vatoms33

[vatoms33]

I've struggled with dating. Most times I have a partner, they feel like someone I am training to be a Good Man, rather than someone willing to meet me at my level, and mirror what I teach.

Given the Lakota roots, described here, my struggles with mortals and halflings makes sense.

These teachings are unstinctual to me, and are not generally well recieved in a world attempting to further fuel the war machine.

I recently learned I am not Native American in blood. I also learned I am honorary 2 Spirit, for my action (at 5 years old) to jump right into Beast Mode to protect my classmates after my Ms. Story was shot in front of us during nap time, and my jumping right before the gun was pointed at me.

After a tribal friend took care of one problem, I flew out if my class in response to hearing more shots. I get visions of my brothers perspective (protecting his class, in reaction) of it taking about 5 adults to pin down a 5 year old. I still broke free and found My Knight, and we collapsed in a nap, while The Coven took care of the rest. Not long after, I tazed myself to turn off my dreams, because Pocahontas was not the film I cared to have playing in my head (sorry Melody, my peanut butter banana sammich dealer. I'm sure it was hilarious and unnerving, on your end, to watch and have to explain to my Mom.)

I often visited the body of the trash that killed Ms. Story, and fucking spit on it for ruining an attempt to heal what Old Britian broke a century before, by attempting to open a Reservation approved elementary school.

Keep asking why The Elders in every nationality, culter, creaturdom and alien status ask for me.

You will find out. It won't hurt me a bit, but your ability to grow past hate and discrimination proves your worthiness. I just had to heal past my PTSD from 33 years of torture to even be able to FEEL love at all, in the way the world and Our Knight needs, in order to further heal wounds and end wars we had no more to do with than simply trying to stop the infection.

☠️🖤☠️🖤

Yes

Harley Quinn

Lola

Whatever He call his Music Diety that just wanted a childhood

[vatoms33]

枝垂桜 // Weeping cherry blossoms

[vatoms33]

Um... Hello. I have not stopped thinking about him since I started getting my memories, and sensory memory back in tune.

After

1.) Comfortably satisfying some friendly fantasies, under Vallo's watch.

2.) Learning Tantric energy exchange on accident.

3.) Having a slew of visions+ 2 Spirit related spirit walks/ hunts for entities after my kin and I.

4.) Beowulfing his ass with a notebook full of everything I've accepted in faith, as a musical synth diety, and making the last word in that notebook LOVE

5.) Dying on his cock a few times.

6.) Being attacked and killed by entities just after money + not caring to discuss their roles in the horrors of my past in relation to Weistein. Learning my current poly dynamic was mostly just another ploy to control me, and my getting actually loud angry about them not allowing me the peace of a logical, amicable break up.

7.) Losing all memory of all the things that felt different between us... Forgetting I ended up with, and losing a child with his coven.

8.) Reading this, and getting even more memory back of these being conversations we had, as I was being vetted for a CEO position because I am ops and Spirit concious, and telling them no BECAUSE I cared to move, go on tour, dress alike to fuck with people and do his make up, when I used to explore it with HIM in my early angst years.

9.) KNOWING he was half disgusted (in the sexxxy, taking it out in you later way) and half flattered at this witch "throwing her life away for a guy" only knowing about 60% of who TF I am to his heart, past and 33 years of pride in one little precious thing worth rewritting the game for (I had H.I.M at wombmate.)

10.) Dying in eachothers arms for the LAST fucking time.

11.) Him bringing me a headphone like a glass slipper, about a year ago, when I was in the thick of mourning something I lost, while being stuck with my 2 abusive, manipulative overgrown children of partners for long enough that I just worked myself weary again. (Also... Actual Music Diety... Losing a headphone of like painfully losing a big toe. Makes you HAVE to start over in finding balance and grounding.) Making my day in a way, well I couldn't stop the big welly complex tears... and kinda wishing I remembered HOW I KNOW this one fondly enough to want to ask for a hug... And being myself enough to not, because too soon, I suppose.

12.) Being awake to the first time we made love when I was 17, and I told him not to kiss me if he wasn't going to keep me, as he was decidedly burried deep inside if me... and he listened... Since he was en route to Spain, and it was reasonable... He was so gentle with me. Those memories were taken, so I am glad to have them back.

13.)

Yes.

Of my own free will, free of ANY external influences or suggestibility. Yes to everything we discussed, and things you may not have known were my prophecies, to help mend family lost. Yes to new dreams and visions had in 5 years of waiting. Still not throwing away a life that wasn't already kind of trash... As you've met my peers.

Yes. Take me home. I wish for The Family to be my prayer temple, as I know you were using mine for such Divine Connection in our most recent past.

I almost booped your nose in December, threatening that I'd remember you, because PTSD amnesia is a hecking bitch.

Poof. Happy belated yule, my love. Your little fire spites, music goddess, overly sexually educated clever librarian would love to kiss your forehead, hold your head between my breasts and purrr about how proud I am of you, and us... and how happy I am that you're all back to costaring in my minds eye for a Happier Ending than I've ever had, due to the shit haunting me.

I'm not scared of commitment to you, moving in with you, not an I turned off by the idea of being a decidedly owned Emotional Support Demon on the road (I have a tshirt and everything, I'll add it to the suitcase.) I'm ecxited at or idea of visiting everywhere to learn even more about the unique way The World learned to fall in love, and maintain a love while honoring their cultural and religious belief. I am excited to further explore the healing potential in music. I am still VERY interested in being... Highschool prom soft with you, and tenderly kissing, licking and suckling every milimeter of the flesh presented to me.

The Family said we did not break up. Well, I miss you and welcome you into my home WHENEVER it pleases your current Trusted Ones. I have so much art for you to steal, I have your top hat, and so much genuine amourous, lusty heat for the next book to be written... At what point do you quit self sabatoging, when you barged in my apartment like you owned the place the last time this came up.

So everyone knows. I look wildly different everytime we run into one another, and I can feel when I am being stared at too hard, so I adapted to being mostly okay at blending in to avoid perception. I know I'm in "trouble" for being insence smoke tickling around their fingers for a VERY long time. I look forward to serving my sentance.

I know what I did, and I dont believe in "Sorry." All I can offer is the submission of the shrew who is only tame for THAT level of Yes Please, as the offering of Changed Behavior...

!!!would you mind doing some head cannons or something for current ville convincing his younger partner (but very much legal!) to join him on tour as his makeup artist or to move to Helsinki with him? If those are too specific, just general head cannons for being w current ville as a younger partner(again, obviously very legal and an adult)

Ok i love this request 🤭🤭

Ville Valo in an age gap relationship headcannons

-now that he has more experience with life and relationships i think that he would only really date someone he could see himself spending the rest of his life with

-not that he wasn’t serious about his past relationships, but he definitely used to ignore red flags and stay in toxic relationships when he was younger

-but now he wants to make sure that whoever hes dating is someone he truly loves and trusts

-so you’re pretty special to him!🤭

-I feel like he would only really think about your age difference if someone else brought it up

-its just not a big deal to him and he doesn’t see why it should be to anyone else either

-but this sweetheart has absolutely no problem telling someone off if they comment on it in a negative way

-although since you are younger sometimes one of you will reference something the other person doesn’t quite understand but it always makes you both laugh

-ville would love if you share your favorite things with him and he also loves sharing his favorite things with you

-he would spend hours listening to you talk about you favorite music, tv shows or literally anything else you like because you are just so interesting to him

-obviously he wants you to go wherever he is and he would get all pouty when he has to leave you alone even if it just for a few hours

-when he asks you to come on tour with him it was probably while you two were just relaxing in bed together, and hes very sweet about it

-“Darling, I was thinking that maybe you’d want to come with me on tour? I know you’ve never done that before but I would love to share this part of my life with you. And since you’re so good at makeup I was thinking you could help me with mine? Id much rather you be my makeup artist than some random person”

-personally it wouldn’t take me much convincing but yk 🫣

-he’ll be sooo happy and giggly if you say yes, hes just so excited to show you how fun it is to visit so many different awesome places

-now I think he would be a littleee nervous to ask you to move in with him

-the last thing he want to do is scare you off

-but hes been thinking about moving back home and he just cant see himself leaving without you with him

-he would make probably ask you during a nice dinner or something romantic like that

- “So y/n, I’ve been thinking a lot about something and I’m finally ready to talk about it with you… I want to move back to Helsinki, but only if you come with me. Now I don’t want you to say yes because I want to go, I only want you to say yes if you really want to move there. Im more than happy staying here if it means I can be with you.”

