wavveyj

[wavveyj]

“My soul bares great weight while my mind roams beyond & elsewhere. I look at your eyes, while mine are glazed over. I reek of sadness & agony mixed with anger & anguish. Yet my smile & words indicate & persuade that what you see is not at all but rather fiction. Bleeding from within, I take a drag & hit the gas passing by places & people while my heart sank deeper. My mind racing with thoughts & delusions as my eyes roamed that I didn’t see that beautiful Northern Red Oak tree I was heading straight toward… Darkness surrounds me as the sound of a buzzing filled my ears. I close & open my eyes to see that through the delusional & racing thoughts I found myself to have finished the race but not have crossed the finish line. As I lay there I feel numb, as numb & the same as I did above. I heaved a sigh smiling to realize there, here, anywhere my closest friend is there waiting to for me”…

[wavveyj]

“A quiet & distant land, I roam about feeling numb down to my bones. Moving through with no purpose not in search of such but rather the peace my mind or soul has never felt. Death & suicide held me through it all, warping the perception of the life & light that once was. Those closest seeing another me they never seen haunts them as do my thoughts that consume me from within. I stop in my footsteps, the summer wind blows while the trees leaves rustle. I hear an American Robin & Red-winged Blackbird chirping a distance away as I see the clouds pass on by. I light a smoke feeling euphoric, immersed among the living while the sun above shined light down towards me. I grin in the warmth of the sun & tranquility that surrounded me. As I bask in the sun I walk further viewing nature all around me interacting, existing. I take a pull exhaling the smoke above me closing my eyes feeling alone with the sky above, the soil below, and I out here. As I open my eyes the surrounding was bleak, with myself not being where I was anymore. The void that led me astray, the void I learned to love, the void was where I reside now. The woods I dream of now is where my last breath was taken, where my last sight was seen, where my last thoughts were thought as I felt myself slip into the abyss that was waiting for me all along. I smirk feeling the tree’s bark against my skin, the clouds float by, life continuing all around me as mine slips from my lips”…

[wavveyj]

Restlessness

"A bitter cold night while the wind howled outside. So desolate, not a soul but mine in sight yet even so I didn't feel right as I roamed through the night restless. I felt less than whole, less than what I felt before. Before I realized the distance or change that had come between us it had taken its toll taking more than I could give. I was swallowed whole sinking into a hole of anger, disbelief, and loneliness. I would reach for you but even as I call your name, I get no reply but a stare back at me. You reach for my hand and as you pull me close, as I hold you in my arms time & the wind around us stop. No sound downtown or eastbound. It was just the two of us but I feel a piece of me be taken from me as you stab me in the back while I was holding you. I hold you close and feel the knives blade go deeper. I look into those soft yet mysterious eyes I fell for. Running my hand through your hair and thereafter around the curve of your face. Our lips lock, as my heart sinks like a rock seeing this was the end. I fall back descending, my eyes closed but I see you in my every dream. Deep in a dream I relive what we shared, the good & the bad I want to remember it all. The one I fell for and held so close to me how could this be? How could love fade or change as do seasons? Looking up to the lonely yellow moon I ask for understanding & peace during this fall but am left unspoken to & broken beyond repair. Wandering into the dark feeling bluer than blue could be”.

[wavveyj]

“A few words, felt like swords had been stabbed into me. I was speechless, feeling less than I ever thought I could be. Like a lude image what was said replayed in my mind tormenting making me feel as if my body, mind, soul have become dormant. I had lost track of what was said after “having doubts”.. I was lost after hearing these words slip from those strawberry lips that I loved to kiss & bite. I was lost in an abyss believing what is was soon to be what once was. The thought of it brought an agony that words could not describe but rather the image of seeing you, the one I truly love leave. The grip of our hands loosening, your eyes looking elsewhere, your voice becoming quieter, I felt myself slipping beneath it all as I saw you walk away with everything I’ve given to be left half full/half empty. Shattered in pieces beyond repair, scattered & in misery that I remained below the depths watching from the outside in. I had but one piece left through it all and left it there wandering into the night wanting to be out of sight and away from it all. I wander the streets late into the night wondering what I did or I didn’t do to be here but have no answer. Under the moon I ask for a clue but get no reply other then a blue cold shoulder.. Teary eyed, feeling in a bind I seek to find out the crime that has killed my love but find that I have been stabbed by the one I only ever loved. I digress”…

