whispered--w0rds

[whispered--w0rds]

I get drunk

I get sad

I get angry

I can’t stop thinking

All I want to do is

Clean your sins

Erase them from my mind

Was I better knowing?

Am I better to forget?

She looks like me

[whispered--w0rds]

Oh my god I am so sorry.

I am so so sorry. I cannot yell this louder from my chest my soul aches or maybe it’s my heart

I’m sorry I don’t mean to get side tracked I just wanted to say I am sorry.

I am sorry for sitting down in this quicksand of routine and dragging you into this pit with me I am sorry that we never go out and do or see or be or act or feel for gods sake. I’m sorry.

You are so tired. You are so so tired I can see it in your walk your talk the telltale signs of circles under your eyes and in every inch of your body I see your tired. Your tired clings to you like a cloak. Heavy and dark and sometimes,

Sometimes when I try to take it off, when I try to pull it off of you and hang it up it’s as if I choke you.

I am so sorry. I am so so sorry for being this rug. I’m sorry for clinging onto you like your tired does.

I’m sorry my tired makes your tired.

[whispered--w0rds]

I am hateful

I hate how others are happy

I hate how others are successful

How dare they

While I am here

In this spiral of not good enough.

Using their best self to measure my worst.

Not just am I pretty enough, am I skinny enough

But am I happy enough

Have I made any progress

Have I done anything? Really? Anything?

I am hateful

I hate how others are happy

Because I hate myself.

[whispered--w0rds]

I think I’m having an identity crisis.

White wall

Blank sheet

Headlights

On a dark night.

[whispered--w0rds]

I am sad I am sad I am sad I am sad

[whispered--w0rds]

Upon taking

Wednesday: does not mix well with alcohol. Nausea, spinning, drowsiness. Rapid heartbeat, heavy breathing. Sleep is a blackout.

Thursday: the day is vibrant, problems are glossed over and happiness is easy to find. Work is smooth, motivation is high. The night is still optimistic, though nausea and heavy breathing precede drowsiness. Sleep feels like fainting.

Friday: a productive day. I feel comfortable. Motivation is good. Irritation does not come easily. The night brings slight nausea and heavy breathing. I feel panicked until I fall asleep. I am restless in the night.

Saturday: the day started late and ended early, overall a good day. Good mood, good motivation to practice, though work prevents it from happening. Moderate stress to practice. Nausea is not present but rapid heartbeat and ever growing restlessness ensue

Sunday: an early day. It is easy to act cheerful at work. Motivation has become more persistent and anxiety has arisen from lack of practice. Stress about career, and how others (specifically significant others) view me. Heartbeat fairly normal, restlessness is in the night.

Monday: work goes smoothly. Motivation has turned into full blown anxiety. Stress is centered around career/school, overall success and personal goals and attributes that could be problematic, body image is a concern. Spending money to feel better. I'm restless at night.

[whispered--w0rds]

