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[whatsupwither]

#9 It.Got.Worse. :D

It's been a while but trust me when I say things didn't get better. After the whole Ian thing I actually didn't really stop talking with him. I just decided to stop starting our messages. ofc that didn't stop him. He decided to get things steamier again but this time I decided to just tell him how I feel about it. He was okay with it and I was hoping this would make him stop talking to me, well he still does for a while. I thought I should just let it be as it is. I had a meet up with an old childhood friend and decided to tell him about Ian. These were his exact words to me: "You Dumb Fucking Bitch... I'm sorry... But did you really lose your head because you're attracted to him?" I never wanted to scream before. Turns out you can actually screen record ig pictures and videos wihtout the other person finding out. He probably did and did everything I said he would. FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKK!!!!

That's when I decided to just kick him out of my life basically. I'm done with him. It doesn't help that my cat, has been with me for 11 years, is dying. I honestly would love to just call Ian and talk and vent but he can go fuck himself. I've been crying everyday now and it got to the point where people are telling me that I look very tired at practice.

Jeremy is back btw. turns out he is not away for good (which I kinda hope he will). We rolled here and then but yesterday, i was again just the two of us in the elevator and we have our usual banter and right before we go on our ways, he sort of egged on me for not being nice on the elevator, so I decided to say something nice and thought fuck it might as well tell him a bit of how I feel so I told him that I actually sometimes wanna kiss him. and I left immediately after HAHA. I regret saying it. I should've said somethign extra mean and tell him thats the nicest he's gonna get.

Well turns out its mutual because he dmed that night and told me he felt the same way. we continued talking for a bit and I told him about when he invited me over and how I wanted to kiss him then and we both sort of decided during our chat it was for the best we both dont try anything.

I'll be avoiding him for awhile now. and when we do meet, I'm definitely gonna pretend like nothing happen and just give him as much as a cold shoulder as I possibly can. It's not because I don't like him, its to keep things less awkward and more friendly ig. He had the audacity to mention how he'll break my heart and everything... cute. very cute. I'm attracted to him, sure, but I don't like him that way. I can't even imagine myself with him nor do I have the desire to have a future with him. I'm not afraid to say that yes, I wanna do more than kiss him, and I am not at all concerned about liking him but I am about being awkward right after or ruining what we already have. I don't think Im a casual relationship type of person either, I wouldn't feel comfortable moving forward like that so probably best to keep things the way it is. I do feel better now with where we are because we've talked and pretty much agreed its whats best.

Wish me luck.

[whatsupwither]

#8 I don’t like this

Today has got to be the worst day this year. I spoke with Ian last night and things got steamy with him and yes it turned that way. the only difference is that I sent him pictures that are actually nude. before I would cover my body so it really just does not show anything, but this time? I made the mistake of sending him those. I feel exposed and vulnerable. mainly I feel digusted with myself. not long after I threw up whatever little breakfast I had. quite frankly I feel like shit. before I sent a full nude I was covered, or at least the bits were. He started asking for more and for some fucking reason I complied. I fucking complied.

I couldn’t stay in my room after I just need to get my head out of things. I went to training literally right after and I can’t help but just feel horrible the entire time. it does help though to be surrounded by people I thought I might be put off today since the drills are pretty compact but I was fine, I even asked for a roll after from one of the guys and tried out some sweeps. 