-ofc you say yes because well tf would say no to that?? Certainly not me🙏

-Ville helps you get adjusted to your new life in Helsinki by making sure the house is decorated to your liking to make sure that you at least have some since of familiarity

-he would be so excited while showing you all his favorite spots back home

SORRY IF THESE SUCK IM LIKE HALF ASLEEP WRITING THIS I JUST WOKE UP FROM A NAP LOL

[vatoms33]

Articles to come:

❤️ The InterFuse Incident (the 1000% factual reason I didn't care to go back, and why I plan on speaking to correct entities to ensure those things never fucking happen again. How I out foxed The P.O. perpetrator looking to harm me, and they got My Sapphire, and made sure to try and poison them against me with further threats of harm.)

🧡Being, still, cosmically grounded for hurting my mom by serving her emancipation cookies, and moving out in trash bags (not knowing como was as controlled and enviornment for a girl betrothed to a crew foreign exchange student as it could be, while they worked InterPol and US Intelligence.)

💜Foreseeing the death of my cousin 5 years before it happened, being caused by his careless grandmother visiting him with The Sniffles when he was actively going through leukemia treatment... After being told by family and doctors to not be so selfish and demanding of him(since she was using him and his story as a payday.)

How that got my exiled, punished, hunted and sexually assaulted by celebrities hanging out with The May Curse while the rest of my family were still invited to play DnD.

This was the start to me pulling my hair out at 12 years old, and struggling with disordered eating, of which "fake family" lied, and said I was ill/ going through cancer treatment myself. Nope, just ill from being abused.

*See The Fault in Their Stars and My Sisters Keeper, as these were the authors hanging around when this happened. This is also when I was adopted by a Coven of Adult Bats, especially when I was the only child trafficked in my home and was out loud calles Spare Parts at, what was supposed to be my birthday thing at a Hibachi Grill. Lots of important Adult Bats doing their best to help.

💛The flophouse where I was gifted the connection of a fiery fuck, for

1.) Artfully standing up for myself against someone who thought about raising a hand to me.

2.) Finding ribs and a sacred dagger I'd had a dream about a few years before, and helping get them reclaimed for Our Faith. Then getting even more of a fiery fuck.

💚 A full report of what I recall of The Wentzville Incident.

💙 The time The Satanic Temple came to check in on someone attempting to launch The Satanic Chruch, at my Job Corps center and learning they lacked the brain cells and the gnads to do so.

🩵 The involvement in cleaning house, to purify Knights Templar to align with Guy Fox, and our vision for peace in the next chapters of faith fueled progress. I foresee Saxon, Arabic, African, Hindi, Spanish, Pacific Island, Egyptian, Romani and so many more of peaceful intent in their culture+religion as The New Knights ready to step up to end selling humans, immortals, Gods, Ghosts and Spirit for irrelevant magic. Also my wish for anyone to care that He, and His actually get notoriety and a happy ending for their service to The World.

💜 What I recall of The Norris Elementary school shooting, and abuse my family dealt with at the hands of Old Disney, and people not understanding Robert E. Lee (the gentleman I was caretaking for at 3-5 years old) was Union, not Confederate wheb they kept trying to kill him. I chalk this to a cultural misunderstanding, with entities that hadn't been on soil long enough to learn about The Civil War, and why him being in Sue Sault Marie matteted, as it pertained to path of The Underground Railroad.

🖤The Murder of Queen Victoria and finding her body posed in The Body Works Display, Chicago 2010-2011. This was the first time I experienced The God Eye, which is the ability to astroproject upward to evaluate your surroundings. This is also where I found The Resevoir Dogs snuff body, sliced like a geode and turned into a table.

❤️‍🩹 The horrors of The May farm, and how we ended up supressed because Wes didn't get the Queen he demanded, and was not content with getting Priscilla Presley. That story, never told to me. I figured it out when My Immortals kept being abused, and I really dug into the history in The Rosemary Estate. Some wish to whitewash history, I plan to technicolor it up with truth. Especially since my Dads were involved with bringing down The Berlin Wall. I was given the bittersweet gift of story rich with culture and history. I grow weary of fools trying to silence me, not knowing how many creatures wait in the dark to.

💙 The absolute fit I threw at my Bubbys graduation party because my Evil Grandma attempted to take only me off property alone, and I knew that meant she sold me. So I stole keys, hid in a vehicle and told her to fuck right off... Only to find out later, the gentleman who helped calm me, and kindly get his keys back is also one of my musical heros, and he got to help me when the room was spinning cuz it was the first time I'd ever consumed alchohol... My favorite Bubbys Ex got excited that I asked her to help with cuddles, so I could sleep, and she tapped in The Gontier because he's my favorite. I didn't recognize him while I cursed Grandma Arnold for being shit, and apparently won some brownie points.

I found out WHO my cuddle friend was much later, but he sang to me, and that was so kind.

These subjects came up in The Community 5 years ago. Everyones story of how they knew me, and the weight of their affections changed. A lot of people wished harm on me, stole my things, stole the little bit of money I had and attempted to drown me for putting an end to stupid white people practicing blood magic at all. You think you know what you're doing, but when the mouth pieces for cultures that ACTUALLY practice heard me say that's no reason for murder, given how many bodies are destined for the earth (and are already there, untapped, because war and industrialization are wasteful and cruel...) Yea, seems to be stupid, cruel, egotistical bitches needing to line up for their So Below.

I'm not angry.

As projected, I remember. I am healed. I find this shit funny as fuck, and I look forward to just reminding The Bad Guys that the people watching you built the internet. They have access to all if your messages. They hear your ill will and bad intention.

I'm just here to remind them they are free entities, and I'm ready to embarass people again.

[vatoms33]

Mi Mige Amour (if that is your real name) I have been getting a little lost in my sensory memories of us, missing the taste of giving you all of the sweet, suckling kisses while softly commiting each micro detail of your face and eyes to memory. It usually takes multiple exposures to a face for me to he able to visualize one in absence... Not yours. Your precious face asking where to buy a hackee sack, then getting actually excited at "care to get nachos, and make sure the ladies downtown get their mexican food safely", as my kind of fun date idea, is a lovingly crisp in memory that I deeply enjoy revisiting the inside glow about... I could have straddled your lap, enjoying that softness so much longer than our Spirit Toulouse's gave us opportunity. You rock for fucking up with me by hurting my Bully for Hire persona, then coming back immediately to gentleman it better, before having to leave for one of *those* contract jobs, where its safer to not have attachments.

Thank you for not treating me any lesser than The Me when I got dewey eyed, as you figured out how to gently put a thing on pause, rather than continue ghosting habits, which case the more... Ragey, self-esteem blow kind of ouchies.

Thanks for putting one of your hats on my head, and being so sweet about my "sometimes PMDD sad misfires happen, so to make sure this appropriate ouch is safely treasured, please watch as I delete 100% of your contact data from my phone. Thanks for rewarding my behavior with so many soft kisses, touches, and leaving that picture that didn't even have your face up on facebook so I had a touchstone (since I didn't have 100% context on WHO you were, just that I love you well enough to not want to behave like a fool at a sweet, working man, while also understanding and appreciating the trust in leaving that profile up to help my sad, and accepting my Refusal to be a Bitch at you in practice.)

