony) that Olympias was buried in Pydna (whereshe was murdered on Kassandros’s orders). So it’s also not Olympias. BothOlympias and Hephaistion are important enough that they’d have merited a solo,not family, tomb. (And most all of Olympias’s family were killed and buriedelsewhere.)

Another name put forward is Nearkhos, one of Alexander’sgenerals, who had land in the Amphipolis area. At least he is a possible candidate,although the tomb might be too late for him (but he sure as hell would have hadthe money for it). Like our Macedonian soldiers, Lyson and Kallikles, Nearkhosmight have sought to establish a family tomb. Again, it’s a reasonablepossibility, just a question of whether the tomb is too late.

Back to Hephaistion (and why it’s not him)…

The argument that it is rests on the presence of some graffiti on stones. First, the graffiti does NOT name Hephaistion (that’s an interpretationby Peristeri and her team). Second, if this were a tomb memorializing such animportant person, why on earth would it be indicated by graffiti?

The graffiti says “arelabon” followed by the letters Eta andPhi (and maybe a sigma?). Peristeri has turned that into “parelabon” and “Hephaistion”:received by Hephaistion. Problem: “arelabon” appears twice, missing thenecessary “pi” in both cases. While missing letters in inscriptions is hardlyunusual, missing the same one in two different places is odd. I’m not going toplay with that further, just leave it for true epigraphers. (I’m aprosopographer, so I deal with epigraphy only occasionally and largely withnames.) What I really want to kick to the curb is the idea that the letters area monogram for “our” Hephaistion.

My current research work involves epigraphical occurrences ofHephaistion, as well as other Hephais-based names in both their Attic-Ionic andDoric forms. Trust me, there are a LOT of names that start with Eta-Phi, evenbeyond Hephais-based names. But even if this meant “Hephaistion” the nature ofthe graffiti itself suggests somebody working on the tomb: an architect,mason, or other craftsman—not the person for whom it was made. We find suchcrafters marks on pottery, bronze, etc. (We also find such etched names on dedicationsin temples, but I don’t think that applies here.)

I think if this was really referencing Hephaistion Amyntoroshis full name would have been given (not a monogram), and it would be a lotmore prominent within in the tomb.

Furthermore—and one of our eternal problems with IDingMacedonian tombs—is that, unlike many figured tombstones (stele), Macedoniantombs usually DON’T name the dead person buried there, even when we suspect theymay portray the dead persons image (like the Tomb of Judgement at Lefkadia).The Tomb of Lyson and Kallikles is unusual. Instead, we get names like the Tombof Judgement, or the Tomb of the Palmettes. The Tomb of Eurydike was calledthat by later archaeologists; there’s absolutely no indication that it belongedto Philip’s mother. It’s almost certainly a woman’s tomb, but that’s about allwe know.

And oh dear, wouldn’t the whole Royal Tomb II at Verginadebate be SO much simpler if there was actually a flippin’ name on the tomb?!There’s not.

Identifying who’s buried in a tomb is REALLY HARD. Itdepends on dating, objects, and probabilities.

So yeah, some craftman’s graffito on the Kasta Tomb means zilch,except that he got his wish and has been spoken of by posterity.

So…trying to turn this into a cenotaph or tomb ofHephaistion is a pile of …wishful thinking. 😉 It’d be cool if it was…but it’s going to takea LOT more evidence to make that claim (not to mention explaining the 5 peoplein there).

Another problem is trying to DATE this sucker.

Those who want to tie it to Alexander more directly are desperateto make it early Hellenistic, despite clues to the contrary ranging fromarchitecture to the gown style of the Karatids. I’m not an art historian, so Iwon’t dig into that. I’ll simply point to one thing I found extremely curiousbut have not seen anyone (yet) address: the use of blue in the mosaic.

