viracelle - Tumblr blog

[viracelle]

happy ending

so i was looking back through this blog and realized the last post i made made it seem like things ended Not Good. But, that is not true! in fact, the opposite is so: i got better. i found great queer rep in shows like carmilla and wynonna earp, and suddenly I stopped having panic attacks where i couldn’t picture a future where i was alive as a gay adult. interesting....anyway, other than that, i also just like,, took enough time off from school and work where i was able to heal? it was really slow at first, but i am in an infinitely better head space now. also! i came out to p much everyone i want to, and some of my siblings are actually supportive! which is great! in fact, the three oldest siblings informed me that their offers to come live with them were still standing, and after a rough period of time where i found out my mom was moving back in, i took one up on the offer. so i’m living with her now, and although it’s a small town in the midwest, i’ve met more queer teenagers already than i had in my entire life. and i can’t even describe how amazing it’s been living with someone who isn’t a quasi-abusive parent and doesn’t set requirements for me to keep living there and treats me like a fellow adult,,,, etc. anyway, i stopped posting here bc the shows i found became a HUGE part of my life and i decided to just make a new tumblr altogether. so there’s that. i just didn’t want anyone who might stumble across this blog to think i did something stupid, because seriously, that last post i made looks ROUGH.

but i promise, my beautiful readers, for the first time in a long while, all is well.

[viracelle]

inevitable

i wish i was dead again. i don’t have any poetic way to spin it anymore, though. it sucks. it hurts. i wish i didn’t feel this way. but there’s no way out. i know that’s supposed to be a lie my brain is telling me, but it really doesn’t feel like a lie. it feels like the truth. unvarnished. logically, i am aware that telling someone “it’s going to be okay” is the lie. you don’t know that. statistically, it isn’t okay all the time. a lot of people don’t get a happy ending. they don’t meet the right person, they don’t get the dream job, they don’t even pay off their debts. and sometimes worse than a mediocre life happens. sometimes people don’t make it out. they live with their parents even though they hate them. they get kicked out, become homeless, die on the streets. some don’t even make it to the streets before they die. sometimes the depression wins and people kill themselves. i don’t even know if i’m depressed, but then again, sometimes people aren’t depressed and still don’t make it.

i can’t help but wonder which i’ll be. because it isn’t guaranteed that i’ll be a story of success. it isn’t even guaranteed that i’ll survive, and right now, that thought doesn’t scare me like it should. but the truth is, i’d rather die young than........fail. i’m not even sure what failure means, but i’ve had the fear of it drilled into me since i was a child. it scares me so fucking much i want to be dead rather than keep living with no plan or prospects. i can’t keep this up forever, i know, i’ve been informed. but at what point will the consequences kick in? what’s the deadline, and what happens when i miss it? i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know.

i wish i knew.

[viracelle]

i can’t remember what it used to feel like when i was well. no matter how hard i try, i just can’t. thinking back on who i was a year ago is like gazing at myself through a black and white film. like i’m behind a waterfall and everything that i used to be is on the other side. i know it’s there and i can almost see it but i can’t actually make out any details.

but recently there have been moments. moments when i look in the mirror of my brain and think i might recognize someone.

[viracelle]

it’s like i want to burn down my life but there’s nothing to burn.

there’s no one to alienate. i’m already not doing anything. and even that is going to be taken from me. i wish everything was different, so that i could have an excuse to feel this way. i have two things i need to do. it feels like too much. i can’t breathe. it’s easier to do nothing and let myself slam into a wall. but even then the wall will close around me and tell me i’m not good enough. even though it promised it wouldn’t. it can’t help but be a wall. everyone offers to help but what they don’t say is that they expect me to get better. if i don’t, i don’t know.

not getting better is not an option. that’s what i’ve been told. but what happens when i do it anyway? do i get crushed by the wall? i’m supposed to climb but i can’t. or maybe i can, and i just don’t want to. and once i feel the wall curving around me i’ll start to climb. that’s what’s supposed to happen. but i already didn’t do that. the only reason i’m still here is because the wall had a limited amount of time and i endured the squeezing for just long enough. another minute and i might not have made it. but the next wall is forever. and it’ll never stop tightening. so i think i might not make it.

[viracelle]

god’s wrath

“half of america is on fire, the other half is being hit by a hurricane--and there’s about three others going on around the world, and mexico just got hit by a huge earthquake. it feels like everything’s going crazy lol”

do you know what she said in response?