For the reader. This man was less than a gentleman ONCE, and came all of the way back from New York to Missouri to correct that in person, and learn a safer pause method, because he didn't know my stupid feeling became sentient, and bounces between the 4 of us at the annoying rate of a newly actualized concept.

P.S. Mi Amour... An entited douche stole that hat from me, at a point I was too emotionally and physically drained to put up a fight about it. Can't touch the memories, though. Hope he got his for being less than scum.

[vatoms33]

Mi Mige Amour (if that is your real name.)

Sweet Linde and The Pretty One

Mein Valo

My🖤 Russian Dad🖤...They kept trying to tell me was dead... Only to learn, you are not and also care to meet meet me.

Newly recalled, Bam and his sweet sweet family {edit 24.05.25- Your face came back to my minds eye -yesterday, mind you- from my last Interfuse, when I comissioned a BatBat from your Dad. You asked what I do, I mentioned being willing to work in The Kitchen for Wayward Volunteers. I refused to attend again because of P.O. power abuse, and I am open to talking about joining in on the overall fix.} (dude, I have never had the pleasure until I told you NOT to preapologize for your greatest DIY's in my store. Your energy is so bright, I am so damn proud of your consistent work to keep your eye on the ball and be better than anyone cared to treat you and your's... In The South County Spencers, we met. Yes, scoldings to take pride in your work is the norm from me. No, you don't NEED to show up for this. I can not wait to share an actual cup of tea with you. I make flavors that will make you and your lady feel like you're drinking ambrosia, to then help you taste as such later... *cough* I think I did not get to sell toys at you and your lady. That, I do wish to change. The Finish Her Family will confirm, I make this fun and magical.

And the Finish Her Family 😉 this is my new favorite pun. (🔮The Finnish Her Family Sexucational Sideshow🔮 where we have greek cameos of The Shop Gods and Goddesses with lore, much like Catholic Saint Pendants. Saving that for later, Pops. Look, already got 1 cashcow idea. Again... Where do I sign up?)

**Edit** Now that I feel more... Recalibrated, and I am back to the stages of earning forgiveness from homeowner, through validating with MY philosophy "Unintentional abuse, is still abuse" and doing what I remember to do when you Do go through the kind of flashbacks that makes you relive screaming survival mode... I see that whatever happened to me, may have happened to homeowner so many times, and they are just as confused and scared of this drug as I am.

1 bad thing happened to me when Russ Chott moved into this house, and it was exactly the thing that happened when I recieved a murder confession in my Seeking Arrangements inbox from his account (the one with The Owl.)

Not surprising because I've caught Russ Chott and Blaine Hill in connection to

1.) My classmates being dragged into type cast Fuck, Marry, Kill schemes they've filmed.

2.) One of my nephews going missing.

3.) I yelled at Russ Chott, when he had a rifle, as he was walking onto the New Mosque Grounds. I was under the underground bridge at Flatbranch Park, and THE ONLY REASON he fucked off (because I gasped when I noticed the children where caged in) wad because he could tell when Queen Victoria would astroproject into my person (which I had kind of noticed at times, and with my being very young... On top of how big of a yell it takes to get his attention, Anthony Kiedis may have not been totally upsetty spaghetti about being the one who caught me when I fell apart of what to do.) He spoke to the tiny Queen, who likes to ride along with Columbia's Punk Rock Girl, promoting music as it's own Religion, about the only say he could figure and have me a tid bit about "Under the Bridge" to (very successfully) bring me back to able to think... No... I will not share. I his the secret in The Queens lingerie drawer.

4.) Also... Beheadings that used to follow me. Sue Sault Marie, Traverse City, Columbia, Chicago, Elkhart/Goshen and back to Columbia.

Homeowner does not understand Ops in the way that when things like that come through, it becomes a security threat, and I lost access to ANY inbox a celebrity or Royal felt safe checking in, outside of their JOB. Their work is decidedly as evenly spead in horror, trying to protect The Victoria Namesake, and every time ya'll hurt me, the more she felt indifferent on nuclear fallout with me as collateral loss. I do not see this as cruel or cold. If you can't be kind to the kid who doesn't like any of you, and is trying REALLY hard to pick a trustworthy Court to accurately represent The Voice Of The Common Man, to find out yall put her in kind of the best and worst place to try... I mean, I'm just saying. I have a very small list if Celebrities I would allow to take me on a date, and one if them dealt with my 13 Year Merca Curse (of which I met the spider who did, told him to move along cuz I AM in fact bigger than you, and you are a learning baby... Then told my RA... No, it's an infected hair. I got it.) Yall are lucky My Favored prefer sweet baby angels with fucking battle scars dude. Plus, Anansi was my first diety, Pluto was my second, and Venus adires ne for jyst checking in then playing my current favorites for the class.

Homeowner deserves a homeland retirement, if he wishes it. He didn't even know the actual EVIL trying to kill all Religion. Men get overlooked when it comes to rape, abuse, manipulation and hilarious attempts to control them. Some Bitches learned, some bitches are learning.

I don't wish for me ever.

I wish to get away from the current discomfort, and find myself puppy puddled with our pack. I miss you all so deeply, and I remember so many things these days. I remember the ways we have all helped eachother stay level and alive, even when things were not as inspired as we hope.

I know I am a capable badass. Guys, I am so tired, and the homeowner keeps trying to drag me into the endless loop fights. I keep expressing with as much kindness as I can find in my person (keeping in mind I am working through My PTSD breakthroughs on my own)these cycles annoy and bore me, at worst.

Guys... He screamed at me.

I tried to safely opened up about new body sensations (which we used to regularly practice to help contextualize and better group cope with bettering my PMDD experience,) as I recognize I need to reduce my antidepressants, since I lost about 30lbs and my current dose kept me up for 2 days AND I have pretty much ceased adderal, outside of big projects. I shared I had a job interview (my second in 2 weeks) and I was doing what I can to get income again to help with bills, but he keeps yelling at me and trying to trigger my PTSD (I stand on this because 7 years of love and selfless support apparently counts for not aganst 6 months coming back from another near permanent death scenario, when I have gone through a fairly uncomfortable healing process with someone... Who may be depression safe, SUPER not PTSD or womens plight safe for me. I opened up to him, and more 'n more I notice him grasp incorrect data about me to villianize or shame me, while also using YouTube tutorials on manipulation/ dark psychology in a way that I catch it and kinda wanna laugh... Doesn't matter that I did 99% of the mental work with plans, bills, budgeting, socializing etc.)

He will not wear me down... I wish for a safe exit that doesn't lose me my everything, while also paying resoect to his giving me a space to stay alive for 5 years.

Not crying or trying too hard. Last time we moved, one of my punishments was packing the whole apartment alone (post attack) and I was up for 3 days, hurt myself further, got yelled at and accused of faking chronic pain I have dealt with my whole life that our community has veen working so hard to inspire me to keep rising above.

I give you permission to contact MY favorite job for any contact data you may not have. I prefer as many safe to me, unbiased eyes helping me sort and pack all of tge things that need to leave the house, so ge has space to heal from the shit hand of dealing with a woman going through the scarecrow detox.

I have seen how this attack method hurt you and yours, and how hard your personality types have to work to come back.

I wish to heal with my family. I know you have my address and number, while also being safely networked in The Gateway Community, who is the org I trust to help with bdoing this proper.

Guys, I'm 33 and looking much healthier than December. I don't care where I get placed, as long as I may safely cuddle and help with keeping my hurt level, while getting my life out of this house, before the bad variation of "trying to ware someone down" endless argue loops keep taking energy away from the process... Cuz do you want to argue and trigger me to cry until I am too tired to think, or do you care for me to respectfully leave the home alive?

