whatkindofshowisthis-blog

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

I’m Still here

June 29th, 2018

not sure i deserve to be, but here I am.  I’ll soon be 30 in two weeks; that’s when the real test begins.  Too much has happened since my last post to be able to pick up where i left off.  I post this after leaving a Fat Cat karaoke night for the umpteenth time in a row.  I don’t know why I still go and tonight didn’t help me shed any light on it.  It’s like I’m so lonely that any human contact helps numb that pain, but then the toxicity of it all just eats me up even more inside.  Raquel is the main source of all of it.  I let myself get too attached to her and now I can’t stand that she has a new interest named Bryan.  I don’t know if i ever referenced Bryan in any other posts so let me go back and preface it now.

Back around the time of my last post, I invited Raquel and Meghan to a wine meetup; that’s where Bryan came into the picture.  Bryan developed a huge crush on Raquel and so my hatred of him began.  Bryan is fake, everything he does hinges on his crush on Raquel.  He isn’t part of our group, he consistently has one-on-one conversations with her during group settings while she gets handsy and flirty drunk with him.  I’ve since given up third-wheeling after Meghan leaves so I leave with her.  The problem is, I’m jealous of Bryan.  Bryan is everything i want to be.  He’s good looking, he has a good personality, he can even dance ( something i’ve wanted to learn, but can’t find anyone to go with).  Bryan is my fault and nobody else’s.  Tonight solidified how much I need to leave this group of friends and try to find new ones.

I got too complacent with the friends i thought i had.  I assumed they’d always be there for me and when they weren’t i was left hanging.  Meghan only cares what Raquel does, Raquel doesn’t care about anything I want to do.  I carelessly took my birthday week off thinking maybe one of them wanted to spend some time with me.  How stupid I felt when magically everybody didn’t have time.  My 30th birthday will be a lonely stay-at-home day like all the others.  I did end up with a Busch Gardens annual pass in hopes of bonding with this group a little better, but didn’t seem to work.  Maybe I’ll just ride the coasters until I have a brain hemorrhage or something.

Bottom line is that I need to end my time with this group.  It’s so hard because i’ll just tell myself I’m being irrational and just mute or ignore the messenger group for a little bit.  Oddly enough John is the only one that has stuck by me, he recently broke up with his girlfriend that had fucked me up for a little while. I’m set to hang out with him tomorrow and we can commiserate about our romantic lives or lack thereof.  Did i mention Marilyn has a new guy?  I stumbled upon her profile picture in a tag list on facebook.  I could’ve done without ever knowing that, but whatever, that’s so far behind me now, I don’t care as much as I thought I would.  Every karaoke night with Raquel has sent me home feeling worse about myself than i did going in.  Every night ends with her and Bryan and I don’t know what I’d do with myself if i ever had evidence for myself that they were doing something behind everyone’s back.

 I just want to die; i want to not wake up in the morning.  I can’t take my own life, just something please do it for me.  I’m tired of starting over, I’ve done it too many times now.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

Hello, Tumblr, my old friend

February 24th, 2018

I’ve come to talk with you again.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the need to post here; to the point I couldn’t even connect the dots if I wanted to.  I come here posting after leaving Raquel’s house at 4 AM.  To preface this post, Raquel and I have had sex, twice.  I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen either time, but, I’m a lonely idiot and so I did.  I want so badly to be in a relationship with her and to call her my girlfriend and experience our lives together, but tonight was the final nail in the coffin to show me that will never happen.  Tonight, all I wanted to do after taking her home was watch a movie and spend the night together.  She told me up front that after the movie is over, she wanted me to leave; that hurt me inside.  Then she slipped up and accidentally called me Theo (her crush that strings her along), that hurt even more.  Then she doesn’t even stay awake past the first 5 minutes of the movie, which after that fact, I started asking myself, “why am I here?”  I snuck out undetected, and probably wont be returning to her place any time soon.  I used to feel welcome there, now I don’t.  I could tell she wanted to have sex again, which I’m sure I would have caved in to.  I don’t want to have that stronger attachment to someone who will never love me.  Unfortunately, I already love her, I wanted to tell her, but then the way she talked about other guys who want her and the guy she wants, it didn’t feel worth further damaging our friendship.  The silver lining on all this is that I now have 2 more people I can call friends, Raquel and Meghan.  That should make me feel better, but it really doesn’t.  I still feel extremely lonely without anyone who has any interest in dating me.

