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[wantbabybump]

I guess my life hasn't always been happy, or easy, or exactly what I wanted. At a certain point, I just have to try not to think too much about certain things, or else they'll break my heart.

— Jonathan Franzen

[wantbabybump]

nostalgia is a liar. nothing was ever as good as you remember it to be. there’s a reason you don’t talk to that person anymore, there’s a reason you’re not part of each other’s lives. don’t trust nostalgia. grieve. reflect. move on.

[wantbabybump]

Secondary Infertility: Something I never thought i would struggle with. When i found out i was pregnant, it was twins then that i had a boy AND a girl. I thought i was done. I have my boy and my girl. What more could i ask for? I was 100% thought I was done. Then I had my kids and it was hard and stressful and one of the most challenging adjustments I ever made. Going from none to two kids, premature, severe reflux with dairy intolerance. It was definitely stressful and rough. Six months in, i was asked "anymore kids?"... "nope, definitely not. A year in "anymore kids?", "hmmm..I dont think so, but maybe?". A year and a half in.... "I want another baby!!!" Once they became more independent, less needy, I missed the baby stage. Finally at three years old, my family was ready for another transfer. The timing was right, the money situation was right, it just was time!

My first FET worked and gave me my twins. I never thought that it wouldn't work. My first FET after my twins was the same grade, I did almost the same protocol and I responded to meds better this time. I was so hopeful. After getting my first very faint positive four days after transfer i took it as a good sign. It was the same thing that happened with my twins. I watched the line get darker each day, til it didn't. It was very appearant by day 7 that something wasn't right. The test was no longer getting as dark as I though it should. Beta day came, nurse said "Its postive, but a very low positve, be cautiously optimistic. Maybe the baby implanted late". Which i knew wasn't the case, cause of when i started getting postives. It was a holiday weekend, so i couldn't get repeat bloodwork til four days later. But by day two or three my tests were stark white. No hint at a line. I stopped my medications. I did follow up bloodwork but never recieved the results. I was heartbroken. I didn't understand. I would of almost it rather been completely negative, then building my hopes up just to be shattered.

I took some time, I needed to heal my heart, I needed to get in the right mindset again. This time I stopped drinking caffiene and tried to watch my diet a little better and make sure i really upped my water. I did my protocol as with my twins and made sure i did the crappy lovenox, burn and bruise shot. I had my transfer, a less graded embryo, but still a good embryo. I did the acupuncture before and after. I kept my feet warm (seeing as its now winter). I went a little crazy this time, started testing at day three past. Wouldn't you know it, the slightest, lightest, faintest line. I thought for sure this was a good sign but I still didn't want to get my hopes up. Tested everyday, was getting darker, and then it stopped again. Same as before. My bloodwork came back with a hcg at 6. (anything about 5 is pregnant, but below 25 is likely not viable) I asked the nurses about just stopping meds. I'm a realist, I knew this was also going to end in miscariage. They said to stay on meds, do repeat in 48 hours. I did as instructed and that hcg came back negative. I knew it was gonna be that outcome, but did it still hurt, absolutely. Again, I would of much rather had it be negative all the way instead of postive then negative. It just sucks. And then people tell you, well you have your twins at least. Duh! But i still mourn the fact that I now have 2 kids earthside and FOUR in heaven. I've been pregnant 4 times technically and only have given birth once.

Which brings me to secondary infertility. Which I almost think its worse emotioinally. At least for me. Before my twins, it sucked, i was heartbroken everytime it didn't happen. But I didn't know just how much I was missing. I didn't know what baby kicks feel like. I didn't know that feeling the first time seeing your baby on ultrasound, then in person, then each new thing that they do. I really didn't know what I missing, now I do. And while I experienced ALOT with pregnancy and being a mom. Theres also so much that I missed that I wanted to experience.

I went into labor before i could do my maternity pictures. I had my kids so early that i didn't get to see them for hours and hold them for days. I didn't get to keep them in my hospital and make decisions for them. They were in the NICU and someone else told me when I could hold my child and for how long. When I could feed my child and how to. I didn't give them their first baths, I didn't get to breastfeed the natural way. I had to pump and take breastmilk to NICU. I didn't get newborn pictures, and when they did get out of the NICU I was so broke I couldn't afford for anyone to do them. The first six weeks of my kids life, I didn't feel fully like their mom.