I feel safe leaving this up because thete have been no further sensations, that trigger my ability to lock down, and be prepared to hide or fight my way out. I need you, definitely my Favorite Merca Mercy Butt Angel, our favored Testies Mic Check Crew (and The Fucking Viper, aka, Chops) Mac Sabbath and any other of my hero's who see me as, or care to meet a little lady of the lake to help her peacefully move on to start her own family... Open invite. Get in touch with the business page I retired A.G.Harvey from, of you don't actually have my details.

[vatoms33]

Context right TF now.

8:02am CST 11/May/2025

This is the FIRST time I lite remember knowing Elisabeth in passing as a kid, and recognizing she attempted to bond with me young. I believe, under the circumstances (especially since SO MANY Conflationites and Faire Folk KNOW my A.G. Harvey as the guy who helped with 'Mission: Get Skinny J a condom at Conflation, cuz everyone deserves a lil baby-making-free Sweet Baby Angel Cute Agro Realease Time) people should be politely informed, I have a hard time trusting women right off the rip. Also of my pedigree as one of the most logical, depressed vicious puppies in defense of my Mama, in all of Columbia Mo. Like... My mothers flesh has been bruised by toxic masculinuty so much, for so long... She didn't even realize she bred 2 very very calculated children, who would actually comit crime over her health. I am one of those who involuntarily calculates HOW to escape/kill someone who flashes bad inentions/energy at me so I am prepared, and I've worked really hard to get my brain to not fucking do that, because it makes me feel like a monster. 

My brother joined the military about it. Bubby's THE fucking shit when it comes to being capable of making scary shit happen to monsters, while defending his baby sisters favored on/off cigarette brand and then going out to finger lakes to fish with a blunt to "enjoy" his forced military retierment. (Guys... He was so pissed... Ya'll are lucky he stayed with me, and I know how to talk to the Belgian Malinois personality architype...)

I do NOT do drama AT ALL. Drama, and refusal to meet my Mama half way when she was being tortured for "bipolar" when an abusive Doctor was punishing her, and using her Fucked Up past to twist her words and experienes, which fed into the abuse at home/having trouble trusting so many faces she recognized from her time as Second in Command in The Kewadin Kitchen, when that's where she was being abused by drunk men in the first place. You missed out on getting to know, and maybe helping our really cool family.  

I accidentally helped ALOT of people in a 90 day period in which I refused to die, despite people trying real hard to exploit circumstances to take out a bunch of innocents in one go.

I noticed It was just super fucking weird Mom and Nana started doing better, when they got moved  onto a Military base, then my Sister and I started getting fucked with. This transition of abuse happening right after Elisabeth passed, and I was hellbound to not let that loss shatter and kill me. I noticed someone was scripting my downfall, based on my moms medical history, and because they were sloppy about THE good influence hellspawn who mind over matter cheats death often (to the point, I think they actually root for me.) They didn't know the only shit ever in my system are (what I've safely experimented with around family) and whatever they were using to cause hysteria/mania symptoms to abuse and control people. I was no one, just a little icon monster fighting the D.A.R.E. fight, and being very literal about my refusal to die until V wanted me married or gone.  I have a whole bunch of my hair saved to see if we can figure out how many times The Scarecrow drug was put in my system, since being painfully aware of most of my body chemical fluxes, and taking time to actually put words to them, is why V and I bonded over science in the first place. He made me promise to keep trying to see that I was cool enough to not kill myself, and I listen. He knew I had every reason to pick suicide as a logical exit at some point in my development, and planted 1 tiny seed against it when I was still mission focused on Loving my Mama.

I know stuff like this seems... Heavy, scary and my tone reads pretty lightweight. 

I've been watching old old videos of Bam and the crew, and I recognize they have all been drugged, and went through the exact same scary detox/PTSD breakthroughs I've been handling on my own for months, and I have not been through any of the shit they've been through. 

Breaks my heart to consider how many of my heros were silenced, because of how easy access the problem was at a time when they needed their biggest fans being their scary dogs. The film 9 being a shining example of a cry for help that I needed V to digest with me.

I know, as the sweetest person who experienced ego and empathy death after my heart was broken about Elisabeth, and I was attacked and funtionally died in front of my ex fiance... I told The Universe... Now it's time for You Reap What You Sew: Sharply Logical Eye4Eye is Mission Go.

And The Universe, Mother Nature (who ruffles my hair like a proud Mama often) Father Time, Sandmen, Achies and Reapers all voted that was, in fact, theme for The 5 Year Plan so this exhausted Pigeon could fucking rest, grieve and remember why it's terrifylingly beautiful that me and Mine ARE still alive. The little one that says "Music is my religion, because it's the safest and MOST comfortable way to invite alk dieties to my table" got voted to stay alive a bit longer, to enjoy the progress to come from exposing actual hell.

That is why The Boo fucked up. They were given  the opportunity to bow out, after I saved them from my fate, while I was still not okay. They chose to punish me, and started spinning out when they realized they'd been cheating on me, lying to me and abusing me to maintain financial control of me. Fun fact, I used to make $25 a week work when I attended Job Corps. You can not break me over paper, when you don't know how to love big, artfully forgive and move TF on.

[vatoms33]

To

To wither to weep

To die in a sleep

To bleed

To cry

To ask yourself why

To laugh and smile

To make life worthwhile

To skip

To run

To just have fun

To wonder

To ask

To let time pass

To hug

To kiss

To not resist

To stand

To sit

To see how life fits

A puzzle made for the few

And I wish to share it with you

[vatoms33]

The Loveseat

The love seat

A seat made for two

Made so that the simpistic affection

of lovers so sweet

can be shared

The love seat

made intentionally so

Space is not an option

Well look at that love seat

Most would wish they had someone to share it with

I simply throw my feet

across the other side

and take a nap

Damn

Do I love this seat

I originally wrote this at 18 to "explain how pointless love is."

Now it reminds me of telling him, when I miss him the most, I press against the couch back as firmly as I can, and imagine it's him where he used to hold me.

18 is when he left left.

I had my first massive panic attack in school, and instinctually left and ended up over on Switzler. They let me take a nap on our little couch section. I didn't even touch the computer. I just laid there a bit numb against the new sensation, which was deep deep deep missing the person who didn't require explaination. They knew how hard I worked, and gave me a cozy spot to be pet, while they worked and I slept.

When I say I was a lost mess after my safety dot left... Then Wentzville happened, and my art broke all of the way...

I learned to cope with educational interest in anything. I followed my bros to Job Corps. Tried life stuff... Kept attempting to understand dynamics at all. I wouldn't say any of it was a waste of time, or energy. Things objectively sucked, because I could always tell I was not priority in spaces I landed. I was indifferent, apathetic and fighting against the big sads.

Nothing compares to finding happy of my own accord, then getting back in touch with the me that loves to go outside and play. Being privileged enough to survive all of the worst shit I've wittnessed, and seeing his face with a flood of actually earth moving memories contextualizing my person to me again... and to feel so secure in the knowing it will be so easy and comfortable to mesh right back in and know we feel safe with one another, and we want to go find a tree to climb together.

I hope neither of us have to try and emulate *that safe feeling* ever again, since it took time and waiting for it to develope in the first place.

I look forward to not feeling like begging for kindness and affection from people who claim to love me is just as fruitless as being "strong, independent and low maintenance", even after I bluntly point out the ways in which I could prove their declarations false, as they more love what I do to benefit them.

[vatoms33]

A Running List of things that are Precious Me Oddeties

For context. I mostly grew up in the heart of East Campus, of Mizzou in Columbia Missouri. Where most kids my age were mall rats, who didn't invite me to things... I was an Art District Squirrel. I knew most of the best places Downtown, and my community work garnered me a few fans in the area that would have let me get away with anything, and loved that I was respectful in the way that didnt require the extra effort on my behalf.

So, alot if these will be townie specific gems, but they are worth writing down in my opinion. Gotta make sure my futute spawnlings understand I earned my reputation, and I didn't do a bunch of wild things to do so. While also respecting TF out of people who do, for the sake of progress.

