vsxthena

[vsxthena]

── ❛ 𝐀𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐓𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 ❜

Neteyam te Suli Tsyeyk'itan x Fem! Omatikaya! Reader

IN WHICH, you are unsure if you are worthy to be Tsahìk.

genre ཿ⠀ fem! reader, friends to lovers (?) to strangers, angst

warning(s) ཿ⠀ descriptions of suicidal thoughts and eating disorders, feelings of depression, anxiety, and insecurity

All my life I have been stripped of the right to choose. Stuck playing the role of someone else’s play, I am a marionette. Never having to deal with the worry of my place among my people, but never given the luxury of the excitement of tomorrow’s wonders. Always knowing that tomorrow will be the same as today—stuck in this endless loop of preparing for the day that has sealed me to this fate.

Any other Na’vi woman would have been happy to receive such an honor. To be promised to the oldest son of the great Toruk Makto, the Olo'eyktan of the Omatikaya. There was a time where I felt ecstatic at receiving such a role, to be the next Tsahìk. But as the years grew on, I felt myself becoming more burdened with the ideology of the perfect Tsahìk—to live up to the legacy of all those who came before me.

My mind grew addicted to the idea of—not only becoming the perfect leader for my people but—becoming the perfect mate for him. Neteyam te Suli Tsyeyk'itan, the perfect son who was expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and become the greatest leader our clan has ever known. So, you can imagine the agonizing pressure I felt to live up to such an image–such an ideal. They say no good thing comes without a price. The cost of being chosen to become the next Tsahìk was my sanity.

My ideology and romanticism of becoming Tsahìk left no room for mistakes or failures. The dread of failure was suffocating. Anxieties often plagued my mind like a disease, ripping away at my heart, at the mere thought of Neteyam choosing another because of my own imperfections. I struggled to stay afloat among the waves of thoughts that tormented my mind and heart.

Despite all of this cruel internal torment, I somehow upheld my image as the perfect future Tsahìk of the Omatikaya. Ma Neteyam—my beautiful, beloved Neteyam—followed every order of his father without complaint. His confident, protective nature drew the attention of many fine women of our clan. Many of whom tried to get his attention—who tried to take my place as his promised mate. The mere audacity of these women were sickening, but not nearly as much as the aching my heart felt for his lack of attention. His obliviousness for all the torment I’ve subjected myself to—in the name of one day becoming his—only fueled the fire of my self deprecating thoughts.

Oh, how my heart yearns for the days when his care for me was as clear as day, when the thought of being promised to him wasn’t so suffocating—when waking up didn’t seem like another troubling task.

The days began to slowly blend together as my training continued. The weight of my duty weighed heavy on my mind as my mask began to crumble under the pressure. Soon people began to take notice of my mental torment. Nights I would go hungry with tear stained eyes, no longer being able to stomach the food I once enjoyed. The continuous hunger began to take a toll on my body as my skin became dull and my eyes full of sorrow.

I begged Eywa for salvation from this hell, hoping her answer would take my life. Her answer, unfortunately, burdened me with Neytiri’s sympathetic gaze. She saw through my facade and attempted to comfort me with open arms. My heart—no—my mind couldn’t allow such generosity to be wasted on me. I didn’t deserve it, I never earned it.

But despite my sweet white lies coated in pleasant smiles, she persisted. Encouraging me to take breaks, attempting to keep my mind from the anxieties of the impending future—focusing on the smaller sweeter things in life. Even Kiri continued these little antics when she could not. These small, but meaningful efforts felt… endearing. It felt as if Eywa had blessed me with sweet drops of nectar full of the childhood nostalgia that brought me so much joy.

Of course, no matter how much I beg and plea for these small endearing moments to last. I must be reminded that I have a duty to fulfill, a role to play.

It was a mistake. A small one in the eyes of others, but in mine—a grave one. In my moment of turmoil, I had caught the eye of Mo’at’s worry. Just like Neytiri, she had caught sight of what laid beneath my crumbling facade. She had urged me to rest, to allow the wounds within my mind and heart to heal. I believed I needn’t nor deserved such luxury; and when I did not heed her warning, she stripped me of my duties until my health recovered.

Oh, how my heart ached that day she spoke those words. I became withdrawn from the world. My mind became more merciless as my thoughts threw daggers at my heart. Everything became too much of a tremendous task. Even sleeping brought me no comfort. With every minute of every hour of every day, my mind was full of deprecating thoughts boarding on self pity.

I couldn’t bear to face Kiri nor Neytiri each time they brought me food from meals I could care less to think about. Never in my life would I have thought I would feel so worthless, so undeserving of something I prayed for as a child. I wondered where everything went so horribly wrong and why did it have to be me to bear this pain.

The people of the Omatikaya deserve a Tsahìk better than this. One who doesn’t crumble under the pressure of her own future. How can I protect and guide my own people, when I can barely do the same for myself? I don’t deserve to even consider myself one of the people, I don’t deserve to be Tsahìk, I don’t deserve to live the rest of my life by his side. I barely have the right to live.

Ma Neteyam—my beautiful, beloved Neteyam—please trust that I am not so cruel to chain you to my side, to allow you to suffer through my pain and self pity. I love you too dearly to allow you to limit yourself for me.

Even though I crossed the ocean all those years ago, my heart still yearns for the future I know I can never have with you. I just hope and pray to Eywa, that you and whomever is promised to you does not suffer through the same pressure and anxiety I have.

My love for you and the Omatikaya people shall also be held close to my heart, forever and always.

[vsxthena]

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