[wavveyj]

[wavveyj]

Hallow

"Time goes on by as do the clouds... It felt like a merry-go-round but with no sound to be heard near here or anywhere. The lonesomeness that consumes me. The desire to reach out to break away from the cycle yet feel myself being pulled back towards the ever so darkness that I have surrounded myself with takes me back. The one I love, the one whose heart I've given has left as so has light from above. Those around me who I loved to have all but vanished with time not seeing me for me but a hallow version of what once was... The pain & agony is visible with the naked eye when you look into my, as you look or listen to what I share there's this desire to die. Neglected and left abandoned I seek no one for they all have left, even those who said would not. I look to my right & left to see pitch black and the lack of anything but my own voice and the voices of the darkness whispering louder than before. Death, despair, do I dare say misery? The mystery of what consumes me & will take me to the other plain is will be the greatest mystery in history. I'm bleeding now, slowly but surely as I feel a warm, wet feeling trickle down my arms. The war that rage from within was carnage unlike any other with every dream being where I see the end and living is a nightmare that I have to stare at each and every day. The carousel comes to a stop, as does the bleeding.. A winter wind blows and the sound of old machinery creeks at a distant. Wind chimes & tree's follow creating what felt like a mesmerizing sound, almost in a trance. On auto pilot I wander the empty space, wondering what is to come from all of this and pondering what was next. I close my eyes listening to the leaves dance with the gentle breeze swaying the branches left to right.. I go to sit and lay up upon the few tree's there were. The Beech and oak trees stood tall and their base wide enough to rest upon. I look down to see the damage committed admitting that it was too late for a blue fella. Hanging on by a thread I call those I love but hear a dial tone that i've learned to grow use of... I laid motionless for some time bleeding out slowly, one pill after another, time felt to have slowed down alongside with the wind. Teary eyed in a whim the blue boy writes his final thoughts and feelings only to see it be taken by the winter wind. Looking up, the grey clouds casted displaying a grim and gloomy surrounding. During this, I think one last time of what could be or should've been, but death and depression have taken what little I have during my time and then some. Not whole but in pieces, I pull out the .22 piece from my coat pocket clicking the hammer back wishing that I could go back and see another way out or way of living but that was all but a dream, a phantasm. I look up once more closing my eyes while hearing the winter wind blow. I pull the hammer back and off I went as the gun did. An echo to be heard but not one to be discovered by any. A blue man that so many knew but a blue boy that so little few knew. In search of something new, he could never find a clue as to where to begin but rather how to end. I digress”...

[wavveyj]

We sit on a wasteland of fallen stars, shards of ochre dusting the ground as we watch the overlapping waves thrust themselves with abandon against the great crumbling rocks of earth. For a moment I feel as though the world is slipping away, sliding against its axis, burning atoms into the sky. Time runs from me, coarse sands slipping out of grasp as I cup your face in my hands.

[wavveyj]

Just love me. Do you love me?

BECOMING JANE 🍂 2007 | dir. Julian Jarrold

[wavveyj]

“Bitterness in my eyes, bitterness in my heart. The lines & scars are what bars I see through everyday life. Not caged but my mind. It’s a crime yet I wallow in this pit, a pity party one could say, another a lost man. So much great & good around yet I crash and burn with anger and distaste. I don’t want to be here anymore.. I can’t phantom the lonesomeness that consumes me, the pain & agony that eats me, the heavy rain above me that is suicidal ideation & schemes. I scream but that was all in my head. I just smile & laugh as I crumble piece by piece. The very least I could do is speak out, get away from the rut but it’s like my shadow, it follows everywhere I go.. Just one swift slide, a click, an attempt, I’ve dreamt of the day day and night. I’m not feeling right and the light above that was bright has gone dim to dull. My emotions & optimism with it. I lay awake when all are asleep. The walls begin to cave in, the view of the outside fades, and the feeling of falling rushes through my veins. The darkness that I fall down to, where I grew & learned to love. I am surrounded by the ones I know, and the voices I hear. I am but a skeleton man roaming. Roaming the nights & woods wishing to have known peace or what that could be but his lifeless body is but gone with the wind that one summer day. The summer wind blew as the tree’s swayed and leaves danced that guy came in & never left but laid & grew amongst it all. An echo was heard but like a tree when one falls, does anyone ever hear it or see it? I digress disappearing to roam after putting an end & one to the dome. Under the sun & blue skies, being bluer than blue could be I vanished without a clue but ever so blue”…