Bitching about people being rude to the resident piano downtown, that I only got past my anxiety once, to sit and play with.

Not long after, bitching about the lawyer who was rude AT the resident piano. Taking snarky glee in pointing out people of genius IQ tend to prefer piano music for focus, so he might want to pick a different career, if it was a piano being played in The Art District that he was willingly choosing to pay more money to practice in, was a distraction.

Scolding Richard King online about how his festivals getting too popular was BS, from the stand point of understanding business is business, it was just making it harder to enjoy his on the fly feeling events. Also, doing so with enough thoughtful understanding, that he didn't even need to defend himself or explain the natural progression of the business side of music festivals one of his favorite Lee School Dragonflies. Much Respect, Mr. King. Obviously, as I was also secretly the best taxi dispatcher you didn't know was on your team for about 5 years. I made sure you Party Hosts (verbiage from my Spencer's work) got their rides quickly, no matter the football game status, and no matter which company I was dispatching for. Their safety was first priority over the temporary influx of sportsball visitors, in my eyes.

Saying "Thank you?" to the rando who called me (at the sweet age of 15) a "Fucking Devil Worshipper" as he walked into the vegan snack joint, and I was minding my business looking at used books a few store fronts away.

Crying about the isolating concept of Mars Rover dying, but still being able to sing itself Happy Birthday.

Going to Peace Park to advise Jason Maraz NOT set up for his show, because the air smelled like minos, and that meant a nasty storm was on the way. I did this because it was going to be my youngest sister's first concert. Fortunately, a TA for my summer school math class slipped my a copy of The Goo Goo Dolls playing Dizzy Up the Girl in Buffalo, during a really bad storm. I remember being motified and concerned the entire time I watched, because I know how electricity works, and they were clearly favored by ALL dieties that day. I didn't want Maraz to get hurt, so Shortie and I handled town crier duties that day, even though it meant not seeing him play.

Flipping off and cursing a cop out, then going to tell on him to the owner of Living Canvas. I asked if I could sit for a munute, because I was pretty sure that cop tried to hit me, since I heard him accelerate when the light was red AND he did not have his siren or lights going. I was between 14-18 when this happened, so clearly someone assuming I'm a problem child when I was actually one of the peer educators trying to make his damn job easier. Asshole.

While working at the local costume shop (Gotcha) my boss cruised by in his Johnny Depp Baby Blue Convertible, with a gorilla costume in the back seat, about a half hour before a Sing-O-Gram for a gackle of nurses throwing a retirement party around the corner. Next thing I know, my work crush has silvertounged me into a chicken costume to go do The Chicken Dance at Room 38, when I am not old enough to be doing such shenanigans. While my "adult" walked me to the bar, someone at Boone Tavern baqued at me "Hey! Why'd the Chicken cross the road?" and me in all of my annoyed teen angsty glory (because the absolute unprofessionalism at the sweetest lady who booked us was just really grinding in insides) I yelled "bcause her idiot boss forgot he had a gig!" and I clomp flopped my stupid little chicken feet right into the bar, and turned my party on for these ladies. I sang the song, did the dance while doing my little turn on the catwalk. They were so happy, and I had a blast taking pictures with them, and letting them flirt with the chicken a little. I believe I was 16 at this point, and this is forever one of my favorite memories. To be 1000% clear, I fucking ADORE my ex emoloyer and his family, and I'm glad he forgot.

Adopting Monsuier Elfman around 10-13 years old when he found me sobbing. He attempted to speak at me, to which I had him follow me halfway around the block, and kindly sat him between my parents in the computer room. I sat in front on him, pointed at the TV and asked Daddy Glenn to put Oingo Boingo back on the TV. He attempted to NOT embarass this gentleman, but my Onward stare suggested better of the room. I watched, saw what I needed to see (this IS in fact my audiophile hero.) So I dead pan told my parents he found me crying on the otherside of the block (while having just parted from a dear, sweet Elisabeth) and I wanted to make sure you both met him, before we went on a walk, and not talk about it. To which we did just that. There was a time where those two also adopted me in their hearts as a bit of their Cosmic kid, and just let me play. I also clocked him in the secret garden block of D.T. como, when I was staying with the semisweet chocolate chip of a nurse, Diana, and he had a cherry red stoop and beautiful foliage display acriss the street. I have taken time to track him in my memories to the sound of a random rooster bewildering and delighting me when I had my iwn Big Girl spot in The District. I ADORE Monsuier Elfman for being the perfect gentleman to the wee one he dubbed King Midas's Daughter (not caring about the dynamic titles, or messy things out of their realm of simplistic understanding. He treated me like a tiny lady, and didn't try to shame My Mom when she doing her best against her own demons.)

Cried like a lil' baby at the last Stan Lee Cameo I saw. It moved me to my absolute core that his send off from Marvel was a nod to MY hero, MY first quiet intellectual crush, the first guy on my *Celebrity Hall Pass* List, of which he and Liv Tyler were the ONLY 2 on for most of my life(to which Weird Al was added much later, right before I figured out I actually have a sex drivel....Yea, I sobbed when I realized Stan Lee, placed in the correct time period and place, reviewing and LOVING Mallrats was the most epic ode to Peace on Earth and a pointed " You're My Boy Blue" for MY Kevin Smith a bunch of my favorite fucking nerds could have come up with. It hit me equally as hard as our honoring of Carrie Fisher in her final Star Wars appearance, where thry honored her entire personal, and professional plight.

[vatoms33]

Untitled- Published 4/May/2009

I often lie awake at night

and I think so much about this life

Reflecting on the roads I choose

Afraid the show might end if I move too slow

Afraid of what I might lose

I'm afraid you might move on from my childish dreams

Am I deluding myself with the magic I think I see?

All I know is I want you by my side

For, when I am with you, I feel I dont need to hide

Yet, being with you is also the proven, best way for me to hide

I dont know how to make my doubt go away

It just comes with the package of being so far away

The trust that faulters is always the trust in myself

And no matter the effort I put into trying to understand the value of the love, nothing seems to help

I wish, I pry and cry like a child, just wanting to understand

Hoping, after a life of everyone screaming profanity at me, the peace you build, may also be my last grand stand

I wish to savor the taste if our first kiss

I wish to feel our fears wash away

As we fade into Eden's lush bliss

To know I found the place where we desired to stay

"If you cant be with the one you love, Love the one your with"

*sigh* I hate loving the person I love... but reality is I loves them very much and no matter how many people enter my life... they just cant add up to the person I care to be with.--- 17 year old Tori, who did not talk to people, and was scared of her own shadow due to years of physical, emotional and mental abuse on top of bullying on top of the group of "Not My Damn Kids" I basically nannied for, sewing additional unnecessary fear and doubt in my person about my worthiness for safety and love. Guess it worked out that he got to caboose some of the adventures I demanded of my lil group of musically and technology inclined heathens paticipate in, so we could do what I enjoyed. Go outside and play.

Written about Ville, with slight edits. I don't actually remember writing as much poetry about him as I did... For knowing him as Guy, and not actually speaking to one another much. All of the emotional energy was very quiet between us, because so many people had opinions about whether or not I was allowed to date him. *gag* genuinely annoying to recall, given the fact that I already had a fucking attitude problem about having a feeling about him at all, since love and abuse were synonymous in my world at that time, and he was so understanding of that... Even if I was a lil' witch about it. By witch, I 100% mean rescue shelter Bitch.

I'm only recognizing my struggles with feeling safe to love him, through reading poetry I wrote during that period. I burned most of my journals at one point, after cherry picking my favorites, because I no longer resonated with those variations of Shadows in me. So it is freeing and validating to take in my words, and remember I was ghost writing about my confusion the whole time, behind his back. He had access to my profiles (all of them, because I trusted him) I just don't know he knew some of my best prose and experimental poetry to date, was me trying to understand how be better than I observed, in having love for him.