I just want a chance to have a normal pregnancy. A normal birth and to get to take my baby home after the 72 hours in the hospital. I have 2 embryos left, based on previous chemical pregnancies, the DR is suggesting I transfer both. When I do a FET again it will be my last and final try. I cannot afford the $8000-$10,000 to do a complete IVF cycle again. If money was no object, I would most definitely try again (after I swore I would never! Never say never! haha). So I have one more chance. I could end up with 0-4 babies by transferring 2. We are hoping for one sticky healthy full term bring home bean. But will take what god decides to give us. When will i transfer again? Not sure, I have about $4000 wrapped up in medical bills from the previous 2 transfers that I'm trying to pay off before adding more bills, and will be waiting for better weather. (although christmas oddly felt like spring somehow?) So next transfer is to be determined! But heres to hoping and praying for a sticky bring home babe.

[wantbabybump]

It's been a month since I found out about you. Almost 3 weeks since I found out I wont be meeting you earthside sweet child. I cant bring myself to throw out the pregnancy tests, it's the only proof I have that you were here. Even if it was for a short time.

[wantbabybump]

Everyday there are women who get elective abortions. But then go on and have happy, healthy babies. Everyday there are women who don't seek prenatal care. And everything comes out perfect! Everyday there are women who use drugs up until they are pushing the baby out. And they still carry to full term. Everyday there are women who have three kids in foster care and are already expecting another one.

As if infertility hasn't taught me well enough just how unfair life can be. Lets pile pregnancy loss on top of that. I will never understand why women who battle and then win infertility also have to face pregnancy loss. It's probably one of the cruelest parts of life. I guess some people need to learn on extra more personal level just how unfair and cruel life can be. As I sit here typing tonight I now have more babies in heaven then I do earthside with me. I can't begin to tell you the torture of watching your positive pregnancy tests fade back to negative. And still having to do progesterone in oil shots. (they are shots to help sustain a pregnancy and are adminstired with 1 1/2 inch long needles intramusclarly) I still have bruises, lumps and sore spots but no longer pregnant. Was it worth it? Yes!! The chance of becoming a mom again made it worth it. Does it hurt like hell knowing now the outcome.. yes!

Women gear up for their frozen transfers researching meds, protocols, best vitamins etc. So much prep work. So many pills. So many shots. So many blood draws and uncomfortable ultrasounds. So much money. (After all none of this is free!) And there's crackhead susie up the street that got pregnant while trading sexual favors for herion and she gets to have her baby. Just so the baby ends up in the system and she just keeps having them. Why can't people like her have infertility? Now I'm not saying babies don't deserve to live, I just don't understand the process of life deciding who is deserving of a earthside baby, that's all.

[wantbabybump]

We put our marriage back together...

Infertility is so rough on a relationship. Years of following a drs schedule. Years of yo-yo'ing up and down with emotions due to fertility drugs. Years of teetering on the edge of giving up but yet still holding out hope.

I remember each cycle, I would tell myself. This is going to be the one. I would figure out the due date. I would look for any and every symptom. I would basically talk myself and convince myself that this is it! Only for it to come to pee on the stick day and there would never be the second line. Never be the plus sign. Stark white. And even then I so desperately wanted it to be over. I so desperately wanted to be pregnant, I would periodically pull the test out the trash and see if magically lines would appear. They never did. I went from my most hopeful, highest highs to my lowest low. I would tell myself I cant do this no more. I would tell myself that this isn't the time. And I was a bitch. Essentially I pumped full of hormones and then getting my heart broke. Every month.. Wow you have awesome follicles, your lining is amazing. And then nothing. I wonder how did my marriage survive that? What made my husband stay. His sperm count was good. I was the problem and I knew that. I was the younger wife. The suppose to be fertile wife. And not only couldn’t I give him a child but I was a raging bitch to him. He's so kind, understanding and patient. He took everything in stride. Trust me I know there were times that he was cussing me under his breath… norman style. Like off of that movie.

