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[villainous-osha-official]

As the holidays approach, we here at C.R.I.M.E would like to remind you that while not technically required in either C.R.I.M.E guidelines or the Goonion Charter, holiday parties are highly encouraged to boost morale. Some recommendations for holiday parties include: Make sure that a diverse selection of treats are available and account for any known dietary requirements—Mad Chemists Anonymous has recently published a helpful holiday cookbook. Provide optional entertainment as well as, if necessary, childcare. Take this as an opportunity to learn about other cultures. Use the opportunity of the annual company bake sale to finally exact your revenge upon that hussy, Becky—her lemon bars last year weren't even that good.

For heists, hold-ups, and various acts of villany in colder climates, some additional precautions should be taken to ensure the safety of you and your henchpeople. For guidelines on this, please consult Section V-35, paragraphs 19 through 38.

Condolences are extended to the families of the victims of this year's Defrosting Incident. Generally, there are few to no casualties when [REDACTED] is released from [REDACTED] [REDACTED][REDACTED] to wreak havoc on the Heroes, burn The [REDACTED] into the minds of millions, and distract Heroes from our collective schemes. However, due to some unforeseen events involving some Heroes this year's release was particularly violent. Please refer to section V-21 if this occurred to one or more of your henchpeople. Condolences are once again offered to the families of the affected, and all proceeds of the C.R.I.M.E Annual Holiday Bake Sale not already allotted to various Goonion-run charities and shelters, will go to the Fridged Henchpeople's Memorial Fund.

IMPORTANT:

Per C.R.I.M.E guidelines, as well as the Goonion Charter, henchpeople are to be granted holiday leave upon request.

We may be criminals, but that does not mean we cannot do crime safely.

Crimen Bene Factum—Do Crime Well.

[villainous-osha-official]

Yes, hi, I’m a supervillain whose entire schtick is that I’m a duck who is THOROUGHLY inconveniencing. Where do I apply to get an incredibly imposing henchperson who people mistake for the actual crime lord?

Inquiries regarding the obtainment of henchpeople can be directed to either the Goonion, Minions-For-Hire, Villainous Foils Ltd, or any number of other private-sector henchperson agencies. You should receive an answer in 7 to 13 business weeks—or whenever they finish rebuilding an office after a hero got punted out for trying to interfere with normal operations.

Do make certain that you thoroughly have read and understand the Goonion Charter, as violations of said charter can have both hefty fines and severe shortening of lifespans.

C.R.I.M.E cannot be held responsible for consequences of misuse of this information.

Just because we are criminals, it doesn't mean we can't do crime safely.

Crimen Bene Factum—Do Crime Well.

[villainous-osha-official]

Per Section V-5, paragraph 20, line 2 of C.R.I.M.E guidelines, while not expressly prohibited, villainous employers and villianous employees are encouraged to be cautious before entering any sort of relationships with Heroes or Hero-adjacent entities.

Some possible risks include: be taken in by a Hero and turned in to the authorities, injuries sustained by going to easy on a Hero, being Redeemed in societies' eyes, and death.

Now should one become a villain, and a spouse or significant other becomes a Hero after, the section of the Goonion charter pertaining to unexpected conflicts of interest, section G-49, is to be consulted.

Again, while somewhat amicable relations—carnal, platonic, or otherwise—with Heroes or the Hero-adjacent is not strictly prohibited, it is not encouraged.

Further questions and inquiries may be directed towards C.R.I.M.E's IL-Legal Department or the Goonion.

After all, just because we commit crimes, doesn't mean we can't do it safely.

Crimen Bene Factum—Do Crime Well.

Short Prompt #884

CW: suggestive themes mention.

"So, what? Am I not allowed to enjoy myself anymore?!" The hero questioned angrily, staring up at their superior.

The superhero grabbed the other's shoulders. "No, you just need to stop fucking Supervillain!"

Hero wriggled out of their grip. "Why?! I sure as hell don't see you complaining about the lower crime rate this past month!"