I did come to the conclussion that I don’t think I want to continue talking with Ian. I feel horrible sending him those and quite honestly I don’t think he likes them. I can’t help but feel he hates those pictures and probably laughed at it. I’m pretty sure he made fun of the way I looked, probably have the picture taken on another device and make a total joke of it with his friends. I know how this works, it happened during highschool. A girl sent a guy from my hs a nude picture (the only difference is that she is actually stunning). He wanted to send the picture to his friends but ended up accidentally sending it to the class (with homeroom teacher) group. some students (and teacher) have that setting where media that is sent is automatically saved into the device. those nudes were saved on my friends phone even after he unsent them. 

what if Ian does the same thing with mine? sure my face doesn’t show but what if someone recognized me? how many other girls from my country (BJJ community in my country is VERY small esp. for women) looks anything remotely like me. the background is a dead giveaway its me. I swear if those pictures are leaked I would probably kms. I can’t deal with this rn I’ve cried a few times already. I can’t believe I’m so stupid and sent those pictures to him. I’ve promised myself this is not happening again. I hope whoever’s reading is gonna learn that it doesn’t matter who he is, don’t send nudes. what’s the point if you’re going to feel horrible after. I’m just happy Ian and I aren’t really tied so I can just stop talking and go MIA, if he doesn’t already do that ofc. He probably already has me blocked. unsurprising if you ask me. 

I still feel sick. I just want to cry and sleep this off. Just when I think things are going well here we are :”(.

[whatsupwither]

#7 Ian

I’d like to introduce Ian to this mess now. Ian and I met from instagram. I’ve been following Ian for a while because he makes videos about training and we trained in the same gym (different branch) plus he is super cute, so followed him. He’s my age so this is new ground to me. Ian lives in a different country. An old friend of mine who I used to train with moved there and appearantly started training with Ian. They followed each other and my account got recommended to him. He got curious and check my account out, saw that the friend is following me and decided to ask him who I was (I’m guessing to check who I was to my friend since I think he was intrested from my profile picture). Found out we’re just friends and decided to follow me back. We didn’t interact for a few months. he would like some of my stories here and there but nothing much beyond. I decided to like a story he post about an mma meme. He suddenly DMed me right after and sent me some more memes. We got talking from there and got in a call and a vid call right after haha. We clicked... a lot. and he is very straight forward. He actually told me that if I ever come by his country he would like to go on a date with me. This is actually very cute, our moments through chat is very cute. But then he got a bit... intense. He started saying stuff like “I really want you” and we um. we sexted. before then we discussed a bit about our past relationships. I’ve never dated, I’ve never done anything with a man before. The only man that has seen me naked as a woman is my doctor... through an MRI machine. I told Ian all about it. Ian never really dated, he slept with quite a lot of women I guess but never really dated anyone. We sexted, he sent some pictures and videos, I sent only pictures, disappearing ones. ngl those pictures really worked me out, but, I didn’t get off. Told him I did ofc. Now he knows he’s the only guy that has seen me and made me “cum”. 

He was very nice throughout the entire experience, he made sure I was fine and okay with it. I didn’t get off, but I definitely enjoyed it. Really did and I kinda hope to... do it again with him. After it he checked up on me and everything... can’t help but to imagine if we were to actually have sex, he’d probably be very nice and amazing. 

Recently he’s been sending me signals I guess that are like “I want to have sex with you” type of thing. You have no idea how much I want it too :”). But he keeps flustering me whenever he does that, and I am honestly terrified. what if I liked him a bit too much and things don’t work out. What if we do meet each other and he doesn’t like me? What if he sees me and decided I’m not pretty enough?

shit. I like him already as it is. a bit too much. I’m planning to tell him the next time he flusters me. Not a confession but more towards “You’re flustering tf outta me rn. I might start liking you a bit too much” I already do but this is light and I can play it off as a joke... ig?

FUUUCKKKKK

[whatsupwither]

#6 Getting Over Jeremy

Hey so the last time I’ve written here was during Valentines and quite honestly nothing much happened.... for a while...