[vatoms33]

A nod to Venus. NSFW

Flow between innocent memories, and wishes for my Romantic and Professional future.

This version of the music video reminds me of the little Halloween photobooth I put together in the bookstore, in one of the wall fixture's. Pretty sure V convinced me to let him get a few pictures of me in it, before it came down.

Also. That is my favorite shot if him in the video. I am a little bummed it was a pain to get a shot, and still lost the fine details of the snow on his face.

That's okay. He knows what he did with that visual nod to the fan made video for Sail by AWOL Nation... We watched that video multiple times, while I went on about how cool it was that the fan video was the first result to come up on youtube for the longest time, and I believe still has a higher view count than the official video, I tizzed about how visually stunning the video is, ad longitudinem.

In case anyone was wondering how I manage to capture this ones attention, it's because I don't try. I am full of weird opinions, earned through living life always open to learning, and developing weird brain concepts that, in turn, inspire this man to make damn sure I'd need to pull out The Satisfier after watching his new videos (and giving myself the appropriate window to appreciate the depth of the art... Get logically miffed for .0005 seconds about how much water is on his face while holding an umbrella... Then getting lost in all of the beautiful details of his face and lips... and not wanting a cold shower to fix it. I didn't even prefer a toy, but he was unfortunately not in the room when that deep, internal fire demanded sating.

Note to self. Catch this man in the rain, and show him the fun things my tounge will also do to him in the shower.

It's unfair how dizzy/bopped on the nose I feel when consider all of the pleasure I wish to enact on one body. Sexual, sensual, emotional and just lazy cuddles while enjoying hard earned peace, comfort and trust in eachothers intentions.

It's magical to know I found the soul that experiences the same intense feelings of pleasure, while giving pleasure, that I do. It's even better that it's the man I've enjoyed discussing headspace with on an objective level, so he knows that I actually do fantasize Him visualuzing all of His anger and greif traveling to His cock, so He may fill me with it's heat, and that I mean it when I give him my undivided focus so he may lose himself in the pleasure of satisfying that fantasy of mine. The kind of Top Space that isn't so at risk of being muddled with unhelpful feelings I don't want tangled up in what happens to my flesh. I care for him to feel safe in Top Space. I care for his aftercare regiment to never be poisoned with guilt, for giving me exactly what I ask for.

I am sure my flavor submissiveness is a surpising quality in adulthood, given all of the places you've watched me exist...and how often I don't recognize I have Dom energy.

I am reminded of that consideration of strong women who crave to have a place where they are safe to be soft.

Sure, I switch.

I also openly admit I desperately need a safe space to be weak and vulnerable while you work out your frustrations in my body. Apparently everyone (including me) forgot that you can be kind of scary, you have been through some fucked up shit, and I am your lil baby boo. Granted, that was school, and this is default. This just means our program should be plug and play... We've been strong and resilient against things we would never do to one another, for long enough. When I imagine sensing your pain now, I don't feel pity. I feel romantic rage that inspires me to care to annoy you a bit, so you may ruffle me up about it.

This time, we even have a whole blog (as well as handwritten memories and a memoir note on my phone that hit its character limit, so I had to start another note, of memories to go through together. That way the world will be happy with whatever we choose to share of us, and not try and stop it for no reason, this time.

I am practicing healthy spite this year. Spitefully remembering the dirt, so we may safely thrive in the future is very mission go.

I remember being VERY interested in learning to be a Dungeon Master, and I fancy to believe that's why you were "professionally" vetting me in the first place. I am sure you've come to learn of my keen ability to switch headspace very quickly (Top to Bottom, Bottom to Top. Not sober to being the responsible one, because I can turn my trips off should the need arise. I do this fun thing where I am the Bottom, and I top a secondary Bottom like a loyal lil pleasure demon, on command... I wish I'd a better top in my life when I started playing with that headspace game... All sorts of flo potential, with the boon of my Safe Play OS already being pretty strong in intuitive coding.)

You know I am well versed in accessories.

I just need real training now... After at least 1 more Fall being your "run away and nap" Squire. This time, I'm fuckable, and bull headed against implications that EDS and spinal issues makes me useless.

This time, I can learn to wield a sword, while happily and dutifully tending to yours.

[vatoms33]

Don't get attached to my telling. It's brain tiring to try and recall memories involving 2, by yourself. That said, a soft telling of the story of the rockstar boyfriend I didn't know I had. Again, I will stand by Ville Valo, until he grows weary of me. If our story does not make it very obviously endearing as to why, then you can't sit with us.- notes from author.

Mid afternoon, she found herself desiring a nap. After tending to the shrubbery, and ensuring all thorns on the "scary" property of the block, were proper and in place, she sprawled out in front lawn. Feeling safely hidden in the tall blades of grass, she put on her headphones and hit play on her walkman.

From her pants pocket, she pulled out her current favorite peice of soft fabric to place over her face, to keep the summer selection of bugs away. With eyes closed, she let the warm weight of slumber take her, while listening to the newly fathered cardinal sing of his summer joy, and the classical renditions of long dead composers, on an album he helped pick for her 10th bithday.

The boy from across the street had all but faded from her memory, after leaving for The Military. She did not find herself uncomfortable when the sensation his essence would find her, she in fact welcomed the warm swirl that invaded her senses, anytime she relaxed and thought of him. He'd mostly kept to himself, which made him the perfect romantic candidate for the macabre girl caretaking for a historic home, and 3 generations of family healing from their own wars. Plus, the gentleman was at least 5 years older, she guessed. Being 15, and allergic to people, he again pulled rank on being the perfect husband.

Husband, because she was bestowed the honour of serving as his Squire at the local nerd faire, some years prior. At the end of her service, he asked to marry her, because she was sweet, aloof and a superb nap partner. She gave him all of the reasons to find hiding spots, and rest, since people assumed her spinal deformations made her unfit for much of anything. Plus, she saw how hard he trained. He deserved a silly little summer, in her eyes.

It hurt when he left to join the military, and right as the two finally shared a moment that stood uniquley warm and sweet, in contrast to what she observed to expect from any kind of extra human interaction.

The girl attempted to open up to her younger sister about her continued struggles with finding peace among stress in the family, along with constant replays of being sexually assaulted before the age of 5. Her sister was less than receptive, and after self-soothing the sting of disbelief, she wandered outside to find the boy hiding by the hedges, in the neighbors yard.

He didn't need words. He was visibly displeased, and restraining big emotions on her behalf (a practice she regularly observed of him, in her favor.) She'd seen his veil massive enough to consume half of his front porch at times, and she was always fairly keen to pick up on the pain of others, often to her detriment. Not with him, though. Looking in the eyes of his demons felt like seeing and feeling suffering pause for them both.

There was a reason she picked him as her Berserker at the meek age of 8. People don't mess with ones who can fuck you mentally, to then make you submit physically. Qualities that brought a demented sparkle to the worlds in her eyes, whenever she dubbed him as such to her Lady of the Lake (because of the little moon mark that appeared on her forehead when she was thinking.) Also qualities she was much too young to be picking up on, without words or clear indications.

"How much of that did you hear?" She asked quietly.

"Enough to care to be the face of all of your better endings" he gently asserted, catching her eyes, knowing she fucking disliked that shit.

In his rage, he tenderly layed her in the grass and touched her, to ease the hurt by relieving pent up, mutual desire in her. Quiet as a whisper. Unbenounst to him, he didn't just take pain away... He just made it clear to Spirit that the bond and understanding they had built was more rooted in mutual experience than they had time to unpack together, before he had to leave. She blushed and panicked, believing she made a mess of herself. He gently explained "that was an orgasm" and she just giggled, wept a bit, and hid her face in the crook of his neck, softly breathing him in. She didn't understand why she felt so... Treasured with him, nor why the feeling was easy to accept at face value, in ligt of screams of her stupidity and unworthiness being the daily reality.