I think to myself. We beat infertility. Dealt with a painful loss and now that we are essentially on the other side.. The winning side now shit falls apart. For so many years we had so much other stuff to focus on. We focused on trying to become parents. We focused on our loss, and trying again. Then surgeries and our second twin pregnancy. A set of premature twins. Nicu stay. Then newborn twins. Now my kids are 2 1/2. they are no longer sick. They are sleeping throughout the night for the most part. I have time. I have time to realize what I have been missing.

I feel like when you have kids, its very easy to fall into a roommate type situation. There was no intimacy. There was no quality together. We would parent together. And we would parent together well but when the kids went to bed we kind of did our own thing. When I started to be able to get enough sleep for my brain to full function again and I had time to sit with my thoughts. I realized just how unhappy I was. I felt unappreciated, unloved and not very sexy or desirable.

And im not gonna lie, my feeling fell on death ears for a while.. Long enough for me to look into apartments. Being totally honest here, I had threatened to leave a few times. I think after you threaten something so many times it kind of loses its scariness. But when I actually set up appointments and found a apartment that I liked shit got real serious. When I told him I would date other people and he knew I meant it, he not only started listening but also started taking notes.

It was hard at first. I didn’t know how to handle the new changes. Honestly somedays I felt smothered from all the attention. I was also kind of still angry and resentful. Why did it take for me to sign a lease for a apartment for someone to get their shit together. Ya know? I was also very hesitant that this was something short term and nothing that would last. He had to learn balance and I had to learn to let him help. I had to relearn how to take compliments again, and not hold grudges.

Over time there was a shift. He was bringing me home flowers weekly. My vase is never empty now. (although I suck super hard at keeping any type of flower alive, I told him those $5 flowers from walmart can really make my day somedays) We make it a point to eat dinner together.. No phones. Just us and our kids. And we watch at least 1 show together nightly. Which almost always includes cuddling and him rubbing my back. I wake up to good morning texts. Notes on the coffee pot. He sends me songs that remind him of me. And in turn that makes me want to keep the house cleaner. It makes me want to cook his favorite meals more often. I also leave him little notes. And in doing all this, it has helped our sex life tremendously. We always made time for that before, but its just better now. I feel way more connected.

I thought my marriage was over. It was doomed. I tried for so long to fix it and then realized I couldn’t be the only one to fix it. Just when I had one foot out the door he pulled me in and gave me a whole new perspective, a breath of fresh air. I smile more now. I feel more beautiful. I don’t feel like I need to seek the attention of others cause I'm getting more then enough at home. I laugh more. I'm more laid back. And I'm happy again. He's happy. We found happiness together …. Again. This is better then the just started dating butterflies. He has seen my darkest days. The blackest part of my soul. He has seen me at my lowest, ugliest, meanest self and still chooses to fight for me. Still chooses to love me. After 12 years together we have managed to fall in love again, in a completely different way.

[wantbabybump]

Mommy guilt.

Life as a single mom to twins for most of the month is hard. I'm non stop going from the time my kids wake til I finally force myself to stop doing stuff and sleep. My whole day seems filled with neccessary tasks like changing diapers and making food. That at the end of the night as I finally lay in my bed I ask myself "did I play with them enough today, how many times did we actually do the flash cards and picture book today, I should of let them play in the bath longer cause they love playing in water". Don't even get me started on the massive amounts of guilt surrounding outside play.

Often I let the day get to me. I'm constantly just doing something and then figuring out what needs done next. And I'm sure most of you moms know the list of tasks can be never ending. I'm quick to rush through our morning routine to get to nap time. Only to feel guilty for counting down the minutes til nap time. When they wake its lunch time, diaper changes.. etc and I can't wait for the quiet hour. But 5 minutes after I close their door guilt hits me. By the time bedtime rolls around especially on bath days I'm so mentally and physically exhausted I can't get out of their room quick enough to just sit for five minutes. Again I feel horrible. For rushing out. For just wanting time alone. I fought so hard to have them and to be their mom and now 19 months in I'm just drained.