Now first, no silliness please about the Greeks not “seeing”blue; that was going around the internets for a while. Yes, they saw blue! Butthe color palette common to painters like Apelles in the late Classical period weremore earth tones. (Again, not an expert. I’m just gonna point to the word ofOlga Palagia, et al. Go and read Olga.) We find these colors in the pebblemosaics at Aegae (Aigai) and Pella, as well as Dion, et al. Even in thebeautiful Persephone painting in Tomb I and Aegae/Vergina.

The first time I saw that BLUE in the Kasta Tomb mosaic, itreally struck me. Unfortunately, art historians tend to catalogue mosaicsby how they’re made, not the colors in them, so I haven’t been able to track thisdown further, except to say that I, personally, have not seen an early Hellenisticpebble mosaic in Macedonia that used blue pebbles. Maybe there’s one hiding ina museum basement somewhere, but these mosaics are pretty spectacular and tendto be shown off. Blue as a color in mosaics is later, showing Egyptian influence.It’s also seen more in tessera mosaics than pebble, which were going out ofstyle by the Roman era. (I think the last datable pebble mosaic is from Delos,1st century BCE—again, Olga.)

So given the use of blue in that mosaic, I’d prefer to see adate that’s mid-Hellenstic at the earliest.

Ergo, we’re probably looking at the family tomb of animportant Hetairos during the Antigonid Dynasty. That’s my best guess.

Incidentally, pointing to the 4th century AmphipolisLion and saying, “Well, it was on top, so the tomb must be 4thcentury!” is horrible methodology. Something stuck on the top of thetomb (which may or may not have been there originally) does not date the tomb. Evenif the lion had been inside, that doesn’t help. Let me explain with an example:

Just because you want to be buried with your great-aunt Bertha’sWWII WAVE wings does not mean that *you* fought in WWII. 😉 It means you were buried with an antique. Sothe presence of the lion means only that the tomb probably can’t date BEFOREthe 4th century lion. That doesn’t mean it can’t date afterit. In fancy archaeologist-speak, the Amphipolis Lion provides only a “terminuspost quem” (earliest date for X), not a “terminus ante quem” (latest date for X).

#Kasta Tomb #Macedonian archaeology #Hephaistion #Hephaestion #classical archaeology #amphipolis tomb

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apprentice-nylah · 5 years

Text

So since I didn’t catch that we finally got Book XXI - The World until now... I’m doing my usual first impressions of playing through and my thoughts. Since (I think?) this is the end of Nadia’s route, I believe I’ll do an overall thoughts in a different post later on when I’ve digested everything.

Both my thoughts on the Upright ending and Reversed ending are under the cut. I play through Nadia’s route only. But this is a much longer than normal post. And it goes without saying, but a lot of spoilers under the cut.

Upright Ending

- ITS FINALLY HERE?!?@?!??@~

- Backroom of the shop but in red... okie

- oh is this uhm.. when the apprentice first got revived?

- snow

- oh what did nadia legit visit the apprentice when.. wait...

- okay so basically you can only pick “youve come to the right place!” even though theres an option for “wait this isn’t right.”

- YoU’Re hEr FiAnCe!!!

- NO YOURE PERFECT FOR HER

- is it going to be the fool card???

- ok the high priestess, I can accept that

- THE LOVE OF MY LIFE (can you hear me screaming irl)

- this is all the devils fault so “the devil will pay for this”

- aw nadia gushing about the apprentice is so cute

- “I’ll always find you.” fuck ye

- uhm.. apprentice wise probably “id turn into a phoenix.”

- lived on the moon.. “i’d live there too.”

- it was cheesy but u loved it anyway

- im actually squealing irl about nadia

- winkie sprite again ;0

- back where it started then eh

- “it has no power”

- renovating it would be a nice touch i think

- death

- “this IS a pickle”

- a ruse cruise l0l

- “you’re right” can’t believe i’m taking advice from death

- letting go of the past

- i don’t want to worry u queeeen

- this scene is familiar from asras route i think though i didn’t play it to this point, just have seen screenshots of it

- aw nadia

- that “back off zombie” option just reminds me of that heath inspector spongebob episode for some reason, but i’m going with “i wouldn’t say that”