“yeah... i’ve actually been thinking, and i remembered in the old testament it said ‘the earth will vomit them out.” i don’t know, it’s something to think about.”

upon further inquiry, yes, she was referring to homosexuals with “them.” my smile was gone by this point, and i didn’t know what to say. but she elaborated. being homosexual is an abomination against God, so the earth itself would revolt against it. apparently.

the worst part is that there was no malice. this was just something she believed, not because she hated anyone, but because she believed it was the truth, and if anyone said differently, they were spouting propaganda as part of the anti-christian agenda of the modern age. that’s the simple truth.

i wish i couldn’t believe she actually thinks that way. but i remember what our childhood was like, so unfortunately i understand that mindset all too well. it’s not really her fault, she’s just believing that what she’s been told her whole life is true.

we were having such a good day, too. she came to me for advice and i was being supportive, the way only someone who is damaged in the same way can. she was so nice, so appreciative. but if she knew who i really was...

i think i’ll stay in the closet for now.

[viracelle]

i hate my birthday. i wish i could just ignore everyone i want to. but it’s never about what i want; especially not on my birthday. if compromise was a virtue i wouldn’t have to worry that my feelings for girls will send me to hell because clearly i’m a saint. a saint who is only filling my duties of course. birthdays are about obligations.

talk to your relatives and try to make it sound like you’re still a person they would be proud of. pretend to like your presents, ignore the fact that it’s nothing you asked for and only highlights how much your family doesn’t know you. plaster on a fake smile and whatever you do don’t complain. complaining only makes other people feel bad, and what kind of a monster would let other people feel bad.

needs come before wants. logically then, everyone else’s needs come before my wants. the world isn’t all about me just because it’s my eighteenth birthday. that doesn’t mean anything to anyone else anyway, because they’ve already had theirs. all my siblings. all my my friends. i’m the youngest no matter where i am, and right now i’m alone.

maybe if i was born a few weeks earlier i could have celebrated becoming an adult with my friends, but i wasn’t and now they’re all at college. it’s okay though, i’m not complaining. i don’t feel like i’ve been forgotten or left behind, that would be silly. that’s a cliché, so obviously i know better than to succumb to it. it’s not like i care that i’ve never had a birthday party with anyone other than my family. and if i did care, then i should have said something and made it happen, so even if it did make me sad it’s really only my fault. so i don’t have a right to get mad that my parents never even remember that i’m the only child who’s never had a real birthday party. i’m not mad, of course. how could i be mad when i know i don’t have a right to be?

the worst part is that i knew better than to have any positive hopes for my birthday. experience has ground that into me. i was going to beat it this year by not expecting anything good, by mentally preparing myself for an absolutely terrible day. i almost made it and then i slipped and let myself actually hope that it could be different. i let myself make a single plan for the day, have one thing that i really wanted to do and it would be a fun memory forever. i should have known better than to think that life would let that happen, or that anyone would realize how much i wanted to do it and try to figure out a way to make it happen. i should have known.

but i didn’t. and it would just be selfish to keep going on about it, so i’m just going to smile and tell everyone it’s okay, i didn’t really want it that much. don’t feel bad.

half an hour, and then it’ll be tomorrow, and i’ll officially be an adult. happy birthday to me.

[viracelle]

the moon is lesbian. the sun is lesbian. the eclipse was the biggest lesbian event of 2017

[viracelle]

Eclipse

the sun and moon are lovers sharing an intimate dance. they spiral and twirl, teasing, not touching, but always with locked eyes.

the heat of their chemistry fuels the sun’s radiation, gives her her fiery depths. the constancy of the sun’s love gives the moon her glow her gentle disposition her patience and forgiveness.

Once every while they meet: they exchange kisses and embraces for a day, by human standards.

time does not work the same for celestial beings, and each eclipse is a lifetime of love.

their connection is so fierce, their love so unwavering, the collision creates sparks that twist away and create more life, shining creatures we call stars, but are better termed as angels.

dynasties have risen and fallen— entire civilizations too, but it all falls beneath the notice of our heavenly loves, who have eyes only for each other.

[viracelle]

Teenage Rebellion

I’m gonna love myself out of spite. I’m sick of deflecting compliments. I’m tired of trying so hard to stay humble that I have to find fault with every little thing I say, think, or do. I am so tired. I hate how women in books are never allowed to be aware of the fact that they are beautiful. They have to be told again and again by a third party, and even then they are suspicious. Why? Because having low self-esteem is considered an attractive trait, for some seriously twisted reason.

Screw that. I’m not playing that game any more. I’m funny. I’m smart. I like making other people feel good. I’m pretty most of the time, and even when I’m not, it’s okay, because I exist for more than the purpose of being nice to look at. 