Mom guilt is real yall. Honestly I don't know how full time single moms who have to work does it. Many kudos to you all. Me I can't even imagine piling a job into my already crazy life.

I just keep telling myself "your doing the best you can and that's all you can do". Does anyone else struggle with mommy guilt?

[wantbabybump]

Third baby.

As I sit here listening to my husband snore but can't sleep cause my mind is flooded with thoughts and choices. I can't fall asleep even though I know I have a phone consult at 6 am with my fertility Dr. The plan was to discuss another transfer. But does the plan ever work out.. well sometimes. I have a precious set of twins to prove that. As I did much needed and probably way too much soul searching this weekend. I finally came to peace with the conclusion baby 3 was never in the cards for me. Now I can dwell and be bitter about this for multiple reasons or I can simply accept it and count my blessings that I have received.

People look at my husband and me crazy when we tell them yes we've contemplated a third baby. Even after everything we went through and we were blessed with a son and daughter. What they don't understand is we have four remaining embryos that we feel like need a chance. We have four more babies we are responsible for.  Whether that's us adding to our family or us blessing someone with a family. What they don't understand is looking at how amazing your kids are that you created and not wanting to give that away in a sense. You want to be selfish. You want to enjoy all the fruit of your labor. After all I did have multiple surgeries, did hundreds of shots and lived through hell for these babies. And I'm just suppose to hand them over and be a okay. I'm told I haven't met the person yet. Cause once I meet her it will feel like the other ice babies will already feel like hers. They they were meant to be her kids. Only time will tell.

I just think about how life would be do drastically different if I didn't have certain issues. Infertility robbed me of so much. And even though I have my rainbow toddlers now, it's still controlling my life. It's still robbing me of chances for another baby. I don't have the luxury of just stopping when I don't want to wipe asses anymore. I didn't have the choice.

I tried to convince myself that maybe a third is in the cards. I tried to talk myself into doing and just hoping for the best . But honestly physically I don't think it's such a good idea. And that's heartbreaking. I just feel completely broken all over again. I need to close this chapter though. My kids don't deserve a half ass mother who just lays around all day dwelling on stuff out of her control.

So tomorrow I will let go. Let go of the thought of a third child. Let go of the feeling of missing out. Let go of stuff I can't control and be present, there and loving for the 2 ultra special forever loved blessing I was blessed with.

💕

[wantbabybump]

Anxiety

Anxiety is ordering sleepy time tea for the babes in hopes of everyone getting some sleep.

Waiting for it to show up.

Wait for bedtime.

Make the tea. Give the tea. Take the tea away for fear of some bad ingredients.

Anxiety is waiting for your babes to fall asleep.

Watch them sleep.

Lay down. Then check on them every 20 minutes. For fear of some bad side effects.

Anxiety robs me of the little sleep I would be able to get. For fear. Fear of everything.

[wantbabybump]

The Truth.

What people dont tell you about motherhood is that it can come with a profound amount of sadness. In a world full of social media and everyone wanting to portray themselves in the best light possible cause people are so judgemental and opionated now a days. We dont see the real picture. We see pregnancy announcement, but we dont see the anxiety that comes with announcing cause maybe thats her rainbow baby. We see the maternity pictures but we dont see the girl thats struggling with her changing body and finding ways to love her new self. We see the just born pictures but we dont see the fear that comes with not knowing what to expect. we dont see the amount of pain a woman is still in cause they are pressing on her tummy every few hours. We see the coming home photos. But we dont realize that the dad drove 2 miles a hour just make it safe. We see the newborn photos but we dont see the shots where the baby cried for a hour, where they peed all over the dad. And we definitely glamourize the first few months. When you think of a newborn you think of a squishy little baby that eats and sleeps. You dont think of the fact that you will live off of broken sleep for however many months. You dont realize as a first time mom that you will be afraid to leave your baby long enough to shower but then feel like utter crap cause you havent showered. You have to learn to not be selfish. Sure maybe you were married but you didn't put all your needs.. even basic needs above your husband. You now have someone who comes first always and forever. And while thats a "burden" taken gladly its still a adjustment. No one tells you how hard its going to be. They will say "wait til you have a baby, enjoy that sleep now". But you just dont realize exactly what that means til your in the thick of it a week in going on 2hours of broken sleep a day and still have no time for yourself. No one tells you how lonely it will be. Even though you have added another person to your house its so lonely. That little squishy has you tethered to your home especially if its a winter baby. You think that you will finally fit in with your friends but they will be to busy for you and your needs. After all they have kids already. Your husband will be working most of the day, come home want to eat, play with squishy and want to sleep. Even though he didn't get up with the babe all night he probaly heard him crying and still didn't get a decent night of rest.