- you could but u won’t

- “emotionally traumatizing zombie card” lmao

- ooo his thone room is kinda cool art wise

- i still love the devils art even tho i kinda hate him

- “do you ever stop talking” theres no other option to choose obviously

- nadia lecturing the devil is everything

- mortals but the apprentice is basically the fool so idk how true that exactly is

- WE WON

- what kind of person exactly WAS nadia if her family is this shocked that she wants them to visit, jeez

- fashion show lmfao

- natiqa gunna stay oo

- aw muriel and asra is still cute as fuck

- awww the baker getting to be procurator. thats also cute as fuck

- volta as official taste tester l0l

- portia totally has a crush on nahara and no one can convince me otherwise

- “i’m not ready to leave”

- i swear they keep mentioning things on fire and although shes prob referring to the one we were there for, theres always so many stories involving the satrinavas that include setting things on fire and i want to hear all the stories

- “lets bother valerius” we owe him for it still

- “he deserves it” my thoughts exactly

- YOU BET I REMEMBER IT

- “what we’ve done!!”

- sprite artttttttt

- eeeeeee.

I do feel like the ending is somewhat anti-climactic. I would have loved to see the wedding and all that cute shit, but perhaps it could be a tale later on. Or it also gives fandom creators some room to let the imagination run wild and that’s always a positive thing as well.

I haven’t looked around much, but i think theres some discourse about the endings, though when is there not discourse in the fandom lmfao. I will say that i think this does really play into what I said before that the upright ending and route playthrough is all about change. This is the person Nadia is capable of being at her best and her reversed ending the person she could be if she had stayed on the path she was set on. (or at her worse, if you prefer that).

as said, I think I’ll put an overview thoughts in a different post, but I think book XXI was a pretty decent wrap up, though obviously I wish there had been more of it.

Reversed Ending

- I’m still like.. not as mad about the reversed ending as a lot of people seemed to be, but also i agree with the apprentice. PANIC

- okay im really keen on domination and shit but being a possession of another person is really a no-no for me. but i get it nadia... this isn’t ur best u

- the devil really has a fetish for red, don’t he

- I think this place is never gunna let u go anyway tbh

- learning more about the devils nature and knowing that nadia is eventually gunna be the devil is just like... why.

- “which would u prefer”

- u bet im gunna be fucking cheeky

- “ill obey” ig. idk what the “right answer” is so...

- say nothing

- nadias eyes are fucking creepy like what

- tbh i can’t believe this somehow backfired on the devil like... i didn’t think he was actually this stupid

- “its beautiful”

- okay her devil sprite is hot asf. i admit it.

- “of course’

- so valarius rules vesuvia now?

- its kinda of sad to see her relationship with the high priestess gone

- okay, also a hot CG

- “gimme!” tho i’m sure shes gunna make me beg or something wild

- “let me thank you properly”

- kiss every inch of her

- thats kinda sweet in a weird sort of way

- “youre mine”

- they fucked didn’t they

- youre going to free her... >.>

Okay, i have... thoughts. While I’ve said that I do believe that the Reverse ending is supposed to be Nadia as the person she was at the beginning of the story (or at least in some ways with some of her less desirable traits amplified to the max), this just seems... weird after playing the Upright ending.

Obviously this makes sense if you played the route as a reverse ending. The apprentice is super dedicated to Nadia that they’ll follow her blindly, even if it means harming other people. You fail to see her faults and instead just tell her that people who criticize her are wrong. But like I said, I think the Devil honestly being that idiotic that he actually gave her the power to defeat him is just wild. In a way where there has to be a lot of suspension of disbelief for that to be a thing. But okay. This is where we are.

I do think a lot of the domination/physical scenes with Nadia were super hot and wish we had gotten a bit more in the Upright ending, but since I have both endings, I can live with getting the emotional lovey stuff in one and the steamy physical stuff in another. THat’s fine. Also, I really do love Nadia’s Devil sprite. The art is great for it.

