wealmostknewwhatlovewas14-blog

[wealmostknewwhatlovewas14-blog]

I still miss him.  It’s been two years.

I’ve moved on, but I miss him. 

[wealmostknewwhatlovewas14-blog]

He got married. To some British woman whom he had met in Toronto when she was here a while back.

The summer after my first year of college was weird.  The very last day of class, which happened to be his class- well my best friend and I had schemed some fantastic plan that would give him and I a chance to be alone. Until another student ruined it. It was almost like the other student knew not to leave us alone. He ended up basically running away. He knew there was something going on and he was avoiding it.  Right after that bestie and I went to Boston Pizza (our usual bar of choice) the one downtown, somewhere on King I think. We had a few drinks, sangria to be exact, while we sat on the patio talking about how our year had gone from being about school to about crushes. We each had a crush on someone we couldn’t have.  As we were sitting there, creeping our dream lovers on Facebook she reminded me that I could add him now. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was the excitement and adrenaline from talking about him but I sent a request.

Sure enough I would spend the rest of the evening waiting to see a response. Every time I would check, there would be nothing, no acceptance, but also no denial.

I don’t remember why, but my roommate wasn’t home that night. She had probably gone home or something before her summer courses started. So I was by myself and I remember continuing to drink once I was home. I probably watched a movie, or TV or something before bed.  Eventually I had fallen asleep, but I woke up around 2 AM for no real reason. So what did I do? I grabbed my phone. 

There is was. 

The notification that would send my summer into a spiraling stream of obsession.  

He had confirmed me as a friend. 

There it was. His social history just sitting there, for me to see. For me to creep. His personal life was finally within reach. 

I don’t remember if I called my best friend then or waited for the next day. All I remember is when I told her, she told me that she had gotten her crushes number. We both felt like we were on top of the world. 

Throughout the summer he would like posts of mine, sometimes he would even like comments I had made on my own posts in conversations with other people. He was clearly intrigued by me. As I was of him, I would like the occasional post, especially ones that pertained to things we had talked about. I would even tag him in the occasional post. Looking back, it was probably pretty weird. 

When he started talking about his trip to the UK I assumed he was just looking for adventure. When an old friend of his commented on one of the posts about making plans I wasn’t worried. I had already creeped her after she had commented on one of his photos, to check out my competition and to make sure he actually was single. She had been to Toronto I assume to work abroad for a year. She lived in the UK and seemed to have a boyfriend.  I was wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong.  At first when he was posting pictures of London and other places he had visited it all seemed normal vacation-ee stuff. Then they met up. A lot of pictures included her. One in particular involved some caption about how something good had happened. 

Even after he came home she continued to comment on his stuff more frequently than before, and he would tag her in things, that before he would leave open. Things I would usually comment on. 

It must have only been a couple weeks later he had posted about giving up his Tinder account. 

I knew right in that moment what that meant. He was promising her something. 

When second year started I would still see him around. His office was moved to where the other profs from our program had their offices. Which meant we would be seeing a lot of each other because my friends and I often hung out at the tables in front of those offices. Once we met all of our teachers I learned that one of them (the one who would play a huge part in my life after college) happened to his best friend. So they would get me to tell each other things when they would cancel on each other and what not. Or when one of them wanted to say something mean (jokingly) to the other. 

For the next year I would see my crush around, and he would spot me places and always come and say hi. He gave me advise on philosophy papers and was excited to talk Noam Chomsky with me. When I graduated he wrote me a recommendation letter, and he probably still would today. 

He was interested to know where I was going next, and was somewhat less excited when I told him I was moving to Thunder Bay than my other profs. 

At this point, I wasn’t over him. I was hoping that something would go wrong with his London Lover, and he would come running to me. Hell, I’d be a rebound. Eventually she came to visit and he would go back to visit her. It seemed every chance they got they were together. 

When I moved away, I still kept in contact with him. He eventually told me that he was leaving the school, as were most of my other profs, and that he was moving to the UK once his visa went through. 

Sure enough about two years after his first trip to visit her they got married.  He lives there now. I think he is happy. He certainly looks it in all of the pictures he is always posting. 