So here I am again, spilling my guts to the bottomless pit of Tumblr.  This is the last stop before ending it all, so I’m glad it’s here as an outlet.  I’ll probably be posting more.  Right now I’m focused on work and making as much money as possible to afford a house later in the year.  Hopefully get a dog to keep me company if I decide to stay in this life for the long haul.  Not sure its worth it; I’ll soon be 30 with nothing to show for it.  Maybe my 30th birthday will be the final straw.  Right now, I need to put distance between Raquel and I; we’ve become too close.  If I keep letting myself get hurt like this, it really will be the end.  I don’t want it to be this way, I want love and a sense of belonging in the world.  I’m not sure what makes me so repulsive to women, but until I know, I’m powerless to fix it.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

Let the withdraw begin

Well, my paranoia has finally hit its stride.  I pushed out Racquel and her mutual friend, i’ve unfollowed just about everyone on Facebook to the point I basically use it for memes.  Tonight, I didn’t even want to go to karaoke.  Seeing Racquel makes me hate myself and hearing and watching the guys she talks to and talks about makes me question her motive for even wanting me around.  Am i just tolerated because we have  a mutual friend?  Did you really mean that you were attracted to me or were you just being nice?  Doesn’t matter at this point, I don’t want to see her.  Coupled with the fact the Meghan (our mutual friend whom i wasn’t going to name) and Racquel have become best friends and I start to feel like the third wheel.  Not a single person talked to me for a whole week, if i didn’t feel lonely before, i sure as hell do now.  Now all of a sudden I’m thought of when meetup time rolls around again.  I’m tired of the meetups, i want real friends and not people whom i feel like tolerate my presence because they have to.  Better yet, I need a girlfriend, so that it takes the social pressure off of me and i can relax, have a good time, and be happy for people.  Right now I’m a constant downer because I’m so depressed over this shit.  Every time I go out and start to have a good time, the loneliness starts to creep in, unless i’ve had enough alcohol to block it, but the hangover just amplifies the shitty feelings later. 

I’m pretty sure I’m done with meetup for at least the time being if not for good.  I’ve experienced pretty much the worst kind of people without much good to show for it.  I’ve had liars, assholes, gaslighters, selfish people, awkward people, stuck up people, fake friends, and the list goes on.  Not once have i met one single decent person i can call a friend.  Forget it, I’ll experiment with being alone for a while without trying to make it happen.  I’ll make friends with my loneliness and maybe get a dog to help cope with it.  I’m focused on my money that i know wont make me happy, but with money means i can experience new things and that allows me to carry on.  I haven’t ruled out just moving away and starting a new life after telling everyone I’m dead and letting them read this.  I’m still left with the pain i have while inflicting it on so many other people, so I’d have to live with that if I can’t kill myself.  It’s so funny how i just want what I can’t have; love is the final barrier to break through before I can just relax and live my life to its fullest.  That’s not in the cards for me, I was born alone and i’ll die alone.  I saw a study that said loneliness is as bad as 15 cigarettes a day; good, at least i’ll die sooner if i can’t do it myself.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

It’s just the opposite

They say suicidal people feel that the world would be better off without them.  For me it’s just the opposite, I feel like I’d be better off without the world.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

Vicious circle

I’m the author of my own vicious circle.  I can’t be friends with women i have feelings for, but i’ll never meet someone without having more friends.  I guess I’ll just stack my money and buy my things in my last ditch attempt to fill the void.  It probably wont work and if it does it’ll be temporary.  At least for now, it’s the only thing that takes the focus off of killing myself.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

I don’t want to try anymore

Trying is stressful, so I figure why try at all. For some reason I find someone who makes me want to try again. All it does is create more pain. I’m undateable, there’s always going to be someone else that has their attention. I can’t compete. Racquel, you made me want to try again. By doing so you opened me up to more pain than I was already in. I put up this rock hard shell and don’t let anyone in, yet somehow, somebody finds their way in and proceeds to destroy me from the inside. Is it too much to ask to not be alone? It feels like women want a guy like me, but don’t want me. It makes no sense. I have about 1 week left to find out where Marilyn lives and I’m working two jobs. My original plan is slipping away. It seems if I’m going to do it, it’ll just be alone in my apartment, or maybe out on a desolate beach at midnight.