Anyway, those are just some thoughts I had on my first play through. I’ll probably do a full reflection tomorrow when I’ve sort of had more time to process my feelings. As for what I’ll do with the Arcana now that Nadia’s route is over... I’m not sure. I’m not super hot on Portia, though I like her. Just not in a “I want to romance her way.” Maybe I’ll play through Muriel since I think he’s sweet and I thihnk his story will be super interesting. And As much as I hate Lucio in this route, I’m kinda of interested in how they’re planning on writing his route.

#the arcana #the arcana spoilers #nadia satrinava #nadia spoilers #first thoughts #upright and reverse endings

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star-anise · 6 years

Text

So. I’m currently reading Arrows of the Queen, by Mercedes Lackey, since it was finally released on audiobook this year. Re-reading, in fact; reading these books as a 31-year-old therapist instead of a starry-eyed 13-year-old.

I ranted the other night about the book's depiction of Elspeth as "spoiled" instead of "abused", and @feathersescapism (as part of the post's excellent and thoughtful contributions) said this about Mercedes Lackey:

It’s so effing messy for me because like on the one hand she saved my life. She was the VERY first place I saw loving, validated, celebrated queer relationships and ironically Vanyel was the first time I saw an example of someone who was angry and hurt and messy and bad at people and bullied but not a passive victim be portrayed as fundamentally loveable. As in fact valuable enough, worthy enough to be PURSUED, even, to have someone make the effort to get past his hostile defense behaviors. That was priceless to me. Unfortunately it’s like….it was water when I was dying of thirst but it turns out it was water laced with heavy metals that then did a lot of long term damage.

Which is partly just a concentration thing; if you are drinking from many wells, having one be poisoned won't damage you as much overall. But if it's your only source of water, even trace amounts get dangerous. And, well, we were Eighties babies, mentally ill queer kids with access to small-town libraries who ducked guidance counsellors who pushed conformity as the path to happiness.

So I just found a scene that I think really shows that Lackey was writing from a specifically 80s understanding of psychology, before we knew almost anything about trauma; as considered today, it's bad practice on multiple levels, and can point to some of the underlying problems with the Valdemar worldview.

TW child abuse, child neglect

So in this part of the book, 13-year-old Talia, who was rescued from her awful abusive life among the Holderkin by a giant magical horse, is settling into her new life as a Herald-trainee. She attends classes during the day, and then sleeps in her own room in a dormitory wing of her fellow trainees. Her teachers know that she displays all the symptoms of an abused child, and that she's from an extremely insular and rigid culture.

Her teacher, Teren, asks her to stay after class, and she does, wary and panicked because she doesn't know what's going on. He explains that the Heralds sent a letter back to her family to explain that her disappearance was because of the magical horse choosing her as a future Herald, and they get half-taxes that year and she's going to be very important. Her family, however, replies to say only, "Sensholding has no daughter Talia." Because she ran away instead of staying and getting married, she is disobedient and bad, and therefore totally shunned by her entire community.

She didn't realize she was weeping until a single hot tear splashed on the paper, blurring the ink. She regained control of herself immediately, swallowing down the tears. [...] It was odd, but when she'd chosen to run away, their certain excommunication hadn't seemed so great a price to pay for freedom; but somehow now, after all her hopes for forgiveness had been raised only to be destroyed by this one note-- Never mind; once again she was on her own--and Herald Teren would hardly approve of her sniveling over the situation. "It's all right," she said, handing back the note to the Herald. "I should have expected it." She was proud that her voice only trembled a little, and that she was able to meet his eyes squarely. Teren was startled and slightly alarmed; not at her reaction to the note, but by her immediate iron-willed suppression of it. This was not a healthy response. She should have allowed herself the weakness of tears; any child her age should have. Instead, she was holding back, turning further into herself. He tried, tentatively, to call those tears back to the surface where they belonged. Such suppression of natural feelings could only mean deep emotional turmoil later--and would only serve as one more brick in the wall the child had placed between herself and the others around her. "I wish there was something I could do to help." Teren was exceedingly distressed and tried to show that he was as much distressed at the child's denial of her own grief as with the situation itself. "I can't understand why they should have replied like this." If he could just get her to at least admit that the situation made her unhappy, he would have an opening wedge in getting her to trust him. [...] "I'm going to be late--" Talia winced away from the outheld hand and ran, wishing Teren had been less sympathetic. He'd brought her tears perilously close to the surface again. She'd wanted, above all other things, to break down and cry on his shoulder. But--no. She didn't dare. When kith and kin could deny her so completely, what might not strangers do, especially if she exposed her weaknesses? And Heralds were supposed to be self-sufficient, self-reliant. She would not show that she was unworthy and weak.

