wanderingcss - Tumblr blog

[wanderingcss]

seeing a pic of you is the reminder that you still hate yourself and that stuffing your face isn’t helping. Hasnt been for over 7 years, so that wont change in the foreseeable future.

I guess I’m putting my running shoes on and really trying to get back on track. Planning on only iced lattes today.

[wanderingcss]

so I was doing great, losing weight, and then I just went back to eating like I’m already skinni?

l m a o

anyway, back at it, again. Because I’m focking 70kgs again, and what I am NOT is tall so 70 isn’t a good look on me. I look like a freakin’ ball

i am going to see a boy I really like in less than a month, so I need to drop as much as possible before then (hypothetically, I can be 60 by then, if I truly commit to avoiding food).

My plan is simple : don’t eat, drink iced macchiato is okay, if you really feel like fainting then have fruits and protein but nothing processed, drink at least 2L of water a day and try to exercise a little bit? Not much since I won’t be eating but a few squats / abs here and there

[wanderingcss]

i want to

d

i

e

honestly, I didn’t even know what I’m doing here.

[wanderingcss]

hitting plateau, been the same weight for 4 days now and it’s bothering me. But I know it’s just the brain, the system working out the weight loss and adjusting.

a few years ago, i would have binged days ago. But this time around, I’m just biding my time. I’ll break the plateau at some point.

but after taking some advice, I decided on breaking my liquid fast to have a lunch. Kind of a « booster ». I ended up not counting my calories but I had :

- beans (no fat, no salt)

- 2 slices of ham

- 2 scrambled eggs (no fat, no salt)

- 4 corn crackers (80 cals, that I know)

- 2 small crepes

- 1 kinder cards

- 1 square of chocolate (not on the pic, but well in my stomach)

I tried a balanced and healthy meal, and I added some sweets to ensure I won’t crave those later. I’m back to liquid fasting, hoping I won’t gain weight by tomorrow. And more especially hoping I will break the plateau soon!

[wanderingcss]

May 17th : ate 4 corn crackers (69kg)

May 18th : binge ate (but still controlled myself)

May 19th : weighed in at 68, didn’t eat

May 20th : (67.2) had a handful of crisps

May 21st : (66.5) didn’t eat

May 22nd : (65.5) had 2 knacki, corn, a square of chocolate, 1 Skyr

May 23rd : (65.5) plateauing already? I need to not give up, it’s just my body settling in from the sudden drop of almost 5 kgs (I was 71 not 2 weeks ago)

[wanderingcss]

it’s 2023, but I remember counting cals back in 2016.

It’s 2023, but I’m still on Ed tumblr, 6 accounts banned in the past 6-7 years.

It’s 2023, and I never ever got to my ugw. This time, I’ll make it count.

[wanderingcss]

what were the odds that I’d lose 8 pounds in 5 days after my breakup?

Actually really high considering I have eds

[wanderingcss]

all he took for me to relapse was

a broken heart and crushed soul

so, I’m not with my bf any longer. And I’m okay with not being with his person.

but I’m sad because I lost the only person who loved me, showed me attention and care. Even though we weren’t meant to be together and I’m glad we ended things, I still feel devastated.

Because one of the reason he brought up was how I wasn’t able to satisfy his physical needs (aka s€x). « Yeah I know it’s not your fault and it’s because of your past but ». But my personality was not enough to make up for the last of sexual intercourse.

And that’s what truly destroyed me. I won’t ever matter enough to someone that they can overlook what I won’t ever be able to give.

I don’t matter. I hate myself. I think I’m the ugliest and fattest, and he was the only person who truly made me feel beautiful. I feel so betrayed. I feel so sad.

I don’t know what’s to come next, I don’t know what my future beholds. But I know romantic relationships might not be in the cards for me. Because I’m broken, not a useful toy.

I hate myself

I hate

Myself

I hate myself

Sad is not a strong enough word for how I feel, it hurts. And it’s weird because I don’t miss the person he is, but what this breakup truly means for me.

I don’t matter

[wanderingcss]

to be someone who’s been r@p€d in the past is to all of a sudden freeze in sheer terror from just cuddling even though the person you’re with is a good person who loves you.

i was terrified, shaking.

it feels so lonely.

[wanderingcss]

rn realising i have no future, pro or else, that I am overall not such a good person (bcz im mean to the people around me), that I can’t control my voice tone and it always comes off as harsh and agressive when I don’t mean to.

The list is longer still, and id happily tell a therapist but the one I contacted has replied to me yet. It’s been 2 weeks.

[wanderingcss]

life.

[wanderingcss]

being me means feeling absolutely amazing one minute then proceed to delete all 200 posts, 100 reels, all my highlight stories, unfollow 2/3 of my following and remove my pp / bio from my insta account the next minute.

I just finished yet another sesh of deleting everything I can in sight.

I am just so so so tired of being me.

[wanderingcss]

Just be real with me, we’re too old for that lying shit

[wanderingcss]

always and forever, i’m aware it’s the losing team but I’m such L

i’m such a “no no, it’s okay” person.

[wanderingcss]

my review on life so far:

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

[wanderingcss]

in the mood for someone to reassure me and tell me i'm genuinely what they want

[wanderingcss]

that is so true, yet so hard to force yourself to stop caring. once you succeed, you’re freed from a hell of a nightmare

Seems like you find peace when you stop caring.