No one tells you just how emotionally taxing it can be. When you dont have kids and think about the thought of it. You think about the unconditional love. You dont realize the anxiety, stress, and self inflicted pressure that you will put yourself through. Emotionally you think that adding a baby will be nothing but joy and love to your life. But its kind of like picking traits in a game or skill points. If you start off with three like say social, confident, outgoing. You need to minus something to make room for the parenting trait if that makes sense. You cant have it all. Maybe eventually as the squishy gets older, motherhood begins to be in a groove and babe sleeps longer. But the first few months you wont even have the energy to be social or motivation to reach out to people. No one tells you how it has effected their marriage. Its not all lets look at this beautiful babe that we created together. Its placing blame on something that was no ones fault. Its critizing the other cause they aren't doing it the "right way". Its fighting cause you dont think one is doing enough to help. Or its fighting cause one is being overbearing or controlling. When in all reality the fights are fear. Fear of not knowing what your doing. The fights are a result of not enough sleep and everything is bound to upset you. The fights are two people trying to learn to live and be in love in a completely different way then what they pictured in their head. Ive never wanted to end my marriage as much as I did in the first year. Looking back now was most of what I was upset about completely justified, probably not. Was the lack of sleep and always feeling helpless clouding my feelings and attitude very much so. The first year your body still goes through changes. Hormonally things have to level back out. There will be crazy period patterns. Hair loss. Physicaly your body will be different point blank. Unless your a one in a million unicorn who poops out a baby and then looks like a model. But you will probably have weight you want to lose but who has time. When you do lose it your stomach will still be soft. Much softer then it ever was as your old "fat self". Pregnancy weight gain then weight loss will most like give you some type of stretchmarks. Not even just on your tummy. Your hair will always have a coat of dry shampoo in it. And you will probably hate your body. You will think your husband hates your body. But does he hate your body.. not a chance in hell. If anything you have gave him the greatest gift he will ever recieve and to him that will just be sexy. Sexy will look different in your relationship. Sexy wont be lingerie and candle light dinners. Sexy will be a frozen pizza and you wearing his shirt in some yoga pants. What you thought of sexy when you would think of your husband will change also. Sexy will be him watching the baby so you can take a bath and wash your hair and shave your legs. Sexy will be him taking a night feed. Sexy will be him offering to change a stinky diaper. I know this probably sounds all negative and you probably think jeeze why even have a baby this sounds terrible. But let me tell you all the good and the love definitely out weighs anything I wrote here. And theres a light and once you get a routine and you get use to your new life and embrace it. Once you become confident in your parenting motherhood will be amazing. I wrote this not to scare people. I wrote this so moms who are pregnant, moms who have had kids, wives who want to have a baby they know that their feelings aren't uncommon or that they are horrible cause they feel that way. Its okay if you didn't enjoy motherhood at first cause you were overwhelmed and scared beyond belief with whats the right decisions. Its normal to feel these feelings. I remember my first few months home alone with my squishies i felt so isolated. I felt like I didnt know anything. I felt like everything I did was wrong. Every decision I made I second guessed later on. And most of all I felt judged. I felt like everyone was looking at me and just waiting for me to mess up so they can rub it in... I've had 3 kids.. do it this way. That's so wrong. Instead of encouraging me. And saying in my experience this seems like a easier approach to the situation you should try it and see what you think. People are to opinionated now a days. They like to tell you whats  you did wrong but they dont want to take the time to show you a better way. They want to tell you that your mother this is expected of you. They dont like to think back to their first baby. I just want to let you know. You are not alone. Your feelings are valid. Things will get better.