Basically something happened with Jeremy. Well something horrible I guess (?). before I get there, I decided to rejoin the horrible world of dating apps again (I regret it as soon as I was on it). I met a man on there, went on one date with him. Ngl he was HOT. like HOT AF. I wanted to fuck him on the spot if I could but his personality is as good as a burnt potato. Eugh. Guess who I met not long after on there? Jeremy. He was still on it, appearantly but I didn’t quite feel anything when I came across his profile. I swiped left. I can’t imagine the shame if he swiped left on me when I swiped right :/. But I decided to reckindle our relationship a bit. I started going to night class for a while and decided to ask some things to him which ended in us rolling after training. I enjoyed it. As we were rolling this one time he mentioned something that actually made me have a bit of a cold sweat. he said “why do you cover your face when you laugh? don’t cover it next time...” and then he said something i didn’t quite catch. I was too flustered to say anything so I decided to just attack his back and we went back at it. We’ve been stuck in the elevator for a while too on the way back. always just the two of us. Next few days I did the same thing and rolled again with him. Every time we roll we always do it overtime, we never stop unless we really have to and he made sure to keep me on the mat even when I try to flee HAHA. 

The last time I rolled with him, we were a bit rough ig, tore my meniscus. I think that was my last time training with him. He went back to his country and I think for good now. He hasn’t been back in a month or so. I thought he was coming back soon and I thought I’d tell him how I’ve felt about him the next time we were stuck on the elevator. I’ve been wanting to kiss him... and I hate myself everytime. I think if I say it to him i’ll get over it soon. But since he won’t be back I’ve decided to pour my focus on a new guy I met. His name is Ian.

[whatsupwither]

#5

Valentines was shit haha. It was last week and I didn’t spend it doing anything notable. I practiced once during the evening and went home. I did signed up for a blind date thing. I met I think about 5-6 men and non of them really sparked anything. there’s some sort of an adrenaline to talking to someone blindly and just try to figure out where we connect exactly. I did not regret it but at the same time would prefer doing something more meaningful. I have not talked or connected with anyone from there and would not be signing up for it again. I met a guy there who literally had done it 7-8 times. I don’t know exactly what he’s hoping to find on there since I thought it was pointless. I did it for the fun of the moment.

what’s worse is that during valentines after training, Randy who’s a guy from training who also happens to train live in another building in the same apartment decided to give me a ride back. I didn’t think twice about it but then he insisted we have coffee and we talked. I made sure that our conversation was very ‘bro’ ish. After that he literally sent me a picture of his chest, trying to show me a bruise from training. ITS WEIRD. WHY WOULD YOU SEND ME THAT EW. 

I ghosted him. I didn’t know what else to do but that. I don’t regret it, I’ll just come up with some kind of reason like an error or something that’s causing me not to recieve his texts or that it simply sinked since I had a lot going on. Oliver and I finally met, of course through the help of Mark, but we met and talked. HE TOUCHED MY ARM AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT. I didn’t really like it but I’m not completely opposed to it either. Before we met I was hanging out with my friend Adam. We were talking literally about everything but mostl sex. He has a very sexually active lifestyle. So I decided to use the opportunity to ask as much as I can about Men and their bodies (yuck). Adam was very cool about it thankfully. At some point we even flirted a bit which was kind of refreshing having to have a conversation where you can just turn it off and on yknow. I spilled my feelings about oliver to Adam and he found it kind of cute haha. 

Anyways I hanged out with Oliver and Mark and after that Mark saw me home, we took a car and train together which was very nice of him. Mark is like an older brother figure to me so I decided to just tell him how I feel about Oliver. He didn’t have much of a reaction thankfully but he did mention a very important detail. Oliver is looking. desperately so. Mark is trying to set him up wiht some of his corporate friendst but so far it hasnt been successfull. One thing he highlighted was the fact that he’s looking for somoene in the same religion. Oliver and I don’t have the same religion. It oddly hurts a bit, just for a while and just for a bit. its nice to know Im not the only one struggling though. We continued to chat after that thankfully, Oliver and I. 