I know what love is now because of the few women who have made it close to me. I’d give up all my money and expensive things to have someone who loved me back.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

I’m attracted to you, but...

That should be the tagline for my life. I feel like all words before “but” in just about any sentence mean absolutely nothing. It’s a good thing I’m hungover because I feel closer to the gun than I have in a while.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

When you’re surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you’re by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don’t feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you’re really alone.

Fiona Apple (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

Racquel

November 13th, 2017

I’m not going to waste time coming up with some interesting title.  I’ve got to be up at 5:30 am and have to work out some shit that’s been pent up for too long.  For starters, Mandie is officially gone from my life.  This time it was her call, so I don’t get the option to just forgive her bullshit just so i don’t feel lonely.  I was sad for a day, but now I really don’t care, she was completely toxic.  Nate called her a fungus and it perfectly describes her; she grows on people and then slowly sucks the life out of them.  Enough about her, all she did was add to the number of emotional scars that I’ve already lost count of.

This post is about a girl named Racquel, a beautiful hispanic girl that I seemed to hit it off really well with.  We met through a mutual friend when she was invited to a meetup (that’s the only way a loser like me meets new people).  We met 2 weeks ago and had some good conversation.  I left it at that and hoped I’d see her again.  Last Friday, she returned, I bought one of her rounds and we had more good conversation, even after the mutual friend left.  I thought it was going well, she opened up some personal stuff about herself to me and I found out she liked motorcycles and Egypt,  We were finding common ground and we talked for about an hour after our friend left.  She texted me when she got home, which i took as another good sign and we had a short text conversation after that where I invited her out for a bike ride today.  She said she was busy in the afternoon, but a sunset ride would be nice.  I agreed to it, sidled with a healthy portion of skepticism.  All I know is rejection, so to keep from getting hurt, I’ve gotten damn good at testing when someone is truly interested in spending time with me or when they’re just being nice.

First off, I lied and said i was on-call today, but we could go riding if i didn’t get called in.  I didn’t say anything after we finished our text conversation Friday night.  Nothing on Saturday, not a word today, which accomplishes my task of finding out if she’s interested or just being nice.  Some may say that she assumed that i had to work, but the fact that she didn’t even care enough to ask shows she wasn’t interested in the prospect in the first place.  Didn’t pass the test, so guess she was just being nice.  I just want some fucking honesty for once.  Test number 2 makes me cringe that I did this, but further solidifies my belief.  I went out on a night ride by myself anyway, I took pictures and posted them on Facebook to elicit a response.  I got a like from her, but that doesn’t mean anything, she’s a facebook whore anyway.  I don’t follow Racquel on Facebook anymore after tonight as I no longer care what she’s doing.  I won’t go out of my way to talk to her when i inevitably see her in public as that’s another test of mine because if someone wants to talk to me, they will.  Much like a lot of other girls, i let myself get too attached to her and so i get hurt once more.

Racquel, if I’m dead and you’re reading this, let me tell you how our night went in my mind:

I picked you up on the bike, and took you out over the causeway at sunset.  I took you to Bahama Breeze, it’s that island themed restaurant that sits right on the water and you get to watch the sunset over the water if you so choose.  After it got dark and we headed back, i pulled off along the side of the bridge and parked the bike.  We sat on the water’s edge and talked.  I put my arm around you as you relaxed into me and we took in the night sky together.  I would’ve been hopeful for a kiss at any point from there until the time I dropped you off, but even in my mind that was a variable.

I’m done trying to make it happen anymore, i deleted all my dating apps, i’m not going to flirt or have a conversation with any women unless they initiate it.  I realize that’s not going to fix anything, but it takes the stress away from it.  My mother has gone on this crusade to set me up with her co-workers.  I’ve all but told her i’m not interested in them, because they’re just being nice.  I love my mother, but she really is naive when it comes to dating nowadays.  I think she actually believes the shit that happens in movies.  My gun has become a security blanket.  I almost lost it and had a panic attack, even wanted to go out and buy another one, just so I have the option there.  I don’t think I’ll ever do it, but I just like knowing I can if it ever finally gets to be too much.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