I like the occasional one, he likes the odd thing I post.  I am sure that if I were to message him he would respond. But it sort of seems silly at this point. 

There is no way he didn’t know how I felt. There is no way he has any feelings for me. Maybe if I consider getting  my masters in Philosophy of language I will give him a shout. 

For now I have moved on. I live on a different continent. I left first too. who knows what would have happened had I have stayed, but I’m not even sure it matters.  To be frank, I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I hope to tell my story one day, and when that day comes he will be a part of it. A fairly big one even if he was only my teacher for a year. He taught me more than he will ever know.  He helped lead me to success whether he meant to or not. 

He’s married now, maybe because he was trying to run away from me, the way I ran from him. maybe I influenced him too. 

[wealmostknewwhatlovewas14-blog]

8 months. A slow but steady weight loss. Gone down 5 pant sizes and lost 30 lbs.

[wealmostknewwhatlovewas14-blog]

Is this flirting??? I called him tree killer because he wasted a bunch of paper and I was flirting when I said it but I can't tell if he is being an ass, flirting, or both.... ughhhhh

[wealmostknewwhatlovewas14-blog]

I wonder if I will remember how I feel about him right now a year from now. Probably not, hopefully I forget him soon. I'd like to move on with my life. He can't love me, so why do I love him?

[wealmostknewwhatlovewas14-blog]

It was a Tuesday. September second to be exact. It was my first day of college, I had already had one class and a break. I had made a couple friends (one of which would later become my best friend), we were waiting for the professor. We were early because it was the first day and we had a break anyways. Little did we realize he would be late (everyday for the rest of the year). I am not going to lie when I made my time table and saw that 4 out of 5 professors were male, one of which I would see three times a week; I wanted one of them to be young and attractive. What twenty year old doesn't want a fling with their professor. Then he showed up. He looked like he couldn't have been over 35, and he had beautiful brown curly hair. I knew it. Right then. The second he unlocked the door and let us in. I found a seat with my friends and couldn't wipe the grin off of my face. I hadn't even heard him speak but I still managed to have the biggest crush on him I may have ever had on any person in the my entire life. That was when he spoke. My heart dropped, he sounded just like Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. Of course my first television crush. He even looked like him. At this point it didn't matter whether he was the best teacher or the worst teacher or the worst person on the entire planet. I was going to fall for him, hard. I did. I had him for another class on Mondays and Thursdays. I had forgotten about my crush on him by Thursday. It would actually be a couple of weeks before the real crush would hit.

Sure I had a crush, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. He was cute, established, and well a young professor. Who wouldn't have a crush on him?

Then it happened. He noticed me. I became more than just another student. Well not really but he asked us about things that we had learned outside of school and one of my friends piped up and said that I knew how to clean duck. Well he said goose, and I corrected him and from there on I would be bird girl. That would be the first time that he really acknowledged me but it wouldn't be the last. Alas a way to get closer to him.

We had some presentation about possible pathways with our program and some prof was talking about how they became a teacher and he was sitting in the room across from me and I swear I was probably watching him more than the speakers. When I should have been listening to the pathways and everyone's story all I could think about was how he got here. He was always using examples from all of these jobs he used to have, so how did someone with all of this experience from all of these different jobs end up teaching a class about the brain and how people learn, and a class about logic and arguments.

The first email-

Something asking him how he ended up here and then making up some excuse about how I didn't understand what was going on in one of his classes. I signed it my name and then bird girl in brackets so he would know who it was.

His response was professional as I assumed it would be. He told me about his thesis and how he got the job through networking. It was nothing to exciting until he told me that we could meet up outside of class to go over the stuff I didn't get. BOOHYAH! It was around now my friends caught on that I had a crush. So they decided that obviously as a group we should become the favourites. We did. One day after class we were all taking our time and making sure we would be the last ones out and we started teasing him about the fact that he didn't know anyone's names (with the exception of Kyle). He tried to play off that he knew our names. He got L.A. (who wouldn't?) and he already knew Kyle's. My turn, my heart is racing because I want to know if he actually knows my name or if he just knows me as  bird girl. Cassandra. He called me Cassandra, there wasn't even a Cassandra in class. The worst part was. It somehow made me like him more.