After hanging out with Adam I figured out a lot about my sexuality. It appears I might not enjoy being touched or being openly intimate (emotionally and physically) but what I do like is to take charge. I’m more comfortable doing the touching and taking control when it comes to physical intimacy and I prefer to really sit on my troubles or well secrets to when its not relevant before pointing it out. I found out that Adam and I are sexually very compatible. He (in a way) is the complete opposite of me, he likes giving his partner control, he prefers it even. basically if I were to give him a call and tell him that I wanna do it he’d come here this very instance haha. I will not be doing that though. Adam and I are friends and we’re keeping it that way. He maybe sort of cute but thats where the attraction ends.

I am however are off the pills. I think its making me uh... loose down there somehow. I’ve been queefing throughout certain poses during training anf its embarassing as hell. I’m getting off them and see how it goes. Which is also why I’m sexually more frustrated than ever before. God help me.

[whatsupwither]

Dumpster Fire

Things could not have gone worst this new year. I put off writing anything in hopes that at the very least the end of the first month this year would end decently. Ofc it did not. 

2023 started pretty well ig. Oliver popped back into my life. for a short while, but it did got me quite excited. He sent a text saying “Happy new years” and I replied and it became our longest chain text convo ever. It ended with him asking “dinner?” pretty sure he was joking but I got a bit flustered. there was hope that he was not joking and whatever comes next is him asking me where and when this dinner should take place. Did not happen. We just stopped talking and before you know it, today I was kicked out of my old bjj group. It hurts to get that notification, especially after my coach told me he would not kick me out, but he did. 

It was the only way for me to know if Oliver was practicing and if I could, I could join him. Now, I’d had to ask someone if he is coming in. ofc I would not be asking anyone about him. However Mark, a mutual of mine who is close to Oliver would always ask me to hangout or go on a run or practice and he would always mention that Oliver would be there. I hope Mark would invite me to train together with Oliver sometime soon. I do miss him and I do want to be able to train with him again.

I also rolled with Jeremy again this year. He kept tapping me like every minute. He also kicked me in the head but I don’t think he realized it. a lump is forming where he kicked I just hope it’ll go away soon. One thing I did today that surprisingly I did not regret telling is talking about how I met Jeremy to a girl there. Her name is Lila and I really like her. She helps me improve a lot during practice and her enthusiasm is great during practice. She gave me a ride back and I decided to tell her about how I got to know Jeremy. She told me that she got a good read on people’s feelings or something and that she saw something when Jeremy looks at me, or I guess she caught somehting from the way Jeremy looks at me. I honestly call bullshit. 

I have a very simple rule when it comes to prusuers. If you are intrested and you like me, tell me. Otherwise I can’t read the cues. I’m not stupid enough to believe that Jeremy has feelings for me, we haven’t talked in months probably at this point (???) and we don’t see each other much either. He’s probably already got someone else. Good for him though, I hope it works out.

Which then leads me to the next worst thing. VALENTINES. It’s coming up pretty quick and I really don’t want to go through it. Every store is already up with it’s valentines sales and decoration. I want to spend this Valentines with someone. I really want to just watch something and cuddle up yknow. I’d probably spend it alone in my apartment and I think I might just buy a whole cake and eat it with a fork. As sad as it gets is actually coming to class which is a very likely thing I’d do :(. The worst part of coming into night class is that if Jeremy doesn’t show up then its clear he’s ‘busy’. Which will confirm that he does have someone. A small part of me sort of hopes he’ll show up in class even though he still could be meeting someone right after.

I thought about going into a club or a house party but everything about getting intoxicated in a room full of other intoxicated people at night during valentines sounds stupid and dangerous. I just wanted to do something this valentines with someone and just for once pretend I’m not this person who is afraid of intimacy. I want to be intimate just this one night. Whether its intimate emotionally or physically, I just want to share that moment with someone else. preferably someone I can trust and have known but odds are really small for that unfortunately. 

The other bad idea I have is going back on the internet dating scene which is hard pass. I don’t think I can put myself through the whole phases again. not to mention everyone is just looking to fuck on there. These are the times in which I wish I can just be a lesbian.