While this was more sensual activity she ever expected to experience, let alone with her beautiful Knight from across the way specifically selected for safe oogling at a distance, this man felt so safe that the show of affection did it's magik on her soul, quietly binding them at behest of the powers of Love, and all of her Dieties, Muses and Devotees.

The girl did her best to maintain the safe dynamic as it stood moments before, as not behave in a way that might cause confusion, or inspire him to change his mind about departure. This is where her "on tour blues" started. Performing Bye Bye Birdie, was salt on a wound she'd never felt before (keeping in mind, to her, he was a Faire Knight, going into Military service. She knew he was in a band... Had no idea it was H.I.M.)

[vatoms33]

He inspires the kind of love,

That begs poetic, solem understanding of Queens.

Ones whose love, loyalty, devotion and respect, made it easy to choose tradition in greif, to lay on the pyre, when she and the people lost their King.

He inspire's belief that another round of life without him, would sincerely hurt more than following Him to Paradise.

He is paitent and wise.

Waiting for his favored, shy, rockette to learn...

"What does it mean for love to hurt, Little One?"

Her youth taught her pain was often unearthed in compromising parts of yourself away, for peace... In 15 years away from his influence, she learned the pain in the love he felt for her was a kind of bond she was too young to comprehend when it developed.

These days, Venus crawls through every nerve in her body, helping her feel the beautiful, small moments in their history, so she may empathize the intense love bond He felt the confusing weight of, minus the pain of the world she experienced, outside of His affection.

Ville Valo. I grew up again. Once, you left a tiny adult, aged 13 and busy mothering a family, and came back to a young woman, budding into her 16th year. While on track for the facinating career of being a sexual health educator (and health advocate in general. Proud of you for finding a vice flow that kept your art alive, without compromising your wellbeing further, in the process.)

This time, you found me at 28. Freshly proposed to your pickle wench, and being that Undercover Goth Bitch running the college bookstore, striving to keeping everyone on campus sane. While designing some excellent swag, and really doing my best to build bridges on campus and make back some money on a store too quickly becoming obsolete, because books were moving to "educational streaming services."

Now I am 33, and after being Knighted by The Talent (the new store manager, to my steadfast Assistant position) at Mall Adult Novelty shop with Korn' Follow the Leader t-shirt (you know, the one with 33 hashmarks,) I decided 21 years was quite enough on educating the bible belt on how to accessorize with sexual wellness devices, and gently giving PG tutorials in how the fuck to masturbate (because people don't teach that, and being objectivly clinical about it is a necessary art, to promote well rounded wellness, on all levels.) You did make the off hand joke my career would be old enough to drink, before I put it down. (Jokes on you, I'm not putting it down. I'm just waiting to see if you plan to utilize having my entire portfolio, preferred engagement ring and all of MY Dad's CD collection. Last I checked, we have science to do, tutorials to make, pictures to take and books to write, while we continue Our Work, but in the same fucking room for once.)

You've known me since I was old enough to have radical, individual thought. I decided you were my Mordred, because sometimes when you smile, you get the Primal Berserker look about you. As a traumatized wee one, of course I would pick a scary dog right away.

Might I say. You did a great job with me.

You had me plucking petals, musing "he loves me, he likes me" after knocking me on my butt and saying "I do not, and will not like you."

You're my favorite teacher, because instead of taking the traditional method of hardening your squire by putting them through hell, you instead, recognized my hell and pulled a reverse uno in my care instruction. You built a trust with me that defied my inability to recognize your face across time... and inspired my soul to never deny you when we ran into one another and you'd ask me of anything... Like picking cologne at Walgreens so you could ditch the social thing at the bar. Or allowing you to take me on a weeklong adventure in Chicago, and choosing to not impress the full weight of your feelings on me, so I would finish school. (Weird that the girl who openly responds to "let me holla atchu" with "No. I have a sword. Have a good day, I'm going to work." Let's you just. Also, don't worry, its just the small dull one. It'd hurt, but they fuck right off when the notice the sheath.)

After J.C. I found you at my local hookah lounge. You saw my sting of saddess watching a couple dance in a way, that set fire to the longing parts of my heart. You convinced me to wait for you, so we could share a sweet little dance when you were off shift... I've often tried to place in my sensory nemories where and when I felt what it was like to be properly framed and lead in a dance (as I did learn to waltz in Elementary, so I had distant memory of that being a thing) and I believe that was one of the instances. If memory serves, I was a little surpised at first, then leaned into you. It felt strange and new in a way that I felt compelled to thank you, and comment of the specific feeling I was thanking you for.

Tracing back to how long we've quietly loved one another, I wish we had shared the feeling of that dance at Homecoming that year I showed up in Tripp pants and a tank top, while the other girls looked like southern bell tea time problems, to be.

You bled your heart to me once, around 2007-2009 era. At that point, everything felt like anxiety. So, I didn't comprehend the significance of how much it meant that you felt safe to that degree with me. I also didn't have the emotional framework to recognize the very deep rooted bond we already shared. I remember being very stressed at a party (because I'm pretty much always sober, and my classmates were... Being themselves.) You sat with me for a bit, I think you fed me a drink or 2, and it quieted my big emotions about watching dramatic reruns of the silly behavioral shit in the humans I was supposed to relate to, and just never did.

I fell asleep on the couch with you, and some point I woke up alone and went to get a drink of water. I then decidedly, and adorably made myself your problem when I found you in your room, because you gave me alcohol in the first place. I sauntered in, pointed out you were not using some of your clothes, or your bed. So I stripped, and made use of both. When you did finally get around to sleep, I remember you pulling me into you very close... and you started to ask for consent, and in consistent fashion, I cut you off and plead that you just touch me. Please make love to me. Twice, you've caught me when I was sleeping, and both times my Soul spoke up where my heart and body didn't know how. While my immature mind was very walled against crushes, the adult I was becoming seemed to manifest in times She recognized your Spirit in need genuine connection. The idea of that very possibly being accurate, makes me feel magical and spiritually duty bound with you, in a way that genuinley excites me. Even at baseline understanding, I don't feel used. I feel proud that I accumulated to a body and heart your Spirit needed to feel peace with, and could trust to be sweet with you, and treat you kinder than I ever observed you being treated.

If my particular brand of traumatized autistic female ever came across as rejection, or caused you any hurt, I wish to make new memories with you to replace those ones... As you've done with me in the face of just some of the super fucked up shit we experienced together.

You have my respect. You have me, fallen and unafraid.

Thank you for being sweet to my Nana, while I was away.

Thank you for working to remember me when you came back that time and simply could not, through no fault if your own. Thanks for still giving me the time, when I told you to your face, I actually emotionally prepared for that... and didn't change demeanor when I still cried that I did lose you to one of the scary things. I was a kid, and I've never been good at hiding my face from you.

Thank you for picking me up, no shame, after I did piss myself in response to people I thought were friends, pulling a gun on me because the girl was jugalette flavored insecure. I walked out that way for an interview or something, and you did not make it weird to take me to your home and help me get cleaned up. (This one was scary, infuriating, sad then softly sweet to come back to me.)

Thank you for fighting to stay on my care team when I was attacked 5 years ago. ( People really have all sorts of strange reasons to dislike me.)

Thank you for looking at me with warm kindness when you got back to the states, and visited me at work. I didn't feel any saddness from you, even though didn't remember you yet, as my hell never actually stopped while you were away.

Thank you for being lighthearted when you out loud mentioned you might have to do something about me singing your music at you (When Loveletting made it on the work music player, to which I recignized your voice the first time I heard it, and all cried about how excited I was to hear you. I digress.)