[villainous-osha-official]

The Criminal Regulatory Institute of the Machinations of Evil, hereafter referred to as C.R.I.M.E, exists for the very purpose of prevention of this sort of travesty, as does the Goonion.

Per Section V-2 of C.R.I.M.E guidelines, henchpeople are to be treated with dignity and respect, and treated like human beings.

Per the Goonion charter, adequate health insurance and healthcare are to be mandatory. Therapy is to be provided at no cost the employees, and they are to receive a living wage.

Please report further any violations to C.R.I.M.E or the Goonion.

Just because we are criminals, it doesn't mean we can't do crime safely.

Crimen Bene Factum—Do Crime Well.

Prompt #2890

“I’m stealing your henchmen.”

“What?!”

“You don’t treat them properly. Where’s their living wage? Where’s their healthcare? Where’s their therapy? You don’t treat them right. So they’re my henchmen now.”

[villainous-osha-official]

Per Section V-21, paragraph 3 of C.R.I.M.E guidelines, villianous employers are to provide life insurance for all employees and their families.

The Goonion charter authorizes and encourages revenge for deceased employees, especially when in retribution for a Hero's actions.

C.R.I.M.E offers condolences to the families and friends of deceased villianous employees, as does the Goonion.

The Fridged Henchpeoples' Memorial Fund is there to help those in need of assistance with funeral costs or other expenses.

Good People

--CW: Character death mentioned--

"You are one sick fuck, Hero."

"Ex-excuse me?" Hero asks, straining in their restrains to look Villain in the eye.

"You know, when I kill innocent people, at least I admit it," Villain says, a look of hatred on their face.

"At least I admit that when innocent blood stains my hand, it's fucked up and selfish. You, however," they bring a knife to Hero's throat, causing them to flinch.

"think that killing innocent people while trying to stop me is alright because you're doing it for the greater good."

"I have never killed an innoc-"

"Oh, so did Anderson deserve to die?" Villain asks, pushing the knife further against Hero's throat, causing a drop of blood to trickle down their neck.

"I-I don't know who-"

"One of my employees. A man you murdered in cold blood while breaking into my base earlier this evening."

Villain doesn't give Hero the chance to speak before they continue, "Did you know he was working for me to pay for his husband's medical bills? I was the only one that would hire him soon enough to get the treatment started before the illness became deadly. Or what about Steve? Who was working to get himself through college? He was going to be a nurse, a pretty noble profession I'd think. Or- or how about Sasha? She had a family that she was working here to feed before you killed her."

Villain's words are filled with venom as they speak, "though, I guess it doesn't matter what happens to people who do bad things, no matter how good their reasons."

"Those were criminals-"

"THEY WEREN'T JUST-" Villain stops themself and takes a breath, attempting to keep themself calm for the time being.

"They weren't just criminals, Hero. They were people. Good people."

[villainous-osha-official]

Per Section V-47, paragraph 9, line 2 of C.R.I.M.E guidelines, villianous designers and engineers are encouraged to include a blast shield to avoid unnecessary injuries and depletion of healthy, able-bodied laborers.

Additionally, the Goonion charter clearly states that neglect of proper safety precautions is a violation, and legal action on behalf of injured or killed henchpeople can and will be taken.

After all, just because we commit crimes, doesn't mean we can't do it safely.

Thank you for your time.

come into my anti-wizard workshop and see my in-progress wizard-slaying devices!

THE DE-TOWERER! I do not know where to put the driver’s seat

THE MAGMA-CANNON! yet to figure out exactly how to aim the thing

[villainous-osha-official]

The Criminal Regulatory Institute of the Machinations of Evil, hereafter to be referred to as C.R.I.M.E, has found it prudent to use this "hellsite" as a means to review and inspect various villains, their lairs, and their methods. If violation of C.R.I.M.E guidelines is detected, offenders will be dealt with accordingly.

Also, the standards of the First Henchmens' Union, hereafter to be referred to as the Goonion, per their request, are to be upheld. Violaters will not be tolerated.

We request that if there are any inquiries, that they be submitted post-haste.