weeping-willows-tree

[weeping-willows-tree]

Five Hundred Thousand

Five in five hundred thousand It doesn't even really matter Five in five hundred thousand But the number sticks in my head Five in five hundred thousand Like a song you hate, always on repeat Five in five hundred thousand Honestly I'm not even that upset about it Five in five hundred thousand I just want to be able to use my hand again Five in five hundred thousand And the doctor said it would happen! Five in five hundred thousand He said it was manageable! Five in five hundred thousand So why am I still upset Five in five hundred thousand It's not even out of left field for me Five in five hundred thousand I always get the weird things Five in five hundred thousand "The surgeon I know is one of the ones who believes in it." Five in five hundred thousand "Believes" like it's in the same category as unicorns and dragons Five in five hundred thousand I hate doctor's offices I hate the way no one ever listens I hate hate hate

im so tired

[weeping-willows-tree]

Friends

I don't really have anyone to call a friend I have no clue how to make friends I'm not unhappy on my own But it would be nice to have someone to talk to The person I once talked to most My confidant Is a whole new person now A person with opinions that diametrically oppose mine I've been told I'm a good listener A good friend And yet I'm all alone I know I'm a bit of a shut-in I know it's definitely my fault But there are no laws against screaming into the void Even if the things I'm screaming about are my fault

[weeping-willows-tree]

Future

I am afraid of the future That's not special Plenty of people are But I might fear it more than most I don't want to be an adult I don't want responsibilities I'm terrified of needing to be independent I don't know how to be a human being It's like I missed a memo everyone else got I think I want to be a cosmetologist But I hate thinking about the future Because it scares me And I am nothing if not a coward So I have no real plans I can't outrun my problems forever I think they are starting to catch up to me

[weeping-willows-tree]

Deadlines

I'm not good at school I can never seem to turn things in on time I get overwhelmed so easily I know it's a mental health problem That it's a legitimate disability But I can't help but feel like it's my fault Some days it feels like my brain is soup in my head Some days I wake up and feel like I instantly drank 4 coffees I have no control over which day it is I have so much help And yet nothing I've tried helps even marginally I want a diploma I feel like I almost need one But I don't know if I'm capable The content isn't even hard for me And yet working on assignments feels like trudging through sludge Why is this so difficult for me? Why can't I just push through it? School is hard Facing my incapability is harder

[weeping-willows-tree]

Doctors

I feel like I'm being gaslit I feel physical health symptoms I go to the doctor As that is customary And they say "luckily, everything seems good!" No! Not Luckily! Tell me something is wrong! Point to something on your paper and say "Ah yes there is the problem, you're not just going coconuts" Because it kind of feels like I am! Also how am I supposed to use a pain scale where the baseline is something I can never remember having! No pain!? That's malarkey! Made up! Like unicorns and dragons! It's a myth! Is that a joke!? Are you doing a bit!? I am so tired It's 10 am and I'm going to bed Good night Good morning Whatever

[weeping-willows-tree]

Food

I can't tell when I'm hungry It's like my internal systems are faulty I can only tell I forgot to eat when I'm so hungry I'm nauseous Which makes me not want to eat Every time I go to the doctors They tell me I'm losing too much weight It makes me want to scream I'm trying! I'm trying more than you know! I can't help it! But I don't I just avoid eye contact and pretend I'm somewhere else I wish there was a way I could get nutrients without the experience of food But the worst part? Every time I went to the doctor as a kid They told me to lose weight Which is a pretty fucked up thing to continuously tell a kid But now that I have They're still mentioning my weight! In a different way, but still! Eating is like homework, like a reluctant task that must be carried out I wish I could have just one day where I felt fine Where I felt Normal

[weeping-willows-tree]

Volume

I am too loud Objectively However, If you met me in person, you would call me a liar Most people who have met me call me quiet They would look at you like you had three heads But the people who know me, they will tell you I am loud I try not to be, but I get distracted so easily I sit, and I think in my head "This time, this time I will control the volume I speak at" I never do My voice slowly raises as I get excited about the topic, and I love to debate, see the world through other eyes But I can get very passionate about those Topics And "passionate" is code for loud disruptive I hate it I Hate It I hate being loud I hate being disruptive I hate when people look at me I just want to be a shadow To see but never be seen But I just can't seem to shut my mouth I have so much to say, yet the idea of being heard mortifies me Well, only if it's associated with me, that is So I hide behind a screen and a keyboard You can't hear my loudness from here

[weeping-willows-tree]

Music

I adore music Though that is probably not a surprise I am a poet after all And what is music if not poetry meant to be heard I find that almost any music, if created by someone diligent in their craft, is lovely Anything can sink softly into peoples ears when someone puts their heart into it In my wildest dreams, I write songs The kind meant for the ears of others, instead of just my own I have always had a passion for video games, to have a hand in a soundtrack sounds perfect But that is mere fantasy So I will remain in a shadow Writing in my quiet corner of the internet The anonymity of it all is a relief In my mind, in the shade of a willow tree In reality, in the soft artificial light of my room The way my heart sings when I let it bleed into my keyboard Is like music to my ears

[weeping-willows-tree]

Warning

Sometimes I just know things I've been told my intuition is better than most It's kind of odd I'm not one to take stock in that sort of thing But sometimes it's kind of uncanny I tend to get lucky with strange consistency I tend to get a feeling when something bad will happen Even my birthday is supposedly a significant date It's very strange... If there is some kind of higher power out there, why pick me? I don't believe in anything of the sort after all and yet.. sometimes.. Sometimes I am a canary Trapped in this imposing coal mine of a world Made to warn but not to be able to heed their own call What a cruel fate

...

Maybe one day A miner will come across me Maybe they will find it in them to lend me one of their oxygen boxes Those miners really did care for those little birds But for now I will sing for all those who will listen Warn all those who will hear How odd it is then That I cannot hear my own birdsong

...

That is alright I've always embraced the silence and the stillness like an old friend Silence is well worn Familiar

...

For now.. I will sing my songs for everyone to hear Everyone but me that is I will sing until I lose my voice Until I lose these gut feelings I get Until my luck runs out I refuse to go silent Even if it condemns me to the fate of a forgotten canary in a cavern

...

I do so love to help I give all the advice I have Perhaps it is foolish to hope Perhaps I do not care Someone will follow my birdsong to the source And put me in a little oxygen box And one day Safe in my little box I will finally rest my voice

[weeping-willows-tree]

Nope

The only person The only thing That I can control Is myself Too bad I'm not a good listener

[weeping-willows-tree]

Alone

Being alone isn't so bad No, really I mean, it could definitely be worse But I am fine on my own, why do you worry? I really do miss them, but maybe we were doomed from the start I always did love those stories, the ones doomed by their authors, as the malevolent god that wielded their story cackled with a pen in hand Perhaps my author laughs too, or maybe they weep, just as I do Creators do mirror their creations after all Perhaps there is no author at all, does it even really matter? The thought does not bring me peace, I don't think I care if there is an author or not But I am alright, not at peace, but ironically I've made peace with that Are you at peace? Do you weep as I do? That... that would bring me peace To know that, maybe, I am not so alone after all Maybe, neither are you We can weep together

[weeping-willows-tree]

Scared

I am afraid I fear a great many things Right now? You For I pour my heart into my words, and a sharp hand could easily wrench it from my chest But I write these words not for me alone If I wish for my words to be a warm cup of tea, a cozy blanket for the cold, cold world, I must be brave I will be brave, and it starts here