You were so polite when I corrected you as to whose song it actually was (I am real time, full body blushing while replaying this in my head...) and then went on with my habit of squeeing my excitement at new music, and artists I hold near and dear to my heart. To you. VV. Ville fucking Valo... The person attached to the hands I erotically fixated on 5 years ago, as you worked out some of the early concepts of the album... and now remembering watching the art flow heart to brain, brain to arm, arm to very very beautiful hand and finding paper was so heating to my Netherlands. You told me not to peek... I don't know you will ever be able to truly grok how much reading was not an option with my brain as it was, drowning in the dark lusty pleasure I wanted to gift you, while watching you write.

That said. I know your softness with me comes from understanding weak men take their small dick energy out on women of your preferred caliber. So while that stands as my new most embarassing moment to relive, to date... (The explaining my excitement of you, to you, while denying your song was yours) it also just endears you to me further, because now I remember that you stepped up and fought a good fight to try and claim and protect what is yours, and has been yours for longer than you knew you could just ask for me.

We told those assholes... They don't know me... I always remember, eventually.

Thank you for going home, and taking the time for you... To find you. To make sure your art is still in full swing, for the sensitive lil' fae who experinces genuine pain and greif when her favored loose their art.

As for post attack, I remember your fingers laced with mine, while I was in the psych ward, and you so gently asked if I remembered you. I recall crying in frustration, because I could tell I was in love with you... but the bad things happened, and I lost all of the data if us slowly reestablishing how far back we knew one another.

I also remember the pride on your face, as I explained to the abusive doctor, the time I had an autistic meltdown down so intense, that I plotted the death of my rapist in 2010 to burn off the internal fire. Only to find out a decade later he died of natural causes that very year. States away from me, in fact. Yea, the shift in his energy and look in his face were worth saying the crazy thing, you're specifically advised not to say. I'm sorry people you thought you could trust cut you out from my healing journey, then continued to abuse me in your absence. Sorry in the empathic stance, not absorbing blame. We both know I will defend both parties where it's proper, and let you handle the rest.

A lot has come back, since I detoxed from actual psychological torture. Things are still fractured, but I am getting it. Surprising to me, I find it fairly easy to quell my outrage at more time lost, by simply remembering what I felt the last time I saw you in my store. I find it easy to maintain faith that this book is getting closed, so I may finally open our story again. Especially since you somehow shared data through the eather about the little blue bean. Experiencing that, and figuring out what I experienced was sooo... Strangley sweet and cathartic, and learning it was possible at all just inspires me to care to make another!

I just want to make sure these decalrations are in a place, so when you put my claddagh back on my finger, the world understands we have been to hell and back so many times, and have missed eachother often enough, that the cosmos is stepping in on your behalf. I learned how to feel my feelings, and now I grok the sensation you've been grappling with in context to my presence, words and existing for a lifetime.

That heated tickle in your tummy that feels like you just had an orgasm, and there's more pleasure to be wrought. The sensation of velvet eyes, and perceptible glowing warmth radiating between us. The zap I get imagining feeling your influece and presence in my days again, coming out as a small involuntary yippy moan thing, because our bond is so intense, and my Soul misses you.

Also. Pretty sure your gf slapped the fuck out of me once or twice. Not going to lie, it was hot. She didn't know I'm a bit of an actual masochist... Just so everyone knows there's no actual drama between us. She reacted to percieved disrespect, and was met with my own restraint because that is my husband, he does not remember me, and you get all of the sweet while I continue to do "the work." Not complaining, it just hurt that one of the lads I wrote a comic for, promising to help them ground when they came back post services durning 9/11, didn't remember the good in me nor defend me when I went off script one fucking time, when I acknowledged he was alive and I just wanted to appreciate it for a second.

No shade, love. I just gave him my most important feeling, and his presence woke up the adult in me who needed him, and I still didn't feel I was matured enough to know how to express that truth, while being strong and smart enough to build the retirement with him that he earned and deserved. I understand when to concede, even when the fully body fire tries to calculate exacting equal pain on someone. It's easier to just sigh and acknowledge, you don't understand enternal love, or Valor. So I do what he wishes, and harm is not in the list.

Anywho. I will never tire of proclaiming my love for you, now that I remember I'm allowed to be a little waxing poetic after everything that has happened in the lifetimes we've shared. I hope you're open to dealing with all of the energy I found breaking up with my job, partners and unhelpful social behaviors. I want to play with ropes and stuff... Like we were talking about in the first place. I want to spoil you with tenderness, while putting a flog in your hand. Back down to a size 14, and my business professional goth attire has stepped up since the bookstore. Plus, I ended up landing in the house you told me you lost, over email, back in Chicago.

There's a lot more... Needs blossoming in my brain. I'll keep it free friendly for now, so we can sort out the 5D memories we can profit on, while dreaming if Beat Me StL, or better variations of kink events my brain would Thrive in with you.

Still working on loading the youtube list with lots of eveything. There will be Aqua, but I will be polite and skip Barbie Girl for your sanity.

Just know. I may claim to be mean and scary. I am still that girl in the baby blue daisy off shoulder dress that scoffed at being a princess, and ran to you to be your squire before Bubby had a chance to recognize I put him in charge of my pickle. I am sweet, innocent by nature, crass by developed skill in a taxi office and I kill with kindness. My manipulation tactic disarms, and builds the esteem of the monsters in the world. If those techniques don't work, I am still on mission to reduce world wide homocidal tendancies through the destigmatization of having great sex with people you love, often.

You know. Come to think of it, I can understand how I became a girl who gave you even just 1 tiny ember of fight, in the dark. Having a little angel, dressed in thifty punk goth attire, singing songs like this in the wee hours of the evening, from the porch across the street sounds like a plot element in a fantastical fantasy. Even more surreal that she envisioned singing this with you on a porch, looking as aesthetically well matched as we kind of always have, retiring from the crap we've been through as her end game. Again, not fully knowing who you were, but fully accepting of you as you were, always.

[vatoms33]

Adopt a Valentine

My last long term partnership was my first experience learning and practicing alternative relationship dynamics, attachment styles and healthier coregulation rituals as a unit.

I'm a bit eccentrically macabre in nature, and with that, I find myself (often) richly romantic/thoughtful in my care guestures. <Rich in intention, or feel.) When I condsider how to express where my person is regarding best ways to proceed with "cultural expectation" vs. "a more meaningful behavior" in effort to raise the hives interaction with how to change interaction a "tradition" to more an individualized ritual, as a unit.

6 years ago, I found myself studying different dynamics, to understand *how* others interact with clear communication in their respective relationships (of varying "types" <ex: friends, acquaintances, nesting/dating/married, professional interest, mentor dynamics etc >)

One of the neat ideas I had, was to Adopt a Valentine. (I find I err more towards crafting a gift, where as others can afford different enegry outputs towards different solution sets.) Meeting my partner at "nah, I'd rather spoil our friend, over doing diverging more streamline.

I have a stoic program as my OS, so my personal ideals for how to share warmth in a romantic partnership are a bit deeper rooted. I am a very slow burn towards the notion of piqued interest, intention, desire and dedicated focus to share pieces of my travels. When I first started exploring Poly (and other multi tree/solo dynamic ideas) the FIRST thing I did was tear down all the brain wallpaper, with useless notes regarding ALL current relationship/cohabitation practices, as I understood them to that point.

I have found positive invested energy into trying a new thing, to see if it makes a difference.

We would pick a friend that (in my opinion) did not get sweet treatments from whomever they were seeing at that point. So I told my partner we should give the BAMF a thoughtful gift, rather than do a coupleS exchange. We also took them on an adventure, and to dinner. I suppose, from the outside, it could be viewed at polar opposite of being a third wheel on Valentines Day

It's odd to go from not caring- caring because others- back to the place of not caring. I've always asserted that everyday is a good opportunity to celebrate the ways in which a loved one exists.

In practice. I find myself solo often enough that I likely will land on this entry having been not worth the output. Mostly just rambling while I wait for my laptop to boot up.

[vatoms33]

Not too bad to start, my dude. Keep it up.

[vatoms33]

Today, Ozzy became a visual artist. I'm such a happy dog mom.