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[wannabeinsane]

The conundrum of faith

Having faith teaches that prayer is powerful. That believing in something so profusely, makes you admirable and inspiring. This delusion makes it difficult to argue against logic. I know there isn’t solid proof of the existence of God. I want to be rational and have belief in science. I do have belief in science. But when my dog gets sick, it’s not science I pray to. Despite having more proof against His existence, I talk to empty space and ask Him for things when I know I’m no longer in control.

I look at the wall and ask Him “please tell me what to do, I’m helpless”. I light a diya as if that one flame is going to make Him notice me out of 8 billion people who are probably doing the same thing every where, everyday. As if that one flame is going to vanquish all the darkness in my life. Is this not some sort of mental illness? Believing so strongly in something you have no evidence for. Something that surpasses the realm of reality. At what point does magic become delusion and faith, a disorder? If God exists, I’d ask Him for the requirements to be Him.

Can the all-powerful supernatural being save me from me? Does he take bribes? Because I know I’ve spent my fair share of time and money after him. Or does he only favour the rich not unlike our government?

If karma is the ultimate truth and ‘what goes around comes around’, then what role does God play? And if Karma is the creation of God, then does praying even matter? Is it a free pass against wrongdoing?

[wannabeinsane]

The desire to get worse

It comes and goes. In waves. Not like ocean waves but like mechanical waves; which require a medium to travel through. Unfortunately sometimes that medium happens to be me. On almost every Monday I decide to go to bed early. And like everything else I say, this decision of mine also turns out to be a joke. Although it wasn’t intended to be one. It’s 1:30 and I’m still in bed, wide awake, wondering what’s keeping me up. I look at my desk and see a cardboard cutter in the pen stand. Oh the temptation! It’s calling out to me. Screaming to be held; to be used. I look away.

It’s 3:30. Nothing has changed. I’m still wide awake but the cutter isn’t in the pen stand anymore.

[wannabeinsane]

A love letter

To my one and only. She’s all I have. Her presence brings in warmth and sunlight. Her smile, the only one that matters. There are days when I doubt everything; but never her. She’s my one constant. She has to be, or I’d have no one else. But I don’t want to have anyone else. I’ve considered having others; but no one else notices my annoyance to mispronounced words or incorrect grammar. No one else tells me I look cute just seconds before I’m about to laugh. No one else is willing to try new places with me, or peel me an orange. No one understands me better than her. She empathises instead of sympathising. She listens. Intently. With concentration. For hours. When I lay awake at night stuck in an endless loop of thoughts, she’s right by my side. Sometimes she joins the loop, other times she stops it. When sometimes I feel that my bed is the only place I truly belong, she corrects me and reminds me her arms are always an option. Whenever and forever. Whether I want them or not. She personifies love and radiates resilience. She manifests miracles and showers kindness. She’s brave and smart and all things beautiful. She is me. I am her.

[wannabeinsane]

I feel most like myself when I’m sad

[wannabeinsane]

I can hear it at this point. All of my senses focused on this one single thing. I hear it shattering into a million pieces. I see it in the way my weight has drastically dropped. I can feel it every time I stop myself from feeling happy. I can smell it on the tshirt he left behind. I taste his absence on my tongue and I’m hungry. Hungry for love? I don’t think so. It’s not just love I want. It’s him. I crave him. He doesn’t feel the same. But what else is new?! Didn’t I already know this! For him, I’m the comfortable couch he sat on and then wall clock he looked at every day to tell the time. For me, he was my favourite tv show and the most delicious meal of my entire life. I so want to think “fuck him” but all I can manage to think is “please don’t leave me”.

[wannabeinsane]

You could never be too much for me.

Just as there can never be too many stars in the sky or too pretty a flower.

[wannabeinsane]

She was the personification of music in my life

[wannabeinsane]

Your kisses were a skincare routine and your goodbyes, a thousand paper cuts.

FaceTimes with you were like reading magazines and the hundred texts between us a part of my prayer.

But then suddenly you were gone and I started pest control. Your photos and letters were all gone and your t-shirts which I had kept were donated. But that wasn’t enough. I wanted to wash my heart of any trace of you. It was a constant itch that I couldn’t scratch. I saw other couples and felt like throwing rocks at them but more than that I felt like tripping and falling on the rock and hitting my head. I could imagine the blood pooling around my head with my eyes open but I worry about causing a scene. It’ll be too embarrassing. So I just walk home hoping to get hit by a bus instead.

[wannabeinsane]

Growing up feels like leaving behind your favourite person without any closure

[wannabeinsane]

i don't know why attachment issues is so normalised. it's honestly one of the worst things to have, craving someones affection so much to the point you feel nothing without them, depending your mood on theirs, or romantising a future with someone you just met just because they start being nice or talking to you. it's so draining and so hard to disattach yourself from them try not to confuse "attachment" with "love." Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn't about what others can give you because you're empty.

It is about what you can give others because you're already full.

[wannabeinsane]

You touch me, and I want to turn it into a tattoo.

Later on I realise that tattoos are nothing but fancy scars.

[wannabeinsane]

Grief hugs me and fills the spaces He used to

[wannabeinsane]

I’m a very obsessive lover. It’s a problem

[wannabeinsane]

Did evolution stop at us? Are we it’s last product? Here’s a prompt:

5 billion years have gone by, and humans aren’t humans anymore. They’re called something else. They don’t need to speak anymore and can read minds. They’re highly evolved, advanced creatures and sex isn’t a thing anymore

[wannabeinsane]

The Quiet World

by Jeffrey McDaniel

In an effort to get people to look into each other’s eyes more, and also to appease the mutes, the government has decided to allot each person exactly one hundred and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear without saying hello. In the restaurant I point at chicken noodle soup. I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover, proudly say I only used fifty-nine today. I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond, I know she’s used up all her words, so I slowly whisper I love you thirty-two and a third times. After that, we just sit on the line and listen to each other breathe.

[wannabeinsane]

I really wanna stand on the 10th floor of a building that’s under construction at night in a red dress with my lover while it’s raining.

[wannabeinsane]

Love does not die. It gets sick and loses its appeal