What I took away from this book, at 13 and during most successive readings, was that the fault in this situation is Talia's unwillingness to trust Teren and break down. It is her inability to open up emotionally to her deep, vulnerable feelings that causes problems. I suspect that my reading is not terribly far off the narrative's own perception of the central problem. In the 1980s, psychology was very based around the individual, the dance of the id, ego, and superego. Talia's problem is that she has an overactive superego, which prevents her from expressing her natural feelings in a healthy way. She uses unhealthy coping mechanisms, which must be overcome to achieve health and full congruence with her feelings. This runs very much on the catharsis model, where emotions build up like a boil, and must be lanced; once someone "vents", they feel better.

Now, at 31, and trained to help vulnerable 13-year-olds, I can see a lot of differences in how I'd assess the problem now. The trauma field especially has come to understand that humans are essentially relational beings; our brains are born in relationships. We function best in relationships. We need, more than anything else, to feel connected and understood. And then, above that: we are beings in brains and bodies. Our consciousness is limited by the hardware it runs on. If our body is dedicating all its resources to fight-or-flight, we cannot be rational, logical thinkers. We need to understand how to regulate our own emotions, both by personal actions and through relationships with others, to achieve health. It takes repeated, patterned practice to master the skills of understanding and moderating those emotions. Coping mechanisms may be unhealthy, but as I was taught in grad school, "All psychopathology was adaptive once." If you're going to take away someone's unhealthy coping mechanism, you need to have first replaced it with something healthier.

So looking at this scene now, I can point out that Talia represses her emotions instantly because in her family of origin, she got beaten up for crying. Her teachers have already observed that she has the defensive and startle-reactions of an abused child. It should not be very hard for Teren to put two and two together and think: She has been systematically trained to view emotion as unsafe.

He could, at this point, make the rules of their current situation clear: "It's all right to cry. You don't have to put on a brave face for me." This would let Talia know that she won't lose support or status if she cries. But that assumes, frankly, that she can cry; that the experience of being vulnerable in front of another human being wouldn't be too overwhelming, perhaps terrifying, for her to bear. He could also validate that, and let Talia know he sees her and understands. "It'd be all right if you let that guard down, but it looks like you've got a lot of experience with dealing with hard knocks. If you ever do want to talk about it, I'm here."

It's important for him not to try to force her to show feeling the way he thinks she should. He doesn't actually know that it's safe, or that he's safe. Traumatized people need, more than almost anything else, to achieve a measure of control over their own emotions and bodies. They need to be able to make themselves calm when they need to be calm, and not to be ambushed with sadness or fear out of the blue. It should be, more than anything, Talia's decision of when and where to express her emotions. Is bottling it all up unhealthy for her? Oh, probably. She might get depression later this month, or heart disease in 40 years. But being forced to cry when she's not ready to can leave her feeling violated and retraumatized, right here, right now.

The thing that makes crying comforting for most people is that they have a very deep pattern etched on their brains: They cry, someone comforts them, their pain recedes, they feel calmer. It's the pattern of a thousand hungry wakeups as a baby where someone was gentle and kind and fed them. It's skinned knees kissed and broken toys mended. But Talia probably doesn't have that; her experience of crying has been that she's punished and abused for it, and as an infant whose mother died in childbirth, she probably wasn't adequately nurtured either to build those good associations in the first place. Crying just takes her into a deeper place of loneliness and self-hatred. So for her to soothe herself, she might need to be taught very basic ways of doing that--to take a break, to do something she loves, to get a hug from a friend. Her traditional reaction has been to mask her emotions, and to self-isolate and let those feelings of pain and alienation swamp her.