the current situation

Sometimes I worry that I’m not disabled by my depression and anxiety, that in reality I am not talented and I’m using my self diagnosed mental illness as an excuse for my failure. I tell myself, “soon. When they tell you what you’ve been waiting to hear, that you’re terribly sick, it will get better.” Trying to sell myself on the idea that “acknowledgement is the first step to healing.” I’ve waited so long for this, I’ve battled so hard to even work up the courage to make a phone call. It’s been a year and a half and I have moved, painstakingly slow, day by day telling myself that “tomorrow I’ll look up a doctor” “I’ll make an appointment next week” until I have a good couple days, weeks, months. And all of the sudden I feel cured. I don’t feel the weight that I could have swore was resting in my shoulders, my back, my chest. The churning in my stomach became just a side effect of when I’m “nervous”. The sadness that seems to shroud me, a barrier over my skin like sunblock that numbs my senses from the world around me seemed to become second nature, easily ignored and replaced by anything that can occupy my mind for long enough. Work, homework, social media, practice. I poured all my energy into ignoring the holes in the ship, the water rising higher and higher as I cling to the crows nest telling myself that it’s not important right now. But now, it’s all here. The weight has left knots, tension, a constant aching in my physical muscles that never leaves. I lack energy and can’t bring myself to eat. The thought of leaving my bed for work, or even standing up to make a meager meal, nauseates me. I have almost puked at work 4 times. I have laid in bed and slept for hours. My days have become sleeping until noon, dragging myself to the kitchen to eat, falling back asleep until 5pm and lay in my bed until 12 or 1, medicating myself so that I am hungry and drowsy and then sleeping and repeating the process. I worry that I do this to myself. That I make myself more miserable in an attempt to make someone notice, to feel like someone cares. But I also hide this, every bit I can. I know this is what destroys friendships, relationships, everything I have with people around me. I’m so scared to be alone. I’m so scared those I have attached myself to, those I have come to love will let my illness push them away after they become tired of fighting alongside what seems to be the helpless case of a victim.

[whispered--w0rds]

the morning

I’ve been laying in my bed for four hours. For four hours, I’ve laid in my bed I’m wide-awake. My leg hangs off the edge, bouncing, dividing each second into fourths. One-ee-and-uh, two-ee-and-uh, three-ee-and-uh, four-ee-and-uh There’s a pit in my stomach it feels like a black hole it knaws at my sides it feels like a beast I wish I knew what I wanted. I keep my eyes closed or I stare at the wall. I wrap myself in my comforter. Ironically, I find no comfort. Every 15 minutes I toss and turn. Every 900 seconds. Every 3600 bounces.

This morning was a battle.

[whispered--w0rds]

Happy Birthday

I hope these two years have been good to you. I hope you aren't restless at night, afraid of dreaming about me. I hope you don't look for me in a crowd, worrying I might be there. I hope you don't search for parts of me in other girls. I hope you have forgotten about me. Because I have not forgotten about you. I cannot sleep, I cannot live, I cannot love without being scared of you.

[whispered--w0rds]

Irrational

But isn't that the heart?

Emotions? Love? Hate?

So why must we,

As emotional and irrational people

Be expected to be rational

When we are not.

[whispered--w0rds]

A Thought

As the moon chases the sun, As the wind dances with the leaves. As the kindle lights the fire, As the river runs only to the sea.

I want to be your moon and your wind. Your kindle and a river that runs only to you.  That I may keep you vibrant and content. That I may keep you warm and fulfilled.

[whispered--w0rds]

This shouldn't still hurt

I shouldn’t still shudder at the thought of you I should be able to talk about how you hurt me Invaded me Battered and bruised me How you told me it was all okay That you loved me more than I would ever know

I shouldn’t still cry at night at the thought of your face I shouldn’t hold my head and my breath at night Hoping that I don’t dream of you, think of you I shouldn’t be scared of you

I am scared of you. I’m scared of myself because of how you changed me. I will never be the same. I am repulsed by you But I’m more disgusted with myself. You make me want to sit, Curled up in shower And let the hot water pour down my back Burning layer after layer Until I feel pure again.

[whispered--w0rds]

Less than agreeable

"You're my bitch, aren't you?"

"Who's your master?"

"Dirty slut, just for me"

"Who are you a whore for?"

"You belong to me, and no one else, right?"

"Say it, tell me you're my bitch."

--

These words will never stop haunting

These fears will never stop living

It's festering and burning I can't get them off

They feel alive under my skin

I'm not what you told me I am

I'm not what you told me I am

It hurts

This hurts so bad

[whispered--w0rds]

Shivers

You give me shivers down my spine I can’t stop, I know I should I can’t get enough of you This is the closest I can get to you The closest I’ve felt to you

Seperated I feel cold Sore, longing for more Pull me back to you Reintroduced Soft sounds Hard breaths Damn, I’ve fallen for you.