But... why don’t I just go out with a girl this valentines though? OMG. I can just go out with a girl... HAHAHA wow writing really helps you figure things out. I might just be going on a date with a girl this valentines. Honestly? quite excited. 

[whatsupwither]

Entry 4, Forward (hopefully)

Yesterday was Oliver’s birthday. I was planning on sending him a private message saying happy birthday but decided against it. I saw his instagram and I think he might have a girl friend already. He reposted her story saying happy birthday, it was a picture of Oliver with a birthday cake in front of him. He was smiling so softly towards the camera (towards her probably). I’ve never seen him smile like that, it looks so genuine and soft. 

One thing is for sure, I seem to have moved on from him. I didn’t feel jealous of this girl, if anything I was happy Oliver found someone. Though I am not the jealous type. My friend once told me that friends also get quite possessive over one another. She told me that a couple of times whenever I would post myself hanging out with other people, she would feel jealous and would actually stalk these people. I’ve never felt like I ‘owned’ someone, sure I get protective over my friends but I never felt that they were exclusively mine. I do get very possessive over my space, things and pets. So using those parameters, I kinda get it (?). I’ve never been jealous either whenever Oliver would roll with other women or even if he talks about his exes or how other girls know more about him than I ever will. It was never something I was bothered with. If anything I saw an opportunity to know more about him through them.

Do guys like it when women get jealous? do they think its as hot as how some women see a man being possessive and possibly unhinged for her to be nothing short of the most sexiest thing in this world?

I started to realize throughout the days I’ve known Jeremy, I’ve been doing a lot of “do guys think...” or “what does it mean when a guy...” searches on google. Let me do all the girls out there a favor. You most probably won’t like the answer because as much as every girl is different, so are guys. Since these searches doesn’t really help me out, I decided to talk to my guy friends.

They told me some very interesting things about how guys think. I truthfully call BS at most of it though, though that’s probably what they think, it’s not necessarily how Jeremy thinks. Alas what they all say in common is that it clearly won’t work out. I might not be able to be his friend either considering how we both started. They told me the best thing to do is to just treat him as normally throughout BJJ class. I don’t have to keep it up outside of class.

I thought it would be harder for me to do considering I was quite fixated about Jeremy, but after hearing them say it, I’m okay about it. I’m glad nothing transpired between us as it would have made everything harder. I just hope I get to meet someone like him at the right time and circumstances. 

What I am truly afraid of is going back to my old fixation. I talked about Oliver with some of my guy friends today and I felt some of those old feelings rising up. He asked me a question that almost messed me up. “How do you feel if you see him again?”...

I haven’t seen him in a month. Haven’t talked to him in longer. He was at a match today, thought he is not competing, all I thought about was how I wasn’t there to watch with him. His ‘girlfriend’ wasn’t or atleast as far as I can tell from the stories is not there with him. He might not be taken and as much as the sister position throws me off, I don’t see why I shouldn’t at least try... oh god.

[whatsupwither]

Entry 3, Jeremy

At that point I couldn’t think of anyone but Oliver. Before I go to sleep? Oliver. Dreaming? Oliver. When I wake up? Oliver. During classes? Oliver. It got to a point of when I talked to my friends, Oliver was the only person I would talk about. I decided this is not okay, it is not healthy for me. So of course like any other sane person I decided to the one thing I really am against of. Dating apps. It’s not personal, its just that I don’t want meeting someone from highschool or worse, someone from my faculty. yikes. 

I decided to be upfront on my profile and wrote that I do martial arts and that I would prefer someone who I can share that journey with. Then comes in Jeremy. Jeremy trains in a different BJJ academy. funny thing is where I trained is actually quite far. It’s a 40 minute -1 hour drive away. Jeremy lives closeby to my BJJ academy and I live closeby to his. I’d like to think that we clicked. Conversations were not hard with him and I enjoyed talking with him. Before I knew it it’s been a week that we’ve been talking non-stop and I’m starting to move on from Oliver. I didn’t think much about him throughout the day and started looking forward for texts or funny reels from Jeremy instead. 