[wavveyj]

“All my problems stem from me. My problems are aided by me. My desires to reach & see the other side are a lust by me. I lay awake paralyzed, teary eyed while clenching my teeth. Fists balled up as I swing and pummel my fists against the unbreakable to break something, to feel.. I only feel the vibration that comes from the striking. Fighting the darkness that consumes me is a war already lost. Lost in this abyss, I fight an enemy that I can’t see but feel & hear. I can’t bare no more yet prevail foolishly towards a light that doesn’t exist. The noose around my neck tightens, the seas waves crash while the sky is brightened by the afterglow. Hearing the seagulls & other sea birds I see nothing but the deep blue sea. I see the abyss that I’ve been consumed by.. As the palm tree’s swayed, the blade did so. A quiet gasp as I grasp the blade tighter. The fighter I was is no more but rather a fellow who wanted to feel just a little lighter. Tormented by thoughts, self pity, pain, agony, despair, I was beyond repair. I kick it and swing gasping for air but feel the blue’s & death sharing it’ll be okay to give. I’ve given all of me with nothing left but to descend towards the place I grew to hate & love. Lifeless I swing as blood seeps uncontrollably. I look from below but that light is taken so sudden. I’m comforted by the blue’s & darkness that surrounds me. Never to be seen or found but just lost to the abyss seeking just once pure bliss”.

[wavveyj]

“Why prevail. Why dwell in the shackles & cell I’ve learned to love & call home? Just one bullet to the dome and I’ll be able to roam with no barrier or restriction. A sense of final peace while beneath with the beast. A feast to last us an eternity for the darkness & I to bask. I smile with glee to see I’ve been liberated from the chains, a last in the abyss that I was destined to be.. My hands have gone cold, my breathing shallow, I swallow another pill to aid but it felt to have brought a raid into my brain. Blood stained notebook paper, I finish what I was writing, heaving a deep sigh. I reach for the .9 knowing it was time to see & say night. Under the moons, stars, and clouds. A distant wind then passes on by while distant crickets chirp. The wind blows bringing the barrel to my temple. It was so simple, a glimpse of what was & could be pass. The trigger clicks back, laying back against the tree’s I see the last sights around me & without fight pull hearing a ringing sound & then fading into black. It echoes through the woods where all stood still. The world continued, so did life but for the blue boy that night under the moon was a night he’d never forget. At peace, deceased, I smiled with glee seeing the final scene wasn’t so far anymore.. Goodbye”.

[wavveyj]

“Late as all could be, the blue fella finds himself staring at the moon & stars while tears roll down his face. The burning sensation as they rolled down, I was down under fire so I felt as I laid there looking above. Trying to surpass the current dilemma, surpass the darkness that surrounds me but find I am surrounded. The voices speak mystical tales of peace & tranquility. Sirens luring sailers to their death as said in mythical times I was mesmerized. A piece for me to go & peace would flow through me as these pills, substances do. The wax crescent moon glowed ever so slightly, I press the blade across swiftly while exhaling. There was no bailing, but rather felt myself derailing. Losing control, losing sense of who I am or should be.. I bled slowly but heavy. I take another benzo, one for the road so I thought feeling that I have sold my life away. The tears fade, as my life begins to fade & under the moon a clouds casts shade hiding the glow of the moon. Not soon after, the sound of an echo rings through the late night as the city sleeps. The cut so deep, I seep into the abyss that has been waiting. The echo fades & smoke coming from the barrel as it flops out of hand fill the air. The wind howls, the tree’s sway & leave dance reminiscing the sound of waves. So alone yet surrounded by so many, I drifted into the night out sight of all. Under the moon, with no clue & to some so soon, the blue fella became missing & never seen again. Life began & continued while the memory of I fades.. Never to be found, never to have heard or made a sound. Looking as above so below, the light from above fades while I become desolated. I drift away in the summer wind, smiling feeling at peace at last”…

