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[welshflyingpig]

7 days since I used cocaine.

✌

Too tired to write much else. Don't think I need to really.

#cocainerecovery #cocaineaddiction #cocaine #soberity #sober #recovery #cleanliving #drugaddict #drugabuse #addiction #7days

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[welshflyingpig]

So I went into my wardrobe after a shower, and was searching for my ID when i came across 4 baggies, and a rolled up piece of paper. Now, here's the thing. I'm only on day 5. Day 5-8 are my worst days. That's why I only ever got to 8 days. I could literally taste the sweetness of it. The thought of opening one of those little bags onto the back of my many notebooks. Scraping my ID across it and lining myself up an absolute chunk. My eyes rolling into the back of my skull as euphoria takes over and puts me in my calm happy place. It's Friday night. I've just finished a 12 hour shift. I'm showered and clean and feeling good. You know I could drink a bottle of wine now, you know what that leads to. 4 bags. I'm itching right now. My head is literally going a mile a minute. It's 7:31pm. Just need to fight this craving. #drugs #drugabuse #drugaddict #cocainerecovery #cocaineaddiction #recovery #sober #soberity #happyplace #nacoticsanonymous https://www.instagram.com/p/CLNDuFjhASs/?igshid=19vcn6qqi4me9

[welshflyingpig]

So today, I finally admitted everything to my parents.

I told them I've been using every 8 days since September. I told them I've totalled up more bills. I've told them I need More help because something obviously isn't working for me.

So step one. Honesty.

Unless you really want to move forward during this, you need to be open and honest and truthful to yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself, you will continue to lie. Ive learnt to lie really well actually through my addiction, lie about how often I've taken it, when was my last time, how much money I owe.

In over 18 months I've spend in excess of £10k on cocaine. I could have bought a brand new car, put a deposit down for a house. How much could I have done. If I sit and dwell on it. It will make me ill.

So here I am. I am bare. I am naked. I am alone in the dark. I am open and I am free from lies. Ready to begin my life again.

[welshflyingpig]

Remembered my first taste of cocaine. The buzz it gave me. The chills the feels the energy the buzz. I was 26 when I first started it. Always had something against it. Sticking a note up my nose. Crackhead. Junkie. State. All the words I associated with someone who took drugs.

I could have fucked all night. I could have chewed your ear off. I could have sketched my night away singing to myself. That's how I remembered it. Being fun. Socially with my friends. With alcohol. Cocaine was my friend to start with. It was that mate you saw on a weekend that was fucking mental and partied all night. That friend you wouldn't see all week.

Only really became a problem for me in late 2019. 'Picking up for the night out tomorrow' job. I'd have a bottle of spirits, 3 bags. 1 night. Knowing I had a 12 hour shift the next day. And a night out to go to. Already £120 down. And I thought that wasn't a problem.

Being an addict, you will do anything to get the money. I stole it. I borrowed money off friends who I hadn't spoken to in months. I borrowed money from family. There's no escape.

[welshflyingpig]

[welshflyingpig]

Need somewhere to share my journey.

I have been a weekly cocaine user for 18 months. Today I woke up.

My lips are chapped. My skin is like a crater from an adolescent teenagers hell. My nose feels like it's full of cement, cut to shit from the paper I used to sniff every last spec from that bag last night. I look like I haven't slept for 3 days (when actually it was 38 hours). My week long binge is at its end.

This is my last relapse. Time to live my life how I want to, not to make people understand it.