voicesandthoughts

[voicesandthoughts]

me: you literally have a disorder. this is symptoms

me: no perhaps my soul is rotten

[voicesandthoughts]

enemies to lovers but it’s me and myself

[voicesandthoughts]

Why does laundry never end

and why does the universe always bend against my will

why are suicide notes and emergency visits the family run of the mill

it's a wonder I'm still bad at taking pills

so many drugs, so many methods

two years ago, I was nearly dead

and now I'm breaking cycles but it hurts my head

I still don't know who's in my mirror

maybe I still stare too long

but at least we're done breathing rotten air

I patch up wounds and they don't seal

but at least it's not as strong

the sting, their voices, the alcohol

I've swallowed every bit and I've swallowed verbal knives

I've swallowed silence and I've swallowed lies

I've traveled what feels a hundred thousand miles

I swallowed my mother's distant eyes and orchestrated my own demise.. a hundred thousand times

but I don't let it all metastasize anymore

I changed my mind

as much as it hurts my head

I want to grow old

and curse this god damn fucking laundry

[voicesandthoughts]

I've been posting less but.. I've been needing it less. I'm fully recovered and where I "should" (healthy, so it's within a range not a specific number and ofc is different for everybody) be in terms of weight gain now 🎉😌 and getting so so much better on the mental side. It definitely pops up and ruins meals.. or moments, or days still BUT I get excited for more often than scared of food now

[voicesandthoughts]

constantly learning how to love right and communicate

because it can't be someone else

[voicesandthoughts]

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH

[voicesandthoughts]

you give me that aubergine gleam

the way to find or dull my dreams

L’appel du vide on the side of everything I could ever want or need

the serenity of dusk

everything hollow filled by your touch

and then heaven is a place invading my head

In our bed, and it's all I could ever desire

.. I feel good sometimes

profound even, I find

heaven and hell reside inside my mind

there is nothing that isn't on fire

but with you, at least I'm not pushing daisies

just slightly batshit crazy

when we fight, a static plastic hazy

you stiched new things into my seams

strength, and joy ignited

but I don't feel them, just the needle stings

when you unthread other things

dimming the corners you don't like

your arms are both warm and all too tight

on nights like those

I love you, but the pain will bury into my bones

[voicesandthoughts]

I burned every map for you tossed compass and caution into our twin flames for the promise of shared last names even when midnight sighs spilled nightly into hollow, but shared, spaces into stormy skies cracked open where we wondered how to make it back but love is not an emotion we still find grace and devotion - decidedly what once billowed between us laid to rest and now sits, if at all, quietly by gentle breeze and tangled sheets shattered dreams drift lightly I still trace the shapes of places hear echos of other selves and faces but it hushes in understood and starlit gazes I'd follow you instead in all of my life's phases

[voicesandthoughts]

please don’t spend your life convincing yourself that love or joy is reserved for the idealized version of you that only exists in the future

[voicesandthoughts]

i love constantly evolving into a cooler version of myself

[voicesandthoughts]

Reason to Live #12308

To eat chocolate covered strawberries. – Guest Submission

(Please don't add negative comments to these posts.)

[voicesandthoughts]

"are you as good as you seem" my therapist asked today

I don't know girl you tell me, probably not.. but I'm doing better than my wallet :'D

[voicesandthoughts]

sign of the year

The Wrong ICE is Melting

The Wrong Amazon is Burning

[voicesandthoughts]

Holidays are usually smoke in my lungs

literally, under four, with my birth mother and her cigarettes

ashen clouds and ugly fights, I learned to hold my breath

and until 19, devoid of color, reachings at death

20 was something warm, goodness born

more than a calendar page and blown out matches

it was perfect, and I still wish it had lasted

of course it didn't

My birthday is in a few months now, I'll be 21

I know you won't get me anything but drunk

But I'll still convince myself it's enough

We'll do things only you want to do

but again, I'll be too drunk to feel blue

I'll lick love off the edge of clueless knives

anything to not fight, or keep calling you mine

Today, and probably then, I fall asleep on four leaf clovers

Not sure if I'm hoping for or not letting them grow

Not sure what I fear more

This being my forever

or it ever being over

plucking them from the ground, or watching a slow demise

I won't want a marriage that's drunken compromise

I just want you at my side, I want you to see me.. through soft, sober eyes

to be loved is to be known

to ignore it will be to unroot all that we have grown

[voicesandthoughts]

[voicesandthoughts]

my glasses are always dirty but it's fine. i've seen enough.

[voicesandthoughts]

I need two copies of any clothes I wear below the belt.. I cannot be risking the clothes I love to wear on my period 😭