[wavveyj]

“The summer wind blows, crows at a distant caw. Amongst all of the greenery I stand in awe. The feelings of raw pain & depression crash & engulf me. The tree’s sway as the leaves dance. The world & life itself continues while I stand still. Tears of appreciation come as my time has too.. The day so bright but my future & life out of sight. Never feeling right, never seeing the bright lights that surround me in an attempt to help & guide but I mearly sigh staring down towards my hands & the steel. The blade not so far, the pills so close, I tried & aros from the ashes only to be burned back down & to drown. To drown in the pity, agony, and pain that has consumed everything but me. Death & the dark holding me close, I felt to have been born in the dark not knowing anything but such. In no rush, I write & observe around me teary eyed but smiling all along. Knowing all along that this is how it would end. Being able to click send, I remember that those would no know & the whispers tell me so.. Rendering that the end & peace were so close. Xanax coursing through my veins, blood stains on my sleeves, I breathe slower & slower. Sinking to the depths of darkness I fell in love with. Dancing & seeing the fallen ones all waiting. The light disappearing, while bleeding the dark blood that courses in my body, staining the leaves & tree’s I see the sky & clouds pass on by.. I then hear the click & slink down. Low & below, the sun sets, the birds sing their evening songs, and I lay at rest feeling what felt like best.. A piece that the blue’s never took but that I did. Surrounded by the living but never feeling as if I did the same, it all came to an end that was foreseen much as seasons change there was no chance at change. .357 left behind, the encrusted blood blade stained, the pills, the world stood still for just a moment. My last breath is taken as I’m taken into the abyss that I’ve grown to love. Grown to know. Knowing nothing but the black plague that awaited me all this time… Goodbye”.

[wavveyj]

[wavveyj]

“If only there was a way, to say, below the suns rays that I wasn’t the way I should be. Blade across the skin, filleting me feeling something & feeling nothing all at once. Another ounce of me poured out to never be recovered but told to endure & simply endeavor the pain that isn’t seen. To keep sane I take another one, and another but feel closer to the darkness that fulfills me, consumes me. Slipping into the abyss, I feel the dark red blood seep from my wounds, no sounds or cries but a sigh as it drips & drops. Popping yet another pill, I lay still breathing in slow and I sink down below. Bleeding slowly, I smile reaching for a number to dial but rather find comfort in dying. Heaving and sighing I lay my head back shutting my eyes as I die slowly, alone as I always dreamed. It seemed so peaceful as the wind blew, as the trees swayed, I was gone away with the wind… A kind fella whose blue’s made him bluer than blue could be but never left or gave a cue to what troubled him. No clues left but a life taken by theft, by my own hands. Like quicksand I sink into the earth with no trace, no case, simply a fella who left in a haze & daze”..

[wavveyj]

[wavveyj]

“Silencer on the pistol so it won’t make a sound. One round in the magazine, itching for a benzodiazepine. A bar, a blue, a blue fella that was last seen wandering on these cold hearted streets. Living & passing by the grit of his teeth. Wishing to be beneath, but I’m already lower & bluer than blue could be. My mental state all in a jumble, I sit in the dark and mumble with the tears the burn my skin roll past down my face. Loneliness consuming the little I have, the pain & agony taking the rest, I lay motionless without emotion. The soft rain to remind me that I’m still there & present but not present with the times. Auto pilot mode, I rode off into the night out of sight with a knife. My life felt trifling driving out to the place to never be found. One round, one blade, one life yet it felt that life was a movie and that the screen would one day go black with no sound or finally but a round to the temple that made everything for once simple. Asking for the minimal but never was heard. I lay back now against the tree‘s, taking another blue to numb the overwhelming pain or to keep me sane but as the wind blew so did the gun too.. An echo that rang, the birds sang, and with a smile a song sang out while I laid motionless. Never to feel the emotions that tormented & took pieces from me but to sink to the bottom where I always was rotting away while time passed. A blue fella, never to be found but to have been around town never ever looking down but bright & upright only to find out that he was never right… Goodbye”.