Then Jeremy started trying to get me to move into his academy. I have been thinking about it way before I met Jeremy. It does make more sense considering It is closer and it would be much easier for me to arrange the schedule. Jeremy made it easier for me to move because then I wouldn’t really be alone and I have someone I can kind of talk and train with in the new place. 

So I moved. It would make it easier for me to move on from Oliver, it would be easier on my health too considering I’ve started to realized that I’ve been more tired than usual since I haven’t been getting enough sleep and going home very late after my  BJJ class. Things were great when I first move. Jeremy and I have never been closer. I enjoy training with him and learning as much as I can from him. Before I know it, I’m starting to see some of my cruch symptoms from Oliver showing up for Jeremy. I started avoiding eye contact and basically giving Jeremy the cold shoulder throughout class but would still smile and talk if he approaches me. The only difference is I didn’t feel as aware of him during our rolls as I did with Oliver. 

Jeremy asked me over to his place once. Told me he just wanted to hangout and since I didn’t have anything better to do for the night, I decided to go. We just talked and chilled and surprisingly we were able to keep the conversation going until 2 AM. We talked about a lot of things, but what I find to be a mistake was that I told him about me being inexperienced and that I mentioned Oliver and my feelings for him. At that point I guess I was still trying to move on from Oliver because whenever I see his text pop out on the group chat I would immediately look over it. I’m not going to lie though, throughout the night, I wanted to scooch over to him and just be close with Jeremy. Even though I’ve known him for probably 2 weeks at that point, I felt very comfortable with him. I think I wanted to kiss him too. I wanted to just slide over to his side of the couch and just kiss him. But I don’t think he would appreciate that.

The night (or morning, since it was 2 AM) ended with us just talking. He sent me a very sweet text saying “Text me when you get back” when I did, he responded immediately “Good, I can sleep in peace now”. I thought it was sweet because he told me he doesn’t do that kind of stuff. I might be stupid or hoping too much but can’t a girl dream?

I don’t know why but after that point, things sort of fell apart. we don’t talk anymore for some reason. He stopped sending me texts or reels. I take it that means he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore and I don’t want to bother him too much. He probably met someone else on the dating app. I’m actually not hurt by it, if he is seeing another girl. I just thought why can’t we still be friends?

We didn’t see or talk to each other for 1 week. Until yesterday. I saw him during practice and I don’t know what to do or say. I keep having this feeling in my head that he really doesn’t want to do anything with him. So I decided not to even look at him, hoping that would make things less awkward. Nope. I think I made it worse somehow. throughout the class I was just trying to avoid him as much as I possibly can. At the end of class we were allowed to roll with anyone. the girls were all doing their thing and I didn’t want to bother them too much and there were Jeremy and another guy on the matt available. Jeremy seemed to be busy himself, he was doing all these stretches and I’m scared he would not want to roll with him so I decided to just towards the other guy and just roll with him instead. After training I felt like he was the one avoiding me now. It felt like the tension got worse. 

I couldn’t sleep at all the entire night thinking about what I could’ve said or down to make the situation better. I decided to text him this morning after our 1 week hiatus. I was honestly surprised he replied back. I hope we could at the very least be friends.

I might just stop trying with my love life at this point. If it means losing friends, I would rather not. How do poeple do this exactly, how do yall just date someone? is there some kind of formula I’m missing?

[whatsupwither]

Entry 2, Oliver

Let me introduce you all to Oliver. Before we get to him, let me give you guys some background. I have a very active lifestyle. I exercise most days of the week and my current obsession is with martial arts, especially BJJ.