people say that i force myself towards toxic things and negative thoughts and i ruin every good thing that ever happens to me on purpose, i don’t trust myself and the world to ever make me or let me be happy and most of the times they are correct but how do i see the positive when everything that is supposedly positive for everyone has always somehow ended up being negative for me how do i see the good in goodbye when all that has ever done to me has left me crying on my bathroom floor, lonely how do i see that two negatives make a positive when two negatives have always been bigger negatives  i don’t have any other way to survive than by just being miserable

justscribbledwords

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

Capitulation and self-sabotage

October 23rd, 2017

I’ve given up, thrown in the towel, raised the white flag, and whatever shitty euphemism for complete capitulation you can think of.  I either want Marilyn back or I want nothing.  That only scratches the surface of what I’m doing now and what this post will be about, a lot has happened and apparently I gained some followers.  Today was a dark day.

For starters, Mandie and I are cool again.  I told her she was actually a good friend to me through our little fights and it brought us closer together, except I still can’t see her as just a friend.  I still would have sex with her or something more if she were willing and sometimes I start to expect that it will happen sometimes when we are out.  I know it wont, but it doesn’t matter, I’m done trying.  I finally met her friend Maggie (yes i can name her because i can contact her) and found out she’s a really big girl, but still quite attractive.  Unfortunately, she came a little to late at a point where my will-to-try tank reached empty.  I think I started to try a tiny bit until my “fuck it” attitude went into full gear.  Maggie doesn’t seem too interested in finding out anything about me, so there goes that.  Maggie has a friend who is more attractive than her, but still a bigger girl.  That one didn’t even seem to want to socialize with anyone.

I’m just going to wallow in my loneliness until it finally eats me alive.  I don’t want the pain and stress of trying to get a girl to date me.  I’m tired of trying to pump conversation starters into women only to get one word replies or no answers.  I’d rather just get rejected, it’s easier.  I have to guess at whether she’s interested or not.  Marilyn wasn’t like that; she actually wanted to get to know me which made me want to know her.  I haven’t met any girl like her in that regard, which makes me feel like they aren’t out there.  So now I’m pushing away hard and turning my shell into steel to make sure I’m not going to be disappointed.  Because, how can you be disappointed, when you never have expectations to begin with?

Today was a shining example.  My mother tried to set me up with a co-worker.  I knew it wasn’t going to happen from the moment I read her message that said “she said you have to facebook her.”  Clearly my mother is too old to realize that means she’s not interested, she’s just being nice.  So I decided I would just torpedo it from the start and get my mother off my back about finding another girlfriend.  I sent her a request and when she accepted i sent her this message:

“Hi, [girl], I’m sure you’re a nice person and by your profile you are quite attractive.  Unfortunately, I’m not interested in trying to get anyone to date me anymore.  My mother doesn’t know this and it would break her heart to hear it.  So, if you could, if she asks, tell her we talked a little bit and decided it wouldn’t really work out.  Sorry to ask this of you, but I would really appreciate it.  Thanks and take care.”

What kind of psycho does this?  Me, in my protest against the world that has fucked me over enough times to get me here.  I half expected it to spark a conversation and maybe we would bond over it.  Clearly not, because she was confused from the get go and I went into damage control.  Finally she agreed to just tell my mom we talked, which is all i wanted in the first place.  I just don’t want to disappoint my mother by telling her that I’ve given up.  If she believes that I’m at least trying a little bit then it’ll be easier for her to take.  Today was a the first in a few days where I thought about where to place the gun barrel before pulling the trigger.  Based on my knowledge of anatomy and physiology, behind the ear would be quick and painless.  Either my new “fuck it” attitude towards women will help me find anther one that wants to get to know me or it will drive me further down the suicide path.  I’m already doing weird shit by sending that message.  It’s my own form of self-harm.  I want to feel pain because I know I wont feel joy again.  I’ve watched enough couples and PDA to the point it doesn’t hurt anymore.  Numb sucks so much more that pain.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