“You don’t know you’re beautiful, and that’s what makes you beautiful” Sorry One Direction, but I’m not falling for that anymore. In fact, I am going to actively rebel against that by loving myself even when it’s hard, even when I don’t want to. Especially then. I don’t think my friends really love me because they don’t know the real me? Well guess what buddy, I know the real me, and I’m going to love myself anyway. No one else is there to pick up the pieces when I fall apart. No one else is there to make sure I stay hydrated and take showers and eat at least one vegetable a day. I’m doing all that, so I think it’s about time I started giving myself credit for it.

A long time ago I realized that people couldn’t hurt me if I hurt myself first. They couldn’t make fun of my taste in music if I only liked it ironically, or if I made fun of it first. The horrible things wouldn’t have any affect if I had already accepted them with open arms. But there’s another option, and that option is:

Screw you. I don’t care if you think my music is dumb, you’re just a bitter adult who’s been taught that it’s cool to dislike things. Hating myself is the easiest path, but it isn’t any fun. And I want my life to be fun. I deserve better than to exist as a sad. lonely, self-sacrificing person. Sorry, I know it’s been romanticized, but I’m just not feeling the whole “self-loathing” thing anymore. Instead, I’m going to downright ooze confidence and self-love. And when people get mad about it, I’m going to love myself even harder just to make them uncomfortable. Because anyone who is worth spending time with will feel happy when I’m happy.

I want to love myself so much that people watching me will realize how fun it is to love themselves, too.

[viracelle]

my best friend asked me if i thought i might be depressed. i told her yes. she said she missed the old me. in almost a whisper, i had to admit that i don't know if the old me can ever come back. she quickly acknowledged, angel that she is, that that's okay, change happens and it can be good. the old me. i don't remember her. apparently she used to get really excited about things, about everything! i miss her too.

[viracelle]

sometimes my anxieties make me seem like an absolute BOSS at life. like, i always have three backup plans prepared in case i misunderstood the instructions/social cues at any given moment. so on the rare occasions when something (or everything) does go wrong, i know exactly how to respond. also, it's easy to look like you know what you're doing when you practice your order five times in your head before you actually say it. the company behind the phone doesn't have to know i'm reading off a script i prepared and read through multiple times when i leave a message with a question. yes i did bring extra water bottles, and money, and a phone charger, and a pen. i don't embarrass myself as much any more because i've learned when to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself. it looks like i'm at ease with myself because most of the time i can figure out how to turn my private panic attacks and overwhelming insecurities into punchlines. i didn't slack off at work because i was always terrified of being yelled at or fired the second i wasn't working on a task. it's not very logical, and often incredibly unhealthy, but when something does go wrong, it's all worth it, because i'm prepared. sometimes i feel like my anxiety is a superpower.

[viracelle]

because carmilla can't be bothered to sit like a normal person, or do her share of cleaning, apparently

[viracelle]

Book Discussion

What were your childhood favorite books that no one else seems to know? Not Harry Potter or Percy Jackson, but the book no one else has ever heard of. Mine is Princess from Another Planet. 

[viracelle]

Entity

there is ancient magic in storms. the thunder rumbles like the growling of some primordial beast, warning that it has never actually been gone and it will do as it pleases. and it does. it roars so loud that the sky cracks open and tears itself apart, shattering under the force of a god’s reckless blows. in the distance, lightning rushes down hungrily to consume, lighting up whole portions of the world as a mere side effect of its unchecked energy. the remains of the torn sky comes tumbling down as rain, not the soft rain that summer evenings are supposed to bring, but the cold and painful sheets that are designed to scrub all the wickedness out of the world. There’s no room for mercy. Instead, there is an onslaught. Raging waters do not hesitate or attempt to appease the ego of man. They are there to humble and destroy, destroy nature itself if need be, ripping apart branches and shredding leaves into dust and then carrying away the evidence in the flood.

And yet, there is no malevolence. Power, yes, enough to send man scuttling into small, dry places to shiver and listen in awe. But the brute force doesn’t have a personality behind it, at the end of the day. There is no old god venting its fury on man. It’s merely an act of nature. That makes it somehow more chilling, but in a way comforting. The world is working as it should be. The thunder and lightning could tear you apart, but if they did, it wouldn’t be for a purpose. It would just be. Eventually, the rain and thunder will stop. The rushing waters will slow and sink and turn into a trickle. There will be silence. Peace. A frozen moment where forces of nature are a myth, just like time itself. Droplets suspend themselves mid air and sparkle. The tired trees nurture their wounds. The sky is stretched out like old fabric after being beaten so hard. Everything is miscolored, which is a common side effect of a time stop. The weariness is so palpable it sinks into your bones and begs you to sleep as well. And who are you, to try and fight nature. Your eyes close, but you can still smell the scent of recovery, the magic of nymphs coming out of their abodes to heal and rebuild. Petrichor.