We were rounding our first test in Learning and the Brain and if I was going to pretend like I didn't get it so I could be alone with him it was now or never. So I sent another email asking when we could meet up and the plans were set to meet after class on Thursday.

We had a quiz, and I finished with half an hour to spare. I couldn't just sit and wait so I he told me to meet him at his office at 12. I did. Well I went and found his office and just sat there waiting, luckily there was another student from my class waiting too. We talked for a bit while we waited for him. She was writing a test, and he and I would work in a separate part of the office space so I still got to be alone with him. He basically completely wrote out all of the notes I already had while trying to explain them more in depth. I was thankful that I didn't actually need help because I was way to mesmerized by sitting so close to him. For a couple of things he needed examples so we talked about my life a little bit. We had a shared love of dogs. Little did I know that our love of dogs would be the best thing to have in common EVER. He also asked about my semester and I told him about how our Media teacher never taught us anything but how everything else was going well. I had English at 1 so our meeting sadly ended there and I raced to English so I wouldn't be late. Apparently running was a bad idea because it made me sweaty and red. My friends started assuming the worst, and of course that made me blush. Luckily I got it through there heads that nothing had happened. I had lied though, maybe nothing sexual happened but that meeting made me really fall for him. I was falling faster and harder then I ever thought possible.

A bunch of emails and staying after class to shamelessly flirt. There was no way he didn't know what was going on. He played dumb though and we set up another meeting. This time it was for our other class which I needed even less help in. Basically we just ended up talking the entire time. Talking so much we both got distracted and I missed English this time.

He was everything I wanted: he had a career, he loved dogs, he was funny but his sense of humour wasn't stupid comedy, he was attractive, he was smart, and he worked out. He started telling me about his online dating profile and how he sucked so bad at math when he would go on a date he never knew how to tip. I was looking for him to show signs of liking me back and he did. My friends never had a problem pointing out when he would do flirty things with me. I knew it couldn't be true though. Plus if I told myself that he liked me back. I would NEVER be able to pay attention in class again.

Honestly, I had fallen in love with my teacher. I found out he was 37, that is 17 years older than me and I didn't care. If he had asked I would have dropped out of school to be with him and in reality I didn't know very much about him. It was a problem, but I was working hard to impress him and that was getting me really good grades. When course selection for semester 2 came around I chose having him for two classes again instead of being with my friends. That should have been an alarm for me but it wasn't.

I finished semester 1 with a 3.94 GPA and that included an A and a A+ in his classes. Christmas break was the worst couple weeks of my life (except that I got Maya the best puppy ever). He was all I could think about. It didn't matter what I was doing I wanted to where ever he was. It was problematic. I was losing sight of myself because of a crush on a guy that would never have feelings for me. Sure it looked like he could feel the same way but he was doing his job.

Finally second semester rolled around. I had done my hair and wore a low cut shirt and I was prepared to see him at 3. He ran into me and a couple friends waiting for another class and he had stopped and his face had gone bright red, my heart was going so fast I could barely speak. I don't remember if we actually said anything or what we said if we did but we definitely looked at each other for a while.

After doing so well last semester I knew I couldn't pretend to need help. I didn't have anything to email him about either. I showed him pictures of my puppy sometimes after class. Once he brought up some Zombie Cat, and a Wiener dog pit-bull, and a giant pit-bull but we never really talked like we did first semester.

He still looks at me a lot in class and there is either a lot of eye contact or none to a point where it feels like he is avoiding it. I don't know if he finally realized that I have a crush or if he realized he was flirting with me. Things changed, and sometimes it feels like he still likes me. We talk about silly things, and he knows my name now and will actually use it. I see him pay attention to me in class. He laughs when I know the answer but only whisper it to my friends instead of saying it to everyone.

Does he like me?

Will he ever like me?

I guess it'll be a question I ask myself for the rest of my life. In a month he won't be my professor anymore, but I could never ask him. I'll just have to move on.