[wantbabybump]

Well. Well. Well.

Alot has happened since I last posted. My last post was about embarking on my FET.

So I did the transfer... and conceived twins! After a stressful pregnancy and early delivery I now have a gorgeous son and daughter.

I know I kind of skipped past all of this stuff here. But pregnancy made me a nervous wreck. I didn't like talking about being pregnant for fear of jinxing it. Then the babes came early and life happened.

They are now 10 months old and we are beyond happy. I'm still amazed and in shock after all this time that I beat infertility. That I have 2 kids who love and adore me. That after 10 years of pain, sadness and hell I've made it to the other side. And time is flying. So quickly their 1st birthday is approaching. I can't believe how quick time is going. I want to relish in every single second cause it took so long to get here but I blink and it's bedtime and another day down.

So that's my update after all this. A good happy loving forever grateful update.

Now that things have calmed down some I hope to write more often.

💕

[wantbabybump]

[wantbabybump]

Life isn’t Fair!

As I embark on my FET (frozen embryo transfer) and the potential to be pregnant again I feel anxious. Anxiety is something I've never really dealt with until the loss. I remember waiting to check in for ultrasound to see if it was going to be a viable pregnancy and just feeling like I was going to pass out. My heart was racing, I was obviously scared, overwhelmed and tried to have some hope. Although deep in my gut I knew it wasn’t going to be good news. I thought for sure miscarriage, never even considered a ectopic. Hearing my babies had a good solid heartbeat destroyed me. It destroyed my soul. That day I became someone else. The 100% against abortion had to get an abortion just hours later. I wish it would have been as "easy" as a miscarriage. Knowing your children were otherwise healthy just in the wrong spot is devastating. It took me almost 10 years to get that pregnancy. Hundreds of shots, ultrasounds, blood draws, procedures to test everything and for what to get an abortion. I paid thousands of dollars to have a pregnancy just to pay thousands to abort one?? How was this fair? It wasn't…Lesson of 2015 life isn't fair! People said at least you know you can get pregnant now…NO I DON’T…I know my tubes can get pregnant…I have yet to have a healthy uterus pregnancy. Just when you think things cant get any worse they do. I was originally told you will never be able to healthily deliver a child. Then found out maybe I could with a simple surgery…well that simple surgery turned into a bowel perforation, an open wound, closing of the wound, ct guided drain, an infection in that, another surgery to clean out the infection almost a year after losing my angel babies I am finally able to try again. After all this I get to try again and for that I am grateful. Its just heart breaking I waited all this time put all this effort into having a baby, getting pregnant and I wont even get to enjoy my pregnancy. For those that think I will you are a fool. Every second will be filled with fear, doubt, waiting on the next appointment I probably wont breath easy until that baby is in my arms. I've considered not telling anyone that I'm pregnant til birth. I've considered forgoing the babyshower and do a meet and greet after cause that's how bad pregnancy freaks me out now. We were so excited with the first pregnancy we told everyone we knew EARLY and I feel like I jinxed myself. Im sure logically one didn't have to do with the other but emotionally I shouldn't of told people I should of waited. I still hate telling people about my loss (dr's, nurses etc) all I get is pity. I hate pity. I hate poor you, how are you still smiling, how do you get through. Like I have a choice?? I would rather a simple I'm sorry and lets move on. Dwelling gets us no where. It makes you stuck in the same emotions that I was feeling a year ago, endless bottomless sadness. I don’t want that. Yes it's still sad yes it still sucks but life goes on.

[wantbabybump]

Finally… Wednesday we do blood work and ultrasound to hopefully start our FET. If all looks well then Wednesday night I begin Lupron.

We are also in the process of moving. It really seems as though when it rains it pours. But at least these are good rain showers.

[wantbabybump]

💜💚💛💙💜💚💛💙

[wantbabybump]

I just want to be happy again... and feel like me. It just feels like a dark cloud is constantly over me. I've never felt so broken and sad. I don't even know how to begin to repair this. I just thought by now everything would be fine.

[wantbabybump]

Most nights I go to bed feeling sad. I should have twins keeping me up at night not this horrible sadness of feeling empty. Does it ever get better?