[viracelle]

I’ll say this without question, the paying of government taxes, I believe, is sin. I’m sorry, I believe it’s sin. And so my struggle is with that premeditated sin every day because I know, for me to give one penny to Planned Parenthood is a sin. If I know what they’re doing with it, it’s a sin. For me to have to pay my property taxes—get your local property tax bill and look at how much of your local property tax goes to fund your schools and ask yourself, “Why am I funding that filth?‘

Dave Daubenmire, who apparently is not a fan of Planned Parenthood and public schools, but seems to have no problem with constant global warfare and people going broke to pay their medical bills …  (via politicalprof)

gosh darn it i am so sick of all these half-conceived self-righteous "christians" who have somehow never read the new testament in their lives. jesus wants you to pay your freaking taxes. how do i know? bECAUSE HE SAID SO DIRECTLY.

so back in the good ole days when jesus was starting his ministry, rome was being, well, rome, so there was huge amounts of corruption and oppression. one thing that especially ticked the everyday people off was that the tax collectors were the literal worst. forget having part of your money go to problematic public schools, in jesus' day, your money would be directly lining the pockets of the taxman so he can buy his third vineyard or whatever. and the rest would go to caesar and he would use that money to oppress the jewish people more because he's a mean leader. so of course, all the laypeople were super mad about it, and a lot of them wanted to revolt. in fact, many of them thought/hoped that this new awesome radical teacher jesus was going to help them overthrow the government. after all, he had no problem yelling at all the corrupt church leaders for their problems, and he in general wanted to help out the lower class.

but here's the thing. jesus had to keep telling people, "no, in not some warrior dude who's here to lead you in battle, in just here to teach and forgive and heal and stuff." for some reason, people only heard what they wanted to hear (can you even imagine), so they kept asking "when can we fight back against these wrongs being done to us?" finally jesus went "look at this coin. whose face is on it? caesars. that means that it belongs to caesar. so just give it to him. the important stuff, give to me. this doesn't matter." so shut up with any nonsense about it being unchristian to pay taxes. just admit that it's hard-heartedness and greed, two things that ARE condemned heavily by jesus.

i hate how many christians ignore the things the bible actually says because it feels uncomfortable. guess who else was made uncomfortable by what jesus said? the pharisees! the corrupt leaders who were more focused on the letter of the rules than the spirit of faith! the people who would rather condemn and hate and protest the government than love their neighbor or actually give to the poor! apparently people never change, even with an instruction book that conveniently outlines everything.

TL;DR jesus flat out said to just pay your goshdarn taxes in the bible, and when he said it, the system was a whole lot more corrupt and "anti-christian" than it is now.

[viracelle]

hey I love your poems!!!! they feel really relatable and they're really well written and aaaaaaa you're so good

what is this?? affirmation??? wild! but seriously it makes me beyond happy to hear that i’m being coherent and relatable and not just like,, stringing random phrases together in an alien language that only i can understand. thank you so much!!! all i want to do is express myself in a way that connects to someone else, so i’m sooooo glad to hear i’m doing that for you!!! i love you anon

[viracelle]

coming out

it’s amazing to me now that i ever thought i was straight. but then again, when you’re raised being taught that being gay isn’t actually real, i guess it’s not very surprising. mostly, i just assumed everyone felt like i did. surely all girls wished they were boys so that they could date their friends. surely all girls looked at each other like that. surely all girls had dreams where they were in or pursuing relationships with other girls. surely all girls viewed marriage through a lens of finding someone you can tolerate, and then making your own happiness. surely no one actually believes in true love.

for a while, i didn’t really believe in love. i believed in compatibility. my future was tinged with gray. if only i was a boy, then i could love her, treat her like she deserved. why didn’t any boys see her warmth? the explosion of colors that was her personality? oh, why couldn’t i be born a boy? instead i’m a girl, and i have to hold out for the day when boys will surely grow up, will magically turn into people i could be half as interested as i am with her.

of course, now i understand that that day won’t come. and it is such a relief. life actually seems so much more exciting. i don’t have to be a boy to like girls anymore. i can fall in love, and it won’t be with someone who is just “good enough” or simply compatible. my heart beats faster at just the thought. apparently not all girls wished jane eyre would forget about rochester and st. john and just live happily ever after with diana. not all girls feel this way about other girls. but i do. and i don’t want to pretend it doesn’t mean what it obviously means anymore. maybe i can’t tell the people in my life who i really am yet, but at least i can admit it to myself. i can hope for the future and not picture all the ways i’m going to have to settle.