What he could even do, as I sometimes do as a therapist, is respect that repression as a way of coping and roll with it. If someone can only bear the most glancing reference to their trauma? Then glance. Use black humour or obvious irony to acknowledge the situation without engaging with its emotional depth. “So, you know, no big deal. I bet that’s what you’ve always wanted.” So long as it’s paired with other kinds of real caring--especially useful, immediate help and close emotional attunement--that’s not out of place.

One thing he seems to have assumed is that of course, if your family is awful and devastating, you get to take the morning off to cry. I can only assume that's why he's pushing her to cry at the end of class, when she has another one to go to right after. But she might not know that. Certainly her familyexpected that if they did something awful and devastating, Talia needed to get back to work as soon as possible. Teren doesn't discuss this, and I think it's important; Talia goes to something like four other classes, has lunch, and reads for an hour before she finally gets to do anything relevant to taking care of her emotions. Implicitly, the idea that schedule and routine supercede emotions, and that emotional work takes second place, gets reinforced by the system that thinks it's "saving" her.

The other thing traumatized people struggle with, next to control, is connection. Trauma is hugely isolating; it reroutes resources away from the parts of the brain that foster social connection, so people literally lose track of anyone who might be loving and supportive, and it's hard to make ordinary people understand what you're going through. This is part of why Teren showing Talia all his distress isn't really good for her; he's overloading her still further with natural empathy for his emotions, increasing the weight she has to carry mentally, but not reinforcing her connections. He doesn't remind her that other Heralds are her family now, nor does he give her help in how to reach out to anyone.

Who might Teren remind her of? As much as he's taking on the role of The Person She Can Be Emotional To, he's hardly ever in her life; this is the last day of their week-long class where he met her for one hour a morning. He could encourage her to talk to one of her regular teachers, including his twin Keren, who teaches her equitation, or the cook, in whose kitchen Talia is most confident and in her element. If her dormitory had older Heralds who lived there in a kind of supervisory or mentoring role, spending hours of unstructured free time with the trainees, he could direct her to one of them. He could even direct her to her age-peers, with whom she lives, who might not be the most emotionally attuned but certainly seem to be the group with whom the Heralds expect her to do most of her emotional bonding.

Or he could--now here's a thought--suggest she spend the rest of the morning with the magical psychic horse who can beam rays of love and devotion directly into her brain.

But he doesn't. It is only after Talia has attended classes on history, geography, mathematics, etiquette, and archery, eaten lunch, read for an hour, and cried in the back of the sewing room, that she finally sees her magic horse. And she does feel a bit better! But by then, her major adrenaline has worn off, and with it the ability to etch memories deeply into her brain; the first hours after her shock were spent ignoring her feelings and being disconnected from people who didn't notice she was in pain, thus reinforcing all her old traumatic impressions.

So the book sets up a recurring number of incidents where Talia's loneliness and isolation is reinforced by the world around her; where no one provides her the necessary scaffolding to help her build bridges with other people and develop the skills to be healthier; and then, as happens throughout the series, when something bad happens to her, she is blamed for being so isolated and repressed.

When I was 13, I had no framework to understand any of this. On the schoolyard, I'd been taught many of Talia's lessons about the dangers of showing weakness, and in the classroom, about the importance of repressing emotions; I used her as an emotional model. (Later in the books, Talia lbecomes an Empath and Mind-Healer, which hugely impacted my decision to become a therapist.) But then, when her loneliness turned into defencelessness and her lack of emotional control turned into instability, the narrative said it was her fault for not being healthier. And so I thought: Yes. It is completely reasonable to provide a young person with no emotional support at all, and then get mad at them for being fucked up.

And so there's lead in the water.

#staranise original #therapisting #valdemar revisited #child abuse tw #child neglect tw #trauma tw

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