Lack of interest

October 9th, 2017

I get home from work and I can’t even find a game or video that entertains me.  I’m losing my grip on my life.  I get these flashes of optimism and start planning scenarios in my head.  Problem is, they come at the wrong time and by the time I can put anything into action, i’ve completely lost interest.  I ended up having a text conversation with Nate today.  Mainly about Mandie, which is fine, I hate her too, but I was more interested in finding out more about this Megan chick he introduced me to.  I was disheartened to hear that she’s a party girl and not girlfriend material.  Now this is only Nate’s opinion, I can’t form one yet as we have never met in person.  I get these ideas for meetups and fun activities to invite various women out to in the hopes of showing them that I’m a fun person to be around.  I either dont have the courage or the motivation to do it.  Right now, I’m thinking of a scenario where I try to be as confident as i possibly can and put moves on Megan.  Won’t happen, because my brain has already predicted how it will go and if it doesn’t go exactly that way, i’ll be left holding the bag unable to roll with it and adjust course.  That’s what scares me, not being able to live in the present.  I’m tired tonight, but i wanted to get some feelings out so this isn’t the most grammatically correct or coherent post.  I’m up to two cats now, how many does it take to be officially crazy?  I had a flash of me breaking into Marilyn’s apartment just as she walks in the door just in case I had no way of knowing who or what is inside.  If/when that hammer falls and my life fades from view, I hope you realize how much of this is your fault.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

That's entirely fair. Sometimes all we want is to NOT be invalidated by ppl. I had hand written 2300 words on isolation and loneliness and the way it can make us more unhealthy. Almost posted it until a friend told me I had no right since I don't live in the bum-fuck-nowhere town he does (ie, he's insinuating since I, the agoraphobic, has public transit I can't KNOW loneliness), I don't have as-severe health issues as he (that's a whole other argument) I decided it's not worth being invalidated.

That’s ridiculous, sometimes i’ve felt my loneliest among an entire group of people.  Just their presence doesn’t mean they know or care about your life.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

I just found your post 'Another wasted day' as I literally wrote something similiar in my journal, and logged onto Tumblr for the first time in weeks just to see if others were posting in the 'depression' tag. It sounds stupid but knowing I'm not alone is one of the few things I've got left. I won't dump my sob story on you beacuse that's exactly why people have left me but FWIF, you're not alone tonight. -Nixy

Thanks, sometimes all I want is just some acknowledgement without judgement.

[whatkindofshowisthis-blog]

Another wasted day

October 8, 2017

Another day of nothing but these four walls; I didn’t even leave the apartment.  I blew off John with some bullshit excuse, now he wants to get a drink later in the week.  That’s at least something I half want to do, because right now my motivation is nearing absolute zero.  I did nothing but play games, watch videos, and eat apples and peanut butter all day just to numb my loneliness.  it’s an interesting feeling when I’m doing those things because I still think about everything that sucks about my life, but it doesn’t hurt.  Like anything else you do repeatedly, you eventually get bored and the pain comes back.  When you finally exhaust everything you have left in life that makes you happy, life feels like a prison.  

Human interaction is so dynamic and volatile that you can’t help but enjoy it, which is why i find it so necessary for a happy life and why I’m so sad to see my friend circle falling apart.  Nobody thought about me today, to see if I wanted to do anything.  Yeah, I know i could’ve done something with John, but why would I want to?  Like everything in my life, I just get bored of it and want something new.  I know John isn’t going anywhere, I’m trying to make some new friends for a change.  It seems each time I try it all goes to shit, I’m losing my will to live.  If this is what the withdraw stage feels like then I guess I’m in for a rough ride.  I can’t get the picture out of my head of my gun pressed against my skull just behind my ear.  Hell, sometimes the thought is so intense, I can feel it.

I typed a short note to most of the people on my list and plan to finish that before bed tonight.  I’m not in a hurry, but I can tweak it little by little as I think about it and reread it.  I was surprised to see how many people on that list i told it wasn’t their fault.  I even reassured those who probably don’t even know who I am; most of them have contributed in some small part.  Clearly if you’ve read this far, you know whose fault it is.  Sorry, Marilyn, you picked the wrong person to get your rebound on, i’m just too fragile for it.  After that’s done I think I’ll start writing those 10 page letters to the important people.  I’ve toyed with the act of recording my voice too, that just seems so elaborate though.  Maybe just for my parents, I don’t know.

That’s just the problem, I don’t know anymore.  I even started thinking about praying to God everyday, which just seems like such a weird thing for anyone to do including myself.  I’m just so hopeless at this point, if it might even work a little bit, I’m willing to try it for no other reason than to say I did all I could.