I met Oliver through BJJ. I have always admired him because although we both are in the same rank, he was also an MMA fighter which made him stronger and he has this thing about him that to me really comands the room. I can’t help but to be very aware of him throughout the class. This was the point when I realize I was having feelings for Oliver. I started going to practice simply hoping just to see him. Whenever we would roll (sparring), I would be very aware of where he was touching me, where his hands are on my body which is something I have never thought about with any of my training partners. When I roll my main focus is on getting my techniques in, I have never really paid any attention as to whether or not somoene is grabbing me on certain areas of my body. With Oliver, I do pay attention. He grabbed my hips once and it took me EVERYTHING not to swoon. 

I don’t swoon. I’m not the type of girl that swoons. 

I was terrified someone in our BJJ class was going to find out about my feelings for Oliver. Oliver is single, but he is a decade older than me. I didn’t mind to be quite honest, as long as it’s him I really didn’t mind. Out of fear, I decided to not even make eye contact with him because when I do make eye contact with him, I can’t stop smiling. When I make eye contact with him, I can’t take my eyes off him. So to play it safe, I decided to give him as much cold shoulder as possible. I didn’t think I had a chance with him to begin with. I was much younger than him and not to mention he probably wants someone experienced. Considering I have never dated, never been intimate nor have I ever had an official crush, not sure any of those would count for being experienced.

I have realized that Oliver has been looking at me a lot throughout our class. He would also be very physical with me as in whenever we are doing warm ups he would approach me and give me a little push. He would sometimes come up to me and grab my leg, trying to make me fall or he would shadow box towards me. Something he did that would give me literal butterflies is whenever I’m about to do drills or roll with him and I’m at the bottom position, he would grab my legs and pull my body towards him. I enjoyed these little things he does, I think I might’ve loved the attention he was giving me. 

I made a joke once with some of my BJJ friends in which I said “If you guys ever know anyone interested please do introduce them to me” as I said that Oliver walked into the room and immediately one of my friends pointed to him and say “Oliver is single, why don’t you guys date then?” I have never been more petrified my entire life. I was afraid she figured it out, I was so terrified I couldn’t even response. Oliver in the other hand was very easy going. He walked towards me and said “Sure, lets date”. I wanted to dissappear that night. 

After that particular disaster, my friends would tease me about him. They would ask me if he is coming to practice or not. Whenever we’re done with class they would ask me if he’s taking me home. Oliver had driven me home before a couple of times. I’m happy we were able to talk during those times and I get to know more about him. Though I realized now he never really asked me any questions about myself. He would say something sweet like “text me when you get back okay” or he would text me that too sometimes, asking me if I’ve made it home alright, but it might just be a custom thing that people say where I’m from. 

I was afraid that the more people tease us, Oliver was going to be uncomfortable with training with me. I decided to talk to one of my friends and asked her to stop with the teasing because I was afraid Oliver was getting uncomfortable and I won’t be able to train and learn from him. She said something that quite honestly, tears me. She said “Oh please, Oliver is one of the most chill guys in the world. He’s not bothered by this. If anything, you’re like a sister to him! don’t ever worry too much”. I’m a sister to him. That actually hurts. I wouldn’t say it was a heartbreak considering I didn’t love him. However I don’t get it either, I know my chances of having him even considering me is slight to none, but it hurts to hear that he sees me as a sister. 

I overthink a lot and that statement made me go into overdrive. I decided to skip practice a couple of times in hopes I can move on. Didn’t happen.

[whatsupwither]

Entry 1 Attempt 1

Hello everyone! this is going to be my very first entry here. Though let me start with an introduction. My name is Carly and currently I am a 20 y/o student who has no experience whatsoever with anyone. I have never really had any crushes on anyone and of course have never been in love. I also have never been intimate with anyone (emotionally and physically). I have always shyed away from this particular topic and would always shut it down as soon as someone brings up me trying dating. however ever since starting college and out of nowhere being surrounded by so many ‘love birds’ to a point where I am currently the only single person in numerous friend groups, it got me very curious with the whole dating scene. So in light of curiosity, I want to try and pop as many dating cherries as possible from this point forward.